An Un-Hoppy Easter
By Kawaii Li'l Matt Ishida
Matt, everyone's favorite angsty blonde bishounen, has locked himself in Lia's office, and everyone is starting to freak out. Tai, Izzy, and Joe have all dislocated their shoulders trying to bust the door down, and the girls are all wailing. Matt refuses to speak to anyone, and they're all trying to figure out what the hell he's been doing.
"Matt? Are you moping in there?" T.K. questioned.
"No."
"Are you planning to murder one of us?" Tai asked.
"No."
"Are you looking at P***mon hentai?" Izzy suggested.
"No."
"Are you cooking?" Gomamon queried.
"No."
"Are you building an interositer?"
"What?"
"He doesn't get the joke, Gomie. He's not fun," Shadowmon sighed.
"I thought we got rid of you cuz Nicki doesn't want to have anything to do with us anymore," Sora mentioned.
"She's too busy watching Invader Zim and cuddling with her real boyfriend," Izzy hissed, giving everyone "Dark Koushiro" looks.
"Nope! For the sake of Lia's Logistics, Nicki and I stay. Nicki just won't have much to do around here anymore and I'm sorta in Lia's custody."
"WHAT?!" Wizardmon howled, freaking.
"So what are you doing in there?" Ken asked, politely tapping on the door.
"Typing the fanfic, what do you think I'm doing?" Matt replied sourly.
"Umm, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Lia have a hissy fit the last time somebody took the fanfic without her permission?" Yolei pointed out.
"She gave me permission since she's…she's…IN SOUTH CAROLINA!" he wailed, banging his fist on the desk.
"Why would Lia bother going to South Carolina? In Fanfic Land she's Japanese and in Real Actual Human Being Life she's from Massachusetts. So what's the point?" Joe inquired.
"It's a church group thing. They're down there doing a Habitat for Humanity house," Cody replied. The all-knowing Cody strikes again.
"Why would anyone want to give up April Vacation to work?" Mimi quipped.
Just then Willis came flying down the hallway, screaming black-and-blue bloody murder.
"IT'S A TRAGEDY! IT'S A TRAVESTY! IT'S…"
"Willis!" everyone shouted in surprise. He stopped short, looking perplexed for a moment, then went back into full freak-out mode.
"What you talking bout, Willish?" Veemon asked.
"Arukenimon, she…"
Archnemon popped out of nowhere, looking very irate. "Listen to me, small child. I don't care what they call me in America. We ain't in America, there is no Cracker Barrel or Howard Johnson's for miles, you call me by my Japanese name cuz we be in Japan. Understood? No Beanie Babying IHOP eating do you want me to supersize it GAP jean Old Navy Disneyland punk is going to call me Arukenimon in the land of the sushi the sumo and the samurai, not to mention Hello Kitty."
"Y-yessum."
And Archnemon took her leave again.
"Archnemon did something awful to the Easter Bunny! I think she ate him!"
"Riiiiight. And you want us to do…what?" Tai questioned.
"Well, um, see, Terriermon has to temp for the Easter Bunny until the High Council of Easter-ness can find a replacement rabbit so…"
Lopmon started tugging on Willis's pants leg. "Whaddabout me, Willis? What do I get to do?"
"You can be…the Passover Bunny!" Davis cried. "For the Jewish kids!"
"And what about everyone else that isn't Christian or Jewish, eh?" Gabumon questioned.
"Biyomon can be the Spring Chicken," Tentomon suggested.
"SHUT UP, NIMOY BUG!" Nicki shouted, taking a mallet to the annoying insect.
"Riiiiiiiight," the APT (that's Austin Powers Trio, folks) said in a Dr. Evil unison.
"Speaking of Dr. Evil," Matt pointed out, putting his two cents in, "anyone else notice Ken's school uniform is a Dr. Evil costume?"
"Oh yeah!" they all shouted.
"Hello?! Is anyone going to help me? We have to get Easter Baskets…"
"And Passover Baskets…"
"And Spring Chicken Baskets…"
"Yeah, whatever. We've got to haul some serious cottontail. Digidestined, let's go!"
Matt groaned and started banging his head against the wall. "Why did Lia have to leave me with the mental cases? Why did she have to go to South Carolina? WHY? WHYYYYY?"
