The Five Stages of Love
Summery: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. These are the 5 stages normally associated with bereavement but Sawyer's found another use for them…
Pairing: Primarily Skate, mentions of Sana. Also, slight Jack bashing, but that's only because it's sort of from Sawyer's POV and he's jealous
Spoilers for: Everything up to 3:06, but more specifically, The Confidence Man, The Hunting Party, The Long Con, ?, Two for the Road, The Glass Ballerina and I Do. One for Fire and Water too, but it's a blink and you miss it reference.
Disclaimer: Lost belongs to someone who isn't me. I just like to borrow their characters from time to time.
Hi all, this little idea popped into my head when I was in the library, and before I knew it, I was writing it instead of revising. I'm quite pleased with it, and I hope you enjoy reading it.
'Til next time.
Denial
He'd never been in love before and he wasn't intending to start now, on this goddamn island, Polar bears, boars and god knows what else were enough to contend with for one month, without having to spare a second thought towards any developing feelings.
Kate was pretty. There was no denying that, and yes, if the opportune moment were to arise, he would sleep with her- to satisfy himself and to screw with Jack and the annoyingly clichéd romance story he and Kate seemed to be a part of. He would even go as far to say that he felt a certain thrill whenever she was spending time with him, and jealous when she was not. But that was only because the only other passable women on the island were taken up with other men.
And she was an outsider, like him. She didn't, and couldn't look down on him all the time, because she was a murderer too, and had he mentioned how pretty she was? He'd kissed her. Once. But only to dispel the growing tension between them. And it had worked. He hadn't thought about her in weeks. Honestly.
Anger
It's strange how much you can forget about certain people when you've been away for a while. What with the raft, meeting the tailies and nearly dying in the jungle, Sawyer had almost forgotten how he felt about several of his fellow survivors. Kate being one. How annoying Jack could be, being another.
They'd been out hunting for Michael, and Sawyer had passed a comment about Jack's dictator-like stance about who got to accompany them. Naturally, it was only people that he disliked, on the off chance they got into trouble. Jack had responded childishly, and had accused him of taking Kate's side because he was falling for her.
It was a few hours later that Sawyer discovered that he was right, when Kate was held at gunpoint. The rush of emotions he'd felt in those minutes were no longer deniable, and all that was left was to wonder what the Hell he could do about it.
He, James Ford was in love. It was incredible, surprising and totally wrong. He was a conman, and as of the week before boarding the fateful flight, he was a murderer. Love wasn't something he had ever assumed he was capable of; something that he never would have been capable of, if it wasn't for their crash.
It was her fault of course. He couldn't pinpoint the moment that his simple crush had become something more, but he suspected it was around the time she began to act like his nursemaid- Spending time with him; pressing herself up against him while he did his stretches- it was almost as if she'd wanted it to happen.
But now that he stopped to really think about it, it could easily have happened pre-raft, as far back as the night they'd stayed up late and played 'I Never' in the firelight.
However, regardless of dates or times, one thing was clear in his mind. This was her fault, for leading him on, and he had to do something to get her away from his body, so she would get out of his mind. So he'd tricked her, used her, and took control of the island's weaponry.
Not that he needed it, or even that he particularly wanted the guns, you understand. But it was a clever plan, it had pushed Kate away, and perhaps most pleasing of all, he had gotten to Jack. Because naturally, this entire set of circumstances was his fault too.
Bargaining.
He'd taken a gamble and he'd lost. He'd just slept with Ana Lucia, because surely, if he slept with another woman, that meant he couldn't love Kate, right? Unfortunately for him, he'd been wrong, for now the feelings of love were accompanied by harsh, burning feelings of shame.
It had happened when Kate and Jack had been off, 'stuck in a net' together, but it hadn't happened because he was jealous, or even because of Ana's attempt to injure him by referring to Kate as his girlfriend.
No, it was because he'd felt nothing but lust when she kissed him, and that had been exactly what he needed. To feel free, and to act like the way he had before the island. And somehow, he'd hoped that when it was all over, he wouldn't care about Kate anymore. Because that ked to heartache, and he didn't want any more of that in his life than was necessary.
Depression
Ana had been killed, along with Libby, and now new feelings were bombarding him from all angles, regret and misery temporarily overcoming his self hatred and pity.
If he could, he would turn back the clock, and rebuff Ana's advances. But then again, would he feel worse now if he had?
He'd noticed Kate walking alone into the jungle in the direction of the hatch. Towards the scene of their deaths. He'd followed at a distance and the lost look on her face hurt him all the more, knowing there was nothing he could say to her to make her feel any better.
He'd found her crying in the hatch, and when he held her, she hadn't resisted. If there ever had been any doubt remaining, in that time he was made certain that he loved her, more than he had ever loved his parents, and more than he could ever love himself.
But what made his heart cry out more than Ana's death was that he knew he could never tell her. Because she looked at Jack the way he knew he looked at her.
Acceptance
They'd been kidnapped by the others, fed fish biscuits and were forced to sleep in cages, but Sawyer had just had the moment of his life.
A few days earlier, he'd kissed her again, simply because he'd had an excuse to. He'd been punched in the face for his trouble, but she had responded without hesitation and as he'd lain awake on the floor of his cage that night, he concluded that it was definitely worth it.
He was awake long into the night tonight as well, Kate lying beside him, holding onto the arm currently wrapped tightly around her as if she expected to disappear in the night. But unlike his numerous other liaisons with women, he knew he would never willingly walk away from her.
He'd reluctantly revealed that they were on an Alcatraz Island, and while he'd expected her anger, he hadn't anticipated her hands pulling him into their third kiss. He'd felt his heart race uncontrollably and he wasn't exactly sure he was thinking straight when he kissed her again, pressed her against the cage bars and lowered her to the ground.
And for the first time in thirty five years, he made love instead of having pure, meaningless sex.
When he'd asked her if she loved him, she hadn't exactly answered, but if it were to be his last night on earth, he wanted to tell her the truth before it was too late, and so he'd said it. Those three simple words that had plagued him for months.
I love you.
And it was okay. She hadn't pulled away from his in disgust, or even looked vaguely surprised by the news. Instead, she looked at him as if his statement was the most natural thing in the world, and he had to agree, it felt like it.
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