Of Love and War
An episode of Xena; Warrior Princess, by Julie Verne.
Xena and Gabrielle were walking through the forest, Argo trailing behind them, his reins in Xena's hands. Gabrielle was talking about how sound travels faster than light. Xena was obviously not interested. She stopped, raised a hand and the back of it hit Gabrielle just above her breast. Gabrielle looked down, sighed and stopped.
"I wish you'd stop doing that," she said in a slightly wistful voice.
"Quiet. We're being followed. Wait here."
Xena plunged off into the bushes, sword still in scabbard.
"Great," Gabrielle said, rolling her eyes and taking Argo's reins.
Deeper in the forest there was a team of bandits. They were grubby and snarled at each other in harsh voices.
"We will steal the nightgown of the goddess Aphrodite!" One told the others loudly.
"Why not the jewels?" Asked another marauder, picking at his teeth with a dagger.
"They may have more immediate value, but the nightgown… oh yes. Many a man will bid for that beauty."
Xena, carefully concealed in the bushes, overheard their plan.
"This night we will sneak in through the topmost window. Once inside we will not be stopped. But now – we rest." The naughty men started to set up camp as Xena made her way back to her beloved friend.
Gabrielle was sitting on a rock when Xena came back. She seemed to be talking to herself.
"And then, once I have the undergarments, the plan will be complete."
"Gabrielle, we must move out. Aphrodite's temple is going to be robbed tonight." Gabrielle stood and carefully brushed at her skirt, watching as Xena's eyes followed her hands.
"Okay Xena, but how do you know?"
"I overheard them in the forest."
"So why didn't you stop them there?"
"I have other plans for them." At this the corners of Xena's mouth quirked upwards in a smirk. "But first we need Joxer."
Gabrielle simply rolled her eyes and trailed behind Xena, her eyes trailing the distance between her boots and her skirt.
Fortunately Joxer was in the nearby village, buying a steel pot.
"Ah yes, this will make a fine helmet," he said to the salesman, who looked at him strangely. A hand rested on his shoulder and he spun around, managing to fall over in the process.
"Oh, hey Xena. Do you like my helmet?" Joxer asked, putting the pot on his head.
"No time for that," Xena said in a brisk, businesslike voice, "We've got work to do." Dragging the hapless Joxer to his feet, she set off to a tavern.
Gabrielle was waiting inside the tavern. She was eating a bowl of mush and drinking heavily from a clay mug. The woman beside her repeatedly filled it whenever Gabrielle angrily slapped it back on the table.
"But does she care?" Gabrielle continued her rant. "No! All this chaffing and not an ounce of comfort in sight. Fill it up again." She snarled at the maiden serving her. The door was flung open and all eyes turned to see Xena's armor gleaming in the sun. Gabrielle's face softened from anger to longing and Xena strode over and emptied her mug in a single gulp.
"Not now, Gabrielle, we have to put this plan in action."
"What plan?" Joxer said. Gabrielle grabbed her staff and her sack of scrolls and followed Xena to a dark corner of the tavern. She looked disappointed when Joxer followed them.
"We know that they are after the nightgown of Aphrodite. And I think I know how to stop them."
"But why a nightgown? Wouldn't it make more sense to take jewels, or offerings? Or maidens?" She said, a far off look in her eyes.
"No, they plan to sell it off to the highest bidder. It must hold some special power that they want. If only I knew what it was."
Suddenly Ares appeared. No one else in the tavern looked surprised, but Gabrielle's face turned into a sneer. Joxer fell over in surprise, and again, no one looked surprised.
"Quite right, my little warrior." Ares said. "The nightgown holds the power of beauty. Anyone who wears it will become instantly irresistibly beautiful. How I'd love to see you in it." He said, his gaze resting on her 33DD breastplate, drifting down to her skirt, her well toned thighs. Gabrielle stood up, holding her staff provocatively.
"How do we know you're telling the truth? What do you get out of this?" Ares laughed.
