Disclaimer: I do not own the copyright for Waking the dead or its characters – all rights belong to the BBC

Content: Boyd and Grace

Rating: K

Happy New Year everyone! As always I really appreciate you taking the time to read this. I think I should maybe give a bit of an angst tissue warning with this one …. Sorry! You might want to give Boyd a hug when you've finished though. Would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you once again.

Dear Boyd

Boyd stopped the engine of his Audi and sat motionless staring ahead at the large imposing snow covered iron gates in front of him. He closed his eyes softly, drawing a deep centring breath in an attempt to quell the heightening noise thundering within him. Nothing, it seemed, could dull his senses or prevent the intense debilitating pain that heavily weighed around his heart. Slowly opening his eyes his focus fell on two white envelopes purposefully placed on the dashboard in front of him. Reaching out tentatively he picked up the top envelope, carefully turning it over in his hands. The familiar hand writing which adorned the front caused a fresh surge of anguish to course agonising through him as brutal and devastating as the first time he had read it. His fingers traced lazily over the name penned in black ink. His name. The name that had been so often spoken, shouted, whispered was now lovingly written.

'Boyd'.

The sound of her soft voice echoed his name through every fibre of his being dragging his soul once again into blackened turmoil.

'Boyd'.

Gently he turned the envelope over and removed the letter it contained, unfolding it carefully. His vision once again became blurred as unbidden tears began to pool in his dark eyes, the words dancing on the page before him as he tried to focus. He had read it many times, knew every word on every line, each one a tormenting demon ripping at his heart before unforgivingly tearing it to pieces. He instinctively raised the paper to his face, her scent was fading from the sheet, but as he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply he could still smell the memory of her. It was undoubtedly her. The aroma of which caused his heart to lurch within him in unimaginable pain.

He held the letter softly in his hand and began to read her words once again.

Dear Boyd,

The fact that you are reading this means that I have taken the cowards way out. I hope that you can forgive me for that and that you believe me when I tell you just because my words may be written they do not carry any less meaning or depth than if I spoke them to you in person. I wanted to be completely honest with you at least once during our friendship. You deserve that. I hoped I would have had the courage to look into your eyes, to say these things face to face, but it appears I am not as brave as I thought.

You have been the one constant thing in my life over these last twenty-five years. We have had some great times you and me. Even now as I write I am smiling as wonderful memories are flooding my mind, filling me with warmth and laughter. So many happy moments that I will cherish eternally. I know that I have often told you how much you drive me completely mad, and you do, but you need to know that you make me laugh so much more. Even during some of the blackest periods of my life you had the ability to make me smile and raise my spirits. The endearing thing is that you don't even know you are doing it. Remember when you bought that stupid remote control plane. You were like a little boy at Christmas, grinning manically at what Santa had left for you. I gave you such a hard time about going through a mid-life crisis, taunting you about buying a sports car (which by the way, I know you did eventually buy and is hidden away in your garage hardly driven), and picking up young blondes half your age. But the truth was watching you in childlike wonderment was so uplifting at a time when I absolutely needed it. I just loved seeing the light back in your eyes, even if it was only for the briefest of moments. I felt so close to you then, each of us drawing strength from the other. I honestly don't think I could have coped with Mel's death if you weren't there and I know that I would have done just about anything for you if I thought it would have made you smile for just one second more.

Life it seems has thrown so much at us. Good and bad. We have had our ups and downs; we've laughed … and cried. I watched as you struggled to deal with Luke's tragic death. I saw how broken and lost you were, how you tried to be strong when inside your heart was shattered. I wanted so much to be able to help ease your burden, but I knew there was nothing that I could offer that would have been of any comfort to you. I was so painfully aware that you didn't want me to even try but what I was completely unprepared for was the deep hurt I felt as you pushed me away. Instead of seeking any kind of solace, I saw you withdraw and isolate yourself, engulfed in grief, immersed in absolute darkness and I was utterly helpless to do anything about it. That time when we drifted apart was one of the bleakest points in my life. The realisation that you didn't need or want me near you was almost as crushing as the knowledge that I was absolutely incapable of helping you. The more you pushed me away and shut me out, the darker it became. Of course, I understand your reasoning, you lost your son and it was completely selfish of me to even consider our broken relationship in light of that, but the fact that I was unable to help my oldest and dearest friend when he needed me most was simply unbearable.

