What better way to cope with rejection than speaking with someone who had probably never experienced it?
Sakura, twenty years old and supposedly wiser than she had been at twelve, knew she was being irrational when she chose to speak to Kakashi. And in truth, she did not have to speak to him about her current troubles. She could have consulted any number of her female comrades, as was the norm, or she could have even spoken to Naruto. Granted, Naruto would most likely be less interested in her problems and more interested in the result of them, but the point was that there was no logical reason for her to bother Kakashi at such an inconsiderate hour of the night when there were others she would do better to have a conversation with about this matter. Yet even as these thoughts swarmed into her mind, she was knocking on the door to Kakashi's apartment.
Come on, open up! she thought harshly. I know you're in there!
After the twentieth frantic knock, Kakashi at last obliged her demand for attention. He seemed to know it was her even before he opened the door, considering the expression on his face.
"Do you have anything to drink?" Sakura responded, bypassing a greeting.
She was past being polite for the time being. Being polite in all the wrong places had earned her nothing over the years and tonight she was paying for it. The only thing she wanted now was the sweet release of alcohol, the temporary memory loss that came with intoxication, and the reassurance that, at least for tonight, she wouldn't be on the edge of a needle with her emotions.
To his credit, Kakashi took a moment to study her face before he hastened to repay rudeness with the same. He saw from her eyes alone that she was tired, distraught, and completely sober. Unfortunately, although he would have liked to have turned her away, it was against his nature to utterly disregard someone in a state of distress, especially if said person was a former student of his.
"I might have something," he admitted reluctantly.
Little did he know, at this early stage, how much pity he would be taking on her prior to the night's conclusion.
"Take it easy, Sakura..."
Kakashi watched, somewhat worried, as Sakura pressed the bottle to her mouth and tilted her head back, pouring a torrent of alcohol down her throat without pause. She was quickly moving from one offense to the other: First she showed up uninvited at Kakashi's home, then she spoke to him rudely, and now she was threatening to imbibe every drop of liquor in his abode. Regardless of her distressed state, Kakashi was sincerely contemplating expelling her from his apartment.
"Hey Kakashi, do you know what guys do when you forgive them for everything they've done and treat them like kings?" Sakura queried bitterly. "They turn on you!"
Kakashi cringed, knowing at once the cause of her unhappiness. Yet again, he was seeing her life and feelings torn apart by Sasuke. He was beginning to wish that Team 7 had been composed of Sakura, Naruto, and any other male other than the one a young Sakura Haruno had longed to connect her heart to. There would have been less drama for him to sort out, less tears for the kunoichi of the team to shed, and less grievance on his part for all the things that were out of his control.
"I'm done!" Sakura continued histrionically. "I'm fucking done! No more goddamn men for the rest of my life! All of those worthless sacks of crap who want to date me can go fall off the nearest cliff!"
Specific aspects of Sakura's dramatic speech were prominent to Kakashi. Firstly, he thought swearing off men entirely was a bit of an overreaction. While Sasuke had certainly earned this punishment, he was only one male among millions. Kakashi was actually rather insulted at being indirectly slotted into the same group as someone who had crushed Sakura's heart. He pointed out to the dour woman that she was being far too hasty.
Sakura took another heroic swig of liquor and laughed at Kakashi's reply. She didn't think this man at all comprehended what she had been through for all those painful years. She could not blame him for his ignorance, for she had never confided anything in him. In fact, she had never disclosed the full intricacy of her feelings for Sasuke to anyone. She alone was aware of how startlingly deep her love for the raven-haired man went and the astonishing height she fell from when he rejected her one final time. A height that would have easily left almost any other person crippled for eternity.
"You don't get it," she uttered, shaking her head. "Have you ever been so in love with someone that it literally hurt when they rejected you?"
Unfortunately, Kakashi admitted that he couldn't relate to this feeling. He had experienced things similar to it in his youth and his adult life, but he could not directly associate himself with that particular type of love. He knew it existed and he had seen what it could do to people. He was seeing what it could do to people at that exact moment in time. As he gazed at her, sympathetic despite not being able to relate to her plight, he thought of the second detail of her speech he thought looming, although he was wise enough not to mention it out loud: Sakura's insinuation that a great deal of men desired her. He personally thought she was at least decently attractive, but he doubted that a whole host of males longed for her. He secretly thought that a lot of men in the village were terrified of her due to her aggression and public displays of rage towards Naruto. Only a man who was intimately acquainted with her gentler side would find her alluring.