"You don't know if I'm telling the truth. And I want you to stop them from taking that gown. Of course, I don't mind if people steal from 'Dite, but stealing from the gods is another matter. You remember the matter of the sword… If Aphrodite loses her power, the world will be thrown into chaos. Not that I mind, obviously, but it seems stupid to fight over only one woman. Over a harem, understandable. But if they steal that gown, other mortals will start thinking about stealing other things from the gods." Ares arched his eyebrows and pursed his lips. "Get it?" He disappeared and Gabrielle relaxed.
"He has a point, Gabrielle," Xena said, resting a reassuring hand on the fair headed Amazon's arm. Gabrielle snarled.
"So how do we stop them from stealing the nightgown, Xena? Do we hit them with a stick until they promise to be good?"
"No. That sounds more like one of your plans. I have a better plan."
At this Joxer and Gabrielle leaned in closer to Xena, to better hear her plan. Except that Joxer was looking down Gabrielle's skimpy top. She didn't notice or hurt him because she was too busy trying to see down Xena's breastplate. Xena didn't notice because she was too busy revealing the plan, repeating the words 'nightgown', 'naked' and 'frisky'. Neither Gabrielle nor Joxer took any notice of the plan, too focused on their own thoughts.
"So, is that clear?" Both Gabrielle and Joxer nodded, their eyes never leaving their targets. "Good," said Xena, reaching for her mug. Gabrielle snapped out of it and noticed Joxer looking down her top. She swiped him over the head with her staff and he fell off his seat, sprawling on the ground again.
Again no one took any notice. It was just another normal day.
The trio (and gender-ambiguous horse) were once again traipsing through the forest.
"The temple is just over that hill." Xena stopped, standing, her legs akimbo, her stance manly, her hand shielding her eyes from the sun. "Are you sure you both know what to do?" She asked.
"Sure, get the gown and get naked." Gabrielle said absentmindedly. Xena looked at her in confusion.
"That's not the plan I remember," she said. Gabrielle shook her head.
"Oh the plan! Yes, I know."
"Good. Now, I'm going fishing." With that Xena strode over the long grass toward a stream. Joxer and Gabrielle rolled their eyes and followed her.
Aphrodite was lounging in her temple.
"I really wish those mortals would stop offering me fish," she sighed, running a hand through her luxurious hair. "It really stinks up the place."
There was a flash and Ares appeared before her. "Ah yes, I've been expecting you," she said, rising slowly to her feet. "Is everything in place?" she asked coming closer, her hips swinging.
"Yes, 'Dite. They will be here by nightfall."
"I'm surprised you consented to work on this with me."
"What can I say? I love a bit of chaos." Aphrodite smiled.
"So do I."
Xena stood on the shore. Gabrielle was slumped on a rock and Joxer was swinging his sword at a tree, hoping to impress her. He didn't, as he missed, lost his balance and fell over again. Gabrielle didn't even turn to watch and laugh, as she usually did. Instead she looked at all the fish.
"What are you going to do with them all?"
"Offer them to Aphrodite," Xena said with a smirk. Gabrielle grinned back.
"I have to say I like this part of the plan."
"Yes, while I'm placing these on the altar, you two get the gown and get into place. Those barbarians should be getting close soon, and we'll be ready for them."
In the temple Aphrodite watched in disgust as Xena, cleverly disguised as a peasant, placed fish on her altar.
She appeared in front of her.
"Xena, Xena, Xena, you of all people should know better than to bring me fish."
"Shut up, it's for your own good," Xena snarled. "Thieves are coming to sack your temple and steal your nightgown."
"Oh dear, are they?" Aphrodite smirked. "Whatever shall I do?"
"Just stay out of it. We can't let that gown fall into the wrong hands."
"Any hands but yours are the wrong hands, aren't they Xena," Ares said, appearing behind her. She rolled her eyes.
"Ares, you stay out of this."
"I don't see why I should, seeing as how I asked those soldiers to steal the gown myself."
Xena's eyes narrowed and from above there was a yell as four men jumped from the high windows into the room. Xena assessed the situation instantly and threw a fish at a man drawing his sword before flipping backwards, kicking one man in the head. Both gods smiled and disappeared.