I am so glad we worked it out and rebuilt our relationship. I know it took time, but it was definitely worth fighting for. But then again, I suppose that is what we do best …. fighting! Some would say that we almost have perfected it. Years of working closely together has made us so comfortable to speak our minds confident in the knowledge that our friendship is deeper than any row we may have, although it did come close once or twice! Knowing each other so well also means that we know one another's weak points and we push them, frequently. For as long as I have known you, you have infuriated as much as exhilarated me. Always up for a challenge, never one to back down, you are my very worthy opponent. Our journey has been a turbulent ride to say the least but one I wouldn't have missed for the world.

You have been such strength to me, especially over this last year. You stood beside me, supported me, comforted me, and have been a shoulder that I could cry on when things became too much. It has been you who has been there every step of the way. You, who encouraged me to fight when my strength had gone and I felt like a weak old woman. I know I wouldn't have made it this far if it wasn't for you. I would have given up months ago, surrendered to the inevitable, but you wouldn't let me. You shouted, swore, screamed, and berated me into fighting harder than I ever fought before. And I swear I did, I fought with everything I had. I fought for you.

Words seem so inadequate. How could I ever express my gratitude for everything you have done, everything you have given to me? To the world you display this gruff 'devil may care' attitude, yet to me, during these last few months, you have been so gentle and caring. I have seen behind the mask, seen the real you, the essential you, the you that you try to hide away from the rest of the world. That you is very special, and very very beautiful. You let me in, trusted me enough to let down your guard and I can never tell you how much that means to me. How much you mean to me.

Your friendship has been the single most important aspect of my life. I can't imagine how life would be if I hadn't met you. I still remember the first time we spoke like it was only yesterday. I was so green and naïve in amongst a room full of hardened coppers and you took pity on me. The smile you gave that day was completely captivating and I knew then that you were going to be a big part of my life. You always were a forwarded thinker, despite what you outwardly say about it all being psycho-babble crap. I know you don't mean it. Half the time you are looking for a rise out of me, most of the time you get one. The cheeky glint in your eye tells me you know exactly what you are doing, which buttons to press, how I will react. No one has got under my skin like you have. There isn't any other person that I would let take my emotions on the roller coaster journey like you do. But then again, there isn't anyone else I would want to share this journey with. Only you Boyd, it has always been only you.

We have always been so good at expressing ourselves professionally, neither of us feeing the need to hold back, but there are some things I just couldn't bring myself to voice out loud. As I write this now I am amazed at the folly of my reasoning. Surely in the midst of life telling someone how you feel about them is about the most important thing you can do and yet for me it was the most frightening thing to admit, even to myself. I can't tell you when my feelings towards you began to change, I only know they did.

You are my best friend, someone I trust with every fibre of my being. Letting you go has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I thought I knew what pain was, God knows that this illness has caused enough of it. But even that pales into insignificance compared to the pain of knowing that I will never see your face again, never loose myself in your deep eyes, or hear you say my name. Your smile is etched into my soul for eternity; I will carry it with me always, wherever I go, as I will carry the memory of you. The only real regret I have is that I did not take my opportunity to tell you this before it was too late. I just couldn't bear the thought of you rejecting me, of spoiling what we had together, so it was easier to suppress every heart breaking desire to wrap my arms around you and hold you. You have no idea how much I had to fight the longing within me. How agonisingly difficult it was to see you every day and not be able to touch you, or kiss you. We were so engrossed in the flirtatious dance of propriety that we missed the pinnacle of the relationship that was building between us. So much time wasted Boyd, so many stolen opportunities. It's only now that I realise how precious the time we shared was. Somehow I always thought we would work it out eventually, but in a heartbeat it has fallen between our fingers like grains of sifted sand.

