Disclaimer: insert hilariously clever disclaimer that will make you fall out of your seat laughing No, I do not on Harry Potter.
Stalking Lily
By AllyCat-Dolphinlover
IN WHICH JAMES PROPOSES HIS IDEA
"You are not going to stalk Lily, James." Remus said calmly, without looking up from his book, shortly after James offered his idea.
"Sure I will!" James disagreed.
"Don't tell him what to do!" Sirius said to Remus. He paused then turned to James, "Jamesie, you can't just stalk Evans."
"But-" James searched for an argument. "Why not?"
"Because... it's creepy!" Sirius said.
"Yeah." Peter added from the other side of the dorm, even though he probably had no idea what was happening.
"Creepy, you say?" James questioned in an oddly creepy way. "Is it? Is it really!?" James 'attempted' to raise his eyebrow smartly, but ending up looking constipated.
"James, don't attempt the eyebrow thing, you can't do it, only I can." Remus said smugly, again without looking up.
"Be nice, Moony!" Sirius said like a mother telling off her two children. "We both know Jamesie has a very fragile ego!" he pointed to James who was looking pathetically sad from his bed trying to regain his shattered ego. "Besides," he added. "I can do the eyebrow thing too."
"How is it that only I have a weird nickname?" Remus asked, finally looking up at them.
"Because you are a wacky, weird werewolf." Sirius explained calmly.
"But, you are a weird animagi, also nice alliteration."
"Thank you." said Sirius smiling politely.
"Yeah." Peter repeated.
"Well..." Sirius said thoughtfully, looking at Peter. "We could call Pete... Tail-y?..."
The others gave him a look that clearly stated, 'Why the hell would we want to do that?'
"Because he has a tail!" he said excitedly.
"You idiot, we all have tails!" Remus exclaimed.
"Yeah, but his looks like a worm!" he giggled.
There was a pause. "Did you just giggle?" Remus asked.
"You might as well call me 'Wormtail' then!" Peter said as a feeble attempt for a joke but got a different reaction then hoped.
The other three stared him contemplating the idea.
"Good idea, Pete!" Sirius congratulated grinning.
"Yeah, or should we say Wormtail." Remus said, inwardly glad he wasn't the only one with a nickname.
"Or Wormy for short!" Sirius put in.
"No... just, no..." Remus said shaking his head pitifully at Sirius.
"Hello!? Although congratulations are in order for your name." he added to Peter. "Back to ME!" James said annoyed, pointing at himself.
"What about you?" The three asked in unison.
"My Lily stalking idea!"
"Oh yeah It's stupid." Sirius said.
"No it isn't!"
"Yes it is."
"It could work!"
"I'm not saying it can't... I'm saying it's stupid."
"No it isn't."
"Yes it is."
"No it isn't!"
"Yes it is."
"NO IT ISN'T!"
"YES IT IS!"
"Prat."
"Bighead."
"Teddy-bear lover."
Sirius gasped glancing nervously at his pillow, as if someone could so the teddy bear underneath it, "You promised you say anything about Snuffles!"
"Yeah well, I lied!"
"You... liar!!"
"How original."
"Well how about... You egoistic, fat-headed... um, selfish, arrogant... uh... spoilt... git!" Sirius concluded dramatically.
"That's not original, you stole those from all from Evans!"
"So? She wrote a book of them! I can't just waste them!"
James opened his mouth then paused, "She wrote a book?"
"It was actually a list written during History of Magic that I managed to acquire," said Sirius scratching his nose. "but it has cute little drawings of you falling of your broom and getting hit by pianos and other large muggle instruments, too." Sirius added.
James shrugged understandably, then gasped melodramatically, "AND YOU TRIED TO USE IT AGAINST ME!"
Sirius nodded smugly.
"I see... Well, if that's where your loyalty lies... then... I'll just have to bring out my secret weapon." he felt around under his bed and found his plastic sword Remus got him in the 3rd year for Christmas and turned around to face Sirius.
