De Authoress' note: Ok, so I was looking for just a small little parody of Harry Potter to entertain me for a short time and I couldn't find anything to my liking so I decided to write my own. And I tried to think of what I would be most likely to make fun of and the chamber of secrets came to mind because it is my least favorite in the series. So I thought of what was in the 2nd book and I was reminded of Tom Riddle's diary and a thought crossed me...wouldn't it be interesting if Voldemort wrote like a school girl in his diary? Though, from that thought I concluded it would only be right that I start said diary from the happenings of book one. And Wuh-lah! The Voldy Diaries were born. Granted I took some HUGE liberties with Voldemort's character...and it may not be completely accurate seeing as I haven't read the first few books in quite some time...but this was mainly to amuse myself. It is fanfiction, right? If you like it, you like it. If you don't, you don't. (But if you do...read and review! Please and thanks!!)
Disclaimer note: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT. He and all his magical and non magical companions belong to the very talented J.K. Rowling...
The Voldy Diaries: Year One
Dear Horcrux Diary,
You'll never guess where I am! Hogwarts!!!! Yeah, I know, tooooootally unexpected. Whoever wrote that song with the lyrics "high school never ends" seriously wasn'tkidding. Drats, who was that? Oh well doesn't matter, it's just going to be in my head all day now. Whateves. Speaking of heads, I'm sharing one with this guy Quirrell. Apparently he was one of my minions way back in the day and now he's a professor at Hogwarts! Small world, right? I'm kind of embarrassed though because I don't really remember him. I'd like to say I remember ALL my minions, but you know, it's just so hard. I mean, there's all those faces and their always off doing my bidding, killing all those muggles and such. It's just so hard to keep track! Plus I think he's hard to remember because he was one of those quiet guys
...you know...
the ones that kind of just hang out with your group and you don't really mind because they don't really do much to bug you and they laugh ever so often at your jokes or say something relevant and you go "ok, this kid isn't so bad"? ...yeah that kind of guy. But it made the reunion and me asking to share his soul and body kind of awkward. Actually he's dictating these thoughts into this diary right now so... it's kind of awkward again.
...so...
I'm gonna go with him to his first class. Merlin's beard, can you believe I'm sitting in on a class? It'll be like reliving my glory days when I ruled the school. I was the man.
Evily,
Voldemort
P.S. Quirrell said the song was by Bowling For Soup. See? Totally one of those quiet guys with the relevant comments! ...whoops. 'nother awkward moment.
Dear Horcrux Diary,
Ugh. Can't believe the Potter brat lived. I actually saw him today. Ok, so I didn't seehim because my face was in Quirrell's turban thing, but I heard him and Quirrell just said it was sohim. (Though I felt his presence way before this. I may be just a face on a head, but I still got the magic juice. C'mon! They don't call me "The Dark Lord" for nothing!) Double boo hiss! Just one more thing for me to do on my rise to power.
Rise to Power List:
Get Body
Kill Potter
Rule World
It seems simple now, but I mean these are just general things. The final one's going to be waaaaaymore complex and detailed. But hey, gotta start somewhere right? Oh wait...I was going to put "get Sorcerer's stone" in there...shoot. Ok, revised version:
Rise to Power List:
Get Sorcerer's Stone
Get Body
Get the Death Eater Crew together for some good old fashion fun
Kill Potter
Rule World
Yessss, I'm liking that one a lot better. Though I didn't put in much time for R&R...I'll fit that in later.
Even more Evily than last time,
Voldemort
Dear Horcrux Diary,
So that Quirrell guy is pretty rad. Get this: It's Halloween and he goes to me "Hey Dark Lord...you want to have a treat and pull a trick on all the kiddies here." (Yeah, he's so witty, btw. It's nice to have an educated fellow to talk to ever so often. Waybetter than that Lucious Malfoy guy. He's sooooo superficial. That guy needs to spend less time in front of a mirror and more time killing muggles, if you catch my drift. I mean, c'mon. His hair is nicer than his wife's. That's sad.)
So I go "Dude...dude, totally. I am SO DOWN. What have you got in mind?"
