This is how I think everyone should have reacted to Jacob imprinting, she was two freaking minutes old! How is everyone ok with that?????
He saw those eyes, Bella's eyes, and saw how his whole life was now about her, keeping her safe, happy. Renesmee; daughter of his enemy, daughter of the woman he loved. Half vampire, half human. Her hair was the exact colour of her fathers, her eyes a duplicate of her mothers. Just like her parents, she was beautiful. She was also two minutes old and the spawn of the creature he hated most in the world and the girl he had loved most in the world. 'Why me?' he thought before fainting from shock.
"What happened to him?" asked Alice, slightly concerned about the unconscious werewolf on the floor.
"Who cares?" replied Rosalie, not even looking up from her niece "Now who's a pretty girl?" Rosalie gasped in fake surprise "Is it you? Yes it is! Do you love your auntie Rose? Do you? Of course you do you lovely little girl" Rosalie continued this one sided conversation as Jacob regained consciousness, looked bewildered for a moment, looked back at Renesmee, and began banging his head on the wall muttering to himself.
"Watch the walls you stupid dog, you already stink up the place the last thing we need is the shape of your stupid head imprinted on the wall." She turned back to her niece "Who's a stinky dog? He is, yes he is" Jacob flinched at the word 'imprinted'.
"What's wrong?" asked Alice. Jacob was unable to stutter out a reply for a moment.
"I imprinted" he looked thoroughly downtrodden. Alice nodded sympathetically and patted his shoulder.
"We know this has been hard for you Jake," Jacob noticed the use of his nickname and felt all the worse for imprinting on her niece. And I don't fully understand imprinting, but Bella is changing as we speak, and the best thing for you is to get away from her and Edward, you'd only be picking at the wound if you stay any longer"
"No, not on Bella"
"I don't understand, who do you mean then?" asked Alice. Jacob glanced over to where Rosalie was still 'coochie cooing' to the new born Cullen. Rosalie sighed and said:
"I thought this might happen" she shook her head
"You couldn't have warned me? Why aren't you upset by this?!" asked Jacob, upset
"It's perfectly understandable; I've learned to cope with it. I just want you to know that nothing will ever come of it, I am happily married and you disgust me" replied Rosalie
"How does you being married and hating me alter the fact that I imprinted on Bella's baby?" Rosalie stopped rocking Renesmee, blinked, and turned her suddenly tensed body to face Jacob
"You did what now?" she asked, her voice rising with every word
"Who did you think I meant?" asked Jacob angrily
"I thought you meant me you idiot!"
"That's ridiculous! Not to mention disgusting" Jacob sneered. Rosalie looked ready to explode with rage; she lifted Renesmee slightly and yelled:
"How is a fully grown and incredibly attractive vampire worse than a new born half vampire who's mother you happen to be sweet on?!"
"Please, when I imprinted my feelings for Bella went away, now it's as it should be, friendship love"
"That is so not as it should be" said Alice, stony faced
"Alice, will you please hold the baby?" asked Rosalie
"Rosalie do not attack him! Bella wouldn't want you too"
"Are you joking? When she wakes up she'll want to do it herself!"
"Exactly! If he's already dead then she can't do it herself!"
It was then that Jasper walked slowly into the room, his posture stiff, his mouth in a tight line and he calmly sat down. When he began saying very calmly and seriously 'ew ew ew ew ew ew ew'
"Jazz, what's the matter?" Alice asked, concerned for her husband
"You know how I can feel other people's emotions Alice?"
"Yes" said Alice warily, beginning to understand
"And you know how you just have to think about how disgusting it is what he did?" said Jasper
"Yes"
"I have to feel it"
"Oh Jazz!" cried Alice sympathetically, going to hug Jasper
"Don't touch me" Jaspers quivering hand rose to signal for Alice to keep her distance "I feel dirty"
"Who feels dirty?" asked Emmett, entering the room, then, seeing the baby added solemnly "How's Bella?"
"Jasper feels dirty cause he has to feel the dogs disgusting feelings and Bella is getting stronger as we speak. Keep that in mind Jacob" said Rosalie, still glaring at Jacob. She practically spat out his name
"Ok dude, Bella's a mom now you can't think about her like that." said Emmett, grinning
"He is perving on our niece! Because he is a disgusting dog!" yelled Rosalie, her rage preventing her from putting it more delicately. From the first time possibly since birth (barring when he was being mauled by a bear) Emmett's face did not have a smile on it. Neither a confident smirk nor a contented grin. No suggestive leer or innocent simper. Just a blank stare.
"It's not perving! I just imprinted on Remensme!" Rosalie's hatred grew as Jacob stumbled over the invented name. Jacob visibly flinched as Emmett turned his head to face him.
"Ok, I am going to say this once. That is truly, truly messed up. And once I recover from my horror and disgust, you will never live this down. And though it will mean execution from the Volturi, believe me when I tell you. I will put you on Jerry Springer. And I will enjoy it. Because it will punish you for being gross, and because it will be really really funny." And with that, Emmett Cullen turned to leave.
"Well at least he can see the funny side" said Jacob hopefully
"Emmett saw the funny side of him being mauled by a bear, his sense of humour is not to be trusted." Said Rosalie, her head in her hands. Jacob could not help but hear snippets of her angry murmurs, murmurs of such terms as 'mutt' and several curses used in conjunction with said terms. While all this was occurring, no-one noticed that another Cullen had joined the gathering, well, Emmett had but he thought it would be funnier to leave it unnoticed.
