I don't own anything. This story is inspired by the Kodaline song.
Chapter 1 Tonks POV.
"NO! REMUS! Wake up, please. WAKE UP!" I felt heavier than ever before, my world came crashing down around me as I came in and out of conciousness. My husband and father of our new born baby boy was dead. I couldn't move I was stuck lying next to the man reaching for him. He was too far. He would never hold me.
"Take me with you." I whispered. "Take my body." I drifted off again. The war went on around around me. I didn't want to be anywhere but with Remus. I had nothing left to fight for. I couldn't go on without him.
_
"Dora, can you hear me?" My mother Andromeda held my hand. "Sweety I was so worried! The light won! Harry won!" I cried.
"He's gone mama." I forgot how young I really was.
"I know sweety. I'm so sorry baby." She brushed a tear off of my cheek. "I brought you someone who misses you very much."
"Teddy?" I had been very excited to see my baby boy at last. I just wanted to feel whole again.
"I'll go get him, he's in the hall with Molly." My mother walked out the hospital door and minutes later came back with a tiny bundle.
She handed the small yellow blanket to me and I looked down at the gurgling child. I couldn't.
"Take him back." I said in a small defeated voice.
"Honey, look how much he's grown in only 2 months." Andromeda coo'd.
"TAKE HIM BACK!" I screamed. My sweet boy started to cry. I lost it. My mother took my small child.
"Nymphadora! What is you're problem?" My mother backed away with consern.
"Just go mama, I don't wan't to see him anymore. Leave me." I hiccupped on my tears. My mom didn't say anything elce she just left the room holding Remus's son.
It had been two weeks since anyone has visited me. I refused to see my child, told my mother to stop coming and completely pushed away all my friends. I was leaving the hospital today and It had been months since I had seen my home. Our home. I started packing up my stuff while a nurse cleaned my space. The door behind me swung open and Molly Weasley was standing there with her hand on her hips.
"I'm taking you home Tonks." Weasley said shortly.
"I can get home by myself. Thank-you very much." I slung my bag over my shoulder and walked past her.
"Cut the crap Nymphadora. You aren't the only person who is mourning." I remembered that Molly had lost her son in the war.
"I'm sorry Molly." I whispered not looking at the lady.
"I'm taking you home." The woman looked really good for the pain she must have been feeling. I didn't refuse.
I followed the red headed woaman in silence from Saint Mungos. Everything seemed so bright. The skys were clear and the sun was shining beautifully over the city. It must have rained the night before because puddles still sat helplessly in the cracks of pavemnet on the old road. I looked down at myself in one of the puddles and saw how awful i looked. My eyes were red and my face was pale. I lost a bunch of weight and my hair was no longer changing colours. It sat at the mousey brown I deemed 'Natural.' I stepped into the puddle right on to where I was moments before looking up at myself. i don't think i was magic anymore.
"Lets apparate here." Molly grabbed my hand and without me protesting we were turning. Landing with a thud we came to what was my home. It still looked the same as it once was just months earlier.
"I can take it from here. Thanks Molly." I forced myself to hug the lady and act like everything was alright.
"Not so fast. I'll make us tea." I hated that Molly was staying.
I opened my front door and walked in. It still smelled slightly like the wolfsbane Remus used to drink. Everything was as he left it. I walked into our family room and saw all the photos of our little family moving before me. I didn't know how I could do it. I picked up a small rememberal that Remus had bought me on our second date when I forgot the first one. I threw it as hard as I could against the wall shattering it in tiny peices. I then went to the sofa and ripped all the little pillows that were blue, his favourite colour. I let out many painful screams as my heart hurt way too much. I turned and grabbed one of his Hogwarts photos off the wall and before I could smash it I tripped over the leg of our coffee table and went crashing to the carpet clutching his photo in my arms. I started crying uncontrollably. Molly calmly lowered herself beside my and started rubbing my back. We stayed here for an hour.
Finally the tears dried up and my breathing slowed down. I slowly sat up still clutching the photograph of a smiling 17 year old Remus. Molly left my side for 10 minutes and came back with a cup of tea. She sat on my couch leaving the mess of feathers and glass surrounding me. Molly took a few sips of her tea before I tried mine. It warmed me and helped my dry throat that had now been raw from crying. I drank my entire cup before either one of us spoke again.
"I can't make the pain go away Tonks, If I could I would." Molly wiped her own tear.
"If he loved me, why'd he leave me?" I bit my lip to fight the tears.
"He knew you were better off Nymphadora. He wanted you to stay to take care of your son."
Molly went to the kitchen again and this time brought back a bottle of whiskey. Remus hated when I drank that stuff. He said I wasn't like me when I drank it but I so badly craved the burn. I needed it now. I wanted to feel any pain except the pain I felt in my heart. Molly unscrewed the cap and poured at least 3 ounces in my teacup. She poured herself some also. I took a huge drink of it and let it slowly ease my pain. My throat burnt with the sweet taste of fire.
"Mol..Molly, I'm..al. I'm never going to find anyone. All I wan't..is nothing more...than to see his..Remus's face at our door. If..If only I could..If i could see his face once more... I would die a happy woman, I'm sure!" I slurred my thoughts to the equally sad mother.
"I know baby." She cried next to me. "When I said my last good-bye to Fred, I died a little piece inside. I lay in bed and cry all night."
"H..He Brought..out the..the best of me. Part of...me..You'll never see. He..took my soul..he wiped it..clean. Our love was made for movie screens."
I wasn't crying anymore the tears had stopped coming. Remus left me alone. I felt so much hate for the man I loved so much.
"This pay will pass, I promise love." Molly kissed my forehead.