I may regret not telling you these things, not taking the risk of finding out if you felt the same way about me, but I will never regret falling in love with you. You are the most decent, just, loyal, passionate, exasperating, invigorating, stimulating man I have ever met and falling in love with you was the easiest thing in the world. And I am, devastatingly, ridiculously in love with you Peter Boyd …. I always will be.

My biggest wish now is that you find happiness. That somehow you are able to put the demons that incessantly haunt you to rest and you find peace. I know you believe that you are utterly unlovable, but that simply isn't true. I love you unconditionally and that is one of the reasons why I needed to tell you these things and be totally honest with you.

Saying goodbye is breaking my heart Boyd. If there was another way, you know I'd find it and take it, but the truth is I don't have the strength to fight anymore. I swear to you, I tried.

I'm sorry to leave you this way, sorry to say these things without giving you a chance to reply. More than anything I'm sorry that I never took the risk of admitting my love.

Thank you Peter, thank you for all the wonderful years that we have shared together.

Never forget I love you … then, now and always.

Grace xx

Boyd rubbed his fingers across his tear filled eyes as he replaced the letter carefully back into the envelope and placed it in the inside pocket of his jacket. He lifted the other from the dashboard and opened the door of his car slamming it firmly behind him. The sleet laden wind caused him to pull his heavy winter coat tightly around him as he made his way down the snow covered gravel path. He paused outside the large iron gates taking a steading breath before pushing them open and continuing his lonely journey inside.

The trees swayed gently in the breeze displacing the snow that that softly fallen on their branches. The late afternoon sun was falling quickly in the sky causing Boyd to catch his breath in the chill of the air as he walked. Nature was displaying its beauty adorned with the finery of dusk, but all of its splendour was wasted on the solitary figure slowly making his way to his destination.

He arrived sooner than he would have liked and stopped suddenly, closing his eyes momentarily as he stood silently still on the path. He swallowed hard against the lump that was rising in his throat threatening to choke him.

"I can't believe I'm doing this." he whispered into the ether before slowly opening the white envelope he held in his hands. Taking a deep breath he began to read aloud softly.

Grace,

Only you have the ability to take something already so devastating and make it worse. Only you could leave me feeling so completely helpless and lost.

These last few weeks have been so hard without you. I never imagined how much I would miss you, and I do Grace, I miss you so much. It still doesn't feel real. I don't know what to do without you, it all just seems wrong somehow and I will never get used to the fact that you are not here. I never want to get used to it. I keep expecting you to walk in through the door with some smart sarcastic comment that would inevitably make my hackles rise, until you give me that smile. I know you know the smile I mean, and that you are fully aware of the power it holds over me. When you smile I am totally incapable of staying annoyed at you for very long and would probably give in to just about anything. I will never forget your smile Grace.

I suppose it's really me who should be thanking you for being such a big part of my life. If I am being honest, as it seems now we are finally being, over these last few years you were my life. Since Luke died, you were the only person I wanted to be with, the only person I cared about. I am so sorry that I pushed you away when he died. I don't fully understand why I did it. Inside I wanted nothing more than to let you in, for you to comfort me and tell me that it was going to be alright, that I was going to be alright, but I could never find the strength to open up. I suppose I thought in some way if you saw the real me, the person who has made such a mess of his life, who couldn't even save his own son, then you would hate me as much as I hated myself. It tore me apart loosing Luke, I blamed myself for not being a better father, not being able to protect him when he needed me. Knowing that you saw my failures too was just too much for me and so I shut down and pushed you away. Please believe me Grace, it wasn't because I hated you, it was simply because I hated myself.

