Disclaimer: If you thought I owned CATS, well...your stupidity amazes me greatly!

A/N: This is an idea from Mystitat's page, if you couldn't tell. So...yeah. Oh, and-if it's not funny, please tell me. 'Cause it's meant to be humour, but I can take it down if it's just stupid...

Issues

Chapter One

"Mistoffelees…what is that?" Alonzo pointed at a bright pink mixture with several objects floating in it. His companion, a smaller tuxedo tom, snickered.

"Well, I dunno. What do you think?" he replied innocently.

"Ummm…septic waste?" Alonzo took a wild guess. "It smells like it. It really does. Anybody who cooks up this junk needs help."

"Wrong. It's…" Mr. Mistoffelees paused. "Ummm….I don't know what all's in it. It's my leftovers, sorta."

Alonzo nearly gagged. "Leftovers from what, exactly?" he inquired; a moment later he wished he hadn't asked. Now nasty images were popping up in his mind… "Eurgh, what's this? It looks like a chunk of hair or something." He grimaced.

"Oh, just leftovers." The other cat said. "As for that…" he eyed the object with a distinctly furtive look, driving Alonzo to pick up a broken tv antennae and fish the thing out. It appeared to be a black-and white chunk of cat's fur. 'Wait a second…black and white chunk of…' Alonzo's brain processed. He remembered that bald patch he'd noticed just this morning, and thought he was growing old prematurely! "Misto!" From behind him he heard a pop and he was alone in his friend's lair. Alonzo threw up his paws in despair. "Oh, fine. Be that way. Use your magic to your own advantage, you little hairball." He walked out of the lair, only to bump into Pouncival straight away.

Pouncival pulled a face that reminded Alonzo vaguely of Rum Tum Tugger upon being mobbed by Etcetera, Electra, Jemima, and Victoria. "What's that vile smell?"

"You!" said Tumblebrutus to Pouncival, then rolled around on the ground laughing at his own joke.

"That was such a lame comeback."

"Why do I care, Poke-ball?"

"It's Pouncival, so quit acting stupid…"

"Ok, ok, Pikachu."

"Just shut up, you son of a Polli-"

"Both of you be quiet!" bellowed Alonzo. "It's just some gross potion that Misto's cooking up-as usual."

"Oh!" chorused the two younger toms. "What's it like?" Pouncival added curiously.

"It's pink, and sickening, probably another lame attempt at a love potion for Vic." Said Alonzo, recalling the last time Mistoffelees had tried his paw at love potions…well, let's just say the outcome included claws and a screaming queen. Alonzo shrugged. "Well, I'm off-gonna go find Jemima. Catch you later." He left, not noticing Pounce and Tumble exchanging identical evil grins as they snuck off toward's the magician's lair.

Mr. Mistoffelees stretched and yawned and opened his eyes as the bright sunlight from outside streamed into his little den. He yawned again, then frowned; he felt a little sick from eating last night's cat food. 'It must've been a different kind,' he thought. 'Oh well.' Mistoffelees shrugged and went out.

"And then I turned into a giant pokeball and ate Plato! And Macavity superglued Etcetera to a dead penguin and started throwing flaming bowling balls made out of swiss cheese at us!" Pouncival prattled to Victoria, who was looking more disturbed by the second. "And then-" he noticed Mistoffelees, and began to writhe on the ground, laughing hysterically.

"Er, Pouncival?" said the black cat ever-so-politely. "Do you need to go lie down?" Pouncival managed to regain composure at this comment. Somewhat.

"Uh, no, I'm fine!" he said, straight-faced. "Just remembering my dream as I told it to Vicky…it was, uh, really funny!"

"I thought you said it was a nightmare!" objected the white kitten.

"I was, um, being sarcastic!" said Pouncival, reddening. He started into the endless rant about his subconscious's thoughts again. "And then we all used dead salamanders to repel his diabolical forces and…"

Mr. Mistoffelees walked away, shaking his head, and saw Alonzo wave him over. "How's the pink septic waste going?" he asked jokingly. Misto frowned.

"You know, 'Lonz, I think I misplaced it." He remarked. "I was looking for it last night before I went to bed and I couldn't seem to find it anywhere!"

"How do misplace a beaker full of bright pink crap?"

"I don't know!"

"Oh well." Alonso shrugged at him. "It was pretty nasty." Mistoffelees nodded. The two cats had nothing to do, so they began to wander the junkyard aimlessly, discussing turnip-and-eggplant pies in their boredom. Suddenly Mistoffelees's eyes became as wide as saucers and he stared straight ahead, stiff as a board. Alonzo looked strangely at him.

"Are you…okay?"

"Very…pretty…very…pretty…" Mistoffelees chanted in a monotone, a demonic glint lighting his eyes. "So…prettyyyyyy…" Suddenly he shot past Alonzo in a blur of black-and-white, and pounced on something.

Something pink.

Alonzo continued to stare at his friend. Well, he'd always known Mistoffelees to be a teeny tiny bit off his rocker…ok, maybe a bit more than that…but anybody who attacked pink objects seemed to be completely insane, perhaps beyond any help he knew of! Finally a panting Mistoffelees sat on the ground, entranced, staring at the broken, pink, Tupperware bowl he'd just chased.

"Pretty…" he intoned in the same hypnotized voice. "Soooo….pretty…" Alonzo, after staring at Mistoffelees a bit longer, jerked himself back to reality by hitting himself with a TV.

"Damn, that hurt!" he muttered, then walked over to his friend who was still mumbling about 'pretty'. "You need serious help," he told the cat, hoisting him up off the ground. Luckily, Misto was in such a trance that he didn't resist.

You see, it only so happened that Alonzo's humans were a pair of psychiatrists-which, admittedly, could make life living hell sometimes, they were so weird, but in this case it proved to be a useful tool. After all, they were always making crazy, harebrained analysis's about his behaviour, so…glancing about the junkyard, Alonzo pulled the still-entranced tom out of the 'yard and started down the street, his friend in tow.

As soon as they reached the next block, Alonzo breathed a sigh of relief. Mr. Mistoffelees hadn't started spazzing since they had left the junkyard, thank the Everlasting Cat.

Alonzo must've jinxed himself, or something like that.

"PRETTYYYYYY!"

A moment too late, Alonzo noticed a little girl in a pink dress walking down the sidewalk with her mother, and a small tuxedo tom sprinting towards her.

Boy, would Alonzo have a story to tell Pouncival and Tumblebrutus when he got back…

A/N: Dare I ask for reviews?

.:bounces around:. RENT is officially rated PG-13, RENT is officially rated PG-13…sorry, being weird. But it is! So I can see it! Wheeee!

Okay, I'm done making weird, off-topic remarks. So here's one on topic: Why don't you go send me a review? Cause I'll update if you do! (unless you flame me, in which case…I'll go burn my school to the ground. Muahahahaa.)

Veel liefs,

Eponine