Vitalstatistix
Tomorrow comes today
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Original Story by Kiki McCloud alias Kikix --- Translated by Pandora
Change alone is unchanging.
Heraklietos of Ephesos
The year is 50. B.C. Gaul is entirely occupied by the Romans. Well, not entirely… One small village of indomitable Gauls still holds out against the invaders. Not only with big success, but with great pleasure…
Our story begins one peaceful day in a small, well-known village. But if you watch carefully, you will see that the day is not so peaceful at all. Maybe not for all villagers…
"I already told you! You are here nothing else but a chieftain of a horde full of savages! When I only think of my brother Homeopathix, who…"
"That's enough!" with these words leaves Vitalstatistix, the village chief, his cottage closely followed by his wife Impedimenta who doesn't seem to be in a very good mood.
"By Toutatis, where are you going?!"
"To the village! I'm sick and tired of your lamentations!"
"My lamentations?!"
"Yes, yours!"
Turning on his heel, continues Vitalstatistix his complaints with irritated voice:
"But what nerves me the most is your constant comparing with your miserable brother!"
Saying that, he disapeares in direction of Panoramix' cottage, followed by his two porters, who decided to stay silent in this delicate situation. Surprised by his aggressive behaviour, Impedimenta remains silent. After the moment of wondering, she angrily turns back into her cottage. Shortly after, the sounds of chrashing pottery and angry cries can be heard.
At the same time, Vitalstatistix went to Panoramix, the honorable and wise druid.
"I can't believe that I, Vitalstatistix, the chieftain of this village, allow my wife to compare me with a simple merchant from Lutetia!"
Vitalstatistix took a sip of beer, which was offered by druid Panoramix, and visibly disturbed, he fell in a bitter silence. Panoramix smiled, looking at his old friend, knowing Impedimenta's temper and consequences that followed their quarrels. Therefore he remains silent and gives his all attention to magic potion when suddenly one of the porters said:
"Chief, I think something is happening…"
Vitalstatistix and Panoramix exchanged surprised looks and hurried up to the centre of the village, where, under the Cacofonix' tree house , the villagers already had an exciting discussion.
"What, by Toutatis and Belisama, is the meaning of all this?"
The silence fell immediately over the villagers and they all make way to their chieftain, who once again rules on his shield and looks astonished in the crowd. But very soon he finds out what could be the cause this excitement. On the bottom of his tree house sits Cacofonix, the bard, who doesn't seem aware of his surrounding. He holds his right hand embraced and his mantle turned into a few red tatters.
"By Belenus… Cacofonix, what happened to you?"
"I walked through the wood and thought of nothing bad when suddenly the sky went dark. I thought the sky will fall on my head. But when I recovered my consciousness, I discovered that I was hit by a part of a rock."
Cacofonix raised painfuly his arm, which was carefuly bandaged by Panoramix.
"A rock?!"
"A rock! And there is more. When I hardly stood up, I realised that my lyre was smashed under this treacherous attack…"
He sadly showed the miserable rests of his beloved instrument, still a few villagers felt with him. Fulliautomatix, the blacksmith and the big enemy of Cacofonix' music, didn't show any understanding.
"Finaly the Romans did something right!" He laughs loudly, but noticing evil glances, he keeps silent.
"What? It was only a lyre…"
"Unfortunately, it wasn't only the lyre!" thinks Vitalstatistix while he comes down from his shield and approaches to Cacofonix.
"How should we know that this attack was planed by the Romans?" remarks Unhygienix, the village fishmonger.
"Only Romans have the machines that can throw rocks and stones big enough to harm our bard." These words were said by Asterix, the bravest and cleverest warrior of the village.
"Nonsense." Thinks his best friend Obelix. "I can do that too."
Obelix, menhir delivery man, fell into the cauldron of magic potion when he was a child and from this day he has superhuman strenght. Therefore, throwing a rock was for Obelix a child play.
"All right, Obelix, all right. But let us make it clear: we won't let this damage pass unpunished! We must show these Romans what happens when they attack one of us!" so calls Vitalstatistix, taking his place at the shield again.
"They must see what it means to have business with us! Druid! Make us magic potion! We set out for battle!"
Chieftain's suggestion was loudly accepted and in a short time all the men in the village gathered in front of Panoramix' cottage. Shouting and laughing, the quarelsome Gauls waited for the beginning of the fight and Panoramix find it difficult to keep the mass at distance.
"Here, children! The potion is ready!"
The noise and excitement spreads quickly through the crowd but fell very soon under Vitalstatistix' control. And so stand our Gauls obediently in a row, waiting for Panoramix to give them famous potion, which gives them superhuman strenght. Because of this potion our friends held out against the Roman army all these years.
Led by Vitalstatistix, the Gauls set off for the fortified camp of Compendium. Results: one palisade and one garrison of battered Romans later…
„ So! Who ordered attack on our bard!" Vitalstatistix, still standing on his shield, was holding the centurion of the camp for his collar while the others were keeping the rest of the soldiers…awake.
