Norbert, By Any Other Name
an Angry Beavers Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: It's a fun challenge to put the beavers in situations where they might express less common emotions. Angsty, broody Norbert is quite the contrast from his usual cocky, over-the-top persona, but both are important aspects of his characterization.
The party was undoubtedly a success. Treeflower claimed she had a good time at any rate, and asked Norbert if he wanted to meet up somewhere tomorrow. All their friends had shown up, as well as Truckee. Sometimes that shrew could rival Bing for sheer persistence and inability to take no for an answer. It wasn't surprising that he was the last to leave.
"Not a bad shindig." Truckee admitted. "I still can't get over the names you had written on that cake, though."
"I know! Who names their kid 'Doofus'?" Norbert laughed.
"Actually, I was talking about YOU. Norbert Foster Beaver. It cracks me up." Truckee guffawed.
Norb scowled. "Foster's a great name, it's obviously a reference to how I've fostered a sense of grace and dig-na-ty." insisted Norbert.
"That, or it means you were adopted. See ya." Truckee stated bluntly as he slammed the door shut.
Norbert stared at the door, wide-eyed. "A-doop-ted?" he repeated. Norbert thought back to all the previous years, the Arbor Days were Daggett was blatantly given better presents, the way Mom always hugged Dag longer, the way Dad was so quick to take his brother's side. They'd always told the brothers they were born together, but really, who could prove that? It made so much more sense if Dag, spoot-headed simpleton that he was, gained his preferential status by virtue of being the only true brother. Norbert was just some pathetic, good-looking stranger they'd taken pity on. But pity couldn't last forever, that was why he only hung out with Bing once a month, after all. There was just one way to resolve this, if he wasn't really a part of the beaver family, then he shouldn't be living in a beaver dam. It was time for Daggett to claim his birth-right.
"Heh-yuh." Daggett came downstairs, yawning. "What a jerk. You stayed up all night without me!" he pouted.
"A thousand apologies, brother who I thought I had but it turns out I didn't although he is still a brother to his sisters. I shan't make that mistake again." Norbert bowed and turned to leave.
"Eh? Whaddya talking about?" Daggett asked.
"I've leaving the dam in your semi-capable paws. For you Dag-a-lito are the eldest beaver and the heir to this humble abo-day." explained Norbert.
"You're making fun of my hair?" Dag grumbled. "You really are a spoot-head."
Norbert was rapidly losing his patience. "You misunderstand, oh doofus brother. I am the foster brother, the impostor, the fake, the phony whereas you are the genuine legitimate brother!" he snapped.
"Duh. Everyone knows you're just a poser. Why do you think everybody laughs at you so much when you're not paying attention?" retorted Daggett.
Norb's face crumpled. "They were in on it all along? Well, it doesn't matter because I'm GONE. Enjoy your own dam life, only brother in a family I really won't miss at all!" Norbert huffed as he stalked off.
Daggett watched him go. "Does this mean I get to play with your stuff? If you don't come back in 5 minutes, I'm gonna start breaking down the doors to ALL your secret rooms, even the ones that never appeared before today!" Dag called after him. Norbert didn't even look back.
The first 3 hours were wonderful. Daggett broke more toys in that one morning, than he had all the rest of the year. But without Norb's angry expressions and creatively mispronounced threats, victory seemed hollow. He still didn't think it was quite worth chasing after Norb, when he heard a knock on the door.
"Come crawling back to me, eh?" Daggett gloated as he answered the knock.
Treeflower glared at him. "I'm looking for your brother, dummy. And he'd better be in traction or at death's door, because he didn't call me. I'm the one who plays hard-to-get, and if he thinks a little reverse psychology will intrigue me, he's going to be one more lonely boy in the world." she vowed.
"Norbert left. He's having an identity crisis, thinks he's adopted or something. I stopped listening when he told me I could take his belongings, eh. I think there's still one or two posters I haven't ripped to shreds, you want to take a whack at them? Don't worry, it's not the one with your old band members, I destroyed that first of all!" Daggett proudly announced.