Molly pulled out her wand and used magic to clean my flat. She glanced back at me one more time then slowly walked out of the door. I was very thankful for the woman but I couldn't find the words to speak. I knew I could relate to Molly, she knew the pain i felt in my heart. I picked myself off the floor I had been sitting on. I put myself on autopilot and walked up the stairs to our..my bedroom. I opened the door. The covers of our bed had been pulled back on both sides as they had been when Remus and I had left the house without making the bed. I remembered the last thing he said to me. He said; 'Dora, why did you come? Teddy needs you.' I responded with. 'You need me now.' I couldn't help him. Teddy doesn't need me. I can't screw up again. I moved my hand over the blank space Remus would have been laying if he was here. I layed down into our cool bed and hugged his pillow breathing in his scent. At last I fell into a painful sleep.
Chapter 2
I woke up with a headache and a banging on my front door. I felt so small. I decided to leave it and drift back to sleep. The banging presisted. I stumbled and fell out of bed. I was wearing yesterdays clothes. I ripped them off and went through my wardrobe. I couldn't find anything. I stopped and swollowed hard. I went to the one that I loves wardrobe. I swung open the doors and pulled on his favourite shirt.
"I'm sorry I couldn't get to you Remus." I breathed him in and curled back into bed.
With a bang I was awakened when my door was blown through. I didn't even care I closed my eyes anyways. Whoever it was could take whatever they wanted. They could kill me while they were at it. Everything I touched only reminded me of how much I wanted to die. I felt so low.
"Get up." A low cold voice said to me.
"Leave me." I tried to pull my hand away.
"Nymphadora Tonks, get out of bed. You stink." I recognized this voice.
"No." I cried childlishly. The man picked me up from from the ball i was in and dropped me hard on the floor.
"What is your problem!" I screamed then looked up. "Severus Snape, have you come to finish me off?"
"Don't flatter yourself. Go wash up you filthy git." Snape pointed toward my washroom. I obeyed. I closed the door behind me and started washing my face with cold water. I brushed the whiskey from my teeth. I left my hair the way it was. There wasn't any point in trying to get a brush through the mess. I put pulled off my Remus's shirt, turned it inside out and pulled it back over my head. I then walked out of the washroom.
"Why are you here?" I asked the man who had been cleared by the ministry for playing a spy.
"Not for a pity party so don't you dare cry." Severus led me downstairs and sat across from me folding himself neatly on my couch.
"I don't want your pity anyways, you bloke." I crossed my arms tightly over my chest and plunked myself unlady like on the couch.
"Nymphadora cover yourself." Snape snapped looking awkwardly from my exposed parts under remus's shirt.
"You are in my home, Unwelcomed." I said in a cool tone.
"I came to convince you for Minerva, I don't know why she'd ever want you." Severus Snarled.
"What do you mean?" At the mention of Minerva's name my voice softened.
Severus handed me a letter. The ink on the front was no doubt Minerva McGonagalls hand. I unsealed it with shakey hands and pulled the parchment from with in the envelope. I smoothed the letter and read it carefully not to miss any details. I read it and re-read it again. Minerva had wanted me to go back to Hogwarts and teach Defence Against The Dark Arts. This position had been cursed. I would never last more than a year. For once in a long while I thought about something other than Remus.
"I understand that you can't accept the position with Teddy." Remus stood up and started walking to the door. He glanced down at me once more time before he left.
"It was nice chatting to you...Nymphadora." My blood boiled. I stood after him.
"DON'T CALL ME NYMPHADORA! You know what Severus! I will take the position! And you know what...I will break that curse!" I screamed.
"Thats was easy." Severus looked at me with a knowing look. My face softened. Lily.
I stared at the mans cold stone face and he looked back at me. We stayed like this for at least 2 minutes. I saw myself looking through his dark eyes. I knew at that moment he was reading me but I didn't even care. I have wanted to be exposed. I lost my friend.
"You never wanted Teddy." Severus said bluntly.
"He's better off with my mother. I love him, I truly do. I just can't right now. It's only a year." I was convincing myself.
"I'll past the message on to the Headmistress." Severus nodded and left.
"Glad to see you're taking jobs from owls!" I called after the man but he had already left.
I knew i needed to clear things with my mother. I walked upstairs and stripped from Remus's shirt. I climbed into the shower and washed my skin and hair until i felt clean. My mother would look after Teddy. I dried off and combed through my hair and put on little makeup. Next I walked into our room as much as I wanted to climb into another one of Remus's shirts I knew I had to prove to my mom that this decidion was right. I pulled on soft clean knickers and a bra. Found an old pair of jeans, threw them aside and pulled on a pair of comfortable grey mugggle leggings. I wore a lavender blouse on top. I couldn't do it. I walked back to Remus's Wardrobe and pulled on his leather jacket. This was something I wouldn't let go of. Once ready I calmed myself down and apparated to my mothers yard. I watched the house from the garden for a few moments before I entered the warm cozy cottage.
"Dora!" My mother ran to me and embraced me in a hug.
"Oh mama." I leaned into her like i used to when I was little. I heard crying in the next room.
"That's Teddy. i should go get him." My mom let me go.
"I will." I said trying to be brave. My mother didn't say anything.
When the tears came streaming down my face, I knew. He couldn't fix me. I leaned down and picked up the little boy whose hair had turned from red to purple. My favourite colour. I looked at him for a minute. He had his fathers face. It was all too much. I carried him into the kitchen where my mom had been waiting. The young boy reached up to me. I didn't hold him close. I gave a weak smile and handed him to my mother without looking down at the boy. As soon as I handed him over he started crying. I kept my composure. Andromeda bounced the boy a few times to calm him down. Eventually the baby went quiet.
"So i think it would be best if you looked after Ted for a while." I told her rather than asked.
"Anything Dora, how long do you need? How's the house? Are you eating?" Mom started obsessing.
"A year." I spoke smoothly.
"A year? Nymphadora what's going on?" Andromeda looked concerned.
"I accepted a post to teach at Hogwarts. I thought it would be good for me." I tried to sound calm.
"What about the Aurors? Your son?" Andromeda was now rubbing her wet eyes with her free hand.
"Don't cry mama, I'll be back soon. I will write often. i need to do this I can't stay in the house."
