He smiled at him! He smiled at him and he didn't look twice at me! I raged silently, screaming about the unfairness of my mind in my head. I clenched my hands convulsively and gritted my teeth, pulling my jealousy and hurt around me like a cloak. My brother walked beside, oblivious to my pain with his faced flushed in happiness and a bounce in his step.
My dear, sweet, younger brother. The dreamer of our family, who could always be found gazing off into the distance, instead of paying attention to anything around him. I never understood what he could be thinking about, what with all the work that needed to be done. That probably why I was the farmer and he, the shepherd.
I tried making him learn how to plant a garden when we were young. The results were disastrous. He kept planting the seeds too close together and pulling out the herbs instead of the weeds. I remembered how angry our father was, to see a waste of The Lord's gift. I also remembered how my brother's eyes filled up with tears and how I comforted him. It was so much easier back then when we were young and knew our roles.
I was strong one, the one who was the first born in this dusty exile. I grew up knowing nothing but this life and made the best of it. Sometimes I would see my father with a far away look, much like the one that regularly adorned my brother's face, and I knew he was thinking of his first home. A place of paradise. Father called it Eden, but mother called it a prison.
Sometimes I would try to imagine it for myself, a place where fruit dripped from every tree, where the crops yield to the merest touch. But in this land where it was considered a success to find enough firewood for the cold nights, was all I knew and I couldn't imagine anything else.
I did however, imagine one thing. It was a secret wish that took me years to realize I even had. I wished that I could take my brother far away and wander. Away from my parents who did nothing but remember how it used to be before they sinned, away from the cursed place which held my parents thoughts like a rabbit in a snare.
I wanted to see the whole world, maybe find a place comparable to my parent's Eden. I had heard how beautiful and different it all was, and it was my brother's and mine for the taking. I wanted to be the first to see it.
When I was younger, I had wondered if that was what my brother was thinking about when he got that look in his eyes. Once I even asked him. He had told me what he wanted was to meet people, not our parents or our siblings. Others.
I remember being hurt by that. Wasn't he happy enough with us? Didn't he like us? When I had asked him this, hoping, he had looked surprised. He had told me that I was his favorite person in the world, and we would be together forever.
Even then, I heard the unspoken thought in his mind that day, as he hugged me close. Even then, I knew those words weren't true, that the one he loved the most was Him.
Looking back on it, I believe that is when I learned jealousy, when I learned hate.
I remember meeting Him for the first time. I had never felt anything like this before in His presence, not this overwhelming amount of love and acceptance. It had scared me, but at the same time I yearned for more. I wanted to be His favorite, and for a while, I thought I was.
He was the one that taught me how to make an existence in this barren world, how to coax seedlings into plants, and how to work with the dry seasons and the flooding.
Then my little brother came, the dreamer, and everything changed. He was all pink and new, like a flower in bloom in the spring. And he was my brother. I remember being proud that I was the first older brother and he, the first youngest. I took care of him and he deepened on me, it was all either of us wanted, at first.
But brother thirsted for things that I had never thought of, for others and doing things that did not include being a shepherd. It seemed silly to me, but it intrigued Him.
They started going on long walks by the eastern gate, and watched over the sheep as they talked long into the night.
I felt lonely. I had been abandoned by both my brother and Him, stuck with my never there father or mother. With only my plants to comfort me, I wanted even more to leave this place, but I didn't dare. I was too cowardly. I wouldn't be able to stand being completely alone.
I had stood by for years, stuck on the outside but desperately wanting to be inside that circle of warmth and understanding my brother and He shared. I was sick of being alone.
The last yearly sacrifice was the beginning of the end. I have worked steadily during the previous planting, drought, flooding and harvesting seasons, paying minute attention to every detail and problem my crops had. I had wanted to show that I too, was worthy of His love, that I could care for my creations too. Maybe that is why He turned from me, to my brother who didn't do anything but slit a lamb's throat and offer it up to Him as a sacrifice.
That moment was etched into my memory as soon as it occurred. My brother and I had layed out our sacrifices at the gate, waiting for him. I fidgeted and he stared off into the distance as usual, humming a tuneless song. I was confident and happy enough about my crop picks that I was willing to put up with one his ramblings, but he didn't speak.
Then He came. Sweat began to collect on forehead, and my chest was about to burst with nervousness. He would pick me, right? I had toiled the dusty soil that my father couldn't coax even weeds from to make this bountiful harvest, while my brother had done nothing. For once since my birth, I would be acknowledged as someone special.
But it was not to be. He looked at our faces, mine nervous and my brother's vague. He barely even glanced at our bounty. Then He smiled at him, and my world fell apart.