"Jacob?" Edwards's voice said, his normally velvety voice cracking like that of an adolescent as he tightly gripped the doorframe.
"Yes Edward?" answered Jacob quietly, his eyes darting around the room, searching for an escape route, before he would have fought, but he thought that would cause tension when Renesmee was grown.
"It may be slightly awkward if you slaughter her family yes. That would certainly put a damper on your future relationship" said Edward, then noticing Jacob's confused expression, added "oh, you appear to have forgotten that I can read minds my dear boy"
"I'm sorry, did you just suggest this dog will have any part in my niece's life dear brother?" said Rosalie, her voice thick with sarcasm at the term 'dear brother'
"As I have mentioned, beloved sister," Edwards's sarcasm making Rosalie's sarcasm look quite watery indeed "I can read minds. And although I am disgusted to my very core, I am also aware that if we attempt to banish this... being, from our presence and the presence of my daughter, the daughter of the woman he loved and the vampire who's throat he wanted to rip out, his enemy not only by nature but for personal reasons," Edward paused and turned to face Jacob "how is this not putting you off?" Jacob shrugged and replied "I don't think it's possible for me to 'go off' my imprintee, it would be sort of like you being put off Bella because it was sick and wrong and you're a monster and she is a human"
"not for much longer she won't be" smirked Rosalie
"Also," added Alice "you kind of forfeited the moral high ground when you fell in love with a baby"
"I did not fall in love with a baby! I'll be like her brother, then when she's older-"
"When she's old enough you can say to her 'hey! I'm pretty much your brother and I broke your moms hand when I forced her to kiss me, let's hook up!'" exclaimed Emmett, re-entering the room. He had recovered from his horror quicker than the rest of his family.
"As I was saying" said Edward "I am also aware that if we banish Jacob then he will only follow us around anyway, as much as I would like to see the back of him, we will wait until Bella is awake and she and I will discuss this as parents"
Well, Jacob, optimist that he was, thought he was safe for now. And he though if he's already in trouble:
"So can I hold her?" he was answered with several voices saying 'no' in a variety of ways, some ways less polite than others.
xxxXxxxXxxxXxxxXxxx
Two days into the Bella's transformation Edward did not leave her side for a moment. Meanwhile the rest of his family were left to deal with Jacob. The combination of Rosalie's contempt and Emmett's teasing driving Jacob to the brink of despair. He actually felt hurt when he noticed Esme shudder when she heard the situation and Jacob could not help but feel saddened by Carlisle's head shaking. Jacob felt like a five year old who had taken an extra cookie as he felt Carlisle's 'I'm disappointed in you' face upon him. And then when he had to tell the tribe:
"You're going on Springer with this right?" asked Paul
"You know that's almost exactly what one of them said" replied Jacob
"Well that bloodsucker may be a monster but at least he knows how to handle a situation like this" said Paul.
"Jake?" asked Seth. Jacob turned his head to face Seth, hoping it was a question about the weather "Why are you still alive? Didn't Edward take a swing at you?"
"He said he would wait till Bella woke up then they would 'discuss it'" replied Jacob.
"So Bella is definitely getting vamped up?"
"Yes. Look, I just came here to let you know Remesne isn't dangerous, so there is nothing to worry about. And to let you know that I imprinted"
"Who's not dangerous?" asked Quil
"Sorry, Renesmee" Jacob still had difficulty with that name
"Yes, who is funny name?" asked Quil, not wanting to risk mispronouncing the name
"The baby"
"Bella named her child Renesmee?"
"Yes"
"Why?"
"It's a combination of Renee and Esme"
"Oh so if it was a boy it was going to be Charlisle?"
"No if it was a boy it was going to be Edward"
"So the grandfathers don't get included?"
"No her middle name's Carlie. As in Carlisle and Charlie."
"Right..."
"Back to the original point" said Sam "the attack is off; we all know how serious an imprint is"
"Thank you Sam" said Jacob. And with that he turned to return to the Cullen house.
"Why must he always be so difficult?" asked Sam rhetorically.
xxxXxxxXxxxXxxxXxxx
"Where's Blondie?" asked Jacob as he entered the house
"Hunting" replied Emmett, who was jangling keys to amuse Renesmee
"So..."
"You may hold Renesmee if you promise to go on Springer"
"No, can I still hold her?"
"Ricki Lake?"
"No"
"Maury Povich?"
"No"
"Jeremy Kyle?"
"Who's Jeremy Kyle?"
"He's an English one, so no one here need know of your perversion"
"You watch English talk shows"
"Jakey boy, when you don't sleep and you have a whole lot of cash, you watch everything"
"Fine, Jeremy Kyle it is" and with that, Emmett handed over Renesmee
Jacob gently rocked the baby and said "Hey Renessie"
"What was that?" asked Emmett
"I just said hi"
"You said Renessie"
"It's a weird name! It's hard to pronounce!"
"Renessie. Renessie. Re-ne-ssee" Emmett seemed to be pondering the slip of the tongue
"Hmm, Nessie, like the sea monster" laughed Jacob
"Full set, we got vampires, we got werewolves, now it looks like we got a sea monster, all we need is a mummy and a creepy blonde child and we can make the greatest horror movie on earth!
"Hey Nessie" Jacob smiled down at the child
"Bella's gonna kill you if you keep calling her that" grinned Emmett
*Edit. It came to my attention that the bit where Jasper says 'I have to feel it' may be confusing. He doesn't mean that he has to feel what Alice is thinking, he means that he has to feel what Jacob is feeling rather than just thinking about what he is feeling... if that makes sense. Anyway, I just like the line so it's staying!