Sakura downed the remainder of the bottle's contents in one impressive gulp. She leaned back on the couch and belched lightly, her cheeks having already begun to develop a reddish tinge. Muttering an apology, she closed her eyes and began to scan the room for additional booze. Perhaps it was her pose or the blush that was creeping across her face, but it crossed Kakashi's mind how foolish the men of the village were if he was correct in his assumptions. Sakura was a great woman when one got to know her and a lot prettier than she thought herself to be. In this light she was practically sexy.
"I saved my virginity for that asshole," Sakura revealed, grimacing. "I almost wish I'd given it away to the first guy who asked."
Kakashi sat down beside Sakura on the couch. He wanted to put his arm around her and allow her to lean on his shoulder, but he wasn't sure they were close enough for such a bold move. He was never certain exactly what type of figure he was in Sakura's life. He surmised that he was her friend, yet he sometimes felt as if she saw him more along the lines of an observer and occasional player in her various tragedies.
"You might have regretted it if you gave it away to some random person," Kakashi pointed out helpfully. "Sex is a beautiful, special thing between people."
Sakura chuckled, amused by Kakashi's ignorance. When she was young and naïve, she had believed that her sensei was a man of endless mental perception. Only through experience was she thrust back into reality. She quickly learned that he was not flawless by any means. His idiosyncrasies were numerous, as were her own.
"Beautiful?" she echoed. "I'm a virgin and even I know sex isn't beautiful.It's hot, sweaty, and not too glamorous. Kakashi, when was the last time you got laid?"
Kakashi rolled the query over in his brain for a minute. No one had ever asked him such a question.
"Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever gotten laid."
Sakura stared at him, her mind sharply focusing on what he had said for the first time. Naturally, she had never had cause to wonder about Kakashi's sex life. She wasn't the type of woman to pry into what he did in his bedroom. Still, she was rather surprised to realize that the man before her, the man who read dirty books and whom she often called a "pervert", was apparently a virgin.
"I wouldn't have guessed that in a million years," Sakura admitted truthfully. "I'm curious, though. Why are you a virgin? Remaining celibate until you find that special woman?"
Scowling, Kakashi considered her question. In truth, it had never occurred to him to wonder why he remained a virgin. It was not a consistent thought in his mind. Now that the subject came to him, he thought it might simply be due to the fact that he had never really had a chance to lose his virginity. Life was continuously throwing him in the air. Only during rare intervals was he able to stand on solid ground. During those times he was mostly occupied with keeping dark thoughts and darker outcomes at bay. His sex life was barely a secondary concern.
"I never cared," Kakashi replied composedly. "There was always far too much going on for me to worry about my libido."
Sakura leaned her head back and laughed, her third laugh of the night.
"I must really be drunk!" she exclaimed, amused. "I just had the stupidest idea ever."
"What was it?"
"It's embarrassing for me to admit, but... I thought since we're both virgins..."
She paused, wondering how much strain it would put on their current relationship if she were to admit the ludicrous proposition that had darted across her brain.
"...I thought it would be kind of...interesting...if we took each others virginity."
Sakura thought her tongue undoubtedly loosened by alcohol. If the circumstances had been in any way different, it was unlikely she would have admitted to this thought unless under threat of disembowelment. She somewhat believed it was a completely natural idea, therefore any unfortunate implications could be safely disregarded.
Kakashi stared at the woman thoughtfully. To his shame, he was only slightly disconcerted by her suggestion. A part of his brain, clearly a part that did not know what was good for him, was regarding it as a serious proposition, rather than the obvious nonsensicalness of someone under the influence of alcohol. And to his further shame, he was starting to enjoy the idea with every passing second of its creation. Images of the before were starting to pull him in, leaving him willfully blind to the aftermath.
"You...you don't want to, do you?"
Sakura's words, hesitant and quiet, broke through Kakashi's thoughts. His head, which had been floating a good one hundred feet in the sky, was pulled back to the surface. He remembered that he was not a needlessly lustful young man seeking to bed any woman who showed an interest. He also reminded himself, partly as a form of punishment for his inappropriate thoughts, that Sakura was not his type. He would prefer someone of a more appealing nature to have this honor, if anyone at all deserved it.