"It's only been 2 days since you have been out of the hospital Dora." Andromeda shook her head.
"I would like for you to watch Teddy when I'm gone." I asked again.
"You're delusional!" The black haired lady stood and bounced the crying child again.
"HE LOOKS LIKE REMUS! I CAN'T DO IT!" I broke down.
"don't you dare yell at me. Stop acting like a child Nymphadora." I cried harder.
"Mom please.." I begged feeling exhausted.
"When do you leave?" Andromeda refused to look at me. She got a bottle from the fridge and started feeding my boy.
"Tomorrow." I spoke softly.
"fine." Andromeda opened the door for me to leave. I stood in place shocked that i was being kicked out of my mother home. my childhood home.
"Mama." i sighed then kissed the ladys cheek. I then looked at the bundle in her arms and kissed Teddy's forhead.
"Goodbye Nymphadora." My mother then closed the door shutting me out. I knew i was a coward but i was sick of fighting.
_
I woke up in the late morning on my couch covered in cheese puffs. I let out a small laugh. I truly was pathetic. I closed my eyes, then blinked them open again. Hogwarts. I would need to apparate to Hogsmeade today and start my journey at Hogwarts as a teacher. I ran up the steps stumbling down them. I had never grown out of the clumsy thing. I walked back up more carefully and pulled my trunk from under my bed. I went to my closet and started to throw all my robes inside I brought some muggle clothes but left most behind. I then pulled on Remus's leather jacket, slammed the trunk closed and marched downstairs. Before I left I grabbed a small photo off of the firemantle of Remus holding Teddy after I had given birth to him. It was the first picture of father with son. I couldn't let it go. Remus smiled up at me looking the happiest I had ever seen him. "I love you boys." I pulled the photo out of the fram, kissed it than stuffed it in my pocket.
I left my home for good and apparated with my trunk to hogsmeade. I balanced myself and walked into the Hogshead bar. Took a quick swig of firewhiskey then went on my way. I hiked through the grounds, over hill and finally I felt the ward of Hogwarts. I walked up the steps of the castle and opened the giant door that lead to the entrance Hall. I took in the damage that has yet to be fixed. I breathed in the scent of magic. My soul for once felt at peace, yet I was still in peices.
"Quite a wreck isn't she?" I jumped at the voice and turned to look at Minerva. She was talking about the castle. I think.
"Hello Headmistress." I said curly. "How are you Nymphadora?" She took a few steps closer.
"Couldn't be better." I said sarcastically. She obviously knew by the looks he gave me.
"Your quarters are on the 2nd floor across from the defense class. You should get yourself unpacked. We have a staff meeting in 45 minutes. Supper will follow. I expect you there." Minerva straightened her back and walked away.
I dragged my case up the castle stairs bumping it up every step, refusing to use magic. I walked down the quiet hall listening to the heel of my boots click with every step. The paintings on the wall judged me as I passed by. I glared back. Finally at the end of the hall I swung open a large wooden door that revealed my quarters. It was bleak and plain the way I liked it. The walls were stone and the floors were plain dark brown wood. A fire place sat in the middle of the wall. It was made of black stone, unlike the wall which were light grey. In front of the fire was a simple beige sofa with small black roses patterned into it. The kitchenette was simple and made out of white applicances and black cabinets. Through a door layed a simple queen sized bed with bleak white bedding on it. Other than a small table in the corner that was all the furniture the living quarters had. Most professors brought a bit of furniture from home to personalize their quaters. I didn't wan't to, what it had was perfect. i didn't need much. I tossed my tunk on the floor and went through a door that had a small bathroom, it was also simple. I looked into the old mirror and hoped to hell it didn't talk back to me. It didn't. I threw water on my face and let it drip down my chin and neck. I then grabbed the first robe i could find in my trunk and pulled it over my clothes. It was a deep blue. I had been given it by my father for my 20th birthday. I did a quick look-over of myself one last time before heading down to the teacher lounge. I walked into the lounge and took the first available chair and sat still looking at a point on the table knowing that every person in that room had their eyes on me.
"Alright, i think we are all here. Lets get started." Minerva started breaking the awkward silences.
"We are welcoming student into the school tomorrow for the first time since the war. This will be a difficult transition for both students and staff. We are all in mourning of our loved ones but we must carry on, for the sake of this school and teaching the children who have the right to be educated about their magical abilitys. Voldemort had greatly hurt us but we will not let ourselves be impacted by him." minerva directed her gaze my way.
"As we have lost many staff as well we have welcomed a few new members to our board. Neville Longbottom is welcoming us as our new Herbology professor, Nymphadora Tonks will welcome us as a defense against the dark arts professor. Lastly lets welcome Magda Levinoor as our astronomy professor."
Everyone sat in this room for an hour discussing the upcoming school year. After we were finished we moved to the dining hall and ate supper. I didn't feel like eating but i poked my fork into my sausage anyways. Beside me I felt the intense presence of the horrible Professor Snape. He chewed gracefully and sat up straight where as I slouched over my food and hardly touched my plate. I kept my chin down but lifted my blue eyes to look at the man next to me. His face was stone, i couldn't read his feelings if i tried. He felt my gaze and looked over at me. i quickly looked away and stuffed some of the sausage into my mouth.
"Don't be strange professor, that job has been given to professor Trelawny." Severus snarled. I glanced over the table at the puffy haired Witch with coke bottle glasses.
I rolled my eyes and continued my gaze at all the other professors, although things were tense everyone continued to talk freely amoungst themselves. Severus I noticed did not try to involve himself in conversation and only invited it when it was about potions. I knew I could easily tick the professor off if i pleased. I always had when I was his student and even more in the order flirting with Remus...Remus. I gulped hard and i could feel tears spring to the back of my eyes. I needed a distraction. It would be extremely uncomfortable for me to cry in front of my co-workers. Think happy Tonks, Think happy. I could not.
"Nymphadora, have you talked to Harry recently?" Professor Flitwhick broke my thoughs. I owed him one.