„I've told you, it wasn't me! And I don't know who did that and….Ahhhh!" Vitalstatistix raised his fist threateningly , invoking panic and forcing centurion to confess his guilt.
„All right, all right, I admit it!" centurion landed roughly on the ground.
„Well, I'm listening."
„The fort…fortified camp of…of…of… Aquarium…got a new catapult ye… ye… yesterday… it was sent from Rom… but…"
„Good! That's enough! Children! To Aquarium!"
„To Aquarium!" „Long live Vitalstatistix!" „Long live our chieftain!"
With triumphal sounds, our friends continued their excursion to Aquarium. Of course, they didn't forget to visit Totorum and Laudanum. No Roman should feel neglected.
„ Ok children, be prepared! We will take them by surprise and…"
„ I think that there won't be any surprise, chief. Look there!"
Astonished, Vitalstatistix and his men watched as the centurion and his legion were leaving Aquarium and prepared for battle.
„Look! Now they are willingly joining the fight!"
„They don't want us in their camp! Renovation is probably a very hard job!"
Laughing on this remark, on Vitalstatistix' command, the Gauls rushed along violently on petrified Romans. Centurion tried to say something in his defence but without success. As the time passed by and number of beaten Romans multiplied, Vitalstatistix tried to exchange informations with centurion.
„Your colleagues said that the attack on our bard was your fault! Why did you do that?!"
„We… erm… we were just practising…"
„ Practising? Don't make me laugh! Then tell your Caesar that we won't tolerate your practising in our woods. Do you understand?"
„But… but… Caesar is not here…"
„No, but you'll visit him immediatley!"
Indicating that the conversation is over, Vitalstatistix lifted the poor centurion and sent him to the clouds with a strong kick.
„Practising… what a nonsense…come on, children. Let's go back to our village."
„And what shall we do with the camp? Leave it as it is?"
„Hmm… no… I don't think so. Attack!"
For a short time the fourth Roman camp turned into dust and ashes. Within all this noise, no one has noticed that a small group of Romans on a brink of the wood has been watching a whole scene.
„What… what shall we do?!"
„Nothing! Only if you want to catch some blue colour."
„Our command was to hide the catapult and when everything settles down, to return unnoticed."
„ That really shouldn't be… Beware! They are coming!"
Romans hid quickly into the brushwood as our Gauls were passing through the wood, singing and laughing. They are all in a good temper, only Obelix seems a little bit disappointed.
„What is it, Obelix?"
„Hm… I don't know, Asterix… I think we missed something… something very important…"
„Come on, Obelix! If it was that important, we would have noticed it." Thinks Asterix and goes along. Obelix doesn't seem satisfied with his answer but his dissatisfaction was replaced with another thought.
„Guys! Shouldn't we celebrate our victory?"
„Obelix! We can't celebrate after every brawl with Romans!"
„Why not?"
„Because…erm…that's why…ah let's go, you gourmand."
With a smile on his face, Asterix and our friends return to their village. Vitalstatistix is in good temper, anyway, he proved again who's the boss of the house… I mean… of the wood. But if we look at the situation in the village, we can see that the chances for the same success are minimal. Impedimenta is still angry with him.
„ But, but…Piggywiggy!"
And so happened that Vitalstatistix was sent at the entrance of his cottage… again.
„If you can't stand my lamentations, then you can move somewhere else! Maybe to the Romans! It seems you give them more attention than me!" BUMP!
Impedimenta closed the door right in front of Vitalstatistix' nose. And what did he do? First of all, nothing. He was confused , after all, he had better days. Suddenly, he feltanger growing inside of him. He picked his belongings up off the ground (which were thrown there by his wife) and walked away in direction of Asterix' cottage. Not without giving a break to his anger.
„I can't believe it! Who, by Toutatis and Belisama, is chief here? She or me? She will see! I won't show up so fast! By Toutatis!" Ssssssssssssssss…..Boing! Something hit Vitalstatistix heaviliy on the back of his head so he found himself on the ground. He looked around, puzzeld… and discovered a vase, broken in thousand pieces. When he turned around, he saw Impedimenta, watching at him with a scorn in her eyes and disappearing behind the door. This time Vitalstatistix got really angry! He stood up, red in his face, and with lifted fist, he shouted:
„ By Toutatis and all gods! The sky should fall down on your head for this impudence!"
Like the gods wanted to do him a favour, the sky over Vitalstatistix went dark. He looked up and saw a gigantic rock…
A loud breakage. Panicked cries. In a few minutes whole village was up. Panoramix began instantly with preparing the magic potion, women and children fled to the coast. Some villagers ran to the palisade and were trying to stop the Romans in every possible way. Others gathered around the ruins of chieftain's cottage. Only Vitalstatistix seems unaware of his surroundings. He was staring petrified at the spot where his cottage stood. At the spot where, a minute before, stood his wife…