"How could you! Norbert is your own brother, no matter how silly and misguised he may be! You're lucky I'm only filled with self-righteous indignation today, and not a screaming vengeful harpy." Treeflower told him.
"Potato, po-tah-to, same difference." Daggett replied with a shrug. Treeflower grabbed him by the ear and dragged him out of the dam. "Yowch! What does Norb see in you?" he wondered.
"A strong and vibrant woman." Treeflower explained.
"I told him he needed stronger prescription lenses, eh. Y'know if you catch him trying to read without them, you can have ALOT of fun. Norb's signed for all my purchases these past 4 years and doesn't even know it!" Dag boasted.
"I think it's despicable that you would take advantage of him in such a manner." Treeflower proclaimed (although she planned on taking those glasses away, the next time she and Norbert went to a fancy restaurant. There was no need to keep ordering water if Norbert didn't know how expensive the wine list was.)
"What makes you think you can even find Norb anyway?" questioned Dag.
"Oh please. I was a forest ranger, and a Girl Scout den-mother, and a Native American tracking guide, and a big-game hunter in deepest Africa. Norb is easy prey. His toes curve inward, he has a higher arch than most beavers, his tail slants to the right, and he always wears vanilla and pine-scented aftershave. I could find him with my eyes closed." Treeflower asserted. She pointed to a mud-puddle not far ahead. "He's over there."
"Yeesh. Maybe I should try the eyes-closed thingy, he looks really ga-ross!" Daggett made a gagging noise.
"Norby! What are doing, you'll make yourself sick rolling around out there!" Treeflower cried. Norbert didn't even respond. Frustrated, she took her complaints a step further. "Your fur is a hideous filth-infested mess! You always cared so much about your looks, it was your most defining trait!"
"Norbert cared about his appearance." Norbert gloomily corrected her. "Foster belongs in the dirt because he came from NOTHING and there is nothing of value about him."
"Thats just jour nicknorb, er norbynick, knock-name!" Daggett argued. "It doesn't reflect who you are! If that were the case, everybody would consider ME a doofus, eh!"
Treeflower fidgeted uncomfortably. "Riiight, I'll just leave you two boys to your reunion. Daggett, you should take him to your parents, get their advice. And Norbert, call me after you've cleaned yourself up a little bit." she suggested. "I have to hurry if I'm to catch the next airplane out of town. I've heard great things about the running of the bulls in Pamplona!"
"You heard the lady. Up and at 'em, Spoot-for-brains." Daggett instructed. "Norbert never listened to me, but I bet -Foster- would obey."
Norbert reluctantly slid out of the mud. "Please sir, I want some more." he protested.
"Good night you prince of mania, you king of near epiphanies. Let's go, Norby." Daggett firmly declared.
Leonard Beaver was happily relaxing at home with his wife, Penny, and their two well-tempered daughters, Stacy and Chelsea. He didn't expect a knock at the door, and he certainly didn't want to leave the couch to answer it. "Can you get that, hon?" he bellowed.
Penny rolled her eyes as she put away the vacuum cleaner. She was -never- going to get any chores done at this rate. Leonard was useless around the house, and the girls, despite their best intentions, were usually more of a hindrance when it came to housework. "Who is it?" she called as she opened the door and saw her charming younger son, Daggett and some hideous brown abomination standing next to him. "Daggett! What a surprise! Come in, sweetie. Who's your friend?" she asked brightly.
"He's not a friend, he's Norbert." Daggett qualified.
"Norby? Oh my goodness, what have you DONE to yourself? Run upstairs baby, and have a nice, hot bubble bath. No son of mine should walk around looking like they came from a pig pen!" she chastised.
Norbert looked resigned to his face. "As you wish, parental unit who has no vested authority over me and yet I do no want to argue against while visiting her household." Norbert glumly remarked.
Stacy and Chelsea couldn't take their eyes off him as he tromped upstairs. "Did Norby lose a fight with a sludge monster?" Chelsea asked.
"Don't be silly, there's no such thing!" Stacy scoffed. "He obviously challenged the king of Dust Devils and got his tail whupped."