~*~
Meanwhile, in South Carolina…
"Oh. My. God. I can't move," Lia moaned, flopping onto a bed. She's coated from head-to-toe in spackle and about as red as your standard…um, red digimon. Elecmon! There we go, red as your standard Elecmon. Sandy, Brooke, and Melody nodded, not paying too much attention. Demidevimon, well, it's Lia's Wizardmon travel-sized for her convenience, was hanging upside-down from a closet rod, napping. Lia pulled out her D-Terminal and started frantically emailing.
"Dear Matt,
Hope everything is good. I hurt. Miss you a lot. I'd tell you more, but I'm going for a hot soak and twenty tons of aloe vera. Hugs and kisses, Lia."
"Your boyfriend?" Brooke asked. Lia nodded.
"He's so sweet. He's such a kind, loving, gentle person."
~*~
"I hate you! I hate every one of you! I hope you all die and go to Hell!" Matt shouted. Tai and the other guys were hysterical, and the girls were fawning all over him.
"Come on, Matt. Somebody has to do it, and you're the one who lost the draw," Gabumon mentioned.
"YOU RIGGED THE DRAW! IT'S WILLIS'S RABBITS, WILLIS SHOULD BE DOING THIS, NOT ME!"
Matt was dressed in floppy rabbit ears, gloves, bow tie, and cottontail. He's livid.
"I refuse to take part in this. I will not do it. No. I put my foot down here. I'm in charge of this fanfic, therefore I do not have to put up with this."
He snapped his fingers and transported himself out of the hideous bunny suit and into a tank top and a pair of board shorts, promptly plopping into a beach chair and having some bikini-clad tanned supermodel wait on him hand and foot.
"T.K., for making me stay up half the night to type that project on Islam for you, I sentence you to Bunny Detail."
"NO! Have pity on me! I'm your brother!"
Sora casually walked over to Matt's beach chair and stared down at him.
"Look, if you miss Lia that much, do the Almighty Author thing and zap her over here. It's what any rocket scientist would do."
"I can't! Lia left specific instructions and she said if I made her come back to Japan early she'd throw me to the Nimoy. I don't wanna go to the Nimoy! It was that, or she'd do a Ranma ½ crossover and dump me into Drowned Girl Springs. I don't wanna be the Tree-Borne Kettle Girl!"
So leave me alone!
Sora ran back to the group screaming. "HE HAS AUTHOR BOLDFACE TYPING!!"
~*~
After much argument and stuff, the Digidestined boarded Imperialdramon and headed off to the top secret Easter Bunny Headquarters, located (where else?) on Easter Island. A hoard of Cadbury Crème Egg bunnies, all going "bawkbawkbawkbawk," led the crew to the big ol' Easter/Passover/Spring Chicken basket department. The set looks like an Easter do-up of the Santa Clause set. The Cadbury Crème Egg bunnies led the Digidestined to a big green door. The nearest kid, Davis, rapped on the door. A bunny in a big green hat poked its floppy-eared head out of a hole in the door.
"Who goes there?"
"We do," the assembled coalition of kids and monsters replied.
"Well, what do you want?"
"We're here to fill in for the Easter Bunny," Gatomon said.
"Nobody gets in to be the Easter Bunny. Not nobody, not no how."
"Great, you put me through all this agony and we don't even get in. I hope you're happy, Willis, because you've now completely destroyed me," Matt sighed in a very Goth T.K. tone of voice.
"Did you say Willis? The witch's Willis?"
"If you're talking about Yolei, then you've got your man," T.K. snickered.
"HEY!"
"Well, that's a Peep of a different color! Come in, come in."
"Matt, this story is about as pointless as one of Lia's. What the hell do you think you're doing?" Tai hissed as the hatted rabbit led them around the top secret Easter Bunny Headquarters.
"Well, it is one of Lia's. She wrote it out on a Steno pad and I'm typing it. This is all from her sick, twisted mind. Her sick, twisted mind, and her soft hands, and her warm smile, and her bright eyes, and her…"
"YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME THROW UP! SHUT UP NOW, YOU F***ING BLONDE A** OR I'LL F***ING KILL YOU, YOU SON-OF-A-B****!" Nicki cursed, shaking him violently by the collar. Izzy shook a can of mace and sprayed it in her face.
"Down, girl!"
"It's okay, Matt. We all know Lia manipulated you to be her love slave," Mimi said pointedly.