"Uhh..no I haven't." I answered honestly.
"I heard he was offered a job with the aurors."Flitwhick continued the small talk.
"I..I didn't know. That's wonderful." I tried to seem happy for the boy. Snape immediately leaned into me.
"You don't need to be an acclumence to know you aren't genuine." Snape whispered. I turned to face him.
"Nobody asked you. Of course i'm happy for Harry." I turned my head away from the man and crossed my arms.
"You are so egocentric you are incapable of believing others feel too." He growled at me. I have had enough. I stood up and faced the man.
"All you have ever been to me is rude Severus, you call me names and take peddy little jabs at me. The truth is that you are inccapable to feel anything but resent for anyone. I will not tolerate it anymore. I know you never liked my husband but I am my own person. I have never done a thing to you." I yelled at the shocked man in front of his co-workers. Everyone's mouths gaped open.
"Touchy aint she." Jeeves poked his head through the stone wall. I couldn't control the tears from falling from my eyes. I turned and stomped out of the dining hall. I didn't go back to my quarters instead I walked straight into the enterance hall and out of the castle. I was on a rampage, I stomped past the womping willow and Hagrids hut to the shore of the black lake. I slumped down onto my bottom, pulled off my boots and socks and stuck my feet into the ice cold water. I picked up stone after stone and chucked them into the lake creating small splashes that rippled outwards over the still water. I took a deep breath and felt my body shaking under me. I hated this. I was done with these emotions, i wasn't even myself anymore. I lost my ability to change and my ability to be silly and make light of any situation. Those were the reasons Remus loved me to begin with. The rain started falling down at that moment hard and fast. My brown hair stuck to the side of my baby face. Just when I was about to retire from looking for answers before this big black lake I felt a warm breath of hair on the back of my neck. I turned to look into the eyes of a beautiful, yet morbid creature. A threshal. The skeletal horse type creature tooked into my eyes with a knowing look. There was something so peaceful about the creature. I stood so I was eye level with the magical creature and ran my cold wet hand over the animals silky neck.
"You must meet the most miserable people." I spoke softly to the animal.
"Beautiful aren't they." I whipped around to face the bloke who followed me.
"What do you want?" I stood defensively infront of the threshal who breathed rythmically puffs of air onto my shoulder.
"I want to apologize for my behaviour toward you." Severus Snape picked up a rock and threw it into the lake.
"No" I frowned at the man.
"I should have never treated you bad Nymphadora. You just reminded me of someone..In there darkest moment." I sat where I had been sitting at the shore of the lake.
"Who?" I asked. It was my darkest time.
"Myself." He said looking into my eyes with his big black ones. I went forward and sat next to him.
"Lily?" I asked already knowing. He didn't respond. We sat there in a comfotable silence.
It had been hours of just sitting next to eachother deep in thought. I didn't know what to say and neither did he. We just sat in the pouring rain soaking to the core. Neither of us cared, I could have stayed here for days if it would be deemed appropriate. Severus finally took his gaze from the Black lake and turned to look at me. I didn't return his eye contact. I wanted my thoughts to be left alone for now.
"What's happening with your boy?" Severus said as gently as possible.
"I left him with my mum." I looked anywhere but at the black haired man.
"Its called postpartum depression." He said with a shiver in his voice. I felt numb.
"I know what it's called. My son is better off with someone who can take care of him." I made designes in the dirt next to me with my finger.
"You're right." Severus said standing and starting to leave.
"Excuse me?" I flashed with anger.
"You said it not me, i just agreed." Severus gave me a snarky smile.
"You are such a git, you know." I said feeling blaring anger.
"Your hair agrees." He said winking and walking away. My hair? I walked to the black lake and looked at my reflection. My hair had gone a vibrant red. This had been the first time my hair had changed colours since Remus died. _
I woke up the next morning bright and early as I had to prepare for the students. I showered and put on a deep red robe. I pulled my brown hair back into a fench braid and tied the end neatly with a white ribbon. I pulled on my heeled lace up boots and took one last look in the mirror. I hadn't looked this good since before Teddy was born. I then walked from my quarters to the defence room across the hall. I pulled out my wand and gave a precise flick of my wrist and the tables and chairs were pushed against the wall leaving the center of the class empty incase we needed to learn foot work. I then waved my wand and said "accio chalkboard." The chalkboard slid across the floor and i began to copy down my first lesson. I walked over to my desk and opened a huge textbook open to the first chapter. For once in a long time i was feeling confident in myself and my mood. I concentrated hard and changed my hair to a light purple to contrast with my robe. It was show time. I walked with my head held high into the great dining hall that was starting to fill with students. I sat carefully between professor Snape and Professor Flitwhick. I didn't look at either of them but remained sitting with a straight back and my hands folded respectably on my lap. I looked like a lady.
"Welcome students. I would like to start right away with the sorting ceremony. Please Welcome our first years." Minerva spoke in her thick Scottish dialect. Everyone clapped.
The children were sorted into there houses and professor Mcgonagall made some big, dramatic speech about how the light had won and Hogwarts stayed true and stong. The speech seemed to last forever and everyone except me seemed to be very touched by it. I was just waiting impatiently to eat. I glanced over at the Griffondore table and Ginny Weasley was looking at me with every ounce of dissapointment she had. I began to glare but felt too much like Severus so instead I gave her a weak smile and looked somewhere elce. I then came across a little boy at the hufflepuff table who was so interested in Minerva's speech that his mouth was fully gaping open. I snorted. Quickly I looked around and apparently i wasn't quiet judging by how many people were looking my way. I couldn't help it I just started laughing. Once I started I couldn't stop, Minerva couldn't help it either. She also broke out into a teary eyed laugh, Then so did Hagrid and Flitwhick. Finally all the students were laughing and the entire school was in hysterics. Except for Severus of course. Minerva finally got her composure back at finished speaking.