"We're both rational adults," Kakashi replied logically. "I think we can decide for ourselves who we want to give it away to, be it each other or someone else. I-If you want to do it, I suppose I could...agree."
Kakashi desired to deal a lasting blow to the back of his own head, if Sakura did not volunteer herself for that task. The words coming from his mouth were so contrary to his thoughts that a stranger could have taken over his vocal cords. And he had just stuttered, something the situation did not warrant. The collective fumes of all the alcohol Sakura had imbibed must have begun ransacking his brain, he thought. Although as he surveyed the remains of everything she had drunk, he was uncomfortably aware that she must be more sober than he suspected.
A faint smile on her features, Sakura shook her head in amusement.
"We're both out of our minds!" she exclaimed. "We can't be serious about getting it on! You're practically a substitute parent for me and I'm practically your kid. Isn't that how you see our relationship, Kakashi?"
Kakashi stared directly into Sakura's eyes, his expression somber. The laugh that had started to climb Sakura's throat shrank back at the look on his face.
"No, I don't," he uttered quietly, his tone rather stiff. "Not even a little."
The seriousness of his tone caught Sakura off guard. The meager smile glided from her visage by degrees.
Obviously not affected in the same way, Kakashi turned his face away from the woman before he spoke. He did not want her to see the color that had come to his cheeks, albeit it was quite obvious to any observer. He was about to tell her something he would never have dreamed of telling anyone, let alone Sakura Haruno. The idea of saying these words aloud did not please him, yet he knew he would speak them anyway. He couldn't help himself, much the same way he couldn't prevent himself from saying those words earlier.
"I want to know what it's like to be with a woman," he admitted softly. "I never thought about it especially before tonight, but now that its been brought up there's no going back. I can't get it out of my head and...it's all your fault. I don't think I could let you leave here without knowing I went through with it."
He stopped there, although he wanted to say more. But anything else he wished to utter would be crossing the line. Granted, he had already crossed that line, yet he could not go any further over it without experiencing some of the worst guilt of his life. He was already a bit ashamed of himself for having been taken in by an idea made slightly in jest.
The faint smile returned to Sakura's face. She didn't know what emotion she was experiencing now, but she was certain it wasn't wholly to do with her recent choice of drink.
"So, are we really going to do this?" she queried of both herself and Kakashi.
The answer did not need to be said out loud. The word "Yes" was spelled out clearly in their eyes. It had been waiting there, idle, near the genesis of their conversation. Only now did they both feel confident enough to express it, knowing that the other was of the same mind.
With this newfound corroboration of what was to occur that night, Sakura rose from her seat. Her question and her readiness might have conveyed tenacity, but these were all part of a facade she was already failing to keep in place. Butterflies were starting to converge in her stomach. Her brow was alive with perspiration, any comforting thoughts chased away by the realization that Kakashi would soon be penetrating her. She wondered, her hands receiving their own little quiver and her sweat increasing, what it would feel like for the first time. If it would hurt, if she would scream, if perhaps she would even cry, out of delight or pain, when Kakashi entered her...
Likewise, Kakashi wondered what it would feel like when their bodies came together. His imagination could only extend so far in that direction. He wondered what noises Sakura would make, he wondered what noises he would make, he wondered if he could hold out long enough to satisfy her before he was forced to release. He wondered if perhaps it would not be as great as he expected it to be and he would emerge from the incident woefully disillusioned. And most of all, he wondered if he would awaken the next morning weighed down by regret.
Having crossed the threshold, Sakura stared apprehensively around the room. The walls would be the only witnesses tonight, yet even their silent, nonexistent gaze seemed to burn into her.
Kakashi tugged the mask from his face, uncovering the lower half of his visage. He was blushing openly now, but he did not let this bother him. His worries had moved beyond concealing this, and rightfully so. He took Sakura's cheek in his hand, his eyes displaying tender affection alongside his emerging lust. His warm lips met hers, embracing them with an animalistic passion. He buried his hand in her soft, aromatic hair as his tongue became intimately engrossed in the interior of Sakura's mouth.