"Devil kings are mean!" Chelsea concurred.
Penny sighed. "It's not polite to stare, girls." she informed them.
"Yeah, take a picture, it lasts longer! I call dibs on the camera, eh!" Daggett shouted.
"No cameras. Norbert needs his privacy right now." Penny insisted. "Hmm, I think he could also use a bowl of soup."
"I'll help, I'll help, let me help!" Stacy volunteered.
"No let me! I'm the bestest helper!" Chelsea argued.
"I'm the oldest. Well, I'm the oldest non-crazy beaver! I should be in charge!" Daggett insisted.
"You can all help." Penny allowed, against her better judgment. It was a good thing Norb was in such need of a bath, it was going to take twice as long to cook the soup with her other children helping.
"It's not boiling eh, why won't it boil, stupid pot, I hate you!" Daggett scolded.
Penny smacked her paw in frustration. "Oh Daggett. I wanted you to put a can of soup on the stove." she stated.
"I did, Mom!" Dag pointed to the can, which was literally resting atop the stove.
"I meant, use the can-opener to remove the lid, then pour the broth into the pot." she clarified.
"Ohhh, that DOES make more sense." conceded Daggett.
"Soup is boring." complained Chelsea. "Norby should get better ingredients, like strawberries and bananas! Maybe some tuna, I like tuna. And chocolate, oh wow!"
"Let's add ice cream! That makes everything yummy!" Stacy suggested.
"Let's not and say we did." Penny asserted. She turned around and saw Norbert tromp into the kitchen, with a towel wrapped around his neck. "There's my big, handsome boy!"
"No, mom. I'm over here." Daggett corrected.
"Hello matron of the perfectly do-mi-stick-ated family I don't belong to. Salutations other assorted relatives who seem more complete without me around them." acknowledged Norb.
Penny frowned. "You're not making sense, Norbert. Are you feverish? You look a little flushed, poor dear. I hoped a bath would cheer you up, you always liked keeping your fur shiny and smooth. Sit and drink your soup, Norby, it's good for you." she indicated the fresh bowl she had placed on the table.
"Want my scrunchie, Norb? It'll make your fur seem even more splan-diff-orous!" Stacy deliberately mimicked her oldest brother's verbal tic.
"No, no, give him a necklace. That's more gender-appropriate." Chelsea paused. "...Isn't it?"
Norbert pushed his soup aside. "Thank you for your kindness polite yet strange family that is really not my own. But I cannot accept your hospitality any longer." he sniffled slightly.
Leonard casually strode into the room. "You end up in the hospital-ity if you don't settle down and keep warm." Leonard considered this. "Hmm, maybe he SHOULD go outside. Some of those nurses are awfully cute, wowza!"
Penny smacked her husband. "Act your age, Leonard!" she scolded, before addressing her wayward son. "Norbert, you have always been a part of this family, whether you wanted to be or not."
"Yes. Although as a foster brother, I never -could- quite fit in." Norbert allowed.
Penny looked at him quizzically. "Is that why you're acting this way? Norbert, we gave you boys middle names based off MY parents'. Yours was a tribute to Granpa Foster, Daggett's was out of respect to Granma Doofus." she explained.
Norbert's eyes lit up. "Then I really am the big brother? I can keep bossing Dag around, acting smug, and every once in a while demonstrating hidden depths to redeem myself in the eyes of the fandom?" he asked hopefully.
His family all nodded their heads in unison. "It's what we're used to." claimed Leonard.
"Biiig hug!" Norbert announced as he embraced Daggett.
Daggett squirmed frantically to get away, before finally submitting to his brother's particularly obnoxious brand of affection. "That'll do, pig. That'll do." he informed Norbert.
~~~The End.
Author's Note: Yes, I know Leonard's wife never had her name revealed in canon. But it felt awkward to always refer to Mrs. Beaver as mom, wife, etc. Here she's named Penny after Leonard Hofstadter's love interest on The Big Bang Theory (not that Leonard Beaver could even spell Big Bang without a few hints.) Reviews are greatly encouraged.