"As Professor Dumbledore used to say..'Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.' Enjoy the feast." Minerva smiled at the students then at me. I gave her a genuine smile back and suddenly felt very hungry.
I looked next to me and for the first time ever i could see what could be passed as a smile on Severus's lips. If not his lips his eyes were sparkling with joy. I ate my food so quickly its a surprise I didn't vomit all down my robe. I drank down my pumpkin juice and held up my goblet to cheers my co-workers. This is why I came. Magic is a wonderful thing. Desert was served and I had a small serving of pudding. Once my clothes began to feel tight I decided it was time to retire for the night. I stood up and began walking to the door when someone grabbed my hand. It was Minerva. She had tears in her eyes but a huge smile on her face.
"Welcome back Tonks." She gave my hand a squeeze then went to talk to a Ravenclaw prefect. I was where I belonged. For now.
_
Chapter 3
I ran as fast as I could to him. He was just right across the Enterance hall. I was almost to him, I reached out my hand and when he saw mw coming he held out his. Thats when it struck him Dolohov had sent a killing curse straight at his heart. Our fingertips were inches from eachother when we both fell. Nothing has ever hurt this bad. I was breaking into thousands of little peices. I let out a scream that could shatter windows.
"Alohomora" I woke up screaming with sweat covering my entire body. Someone had broke into my quarters.
Breathing wasn't easy. I clutched my head in my hands curled in a ball as I just continued to scream, I couldn't get the image out of my mind. My heart was breaking with the same impact all over again. Suddenly I was being swept into strong arms and held close. With the feeling of protection I stopped screaming but I still couldn't calm down. My heart beat so fast and I couldn't steady my breath. I thought I might drown in my tears. A hand swept over my forehead and through my hair in relaxing strokes. After a few moments I started to calm down enough to open my eyes. I was being held by none other than Severus Snape.
"B..bad..Dream." I huffed out.
"I know." He said still brushing back my hair. Finally my breathing steadied completely and he let go of me.
"I'm sorry." I said, my cheeks reddening.
"It's going to be okay." He said. I looked up into his deep black eyes. Was Severus Snape consoling me?
The dark haired man offered me his hand so I could stand. I did so and felt wobbly on my feet. I didn't let go until I felt completely secure. Before my brain knew what it had been doing I slumped myself into the mans embrace and cried softly. He didn't back away. He rubbed my back soothingly and rested his chin on my head. I never wished to become this weak, this dependant. It wasn't like me. Love did some terrible things. Snape led me to my sofa without letting go and sat down placing me carefully next to him. My head rested heavily against his side. His arm was around me still rubbing circles into my back. It was still very early, judging by the darkness in the sky for September it had only been around 4 am. I never knew this grumpy older man could be so affectionate.
"When I went to save Lily I had just gotten there as Voldemort cast the curse. I saw her fall into a heap in front of her baby boy. I didn't think I would survive. The pain i had felt in my heart was too much. I was in love with Lily, she was the queen of my world. She was everything I wanted to be and by far the most beautiful woman I have had the pleasure of knowing. It wasn't skin deep either. She oozed love and compassion from her pores. She was definetly brave like a Griffindore but she would have also made a womderful Hufflepuff." Severus spoke soothingly about the woman he had lost.
"How did you get over it?" I sniffled.
"I don't think one simply 'Gets over it.' We learn to cope. I was a mess for months and made plenty of terrible decisions along the way. Once I did smarten up I used that passion and hurt i felt and put it into arts. I made the most fantastic and complex potions using that passion. That is why I am the potions master. I thank Lily. She gave me the love and longing I needed to express myself in such an fascinating way. You will get over your sadness Dora. You will never forget the man you loved but the hurt will lessen more and more each day, each year. I promise you will carry on." Severus was being so unusually open.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" I asked confused.
"Because I can relate." That was enough for me I closed my eyes and slowly drifted asleep. Before I was gone Snape spoke again.
"Trust me Dora." I almost do.
_
I woke up with the sun. I was alone laying on my couch. I took a deep breath and stood up. I took a quick shower and got ready for my day of work wearing a traditional black teaching robe. I patted some makeup under my eyes to make sure my dark circles weren't too visible. Once ready I headed down to breakfast. I greeted my co-workers with a smile and nod. I sat in my usual seat next to Severus, although he had yet to come to breakfast. A few minutes later the tall dark haired man walked into the dining hall leading his house to there table. I had forgotten that Snape had been the head of Slytherin. He spoke to his house quickly then moved towards the teaching table.
"Good morning Professor Snape." Minerva greeted the man from the center of the table.
"As to you headmistress." Snape sat next to me. I didn't know ho to act around Severus.
"Good morning Professor Snape." I said testing the waters.
"Like wise Professor Tonks." I understood now that we were back to being professional. I was almost dissapointed.
I ate my breakfast slowly and silently not engaging in much conversation. I found more enjoyment watching the students below me. They all seemed so enthusiastic about the first day of classes. This 5th year in Ravenclaw was already halfway through his history textbook. A slytherin first year was comparing her schedule with a hufflepuff girl with long blonde braids. The Slytherin girl jumped up and down when she counted 3 different classes with her friend. Everyone seemed to be filled with such joy not even paying attention to the fact that the castle still showed wear and tear from the Hogwarts battle. Classes were to start in half an hour so I finished up my eggs and headed towards the staircase. I would be going back up to the second floor to teach. On the way I helped a few first years find there classes and I also chatted with a photograph on the wall of a Prince Of Spain who nobody knew was magic. I then found my class and sat quietly waiting for my 3rd years. They would be learning about boggarts. i had a whole lecture planned and a fun activity involving a real boggart. Students started shuffling into the class and took there seats. I was teaching Griffindores and Ravenclaws this perios, next was the SLytherins and Hufflepuffs. Once all the students found seats I began.