And he says "Sire, I saw this troll just looking to smash up some students."
And I said "Oh man....let's do it."
So then we bewitched this UGLY thing into Hogwarts and he's slouching around the halls somewhere just waiting to stir some things up. Oh man, it's gonna be sooooooo good. I can't wait. Also, I think I'm gonna give Quirrell a nickname. I'm thinking the Q-man. Awesome, the Q-man just gave me a thumbs up.
A Very Evil Halloween,
Voldemort
Dear H. Diary,
So. Pissed.
Potter stopped the troll. What a betch.
Must he ruin everything for me?
Feeling less evil,
Voldemort
Dear Horcrux Diary,
It's been a while since I've wrote in you. I guess the last Potter escapade had me down in the dumps and not feeling much like writing. My bad. It's just so hard to do things when you're not feeling like your 100% evil self. Though my spirits are up because I'm going to go see (well, be in the presence of) a Quidditch match between Slytherin and Gryffindor and I'm certain my House of Slytherin brethren will smash those goody two shoe Gryffindors to a pulp. Better yet, I hear Potter is on the Gryffindorks team and I'm hoping Q-man and I can get some bludgers to rough him up, perhaps kill him if we're lucky, and make it look like an accident. I'm keeping my figurative fingers crossed!!
In all elated evilness,
Voldemort
Dear H. Diary,
So. Pissed. Again.
My house lost. Potter won it for the Gryffindorks. Now he looks like even more of a hero.
My life SUCKS.
Enragedly Evil,
Voldemort
P.S. Quirrell lost his nickname for screwing up the curse on Potter's broom. Not cool man. Not cool.
Dear Horcrux Diary,
Not liking the little chit chat Snape had with me and Quirrell at the edge of the Forbidden Forest today. Can't he just let a man-with-the-greatest-evil-wizard-there-ever-was-on-the-back-of-his-head live their life in peace? But nooooooo, he had to go play 20 questions over our interest in the Sorcerer's stone. Geez! That guy is just too Nosey! Ha, get it? Nosey...cause of Snape's huge schnoz? Whatever. Quirrell laughed at it.
Anywho, maybe we are being a little too careless in our efforts if Snape is noticing things. Perhaps I'm slipping...Quirrell said I should lay off the unicorn's blood, it's making me a bit loopy seeing as I'm talking a lot to myself. A*^#&TH////\\\In case you're wondering about the random letters and symbols, I just mentally punished Quirrell for that unicorn blood and crazy talking to myself/horcrux comment. That was his attempt at being funny.
Only the Dark Lord gets to put puns in this diary.
Evily,
Voldemort
Dear Horcrux Diary,
SOMEONEis being a little touchy these days. All I wanted to do was go into the forest for some good old life sustaining unicorn blood, but Quirrell was all "Idon't think it's a good idea. People are on to us. Blah blah bladity blah!" Want to know what I think? I think if SOME people didn't make such a BIG DEAL about little things, then SOMEstupid little brats wouldn't get all suspicious and then find ONE VERY GREAT DARK LORD having some freaking refreshing unicorn blood!
Great Quirrell. Just Great. Now they totally know I'm like around and after the Sorcerer's Stone. WAY TO BLOW MY COVER. GEEZ! Ugh. Why doesn't anything go my way?
Denied of evilness,
Voldemort
P.S. Quirrell promised he would make it up to me...so I guess we're like...cool. For now.
Dear Horcrux Diary,
Tonights the night! Quirrell and I have it all planned out. I've got the talent, coordination, and strategic genius so the music playing, broom flying, and chess playing we'll be able to breeze through. And Quirrell's a total nerd so he'll get us through all the easy book smart stuff. So from there it's just grab the stone and peace. And if Potter and his buddies come along we'll just bash their little faces in with our kick ass magic. Eternal life is practically in my hands! What could possibly go wrong?
Most excitedly evil,
Voldemort
P.S. Can you believe next time I write in you I could possibly have a new body? EXCITINGGGG!!
END.
Spoiler Alert: A lot goes wrong. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. If anyone likes this I might do another...Read & Review....