I couldn't fathom why he favored my brother; I couldn't understand anything any more. There was hissing in my ears and my eyes burned.
As we walked home, my brother's steps bouncy and mine defeated, I was overcome with such a rage it left me breathless. I stopped and stood in the middle of the field, trying to breath. The footfalls of my brother slowed and stopped as he noticed I wasn't walking. The dry grass crunched underneath his feet as he made his was over to me. I ignored him, still thinking.
Was it simply because since my brother felt as though he was worthy of His love he thusly became worthy. Is that the reason I am not good enough for a smile from him?
I felt a hand on my arm and started out of my musings. My brother was looking at me with a concerned expression on his face.
What did he know, my little dreamer brother who had never known hard work or loneliness. What comfort could he offer me?
Then he smiled, a smile full of comfort and understanding, with His smile, and I lost it. I couldn't bear to see that smile on his face, to finally feel as though I've been completely shut out, to know that I truly am alone. I had to do something to stop that realization from coming, never mind that it was too late.
So I hit him. I had never hit before, and I did not know how to do it properly now, but still my clumsy punch changed his expression into one of surprise and pain. Good. I kept hitting him, but not hitting him. I felt as though I was hitting against that wall that I couldn't scale, that Eden that everyone was in but me. I wasn't hitting my brother anymore, I was hitting something else.
When I came back to myself, my hands were stained with red, much like how his were when he sacrificed his lamb, and he was on the ground.
As I realized what happened, I couldn't believe it. I had hurt my own brother, the very one I had sworn to protect, to bring with me to see the world. No, it wasn't possible, he was fine and I was fine and it was all a dream and I was standing outside the circle of understanding as usual and soon I would wake up to gather the dew from the plants to water them.
But it wasn't a dream, and I threw myself on the ground, shaking him and crying hot bitter tears. I called his name over and over, but he didn't respond. At that point I was more worried about apologizing to him than his wounds. He would be fine, just like I was when I scratched myself on the thorns of the nastier plants I kept. He would wake up soon.
He lay there, looking up at the sky with unseeing eyes. Unbeknownst to me, he would never wake up. He would become the first resident of His kingdom in the sky, and I had no idea. The idea of Death was inconceivable, and when I had first met it that afternoon it was unrecognizable to me.
I was still crying and holding him when He came up to me. I didn't even look up from whispering into my brother's ear to wake up. I felt His disappointment. I ignored him, waiting for my brother to wake up.
"You never loved me like You loved him, and he never loved me like he loved You." My words began to come out in a rush, I couldn't stop them, "I always feel so alone, I don't know what I did wrong, why am I not good enough for your love?"
He didn't reply, instead pulling from my brother who was going to wake up so and I need to apologize and wrapped me in his arms. I was so startled I didn't know what to do at first. Warmth and comfort enveloped me and I buried my face into his side and began to sob, quietly as to not disturb my brother. This was the first time I had ever been embraced by Him, and I was so happy.
Almost as soon as it began, he gently pushed me away. I looked at him, wiping my eyes with my shirt, not quiet understanding. Why did he push me away? What had I done wrong now?
He looked at me, and he looked at my brother lying in the grass. I still didn't understand what was happening.
His next words shattered my thoughts, twisting and biting at the very core of my being. My brother was not going to wake up. He was gone, somewhere in the sky. I didn't think that was fair. He loved his sheep and his lazy days. I decided to retrieve him. Maybe if I did this he would forgive me. I brightened. And maybe I would become the favored of Him. This could be my task.
"I will find him and bring him back to Mother and Father then." I announced confidently, eyes now dry.
Then I was told a very confusing thing; I couldn't see him, ever again. My brother was doing something, what He called being dead. We were separated forever.
"Why? That isn't fair! You can't take my brother away from me!"
He told me that hurting my brother had caused him to leave, that I had done a very bad thing, something called a sin. And now I was going to be punished forever.
"But, but I didn't know it was a sin! I didn't mean to hurt him! I want my brother back!"
More than anything I wanted my brother's forgiveness, his smiles and his far away looks. I couldn't imagine eternity without him.
Now I was being told to leave my home, my family, everything I had ever known. To make sure I wasn't hurt by anyone else there were other people now He gave me a mark on my forehead, a mark of protection and a mark of sin.
I didn't want it. I wanted to go home. I didn't want to be the first murder, the boogeyman that people use to keep their children in like. I wanted His love and acceptance. I wanted my brother with me to travel the world and be the first men to see it.
Instead, I wandered.