"She did not manipulate me! Is it my fault the producers decided to portray me as a heartless bastard and that's the impression everybody got? Is it my fault Lia is away and that ten days in South Carolina is nine days, twenty three hours, fifty nine minutes and fifty eight seconds more than I can stand to be away from her? She's the only somewhat sane person around here! The rest of you are all fruit loops!"
"Hey, let's wrap Matt up in cellophane, lock him in a closet, and spread some Easter cheer," Shadowmon suggested.
The rest of the Digidestined proceeded to do so, going off to run amok in Bunny Headquarters.
~*~
Two hours later, Matt emerged from said closet, free of the cellophane. The others were loading Easter baskets onto Imperialdramon, the majority of the crew coated in chocolate. Willis stood next to his rabbits, who watched the whole procession proudly. Terriermon had a little pink bow tie on and had a basket around one paw. Lopmon was wearing a yarmulke and holding a sprig of Passover greens. Biyomon was wearing a bunny-ears headband and a flower wreath.
"This is so pointless. If Killer Psycho Matt weren't in charge I'd bail out," Tai grumbled.
"I know, but he's really depressed and I don't want to aggravate him," Sora whispered.
"Where to first?" Willis questioned.
"SOUTH CAROLINA!" Matt shouted.
"No! No South Carolina!" the APT howled.
"If we go to South Carolina first, will you shut up for the rest of the fanfic and go back to being your silent angsty self until Lia comes home?" Joe haggled.
"Yes."
"To South Carolina!"
Half an instant later, Imperialdramon touched down in South Carolina. Terriermon, Lopmon, and Biyomon ran around delivering baskets like mad.
"Where's she staying again?" Kari asked.
"The Faith/Hope Houses," Gatomon stated.
"Ew! Faith and Hope! That's like me and Lia! Gross!" T.K. gagged.
Just then smokescreens went off and hokey background music started up.
"Oh no, why here and now?" Ken whined.
"Prepare for trouble!"
"Make it double!"
"To infect the Digiworld with devastation!"
"To smite the Digidestined in every nation!"
"To…"
"SHUT UP!" Nicki screeched.
"Well, she's good for something," Shadowmon sighed.
"We destroyed the Easter Bunny once and we'll do it again. Right Mummymon?"
"Anything for you, my darling precious cupcake."
"Shut up and destroy them."
"Righty-o. Snake bandage!"
"Spider thread!"
"Let's give them a taste of their own medicine, hyped-up fanfic style," Tai ordered.
"Yeah! Let's make 'em hide with the Easter eggs!" Davis added.
"WAIT!" came a frantic shout. Matt turned quickly, noticing someone hurrying down the street with a digimon trailing behind her.
"LIA!!!!!!"
"How'd she get here? We're nowhere near Charleston," Yolei sighed.
"I called in a few favors. Remind me to thank Van later. Ready guys?"
"We've been ready for a whole paragraph," Sora mumbled.
"Then everybody digivolve!" Tai yelled, nearly swiping his goggles back.
Lia's A/N: I'm breaking my own rule of "never list all
the digivolutions" for the sake of cuz I feel like it.
And Matt's A/N: And probably the attacks, just for
good measure.
"Agumon, warp digivolve to…Wargreymon!"
"Gabumon, warp digivolve to…Metalgarurumon!"
"Biyomon, digivolve to…Birdramon!"
"Birdramon, digivolve to…Garudamon!"
"Palmon, digivolve to…Togemon!"
"Togemon, digivolve to…Lillymon!"
"Tentomon, digivolve to…Kabuterimon!"
"Kabuterimon, digivolve to…Megakabuterimon!"
"Gomamon, digivolve to…Ikkakumon!"
"Ikkakumon, digivolve to…Zudomon!"
"Patamon, digivolve to…Angemon!"
"Angemon, digivolve to…MagnaAngemon!"
"Gatomon, digivolve to…Angewomon!"
"Veemon, digivolve to…Exveemon!"
"Hawkmon, digivolve to…Aquilamon!"
"Armadillomon, digivolve to…Ankylomon!"
"Wormmon, digivolve to…Stingmon!"
"Exveemon, Stingmon, jogress digivolve to…Paildramon!"
"Paildramon, mega digivolve to…Imperialdramon!"
"Demidevimon, digivolve to…Wizardmon!"