What he forgot was that Sirius received an identical one and was now pointing at his face. Sirius looked at him with an expression that said, 'Bring it on.'
So the two engaged in a mighty, three-minute battle (or perhaps longer but Remus couldn't be bothered to count), before James tripped over a sock and fell and landed on Peter.
"AHHHHHH!!!"
"..."
"..."
A quiet cough echoed throughout the room.
"You're on me, Pete." James said quietly.
"I know."
"How did that happen?" James wondered out loud.
"I really do not know..."
"I see... Are you planning to get off me? I mean, I know I am like super strong and everything with my Quidditch skills... but you're really heavy." James said in all modestly.
"Sorry." Peter said heaving himself up.
James got up and turned to his opponent. Sirius blew on the end of his sword with a conceited expression then chucked it under his bed.
"You lost the fight." Remus stated.
"I tripped." James corrected gesturing to the sock.
"After you lost." Remus added.
"No, I tripped!"
"Don't be a sore loser, Jamesie." said Sirius shaking his head. "Not a good quality in Quidditch captains."
"James is always a sore loser." Remus put in.
"STOP PUTTING ME DOWN, MAN!" Remus just laughed.
"OH SIRI!" a high-pitched scream called from the common room.
"What was that?" asked Remus looking... was it amused?
"Oh Merlin..." Sirius muttered.
"What?"
"I-it's Grace!"
"Grace?" the other Marauders asked.
"Yeah that Hufflepuff. She just wont leave me alone!"
"Grace- the president of you fan club, Grace?"
"The very insane- I mean the very same.
"SIRI! SIRI-POO!"
"Siri-poo? I should write this down..." Remus muttered, his eyes darting around the room for some spare parchment and a quill to record this priceless moment.
"How does she know the password to the common room?" Peter asked.
"Who knows!" Sirius cried hysterically.
"SIRI-POO! WHERE ARE YOU?"
"NOT HERE!" Sirius shouted giving his fellow friends the thumbs up. Remus and James blinked at his stupidity.
"YOU'RE SO FUNNY!" she shrieked. "COME DOWN! OR I'LL COME UP!"
"Mate, I need the cloak." Sirius said desperately to James.
"Nah, I think I'd rather watch what happens."
"You down understand," his voice trembled. "I need it." James was surprised to see tears in his friend's eyes.
"Not the puppy dog eyes!" he whined.
"Irresistible to men and women." Peter added commercially.
The others stared at him, questioningly. James sighed, "I suppose you could-"
"JAMIE!"
"What was that?" James asked quickly, his eyes widening.
"JAMIE! JAY JAY!" The voice continued, "WHERE ARE YOU?!"
"Olivia." James murmured. He turned to Sirius. "Sorry mate, I am in need of it more than you."
"What!?" Sirius yelped.
"SIRI!"
"JAY JAY!"
"Where is the cloak!?" James yelled searching through his trunk.
"I don't know!" Sirius said biting his nails. "I'm the one who wanted to borrow it!"
"Remus!"
"How would I know?"
There was a deadly silence.
"Peter?"
"Y-yes, James, old friend?"
"Where is my cloak?" he asked dangerously quiet.
"I believe I left in the Shrieking Shack last week." Peter said avoiding James' eyes.
"I see." James said before he and Sirius burst out in tears.
"Oh come on guys!" Remus said. The two just sobbed harder.
"It's really not that bad." he tried hopefully. He sighed as they began whimpering. His friends really did scream pathetic.
"This is all your fault." Remus said to Peter. "Now they'll be at it for hours."
-----L-I-N-E-B-R-E-A-K-----
Meanwhile downstairs two girls where laughing their head off.
"How long do you think they'll be up there whimpering for, before they realise no-one's coming up?" Lily Evans asked her best friend, Marlene McKninnion, after she had changed their voices back to normal.
"Oh I'd say about three hours, four tops." Marlene replied seriously. The two looked at each other before laughing again.