I'd played at Degrassi before, of course. God, I went to high school here. I guess the first time was the battle of the bands when I was falling apart. Ashley was just super pissed at me, and she had a right to be. But there was always so much more to my falling apart than that.
What was going on then? Tenth grade, shit. Manny was pregnant, which was such a major fuck-up. But the worst thing about it was it was out of my hands. I wanted to keep that baby, even though it probably wasn't such a good idea. But Manny got that abortion and there was nothing I could do. I was powerless. But that was nothing new.
If she'd had that kid it would be around three years old right now. But what was it? Just dead cells on the end of a scalpel.
It was weird to be playing here and not recognize anybody. Was there anyone here I'd even gone to high school with? The seniors, maybe. Some juniors. I didn't know. And Ash looked amazing in her tight little outfit and high heels and her hair all long and fancy. And we were married. That was crazy. But I'd had like a few lines of coke and it was after this insane show in London and I just asked her, got down on my knees like I did at her dad's wedding party thing, but this time I wasn't manic and out of my mind.
It had always been Ashley. I didn't know what the thing with Manny was all about. Sometimes I thought she was obsessed with me, or at least more infatuated with me than I was with her. Don't get me wrong. Manny was sexy and really sweet and I had really really liked her, but it was different with Ash.
So we're playing "My Window" and the kids are really enjoying it, and I feel like, I don't know, old. Like I don't belong here, not like I did. And it's good. High school was just this sucking morass of insecurity and misery and…I'm just glad it's over. Glad I'm married and don't have to worry about girls and all that shit. I can hear Ash's voice doing the backup vocals. She really is this amazing singer, an amazing woman. I love her like, like beyond love, beyond words to describe it. I don't know. It's this preverbal shit, like what infants think or something.
So she's texting some kid because that kid doesn't think we're really here playing at the Degrassi gym. It isn't that hard to believe. At some of those shows in Europe there were like two people there, if that. And they weren't there to see us, they just happened to be there. We're not like some huge headlining act, but whatever. I do have that CD out, and it's doing okay. But kids like to think things are more than they are, that they're in the center of things and so me and Ash are like the biggest act around. It's kind of funny. Sometimes I think it, too.
"We're just two kids that met here at Degrassi," Ashley said, smiling at me, and I could remember it so clearly when we met, ninth grade, and she was all gothic cool and so intimidating. But I loved talking to her. She got everything I said, and believe me at that time I felt like no one could understand anything. I was alone in this violent world of my dad always hassling me and hitting me and I was alone with all my dark cryptic thoughts and all my delusional, 'things are totally okay' thoughts at the other end of the spectrum, so when I'd say shit then it was kind of off the wall, like when Ms. Kwan wanted us to talk about ourselves in drama class. Man, did I dread shit like that, because I didn't know. I was all these contradictions and lies and half-truths and just so lost then. But Ashley, she could make sense of it and she got it. I really was in love with her then, ninth grade.
"Do you remember, Ashley, it was right here at this spot in the gym that I sang you that song," I said, smiling my thousand watt smile, tossing my hat into the audience, and Ashley smiled her devious smile, the one that makes me worry.
"Yeah, I do remember. And why did you write that song for me? Do you remember?"
Shit. She was calling me out. I wanted to be all put together for these kids, and she wanted me to bring up the fucked up past. Oh well. It was fine. It was cool.
"Uh, well, it may have had something to do with my, uh, inability at the time…to say that I loved you," I pressed my lips together and ducked my head. Oh god I just could not tell her that then, even though I did love her. I did. But it was just too much risk to say it. I thought love was going to end in death and disaster, like it always had before.
"But you should always say what you feel in the moment," I said, and I wasn't saying this so much to Ash, who had never really had a problem with that. I was saying it to that fucked up kid out there who was like me, and I knew they were out there. The kids with whatever tragedy it was that prevented them from feeling their feelings, from being honest with themselves and everyone around them. Maybe it would help them. Maybe it wouldn't, who knew? I just think I might have benefited from hearing something like that back then.
So I sang her that song again, "The Way You Shine" and it kind of sounded the same, but I was older now. I'd been singing longer. I don't know, it might have lost some of it's youthful agony and desperateness, which was always a part of its charm. Polished isn't always better. But it still sounded pretty good, and I liked to sing it to her. It was the first way I'd ever told her that I loved her, and so it still kind of resonated in that way. But when I was done singing it she got a kind of weird look on her face, she looked upset. So I rushed over to her. I was always rushing over to her.
"What? What's wrong?" I whispered to her in the spotlights, not caring about all the kids looking at us. I knew they didn't matter, not really.
"I didn't take your advice," she said, "saying what you mean in the moment?"
"What? What is it?" I was a little scared. This marriage was real new, and in many ways we were still figuring it out. There were boundaries that could be crossed, and there were boundaries that couldn't. I still didn't have a clear grasp of it. It was like groping in the dark, feeling the wall for the light switch.
"I'm pregnant," she said, "it's a boy. Are you mad?"
Pregnant. There would be no abortion this time. I wasn't some fucked up tenth grader with no way to support a kid, with no clue. Not that we were making a ton of money, we weren't. How would I support a kid? I'd have to get some part time job, somehow, around touring. I'd have to sacrifice some things for this kid, but that was okay. And a boy? I'd always been sure that the baby Manny would have had, that that baby would have been a girl. Maude. And I kind of always thought that a girl would have been easier to have, to deal with in some ways than a boy. Because like, my dad had a boy, me, obviously. I just thought it would be easier to repeat his mistakes if I had a boy, it would echo our relationship more closely. And of course I was terrified of that. I knew I had a temper sometimes, and being bipolar didn't help that. I didn't want to be like my dad. I wanted to be like Joey.
But it was okay. I wouldn't be like my dad, since I knew what being like that could do to a kid, what it did to me. I'd be everything I'd wanted my dad to be, everything that Joey was and still is. So I smiled at her, a slow and kind of serious smile, and I wrapped her in my arms and kissed her.