I know this is stupid and a total waist of time, writing all my troubles in a diary I mean. Girls write in diaries, not men. But I was told this kind of this helps when you're feeling down, or in my case; Love troubles.
I'm in love with a person and sleeping with another. That can't be healthy, right? Whatever, I'll just get on with the writing.
I know I'm being really selfish right now. Alfred loves me, he confessed a long time ago. I feel like I'm taking advantage him. We're... How do I voice it correctly? Well, we're doing stuff... Dirty kind of stuff. And there's no feelings of love, at least on my part. So I guess that makes us "Fuck buddies", or something like that? We're not lovers and not "Just friends" so that must be it.
It all started when I found out that the person I love loves someone else. I didn't know what to do so I called Alfred out of an old habit of talking to him whenever something is wrong. When he picked up I broke into tears. I tried to hide the fact that I was crying, but Alfred saw through my act. When he asked what had happened I just kept crying and worried him even more. I refused to tell him what it was, I already felt so humiliated.
Then he did the last thing I expected he would do; He told me to stay where I was and hung up. I was confused why he hung up so suddenly. He arrived at my place about half an hour later with a hastily packed bad filled with sad romantic movies, comedies, half melted ice cream and a pair of clean underwear.
We started watching Titanic (One of my and Alfred's favorite movies when we're feeling down). He was half sitting up, half leaning on the armrest and I was leaning on his chest. After a while I looked up at Alfred, thinking he had fallen asleep since I felt his heartbeat slow down (it had been beating really fast for a while), and met his eyes. We stayed like that for a moment, looking into each others eyes, until Alfred's cheeks reddened a bit and he looked away. I snickered a bit before leaning in.
And kissed him.
He tried to push me away, but eventually he gave in. We kissed for a while, my arms around his neck and his hands on my waist. We forgot all about the movie and continued on, moving to my room.
We went further. Meaning; We did it. Alfred topped and I bottomed. It was... Surprisingly good. It could be that I hadn't done it in a while but I still think it was better than what I'm used to.
The next morning was really awkward. We ate breakfast in silence and he returned home. We continued like normal for about a month, until I got hurt again by the person I love. Well, maybe not by the person, but by the rumours and the confirming of them. I called Alfred again and the same thing happened; He came over with the same suit case. But, this time I kissed him sooner. Right after he had removed his coat and put away the suit case.
We did it once again.
The same thing kept happening. When I was just feeling down or just was in the mood, I called Alfred, he came over, we did it and he returned home the day after.
One day, when we we're making out, Alfred stopped in the middle of it, pushing me away. He looked at me, dead serious. "Are we, um, together or are we just, you know, um, doing it? All we ever do when we're together is it and nothing else. Like watching a movie, cuddling, go on dates, or anything like normal couples do. We just do it... So are we...?" He trailed of, not needing to finish the last sentence. He looked me in the eyes, insecurity sneaking its way into his eyes. He looked a little bit hopeful, but also afraid.
I thought for a moment before answering. "No, we're not." I said, rather coldly if you ask me. Looking back at it I could've been nicer, but I guess I just was really horny. I leaned in again, ready to continue but got pushed away again. Irritated, I looked into his eyes. My eyes were probably clouded with lust, well, at least my vision was.
He looked back at me with a heartbroken expression, his eyes showed that I had just hurt his feelings. I felt all my irritation disappear and be replaced with regret.
Why did I have to be so harsh?
I was just going to apologize when Alfred stood suddenly up. He flashed me a tearful look before storming out of the apartment, grabbing his coat but leaving his suit case behind. I was left behind with my thoughts, my feelings and his suit case.
We didn't see each other for weeks after that. One day he showed up on my door step, soaked to the bone from the rain outside.
"Why?" He asked. "Why did you sleep with me all those times if you don't even like me? What was the reason?" He didn't sound angry like one would think, he sounded... Desperate.
I hesitated before answering and I think Alfred noticed because he looked at me with an expression of a kicked puppy. I sighed and told him;
"It's because... The person I love keeps hurting me. Emotionally. And he doesn't even know it..."
"Fine." Alfred responded. I must've looked confused (which I was) because he began to explain. "Fine. I'll be your fuck buddy. Every time one of us wants do it the other has to go along with it. It's my only condition. I'll be yours and you'll be mine. Maybe not emotionally, but physically." He said. That's how it became official. Every time I want it, Alfred will be there and every time he wants it I'll be there.
Oh, sorry. I just realised I haven't properly introduced me. I'm Arthur Kirkland and the person I love is Francis Bonnefoy. And the person I'm sleeping is Alfred Jones.