A moan of deep, sensual pleasure escaped from Sakura's throat. Her inhibitions were melting away in the heat of the kiss. She wanted Kakashi to take her right that very minute, without hesitation of any kind. She wanted to feel his hands on every part of her body, removing all of those bothersome articles of clothing, leaving her bare and vulnerable to everything he could give her sexually. She closed her eyes, imagining she could feel his lust as a physical thing, pressed against her and into her while they kissed.
Kakashi opened his eyes when he felt Sakura's hands against his chest, pushing him away. It was less of a push and more of a reluctant nudge. The woman was clearly doing this under objection from a greater part of her brain.
"You don't need to do all that," she told him. "Let's just get this over with, okay?"
She nearly choked on the words. The only reason she stopped him was because her mind was going to a place she didn't want it to travel. The fact that they were going through with this was enough for her. Anything further down that path would be too much for her to cope with in the morning. But her body didn't want him to stop. Never in her life had it felt like this before, never had she been so ready, yet so anxious.
"I'm trying to make you comfortable," Kakashi responded, smiling. "I couldn't think of another way to put you at ease. And..."
Sakura's heart skipped a beat as Kakashi's hand slid up the side of her blouse.
"...you don't really want me to stop, do you?"
This time, she kissed him.
Kakashi and Sakura didn't speak to each other too much the next morning. One would think, considering the extraordinary occurrences of the previous night, that they would have much to occupy their tongues. Indeed, there was much they could have spoken about on the subject, if they had not felt very awkward over the whole thing. Kakashi had been amiable enough to allow Sakura to spend the night at his apartment, lending her the bed while he took the couch for his own slumber. After it was all over and they had both showered, separately of course, being in the same room with one another seeming too heavy a burden for the night. The following morning, Sakura wanted to be left alone in order to eventually accept that her virginity was gone and Kakashi in turn wanted to be left alone to accept that he was the one who had taken it, and vice versa.
The ordeal itself had not been glamorous or flawless for the two people who had never before had sex. There was much fumbling and discomfort as they tried to decide how to feel about what they were doing and how it was all supposed to work.
"Are you sure it's alright, Sakura? I...I could stop if you want me to..."
"No, it's...I mean...it feels nice..."
"Am I being too rough? Do you want me to be more gentle?"
"It's fine. It's just...I don't know. Never mind. Keep going."
"I won't be angry if you want me to stop..."
"No, don't stop! It just...feels weird. I've never...and it's so..."
"Sa-Sakura? Do you want me to...?"
"I'm fine, Kakashi. You don't need to stop."
Those were the utterances that chased them through the apartment and, for Sakura, out the door directly after a hasty breakfast. They pursued her back to her own abode, begging to be acknowledged by a woman who desperately wanted to banish them to fiction. It cannot be said whether or not she regretted giving up her virginity to Kakashi, because she did not know. The worst thing about it for her was that she couldn't force herself to take a permanent stance on it. She kept jumping from one to the other, at first being horrified at what they had done and then being strangely calm about it. It was made worse by the fact that she had also taken his virginity. No matter how many people they both slept with in their lives, they would always remember that one night they slept with each other.
Kakashi was tormented by all the little things surrounding the incident. He remembered his brief thought of how sexy Sakura was in that particular light. He vividly recalled all the noises she made when they had sex and he somewhat wanted her to make them again. He couldn't keep his memory away from that adorable little squeak she made when she reached climax. More vivid was the memory of the sharp little gasp that emerged from her mouth when he entered her for the first time. It wasn't a gasp of pain or horror. It was a gasp of surprise. A few thrusts was all it took for her to get used to it, for her body to recognize and accept the invader. Every thrust produced a sound from her lips, something between a sharp intake of breath and a moan. He realized, with some despair, that he would never hear those noises from her again. Never again would he feel their bodies as one single form, moving in near-perfect unison. He took this surprisingly miserable prospect to bed with him at night.
Four days later, in the evening shortly after Kakashi returned home from a mission, the woman he had been thinking about almost obsessively for those four days came to visit him.
They greeted each other normally, as if visits of this nature were frequent. Sakura made some generic comments about him and he responded in kind, starting off an unremarkable conversation. He invited her into his home and prepared drinks for the pair of them. Sitting across from each other at the kitchen table, they spoke of simple, innocent topics. But after a while, the conversation swung around to what it had been destined to: The taking of each others' virginity.
"I've been thinking about it constantly, and so have you," Sakura uttered frankly.