"Shadowmon, digivolve to…Leonaramon!"
"Terriermon, digivolve to…Galgomon!"
"Lopmon, digivolve to…Wendimon!"
Lia's A/N: Leonaramon, the ultimate form of Shadowmon.
She's basically a kawaii chick Leomon. Well, she is his niece after all.
"I hate listing all this. I don't know why I did it. To make an impression, I think," Lia sighed, hugging Matt very, very tightly.
"Ack, can't breathe. Lia? Choking!" Matt wheezed.
"Oh great. We're probably going to die now," Mummymon sighed.
"Being pessimistic is my job!" Wizardmon shouted. "Hey, why can't I be ultimate?"
"Because I said so. Hey, in the card game you can jogress to Silphymon with Gatomon, same as Aquilamon. Ya wanna try?"
"NO!"
"Hello? You kids? The ones that wasted an entire page listing everyone's digivolutions? We're still here, and we're still trying to destroy you!" Archnemon cried, waving a hand.
"Oh, is that so?" Wargreymon questioned sarcastically.
I'M NOT WRITING ALL THE ATTACKS! I HURT!
I'm not either!
"GAH! Too much Author Boldface!" Mimi howled, shielding her eyes.
Archnemon and Mummymon got the bright idea to start chucking rotten Easter eggs at us, and now we all smell like Perm Day at the hair salon.
"And I just took my shower!" Lia griped.
"Shall we go with melted chocolate bunnies from last year and some stale Marshmallow Peeps, my darling?" Mummymon suggested.
"Whatever."
And so, we were plastered with rotten Easter egg, melted year-old bunny, and stale Marshmallow Peep. Archnemon threw that plastic Easter grass on us, and then it all went downhill from there.
"Ugh! I can't get this stuff off me!" Cody groaned.
"For the love of Peter Cottontail, just list the attacks!" Willis wailed.
"Terra force!"
"Metal wolf claw!"
"Wing blade!"
"Flower cannon!"
"Horn buster!"
"Vulcan's hammer!"
"Gate of destiny!"
"Celestial arrow!"
"Mega crusher!" (um, that is Imperialdramon's attack, right?)
"Grand horn!"
"Tail hammer!"
"Magical game!"
"Wild fury!"
"Gatling arm!" (Galgomon's Japanese attack)
"Something-or-other-that-I-don't-remember!" (Wendimon)
Happy?
"Yes!" the other Digidestined chorused. Zudomon uprooted a fire hydrant and hosed us down.
"Ah, I give in. Let's go stamp some plot holes into Japan," Archnemon said, taking off.
"Toodles!" Mummymon added. And they rode off in their yellow Jeep, shouting…
"LOOKS LIKE TEAM ROCKET IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN!"
"QUIT RIPPING US OFF!" Nicki and Shadowmon (the digimon all devolved, well, except Imperialdramon, we need him) hollered.
"So we're done? Then let's finish bunny hopping and go home," Tai sighed.
"I need a nap," Davis whimpered.
Demidevimon came over and perched on Lia's shoulder.
"Guess this is goodbye for another couple days," she muttered.
"Let me stay with you! I'll pay my own way! Just don't leave me with these nutjobs!" Matt whispered frantically.
"Leave him. It'll be fun to hear about how much the pipsqueaks hassled him without you around," DemiD suggested enthusiastically.
Lia kissed Matt on the cheek and turned to head back towards her "motel."
"Sorry, Yama-chan, but somebody's gotta keep them in line and I trust you most."
"Shot down!" T.K. hollered from Imperialdramon as a defeated-looking Matt trudged over.
"Shut up, Gilligan. At least I haven't been coupled with every single Digidestined in a fanfic, including Willy there."
Everyone sweatdropped and began twitching.
"And you have a whole 'nother nine days of me in charge," Matt added, rubbing his hands together wickedly.
"I'd rather take my chances with Nimoy and Buchholz," Gomamon mumbled.
~*~
All right, it wasn't very Easter-y or Passover-y or whatever, but I wanted to get this done and posted right away. I'll see all of you, my friends, really soon. Promise!
And Sandrilene,
Ken and I will help you out as best as we can.
Yup. So nobody
give Sandrilene (now called Sandrilene Anastasia) a hard time while I'm gone or
you'll all be hearing from me! Understood? Good!