Your friendship has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I know we fight, but that's just what makes us... us! I would never intentionally hurt you Grace. Just having you beside me every day, being able to bounce ideas and thoughts of you, not to mention the calming influence you have on me, has been what has kept me sane …. well okay saner! You know me better than anyone else; sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself. It unnerves me how in just one look you know exactly what I'm thinking, and even though it irritates the hell out of me the truth be told I love it. I love the closeness we share even though I never told you. I wish more than anything that I had told you Grace.

I have spent the last few weeks so angry at the world. I can feel it raging inside me, burning and ripping violently at everything I am and I'm totally helpless to control it. I want to shout, attempt to release the pain but I don't even have the strength to do that. Even now, faced with this, I can't even begin to express how I'm feeling, not even to myself. All I know is it hurts like hell and it will never stop hurting. I don't want it too. The day I stop hurting over loosing you will be the day I stop remembering you, and that will never happen. I know you, more than anyone else, will understand my inability to explain myself, I only wish I could find the words. I want to tell the world what you mean to me, how much I am missing you. How much your leaving has left me absolutely devastated. How my heart feels like it is under a constant weight of pain. But I'm even incapable of doing that. I am sitting here, at home, whiskey bottle almost empty, trying to tell you how I feel about you and I'm even screwing that up. I wish you were here Grace. You'd be able to help me.

You are the most beautiful, sensitive, patient, brave woman I have ever known. I honestly can't believe that you would even use the word 'coward' in reference to anything you are because, Grace, a coward you certainly are not. You have stood up to me relentlessly over the years when many have hid in a corner, you were never afraid to speak you mind, never afraid to challenge me when you thought I was wrong. No matter how angry, how bad tempered, how much I raged or shouted you never backed down and I admired that so much. I have loved the closeness we've shared over this past year, especially the nights when we would sit and talk, sharing dreams, and reminiscing. I have never felt as comfortable with anyone as I do with you. I watched helplessly as you have fought life's toughest fight over these last few months, wishing there was something more I could do to help. I hated seeing you in all that pain, but you fought with so much courage and resilience. You made me proud Grace. So gracious, so loving, so gentle, and yet stronger than I could ever be. The number of times I stopped myself from taking you in my arms … and now, knowing what I know …. I will always live with the regret of not making any sort of move. Why didn't you just tell me Grace huh? You know how pathetic I am at reading women, you could have just at least tried to let me know. For years you have driven me crazy, and I don't just mean by being so damn impossible. You were constantly in my thoughts; it was your opinion that I sought, the only one that mattered. It was you, always only you Grace.

I have many regrets in my life and one of them will always be not telling you how much I love you, and I am certain that will never change. Everything else has changed though. Nothing holds much interest for me now you are not here to share it. Everything that I loved has been torn from me and I have been totally helpless to prevent it. My weakness haunts me every day and I will live constantly with the brokenness it caused.

I will love you for the rest of my life Grace Foley, then when it decides to release me from this misery I will find you.

Boyd xx

Tenderly he folded the paper he was holding and placed it back into the envelope before slowly stooping down. Gently he used his hands to dig away the frozen layer of snow, then continued to remove a couple of inches of top soil. Satisfied that he had dug down deep enough he placed the white envelope into the hole and began to carefully replace the soil until it was completely covered. Slowly he stood, closing his eyes in silent reflection.

It had been five weeks since Grace had died. Five long, agonising, devastatingly dark weeks and the pain in his heart was even rawer now than it was the moment she passed away. Even though he had been there beside her when she closed her eyes for the last time, and had heard her take her final breath, something inside of him couldn't let her go. Every day since her funeral he had visited her grave unable or unwilling to release her completely. Finding the letter she had written to him among her things had been his undoing. He hadn't been able to sleep, didn't want to eat, couldn't concentrate on anything other than the feeling of extreme emptiness that encompassed him the very moment she left him. He was now completely alone, and he felt it in all its overwhelming hopeless desolation.

Softly he spoke as his fingers rested gently on the headstone in front of him.

"Bye Grace, I'll see you tomorrow."

Before slowly turning and making his way back along the isolated, solitary path before him.

Fin