She wouldn't refer to it by name. She could only bring herself to use the open term "it". "It" could be anything, if it didn't have the misfortune to be that one thing.
Kakashi, who did not wish to admit his newly-found habit of lying awake in bed thinking intimately of his encounter with Sakura's private parts, nodded in response. The word "haunting" sprang to his mind in description, but that word was normally reserved for unpleasant frames of mind or saddening memories. He wasn't "haunted" by his recollection. He was taunted by it. He tried to express these things to Sakura right then and there, but she did not appear to comprehend his meaning. The best he could communicate was that he had not been sleeping in his usual dependable manner, causing her to admit that she too was having trouble managing her normally meticulous slumber pattern.
"Losing my virginity didn't make me feel any better about being rejected by Sasuke," Sakura commented sourly. "I wonder what it will take for me to get over it."
"Doing it again?" Kakashi proposed, partially joking.
Sakura looked at him in surprise. The thought of "doing it again" had literally never crossed her mind in those many days of dwelling on the incident. Naturally, she was incapable of losing her virginity twice, as was he. Reasons for them again having relations were nonexistent. Much as she liked it, people of their specific type of relationship needed a solid reason to engage in sexual activities with one another. Sakura laughed at his suggestion.
"Yeah, we'll just fuck until I forget about Sasuke being an asshole," she replied sarcastically.
Even as she said those words, she was beginning to see the appeal of them having sex once more. Obviously, her and Kakashi had no romantic interest whatsoever in one another. They were friends, or perhaps slightly over the line that separates friendship from something deeper. But there was that natural inclination for two people who had come together sexually to do it again in the spirit of that invisible bond that had been forged between their libidos. Furthermore, Sakura mentioned aloud to Kakashi that practice was always needed in any field. One did not become an excellent fighter or a cook or anything of importance without first upgrading their skills. The pair admitted without shame that, as it had been their first ever time, it had not been perfect. On the contrary, due to their nervousness of amateur level of skill, there were many things to be improved upon if they wished to please the sexual needs of their future partners. Practicing on random people was not ideal, but since they had already done it once there would be less uncertainty and pressure.
"Just once more," Sakura concluded firmly. "We can do it twice and it's not a big deal. We can't blame ourselves for wanting to practice. It's...for the good of the people we end up with."
Kakashi nodded hastily in agreement, his heart already excited by the prospect. The recollection was no longer taunting him. It was cheering him on, urging him to agree with whatever excuse Sakura could come up with. He surmised to himself that this was the reason he was so occupied with the memory. Clearly there had always been that drive for improvement inside of him, but he did not know how to inquire about it without her getting the wrong idea.
In Kakashi's bedroom yet again, Sakura's reluctance crept from her body and mind more readily than it had the first time. She was still a bit nervous, as this was only her second time having sex. But she knew what she was up against, to put it one way, and she was prepared to face it with bravery. For practice, of course, she reminded herself as she began to undress. She had no cause to be all worked up about it the next morning.
Kakashi planted a gentle kiss on Sakura's forehead, a playful, teasing kiss. He then did the same to her cheek, her ear, and her neck. He proceeded downward to in turn give the same kiss to her collarbone, her knee, her shoulder, and her thigh, all the while whispering her name tenderly prior to each one. Every touch of his lips against her bare skin caused her to giggle and sigh. He only came to her mouth at the very end of this, lingering upon it longer than he had the rest.
Sakura longed to tell him again that he needn't do all this. But this time no words of the sort came from her lips. During this round she truly could not bring herself to say an utterance against his actions. She lay quite happily, eyes closed and mouth tracing sounds of pleasure, as his hands stroked and fondled her body. She was blissful, content in letting him do as he wished whether necessary or not. She didn't flinch or object when Kakashi's fingers and tongue found their way to her waiting woman parts. She instead gently pushed his head deeper into the space between her legs.
Later that night, after it was all over and done with, they both slept more soundly than they had the past few days.
A week later, Sakura approached Kakashi and told him he needed to work on his cunnilingus skills. She impressed upon him that he was decent enough for his first attempt, but she felt there was still room for him to improve his tongue's performance. He could easily practice on some stationary object, she pointed out, but it was best he perfect this on a living woman. When he agreed with her without any objection, it was arranged that they would meet, this time at her apartment, and give some honest practice. Somehow, that honest practice became quite a bit more as he ended up penetrating her yet again. All for enhancing their skills in bed, she made clear.