In the back rooms of the temple Gabrielle and Joxer were searching for the gown. Joxer pulled out several items of lingerie and looked confused. Gabrielle saw what he was holding and twisted his ear until he dropped them.
"Okay, ow, what was that for?" he asked.
"We're looking for a nightgown, not stealing underwear." Gabrielle growled.
"Well, don't get your panties in a twist." Joxer said, then burst into laughing as he realized what he said. Gabrielle stuck the side of his head with her staff. He fell over, knocking the lid off of a trunk. Inside the gown shimmered and shone, brilliant and beautiful. Gabrielle breathed in in awe. Then her gaze was wrenched away as she heard the sound of Xena's war cry. She bundled the gown out of the trunk.
Xena drew her chakram and it bounced from wall to wall, hitting two of her enemies in the face, a third on his bum. With a self-satisfied smirk she drew her sword. But before she could show off her impressive fighting skills, another four men fell from the window. One kicked her firmly in the back and she fell, unconscious. Ares laughed. Aphrodite looked worried. The men drew their swords and headed to the back of the temple. Before they reached the door, a beautiful figure stood before them, dressed in a white, revealing, flowing gown. Her back was to them, her shapely legs long and supple through the transparency. The men drew their breaths.
"Be mine," said the leader, drawing his sword and kneeling before her, both hands on the hilt, his head bowed.
"No, mine!" said another, copying his pose. A third man looked at them both and drew his sword as well. He ran the first two men through and turned to face the others. There was a struggle, interspersed with sparse sentences.
"She's mine, you fool!"
"You will die for your insolence!"
"Only I am worthy of this vision!"
There was only one survivor and he stepped up to the vision of loveliness.
"I'm yours, your loveliness. Do with me what you will."
The figure turned, and Joxer smiled coyly behind his veil.
"Oh yes," he said in a high-pitched voice. "You're all mine, big boy."
Xena looked up from where she had fallen and smiled. The man in front of Joxer was torn between desire and confusion, but made up for it by grabbing Joxer and kissing him desperately. Gabrielle stepped out from behind Joxer and thwacked the man on the head with her staff.
"Hey, that wasn't in the plan!" Joxer said accusingly, wiping his mouth and spitting. Gabrielle rolled her eyes.
"Yes it was, if only you had listened," Xena smirked.
"Hey, if this gown is supposed to make me irresistible, how come you two are resisting me?" He asked, one again accusing them.
"Oh Joxer, you're too much woman for me," Xena said, rolling her eyes. Joxer pulled out the two oranges that formed his cleavage and put them in the offering bowl. He turned to Gabrielle and puckered his lips. Once again he was knocked over the head with her staff. He crumpled to the ground again. Gabrielle strolled over to Xena.
"So, you owe me now. I had to look at him… without his shirt on. It was disgusting. I swear I'm scarred for life."
"Never mind that now Gabrielle, we need that gown." Xena started undressing Joxer, not a feat for the lighthearted. Soon Joxer was clad only in his pink and green boxers and Xena held the gown up triumphantly.
"One thing, Xena, why didn't you tell me to wear the gown instead of Joxer. It makes sense."
"Gabrielle, I didn't want to get distracted. Besides, I didn't think it would work on you, you're so alluring already." Gabrielle smiled as Xena ran her hand through her hair. She rested her hand on Xena's waist.
"But wait, what are we going to do with the gown?"
Xena smiled mischievously.
"We're going to play dress-ups." She said.
Their arms around each others' waists, they left the temple. Joxer groaned as he sprawled next to the altar. He rolled over when he heard someone else groaning. The man who kissed him was still alive. A smile crept over Joxer's face as he crawled towards the man.
"Yes, you're all mine, big boy."
Behind him Aphrodite and Ares smiled at each other and disappeared. They were making the world a happier place, one man at a time.
I found this on an old hard-drive, I have no idea when it was written but it was my first foray into fanfiction, apparently. Crack-fic, most likely. Sorry. Enjoy.