"Hello class, my name is Professor Tonks. I am your Defense against the Dark arts teacher. I have had plenty of experience using defense, I was an auror as well as a vital member in the Order of the Pheonix. I am very pleased to be part of Hogwarts staff and I truly hope you can all walk away from my class with Valuable information." I took a look at my students. The Ravenclaws wearimg bronze and blue ties looked very interested while the Griffondors would whisper between themselves.
"So as 2nd year students you did a lot of theory and notes. This year will be very hands on. I want you all to experience real experiences that you may come across as witches and wizards, some you may never come across but it is my job to prepare you if they did. It is extremely important that throughout the year you listen carefully and follow direction. I can't express to you enough how dangerous magic can be if miss-used. Homework is to be handed in at the beginning of every class and I am available most evenings if help is required. Lets begin. Boggarts are an amortal shape-shifting non-being that takes on the form of the viewer's worst fear. When facing a boggart, it is best to have someone else along, to try to confuse it, since facing more than one person at once would make it indecisive as to what form it must take, usually a mixed-up amalgam of the victims' fears. Everyone copy this down. Once done line up in the center of the class." I went to the back of the class where I had a boggart storing in a chest. I used my wand to float the chest closer to where student were starting to line up.
"The charm that combats a boggart is 'Riddikulus'. The charm requires a strong mind and good concentration. The incantation and wand movement alone will not affect a correct way to perform the charm is to push past the fear, and concentrate on something that will make the boggart look amusing. The charm does not, in fact, repel a boggart; it just forces it to assume a shape that the caster will find comical, inspiring laughter, which will defeat a boggar. it's mind over matter people! Who would like to try first?" I felt so confident in my lesson.
"I would Professor Tonks." A Griffindore with freckles and sandy blonde hair stepped forward.
"Thank-you . Step forward with your wand ready." The boy did as told, I pointed my wand at the chest and the lid lifted revealing the boggart.
The boys boggart took the form of a giant snake. He thought hard and said the charm pointing his wand at the slithering creature. The snake suddenly had no teeth and had tape all over its body. It tried to move but just got stuck. The boy giggled and moved back to his seat. The Boggart then changed into a dragon for this Ravenclaw girl Jolene. she also did well with the incantation and the Dragon turned into a plush toy. The rest of the student had a go at the boggart and I had been very impressed at how well they got over their fears. There were 3 Ravenclaw girls left. The girl stepped forward and The boggart changed into a warewolf. i gulped hard. The girl struggled and could not focus enough to change the boggart. The warewolf came closer and growled viciously at her. The girl started to panick so I decided to step in. I went right in front of her and The boggart changed from the Warewolf to Remus dead. I didn't know how to make this funny. I tried to rack my brain while my heart froze inside my chest. I couldn't screw this up. I pointed my wand at my husband and yelled Riddikulus. Remus then changed into a puppet. I imagined his death just being a puppet show that wasn't real. I gave a relieved laugh and the Boggart vanished.
"I'm so sorry Professor." The little girl said still in tears behind me.
"Its okay honey, not everyone can get it the first time." I patted the girls back. "Class dismissed, write 4 inches on the process of getting rid of a Boggart." I took a deep breath and collapsed heavey into my chair. I would have to get used to everything reminding me of Remus. I pulled out a quill and parchement and wrote a not to my mother.
Dear Mother,
I understand you most likely don't wish to hear from me right now but I assure you I have made the right decision. I needed to be around something that felt familiar for me that isn't half Remus; Our boy and our home. I wish to send you money every week so you can pay for Teddy's things. I know you probably wont believe me when I say this but I love both you and Teddy to the moon and back. Please keep me updated as much as possible. I'm sorry to put you in such a terrible spot but I know if anyone understands it will be you. Thank you mum!
Yours Truly, Tonks (No I will not be called Nymphadora!)
I sealed the letter and placed it on my desk to mail later. I hadn't sent my mum an owl yet and I had been with my head so deep in the sand I forgot how worried she must have been. I had been staring at the wall in front of me, same old empty feeling in my heart. I needed to pick myself up. Someday I would see Teddy and not think of how much I had lost. My next class would be starting in 15 minutes. I closed my eyes momentarily. What happened to the hot-headed, spirited child I had once been. I wish I was a kid again, this was not much of a life I would have to live without love.
The rest of the day had gone by with ease. I started getting comfortable in my position and all my students have appreciated my hands-on method to teaching. I twirled my pasta around on my fork at supper and rested my head on my hand as I was deep in thought. I felt quite exhausted. I set myself on autopilot and finished eating, had a meaningless conversation with Professor Flitwhick and Professor Binns then sent myself to my quarters. I stripped out of my robes and threw on an oversized tshirt and climbed into bed. Instantly I felt a desperate feeling climb up my throat. I didn't want to be alone. My robe back over my tshirt and left my quarters. I walked swiftly to the dungeons. A few students still lingered in the halls. I hadn't thought this plan through very well I hadn't actually found out where Snapes Quarters were. i just knew they were in the dungeons. Suddenly a voice boomed from behind me.
" , and . Get to your dorms. Now." Severus snarled at the 6th year Slytherins.
"Yes sir." They replied and shuffled away into the Slytherin Common room.
"Professor Tonks, may I ask what you are doing down here?" Severus held an uneasy gaze.
"I was looking for you." I said in a sleepy voice.
"Why?" He snarled down at me.
"I..I..uh" I felt my cheeks redden.
"Spit it out Dora." With the nickname i relaxed a bit.
"I don't want to be alone." I searched his eyes.
Severus didn't say a word he unlcoked the door to his Quarters and let me inside. His flat was not what I was expecting. It was neat and tidy and quite personalized. Instead of furnishing with dark cool colours he had lots of warm browns with a bit of green additions. It looked lived in and cozy. He brought me to his bedroom. It had a large bed with comfy looking pillows and a downy quilt. The colours matched everything so nicely.
"You can sleep on the right side. i take the left. Do not snore, do not hog the covers and do not touch me." Severus said in a stern voice.