A week after that, Kakashi told Sakura that there were skills she needed to improve on as well. He apparently thought it prudent that she learn to handle men in different ways. He adjoined that she could easily learn these by reference, but active practice would do her well in the long run. And furthermore, practice on a living being was preferred. Needless to say, Sakura learned a lot from her former sensei that night at his apartment. As before, what it all boiled down to was them having sexual intercourse. They were getting strangely used to it.
It became more frequent as the weeks passed. Once a week was obviously too infrequent for their liking. Sakura specified the horrors of stress and how sex was known to relieve one of this dangerous affliction. To their credit, three nights a week of this did seem to help with their stress. They became happier in their everyday lives by doing this. Their hunger to be around each other increased, and they were always of a more blissful mood while in each others' company. After a night of pleasures with Sakura, Kakashi felt as if he was alive.
But despite their increasing happiness, Sakura did not know how to truly feel about what they were doing. The necessity of it was obvious, she thought, but then again every excuse she came up with was mainly that. She could not even lay the blame on natural instinct anymore. It seemed she could not be satisfied, and neither could Kakashi, no matter how many times they did it. It was almost an addiction for the two of them, consistently seeking each other for this kind of delight and being unable to bear going without it for longer intervals than one or two days.
One night, Sakura felt obliged to ask Kakashi about this routine they'd settled into and what it actually meant for them.
"Do you think we've somehow...fallen in love?" she queried worriedly.
Kakashi stared at her quizzically, surprised by her question and its implications. The concept had never occurred to him and he was astonished that it had to her.
"Love is about more than wanting to fuck one another," he pointed out logically.
Sakura was not convinced. The question had been building up inside of her for a long time and it would not be so easily vanquished.
"But we've had sex so many times," she replied stubbornly. "I always stay the night at your apartment. We even...showered together that one time..."
She remembered that event clearly. The feeling of the water cascading down her body, pooling briefly at her feet before it was pulled towards the patient drain. Her wet hair pressed heavily against her skin. Their bodies clinging to one another as it was all washed away. And even though they were completely nude, pressed against each other in the midst of the temperate steam, neither of them were thinking about sex. They were only thinking of their shared warmth.
"Sakura, if we were in love, we'd want to pursue it," Kakashi replied in the same logical way. "Sex and love are two different things. Why would we leave one without the other if we wanted both? Why not pursue them as one?"
A part of Sakura wanted to tell him that they were pursuing it, in the only way they could excuse it. If they simply came out and announced their love to one another, that would be too much for them to cope with. Nether of them could approve of wanting to be together in that way, as it would be highly inappropriate for two who had once been sensei and student, a lapse in their professionalism. But sex was a convenient alternate that had fallen into their laps during a conversation. As they had proven many times already, excuses could be made for sex. However, Sakura didn't want to say these things out loud, because she feared that they were true.
Therefore, Sakura closed her eyes and let these thoughts drift off in her proceeding waves of pleasure.
All of this continued for a little under half a year. The actions, once awkward and rather hesitant, fell into a routine for the two people. An outsider would have regarded it as the personification of lust in its most undiluted form. Nothing was there but lust, an observer would conclude. But they would be mistaken in this decidedly reasonable analysis. Something other than blind lust drove their desires. Blind lust had become a physical metaphor.
One morning, after staying the night at Kakashi's apartment yet again, Sakura asked Kakashi about a subject they had been dedicated to avoiding.
"Aren't we going to have to stop this one day?"
Kakashi finished pouring himself a glass of milk. His eyes did not leave the carton when he replied to the woman.
"Yes, I will have to stop buying too much milk. I keep forgetting I live alone."
Sakura sighed, unimpressed by Kakashi's response.
"I meant...what we did last night."
"I'm sorry about that. If you don't like having your hair pulled, I'll refrain from it next time."
Sakura reeled in a deep breath, inhaling the rage that threatened to erupt from her. She could not tell if Kakashi was intentionally diverting himself away from the question or if he was unusually clueless in the early morning. She highly suspected the former. She herself had done this before when she was on the opposite side of the exchange. The irony, although striking, was not lost to her. And as an unrelated thought, she hadn't minded Kakashi pulling her hair. She had quite enjoyed it.
