Looking at me, you'd never expect that I've been through what I have been. I mean, I'm just your average college student. I'm 22, 6"3', I've got a teacher that hates me, a principal that hates me more, and I've got the best girlfriend in the whole world. Being the daughter of a major politician may not make her royalty, but I'd choose Jen over a princess any day. I just wish that my life wasn't fucked up as badly as it was... I mean, Hitler was bad, Hiroshima was bad, but nothing beats the hell I've experienced. I'd better start at the beginning. It'll make more sense, or so I've heard.

(The scene is a college classroom. Students are listening carefully as one of them is giving a speech. The teacher remains expressionless as a woman with reddish-purple hair is smiling and fiddling with the cross on her necklace. Upon the man's conclusion, everyone applauds.)

I'd just finished giving my report on the Coral Castle, a structure surrounded by paranormal rumors. Such was the norm when you're studying parapsychology. Anyways, as with many of my other reports, this one was a few hundred pages away from becoming a best-selling novel. And, as expected, my teacher responded in the very way I thought she would.

"Subpar, as always, Mr. Taylor."

I may not have mentioned this yet, but I really hate this bitch.

Several students cried complaints as the teacher turned to the girl with reddish-purple hair. "Ms. Wills, your report please." The woman started, then stood erect and began giving her speech on the mysterious nature of Near Death Experiences.

That's Jennifer Wills, the world's greatest girlfriend. You can have your actresses, your models, your everything else. I'll stick with Jen.

Jennifer concluded and the class applauded. "Not bad, Jennifer. I'm quite a fan of works. However..." Jen frowned. "Is something wrong?" The teacher sighed. "It's apparent that you've been taking notes from Rick. I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop that. I want nothing more than for you to graduate, but taking notes from Mr. Taylor isn't going to help." Rick growled.

Oh yeah, almost forgot. I really hate this bitch.

The end of class bell rang and everyone got up to leave. Rick grabbed his stuff and quickly left. "Hey, Rick. Another Grade A report!" Rick snorted. "Yeah, if I'm lucky, I might get an F." A tall man with a longish ponytail and a black trenchcoat walked up. "I know what you mean. Ms. Edras is a real ballbuster." Rick smirked. "And you're busted, Jake." The man raised an eyebrow, turned around, and found Ms. Edras standing there.

"Hey, Ms. Ballbuster. Got to go." Ms. Edras glared at him as she watched him leave. "Mr. Taylor, can I have a second?" Jennifer and another girl walked up as Rick glanced at the clock. He took two steps forward, waved, then turned around. "Mr. Taylor, I'd like to speak with you for a few minutes." Rick glanced at the clock, then turned to Jen. "Meet you outside in a couple of minutes."

Rick reentered the classroom and, without a second thought, he sat in the teacher's seat and crossed his feet on her desk. Ms. Edras glanced at his feet and Rick smirked. "What? Its' not like you can do anything more to me than you already have." Ms. Edras snorted. "Expulsion sounds nice." Rick sighed, then put his feet on the ground. "Mr. Taylor, I admire your effort. I really do. But if you're going to take someone in this class down with you when you flunk, don't you dare pick Ms. Wills. I won't allow that."

Rick stood up. "Let me get this straight. You'll flunk me when I am an award-winning report writer, but when I start helping my girlfriend, someone's who's genuinely struggling, you're threatening to flunk her too? Wow... Jake was right. You really are a ballbuster." Rick waved, then quickly left. "I hate that kid..."

Just in case you forgot, I reaaaaaaaaaaaly hate that bitch.

Outside, Rick walked up to Jake, Jennifer, and her friend, Michelle. "How'd it go?" Rick smirked. "Get this. She's threatening to flunk Jen if I help her with another report." Jennifer rolled her eyes as Michelle sighed. "What a bitch." Rick threw his hand in the air. "Finally! After two years of complaining, someone agrees with me." Jen shook her head as a limo drove up. "Here's my ride. Wanna lift?" Jake smirked. "Nah, Michelle and I have to study for Ms. Ballbuster's next period."

Rick shook his head. "I gotta head back to my parent's place to grab a few things." Jen smirked and quickly kissed Rick. "See you tonight." Rick nodded as Jennifer ran down to the limo. "What's going on?" Rick took off his backpack and pulled out a small, rather old-looking book. Jen and I are going up north for the weekend, just to get away from it all." Jake laughed out loud. "I thought she was one of those 'no-sex-before-marraige' chicks." Rick frowned. "She is."

Jake backed up defensively. "No, we're going up north to be alone and to study this." Michelle grabbed it and examined the book. "A new Stephen King novel?" Rick snorted and took it back. "Hardly. On one of our recent excapades into the paranormal, Jen and I discovered this in an old abandoned farmhouse. Believe or not, it's the diary of Herbert West." Jake and Michelle's jaws dropped. "The Herbert West?! As in the guy who lived in the Splatterhouse?" Rick smirked and nodded slowly. "If a report on this doesn't get me an A, I'm taking Edras to court on terms of being too much of a bitch."

