Disclaimer: This is a parody, none of us own Harry Potter. And yes, we are making this.

Griffindork Productions Presents

The Battle of Hogwarts Parody

by

Carissa and Chad

Scene One

Setting: A random field outside "Hogwarts".

Music starts to play as the good guys run onto the field wielding their wands. Harry is leading them. Cut to the other side of the field as the bad guys, led by Voldemort, run onto the field in a similar fashion. Close-ups of characters. The opposing sides meet on the field, coming close to violating the laws of time and space. They freeze as they prepare to do battle.

THUNDERING GODLY VOICE

There can only be ONE!

Cut to opening credits. The Thundering Godly Voice continues to monologue.

For those of you who haven't read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows but wanted to waste your precious time viewing this video regardless, let's give some backstory. Harry Potter is a wizard. His Mom and Dad were killed by this guy: Voldemort. His best friends are these guys: Ron and Hermione. They have a thing. Yes I know, she's far too attractive for him in real life. But let's focus. Anyway, Harry and his friends went to this school: Hogwarts. However, this year they decided to skip so that they could feel all cool and special and go out and kill Voldemort and his minions. Voldemort has stayed alive by putting parts of his soul in seven "horcruxes." If you don't know what that is, just sit down and shut up and pretend you do. Basically they've destroyed all of them except for the final one, which, as luck would have it, is Harry himself. It's this scar. See that scar? It's gross. People stare. Anyway, a part of Voldemort is alive in there, which basically means that as long as Harry is alive, Voldemort is alive. It's a complex plot. I'm probably not even doing the best job explaining it. Honestly I'm embarrassed I even agreed to do this. The editors are just lazy. Anyway, our story begins at the ending, which is, according to The Sound of Music, NOT a very good place to start. Harry and his friends have returned to Hogwarts so they can effectively endanger the lives of everybody they've ever cared about. Let us begin.

Scene Two

Setting: Inside the Room of Requirement.

A heavily bruised and battered Neville is hanging around, reading a book, preferably Harry Potter or something about swordplay. The door opens and Harry, Hermione, and Ron enter.

HARRY

Neville! Wow, what happened to you?

NEVILLE

It's about time, you lot! Where've you been?

He gets up and tosses the book aside.

HERMIONE

Nevermind that, what evils have befallen you?

RON

Yeah, you look like they've been using you as a Bludger.

NEVILLE

They have! It's been terrible here! First off, they stopped singing the school anthem. Then they hired the Carrows.

HERMIONE

Oh no. What did they do?

NEVILLE

Absolutely nothing. They just talk over their magic mirrors all class period. I know way more about their personal lives than I ever wanted.

RON

Is that it?

NEVILLE

No! They put all of Umbridge's rules back, so you can imagine what that's like.

Cut to clip of students and teachers beating up Neville, who is in fetal position. Cut back.

NEVILLE

There is a bright side, though.

HARRY

What?

NEVILLE

Scars are sexy. Am I right, Harry? I'm right.

HARRY

…Sure. Listen, Neville, we really can't stay long-

NEVILLE

But what about the revolution?

RON

There's gonna be a revolution? I love revolutions!

NEVILLE

I got people coming in from all over the place… I used the old DA coin, see?

He holds up a quarter.

HERMIONE

I think it sounds like a great idea. We should stay and do glorious battle.

RON

Vive la révolution !

Harry sighs.

THUNDERING GODLY VOICE

Meanwhile, as Harry is being peer-pressured…

Scene Three

Setting: Inside the Shrieking Shack.

Voldemort and the Death Eaters (Snape not included) are chilling out, watching TV. Voldemort has a Snuggie and the remote. Nagini is on a leash. Voldemort looks deeply unhappy.

VOLDEMORT

Why don't they ever show anything good during the summer? It's all talk shows and TV movies.

LENNY THE DEATH EATER

I asked you if you wanted to rent something.

VOLDEMORT

This is your second warning, Lenny.

Snape comes in, holding a cheap plastic microphone.

SNAPE

Here is the enchanted microphone, my Lord.

VOLDEMORT

Excellent! It doesn't need any batteries, does it?

SNAPE

No. It's enchanted.

VOLDEMORT

Good, good… let's test it!

Voldemort starts singing "My Heart Will Go On". Angels die.

SNAPE

Sir, I think you should know that the students and teachers and some other iconic literary characters are over at Hogwarts ready to stage a revolution.

VOLDEMORT

Drat! That means some plucky young hero must have rallied them together!

DEATH EATER

Confound those plucky young heroes! They're always getting up in our grill!

The others stare at this Death Eater.

(cont.)

No really. They keep taking our grill to cook their burgers and hot dogs without even asking. I mean, really. They're supposed to be the good guys.

SNAPE

My Lord, the revolution…

VOLDEMORT

(Speaking into the enchanted microphone)

Uh, testing? Testing, can you hear me? Severus, I don't think this is working.

SNAPE

It's an enchanted bloody microphone! …My Lord.

VOLDEMORT

I have mixed feelings for you at the moment. Expect to be dead by nightfall. Anyways. GIVE ME HARRY POTTER OR I'M GONNA KILL YOU ALL! You have until MIDNIGHT, Cinderellas!

LENNY THE DEATH EATER

My Lord, I don't think that was the best way to handle the situation…

VOLDEMORT

I don't think that was the best way to handle your face.

Scene Four: Hogwarts.

Harry is wandering the halls.

HARRY

Ron…! Hermione…! Come on, I need my entourage in order to save the wizarding world! You guys better not be making out in some broom closet!

Cut to the Chamber of Secrets. We find Ron and Hermione standing outside a door. There is a snake of some sort on it. Ron keeps making odd sputtering noises at it while Hermione acts bored.

HERMIONE

Merlin's Gameboy, this is taking forever.

RON

This is harder than it looks, you know.

HERMIONE

I know, I know, you've been saying that.

(Beat.)

Every time.

Cut back to Harry. Ginny runs up to him.

GINNY

Hey Harry, what're you looking for?

HARRY

Ron and Hermione. Aren't you supposed to be waiting in the Room of Requirement?

GINNY

Yeah, but I'm a free spirit. You can't hold me down.

HARRY

That's true. Remind me that we should have a falling in love montage later.

GINNY

All right. I'm gonna go fight now, wanna come?

HARRY

Eh, I really should be looking for the last Horcrux.

Cut back to the Chamber of Secrets. Ron and Hermione have finally gotten in and are exploring.

RON

Hermione?

HERMIONE

What is it?

RON

I don't want to alarm you, but I think I saw something… move.

The giant pink bunny is revealed. Cue Der Kleber Sting.

HERMIONE

Dear God, what is that thing!

The giant pink bunny is holding a sign that has a smiley face.

RON

It's hideous!

The giant pink bunny holds a sign that reads, "I love you." It inches closer with every sign change.

HERMIONE

It will haunt my nightmares forever.

The sign has changed: "I want to be your friend."

RON

Should we kill it?

The sign now says: "I want to hug you."

HERMIONE

I do believe we should.

Ron runs to attack it, when suddenly the pink bunny grows fangs and jumps towards him. Camera quickly cuts away to Ron's screams.

So yeah, in case you weren't paying attention at the beginning of the chapter, this is a movie script that a whole bunch of us plan on filming. Editing will probably take the whole summer because we're busy bees, but hopefully it will be out before the movie. Speaking of which. Only six and a half months left!