I could sit on this peak all day and all night. I'm just lonely enough to do it, and you know it. The serene environment keeps the rest of them at bay sometimes, like now. But you never leave me alone do you? Always watching in silence. I don't know how, but I know your there.
I can finally get some peace from the raging bickering and loud screams from which are the other voices that occupy my mind. They get so loud sometimes and I can't concentrate or even hear my own thoughts over them. Thank goodness your being quiet right now, still listening. But there are times them and I get along and share a few laughs. I get stares from the others when I laugh at my own expense, and cackling to myself is indeed expensive. Those certain visitors have cost me friends, family, and even money itself. Most of the time I can't control my own actions.
No one gets me, understands me. They can't see how I'm hearing sentences that I don't think up, or how I hold conversations with hide-away beings. Like I want to be this way? Those voices, which go on nameless, have eagerly informed me their not leaving. As if they were excited to make me miserable. What do you go by? Silence… again. I know your there.
I've grown used to this situation as it replays itself day after day. This has gone on for years now and still no one wants anything to do with me. They shun me instantly without even asking my name. Except for her, Zoe. She likes me and you guys seem to like her too. It wasn't always like this though. She wasn't so much afraid of me, like everybody else, but just didn't understand. But unlike the others, she did get to know me and the wall I spent so many years building to protect myself from outsiders was destroyed within seconds as she asked my name.
I didn't think it would last long but here I am at SSX for another season and she's still here for me. When me and the others really strike a hard to leave conversation, she doesn't mind, she listens, and now knows. For she was once blind now sees. Sometimes she even joins my one on thoughts convo. Even still, she's only one friend. A good one, but just one. With or with out her, I'm still as lonely as ever. Me and Zoe's relationship is strictly plutonic. Those words have never been spoken, but it obviously clear. The message was said without words. This adds to my depression, not because I could never be with Zoe but how I could never have a real relationship with any woman.
I like to think if I jump those power lines again I'll either make it over and get good publicity or hit the lines and either rid these voices or die. What ever the outcome, it would make me happy. Your silence has never stopped me, and it won't stop me now. No matter how many times I've thought about suicide, the others have been there for me. They at least talk me out of it. I could never tell Zoe my thought on passing on. But I can't hide it from you guys, shit I can't hide anything from you.
I've been to therapy but none of that helps. One asshole told me to take control and suppress all of you. He's obviously never been schizophrenic before. My personalities are so different from one another but it's still me. It's like I'm feeling everybody else's feelings and acting on them, I act on my feeling. Happy, hyper, depressed, pissed. I have a new personality for them all. And the switches from the personalities are quick and swift I can't control it, it feels like an out of body experience. All of this commotion is like rapid fire. So violent and dangerous. That's when Zoe takes her leave from me. I try to explain I can't control anything but they won't hear any of it. And it's moments like this I cherish because I'm left alone for the most part. It's like the voices stepped out for a second, except for you of course. It's a damn crying shame no one sees me like this.
Out of all of my personalities, this is the real me. And no one will ever see me for me, not even Zoe. No one will ever see this. After tonight, maybe no one will ever see me again. For tonight, those power lines and I will meet again. One of those three fates is bound to happen. I honestly hope I hit the lines, I feel like dying. No one sees or hears what I do, I'm done being me. All of the emotion over the years I bottled up are what make up my internal friends, and I know you know what I think of them, their not welcomed. You? Not so much. But yea, I'm ready to die. That's why they talk me out of suicide. So they can survive, for their own benefit. Well tonight is different, me and fate meet tonight over the power lines, and their finally not here to stop me. Just me, myself, and I. I better do it before they return to scream at me to turn back.
I wrote Zoe a nice long letter about everything I've said to you and what I'm up to. I doubt she's believes I had the ability to produce a nice well written letter, formally addressed. I'll only have one regret though. And that is if I do die, I don't want Zoe to think she could've stopped me. I don't want my death to rest on her conscious.
I better make myself scarce because here she comes now screaming my name. So it's your last chance, if your going to speak, do it before I hit those lines, cause buddy, whoever you are, I don't plan on making it over…