"The sex, Kakashi. The sex."
Kakashi turned around, the glass of milk in his hand. His visage failed to portray anything other than an impassive manner, but there were many thoughts crawling underneath his skin.
"It's getting boring, isn't it?" he uttered reasonably. "I can't blame you for wanting to stop."
Sakura managed to look directly into Kakashi's face during her next words. She was going to lay her mind out, bare and exposed, for him, and she did not want to give the impression of cowardice. Another bit of irony, as she had been cowardly since the beginning of this. All the words unspoken could bear witness to her failures in courage.
"I don't want to stop," she uttered steadily. "I couldn't leave you to the fate of being alone forever. And you...would never be able to let me go, would you? You'd come after me and beg for me to come back. Because you can't stand the idea of me being alone, in the dark, without that closeness...and neither can I, I have to admit."
"Alone? But we could easily find other people if that's what we want... We wouldn't be alone. You're overreacting."
The words would not come. Kakashi couldn't utter these things, and he knew why. However rational, however brimming with finality they were, he could only look upon them as lies he told himself in his bed at night. He could not hurt Sakura with these untruths. If he tried, she would be forced to return the agony by rejecting them.
"I'm afraid to say that you're right," Kakashi uttered, closing his eyes in surrender.
Sakura crossed the kitchen to stand in front of him. Prior to losing her virginity, she had wondered what it would feel like and how she would react to said feeling. When it actually occurred, her reaction had been contrary to everything she suspected. It had been...indescribable by any words she knew. She had lost her mind, her will to think about the wrongness or the rightness of it, in the heat of their intimacy. Much like she was at this very moment.
"Are you saying you're in love with me?" she asked softly.
Kakashi closed his eyes and sighed heavily, wishing he had had the foresight to close the door in Sakura's face all those months ago.
"Don't make me say it. You're the cruelest woman in the world if you make me say it..."
She must have indeed been a malevolent beast, for her next actions appeared to have the purpose of coaxing those exact words from his lips. Sakura leaned closer, teasing him with an intoxicating whiff of her strawberry shampoo. Her lips curled into a smile, partially sexy and partially devious. This was Sakura going into full hunter mode, cornering her helpless prey.
"If you don't say it, I'll consider myself free to be with as many men as I want," she informed him craftily. "You don't love me, so it shouldn't be a problem."
Kakashi was momentarily amazed at her underhanded attack, then he recalled the woman's character in its entirety. Remarkably, this was the woman his love had captured, displaying all of herself to him while his foolish heart throbbed in want. In hindsight, he should have rudely ejected her from his home entirely and banned her from the premises at her suggestion for them to take each others' virginity, he thought sourly.
"You're cruel, Sakura," he told her, exasperated. "Men like me shouldn't fall in love with cruel women..."
Sakura smirked, waiting for him to fully realize his own words.
Noting her smile, Kakashi at once saw his mistake driven before him. He had said those words, those words he had judged forbidden. And to extend his feeling of having been tricked, his cheeks were turning a tell-tale shade of crimson and he was getting that familiar sensation in his heart. He turned his gaze away from the woman, unable to stand how pleased she looked with herself.
"D-Don't smile at me like that," he uttered, loathing his unwanted stammering in her presence.
Fortunately, Sakura had grown tired of teasing the poor man. She wanted to move on to the duration prior to matters that would settle their feelings. How they would go about all of this could wait. Discussion of any kind could be safely postponed, and if not she truly did not care for the consequences of putting it off. Her smile turning from shrewd to loving, she pressed her hand to Kakashi's cheek, adding her heat to the temperature of his blushing face.
Their bodies were coming together, but not in the way they had those past few months. They were coming together in a way that made them doubt they'd ever needed sex to experience that closeness they secretly chased after. Perhaps, all along, they had just needed this moment of tenderness and the realization that they had taken something irreplaceable from one another to expose their hearts.
They both closed their eyes, Sakura's warm hand resting on Kakashi's cheek.
It was not sex.
It was not the pleasure of being together in lust with someone you love.
It was something more beautiful, more wonderful, than either of them could have hoped for.
For the first time that would mark many times to come, Kakashi stopped loathing the fact that he chanced to fall in love with Sakura Haruno.
He instead reflected on how lucky he was that she returned his feelings.