Rick replaced the book into his backpack. "Well, I'm outta here. See you guys on Monday." Rick ran off and jumped into his car, which was an '88 Toyota Camry, a rather newish car (not that Rick cared). He drove out of the parking lot, drove a few miles out of town, then pulled up to a little rural house surrounded by trees. He unlocked the door and walked in. "Anybody here?" He shut the door and got the usual Taylor household welcome. "Fuck off!!"

Rick sighed. "It's me, grandpa." He turned the corner and saw an old man watch M*A*S*H while sitting in a rocking chair. "I know that. That's why I said that." Rick sighed and muttered under his breath. "Nice to see you too..." He turned the corner and found his mother. 'Rick!" Rick sighed as he got his manditory hug. "How are you doing?" Rick smirked. "I'm fine. I'm going up north with Jen for the weekend." Just then, Rick's grandfather yelled from the other room. "That woman is a whore."

I love my grandfather. I really do. But I've never tried so hard not to strangle that guy.

"Gerald, will you shut up?" Rick's mother escorted him to his room, which was left just as he'd left it: messy as hell. Rick quickly shuffled through it, found a duffle bag, stuffed some clothes into it, then grabbed a CD player. "Where's dad?" Rick's mom started. "Oh, he's at the store. He'll be back in half an hour if you want to wait." Rick shook his head. "Nah, I gotta get going. Its' pretty late as is." Rick's mother looked at the clock. "But its' only quarter past five." Gerald yelled from the other room. "Let him go, Diane. Don't get between a man and his woman."

Rick sighed. "I love you." Rick hugged Diane, said his goodbyes to his grandfather, then drove a couple of miles east, back into town, through it, and out the other side. Just on the outskirts, he drove up to the gate of a large mansion. 'It'd be pretty cool to live in one of these...' Just then, the speaker next to him crackled as it was turned on. "Who goes there?" Rick smirked and put on his sunglasses, speaking in his best Terminator voice. "This is Ahnold. You must let me in so that I can kill Mr. Wills. If you do not, he will take a dump that will explode the toilet and cause the apocolypse!"

Laughter was heard on the other end. "Last time, it was the Fonz." Rick smirked, then spoke again in his Arnold voice. "I can do the Fonz, too! Ay!" The gate opened as the man on the other side tried desperately to not crack up. Rick drove through the gate and passed by a little toll booth-like shed. "Hello, Vincent. How are you today?" An elderly man of about 62 walked out of the shed, wiping tears from his eyes. "One of these days, you're gonna give me a heart attack, Rick."

That's Vince. I've known him ever since I started dating Jen three years ago. We go way back.

Rick cleared his throat, then glanced at the mansion. "Have you heard about our little escapade up north?" Vince nodded, still trying to stop laughing. "You two be careful, okay?" Rick smirked. "Right now, I'm alone. I'll answer that on the way out, okay?" Vince nodded and watched as Rick drove off. He parked at the bottom of the stairs, walked up them, then rang the doorbell.

Rick began whistling Turkey In The Straw as he heard a soft commotion on the other side. Soon, a butler answered the door. "Master Rick, we've been expecting you." Rick sighed. "For the last time, Trace, it's either Rick, Richard, or Dick. Not so much the last one, but just as long as it isn't 'Master something'." Tracy smirked and let Rick in. "Miss Jennifer will be down momentarily." Rick stretched his arms, sat in a nearby seat, and crossed his legs.

"Hey, Trace. Do you ever get lost, living in a place like this?" Tracy smirked. "At first, yes. But, I've grown quite aware of where everything is now." Rick nodded. "How long did that take?" Tracy chuckled as Jennifer appeared with a few bags of stuff. "About six months." Rick scoffed and stood as Jennifer dragged him into an embrace. "Right on time, as always." Rick's jaw dropped. "You thought I was going to be late?"

Jennifer's father, Patrick, walked down the stairs with the last of Jennifer's things. "No, but Jennifer and I made a bet that you'd be late." Rick smirked. "Who lost?" Patrick smirked as well. "I never said we didn't choose the same outcome." Rick laughed out loud, then took Jen's bags from him. "Right, we're off. I'll have her back on Sunday."

Patrick and Tracy watched from the top of the stairs as Jen's things were put into Rick's trunk, they kissed, and drove off. Just before reaching the gate, Rick stopped at Vince's shed again. "As pertaining to your previous statement, yes. We will be careful." Vince chuckled. "Really? Anything special going to be happening?" Jen nodded. 'We're going to be reading a book for college." Rick motioned to the backseat. "There's always room for one more on the fun bus." Vince laughed. "I'm good. But seriously, you two be careful." The gate opened as Jen sighed. "Come on, Vince. What's the worse that could happen?"

To think, at the time, I actually thought that that statement was funny... Guess that how irony works...