"Yes sir." I said sarcastically. I pulled my cloak over my head and slipped into the bed. He went into his washroom and came out moments later wearing a sleeping robe. He slipped into bed on the opposite side. We both stared at the ceiling in the dark listening to eachother breath. I rolled onto my side so I was facing him. I didn't want the dreams to come back. The night made me feel vulnerable. I scooted closer to him and rested my body against his.
"What did I say about touching me? You are like a child sometimes, never following the -" He growled in a sleepy voice.
"Shut up." I said in an equally scary voice cutting him off. I could see the edges of his lips curl upwards as I slipped into a deep, dream free slumber.
Chapter 4
Over the course of 4 weeks things started to get better. I would cry less and smile more. I put all my energy into teaching and it paid off. Students loved my class and they had all been doing really well on assignments. Although I would wear a brave face during the day the nights were different. I had yet to spend a night in my own quarters. It was now just something we did. I would go to my quarters, relax a bit, grade papaers than when it was time to sleep I would go down to the dungeons and curl up next to the grumpy potions professor. There was something about the uncertainty of dreams that had me frightened. When I did have the Remus dreams and started to panick Severus was instantly there to hold me. We had a very unique relationship. During school hours we would be polite but professional. Nothing more. It wasn't until after curfew that our friendship would bloom. Sometimes when he or I had something on our minds we would lay for hours and just chat. He was something I had never realised before, a very complex human being with feelings and fears just like the rest of us. The other staff were un-aware of our friendship because we kept it so well hidden. It has been 7 am and we were just starting to awaken. It had been getting colder and the rain was pounding soothingly on the castle. Snape was trying to get up but what I hadn't realised was that I was not beside him but completely on top of him. I rolled myself off of him and blushed deeply my hair changing to a buublegum pink.
"Sorry Sev." I stretched out beside him. He just looked at me out of the corner of his eye and moved to his bathroom and frshed himself up while I remained in bed. It had been saturday so i didn't see any reason for needing to get up so early. I took advantage of the opportunity and sprawled out my arms and legs taking up the entire area of the bed. Snape walked back through the door now wearing a usual black robe and gave a little smirk.
"I don't think so." He said rushing to the side of the bed and tickled my rib. I let out a loud laugh.
"Sorry Severus, but you made the decision to get up." I smiled brightly up at the man who was now trying to move my arms and legs. I wasn't giving up.
"My Quarters, my rules." He winked and persisted to tickle me. I decided to get him back. I tickled him and suddenly he came crashing right on top of me in fits of laughter. We both laughed until we were in tears. He then propped himself up on his elbow with me still tucked beneath him. That's when it happened. He brushed my hair away from my face and kissed me. I didn't hate it. Instantly he realized he had done something wrong and carefully picked himself off of me and truned towards the door without saying a word.
I wasn't entirely shocked. I knew I had to tell him it was okay and that we had just gotten carried away. I jumped out of bed and floo'd to my own living quarters through his fire place. Once there I freshened up and pulled on a pair of muggle jeans and a maroon jumper. I then grabbed a black water-proof cloak and headed down to the quittich pitch where I knew the Slytherins were playing Griffindor. Severus would surly be there. I walked down the muddy grounds with my rainboot now slick with mud. The stands were filled with excited students. I started shuffling through the sands looking for the only person who would be wearing all black. It didn't take me long to find Severus. He was sitting next to a 7th year Slytherin boy who was chatting to his head of house who looked less than enthusiastic. He caught my eye contact as I shuffled through to get to him.
" , may I?" I asked the boy blushing up at me.
"Yeah Professor, certainly." The boy shuffled over allowing me to sit between the boy and Snape.
"That's a lovely cloak Professor." The boy thought that because he was only 10 years younger that he could flirt.
"Thank-you ." I turned to Snape and he was looking nervously in my direction. I smirked at him.
"Professor Tonk, would you join me for tea at 2pm? There is an issue I wish to discuss." I looked up at him.
"Yeah, sure...Professor." I responded before Hansel Sullivan stole my attention again.
"Professor, your class is really interesting. I think you are by far the best Defence Teacher we have had." The boy smiled up.
"That's very nice of you ." I smiled gently at the boy sucking up.
"You're even better than Professor Lupin, he was quite good but he was lying to the minstry about being a warewolf, can you belive that. He could have killed us all." The boy went on. I swollowed hard.
"Remus wasn't dangerous , you should trust that the Headmaster knew what he was doing. I brewed him the wolfsbane myself." Severus defended Remus. I looked up at him greatfully.
"Wow thats really cool of you Professor."The boy smiled up at Severus.
"I trust that you will not spead such rumors without knowing fact. Thats a very Griffindor thing to do." Severus scolded the boy.
"Yes sir...Professor Tonks are you alright." The boy looked at me. My face was stone and my hair had turned the deepest shade of blue.
"Excuse me gentlemen. I believe I just need to...see Madam Pomfrey. My stomache feels off." I had been doing so well. I was pretty mad at myself for letting a 17 year old boy remind me of my loss. I stood up and headed to the castle.
I was walking along the sloppy ground when I heard footsteps behind me, i turned to look into Severus' black eyes. "Should we start our tea early?" He said, putting a water repelling shield around us.
"Okay." I agreed and followed the man into the castle and down to the dungeons. We immediately went to his quarters and he started preparing the tea. While it was steaping he sat close to me on the couch.
"Sorry about , He spoke out of terms." Severus begun.
"It's alright he never knew." I smiled gently.
"I'm sorry for kissing you." He looked deep into my eyes.
"Why?" I asked.
"because I stepped out of line." He said.
"Its okay. It didn't bother me." I spoke truthfully.
"I don't think you should sleep in my Quarters anymore." He stood to get our tea. He came back and placed a cup in my hands. I took a sip.
"Why not?" I whispered calmly to my friend.
"Becuase you can't become dependent on me." He put his tea down.
"The night are really tough right now, you know that. But if that is what you want. I never realised I was much of a bother." I became quite sad.
"You don't get it." He said standing up and clearing his cup.
"What's not to get? I think the message has come across quite clearly." I put my tea down and followed him into the kitchen.
"Nymphadora, I have feelings for you." He yelled at me. It took me by surprise and tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't know.
"Oh." Is all that came out.
"Maybe you should go." He whispered. "I think we should remain professional."
I gulped back the tears, lifted my chin and walked out of his Quarters. Severus was the only friend I had. I didn't want to lose him but I also didn't want to lead him on. I had no idea what I wanted right now but it sure as hell wasn't to be alone. I stomped halfway up to the second floor than made my decision. I turned around and stomped all the way back to the dungeons. I banged my fist hard against the large wooden door, when he didn't open it i grabbed my wand and blasted the door open. Severus was sitting at his kitchen table with his head in his hands. He quickly looked up with a worried expression. I walked straight up to him pulled him up by the collar and kissed him feverishly. He kissed me back with passion and we stayed like this for a while. I stepped backwards and gasped for air. He looked at me with a shocked, surprised smirk.
"Woman you are batshit crazy." He said holding me in his arms.
"I'm a mess right now, but i'm ready to surrender. I wan't my life back." He pushed me to arms legnth.
"I don't want to come second again. I was with Lily, I don't want to fall in love with you unless I know I can be with you." He searched my eyes.
"I don't know if I can be what you're looking for and I'm not ready to rush into a relationship but I don't want to lose your friendship." I huffed.
"I promise you Severus, you have nothing to compete with. I will always love Remus but I can't make him come back." I had said it. I made it official. I had to move on from Remus.
"Where do we start?" He asked.
"Severus Tobias Snape, would you be my best friend?" I asked the man, he smiled "Yes, I would." He said. I hugged him close.
That night Severus and I had decided to celebrate our official friendship. We cracked open a bottle of firewhiskey and decided to play a card game. That got boring after a short time and we were starting to feel pretty intoxicated. I suggested we play this game called 'finish my sentence' it was an Legilimency game where one person would start a sentence and the person would search their mind for the rest of the sentence. It was a rule that you could only search for the rest of the sentence and had to leave everything else alone. We didn't care for the rules much. We knew mostly everything about eachother anyways.
"I'll go first." I said in a drunken stuper.
"Okay, I'm ready." Severus said.
"It's better to feel pain.." I said smiling and letting Severus search my mind.
"Than nothing at all?" He said pushing his hair back.
"Thats right!" I cheered excitedly, "You go."
"Ashwinder egg, Squill bulb, Murtlap tentacle, Tincture of thyme, Occamy eggshell,Powdered common rue" Severus listed.
"Those are the ingredience for Felix Felicis." I said grumpily.
"Yeah you guessed correct." Severus smirked and sqeezed my shoulder.
"Not the point of the game Sev! Try again and stop listing potions." I smirked that the potions master.
"Hmm...The day I moved on from Lily.." He said staring into my bright blue orbs.
"Is it okay if I...?" I asked his permission to look at the memory. I wasn't as good at Legilimency or Occlumency as Severus but I knew he was completely opening his mind for me to search.
"Take a go." He smirked and let me search.
I had been searching his mind through his deep black eyes when I came across what I was looking for. He revealed it for me to look at. I watched closely to his memories. I had been shocked at what I saw. Severus was at Lucious Malfoy's Christmas ball. He was making small talk with other people. Lucious held this ball to try and clear his name after the first wizarding war. Narcissa had come over to Severus and introduced him to her sister, my mother Andromeda. She polietly said hello than started going on about not being abe to find her daughter. He was bored of the party so he offered this kind woman help. He was expecting to find a girl no older than 4 years of age but what he came across was much better. He walked outside on the cobblestone path and found this beautiful tall girl with long lavender hair sitting on the edge of the Malfoy fountain. She was wearing a simple but beautiful long navy skilk dress. It was fitted and hugged her body into a sexy silloutte. She didn't look a day over 16. After trying to rack his brain on how he recognized the young lady he knew it was his 6th year Hufflepuff student Nymphadora. He approached her and she said, "Wotcher Professor, will you help a girl out and light my fag?" He watched as the girl stood up and tripped over the hem of her dress falling right into the fountain. Her dress was soaked and her long hair was now changing from lavender to black. Severus laughed a true laugh from deep in his belly and helped the girl, me, out of the fountain. After scourgifying the water from the girls hair and dress the only thing that angered Nymphadora was the fact that her fag was now wet and unable to be smoked. I led the girl back into the ball and found her mother. She shook her head and said, "Stop hiding behind that baby face Nymphadora and join the party, I'm sure someone will want to dance with you." The young girl snarled and plunked herself next to the food table. She was a soft speak with a mean streak. Severus didn't feel appropriate thinking this way about a young girl but he knew right then and there that if he ever met someone like her to spend the rest of his life with, it would all be okay. All that she was was all that he ever needed.
I left his memory and sat in front of him gawking. "That was me.."
"Yes it was, you helped me realise I could desire other people." He ran his hand over my cheek.
"That was so long ago." I whispered into him.
"Nymphadora, I have fancied you a long time. I just coudn't act on it because you were either too young or with Remus. My heart breaks for you but to be completely selfish, you kissing me today was what I have craved for years. I have yet to find another woman with your spirit. To be completely honest, I'm scared Dora." He held my hand.
"What do you fear?" I asked.
"I fear falling in love with you. I would die If i lost another lover." He was being completely honest with me.
"Friends can kiss right?" I asked. Severus leaned in and layed his lips gently apon mine. I felt a current of electricity run through my body at his touch. For once in a really long time I stopped thinking about Remus. Did I feel guilty? Yes. Did it make me want to stop? No. I kissed Severus until we both felt exhausted. I fell asleep on the couch and like a true gentleman he never pushed further than that. Severus picked me up gently and carried me to bed. He tucked me in with care, kissed my forehead and went to sleep next to me. I have never felt so comfotable in my life.