I flinch away as Karofsky grabs the lapel of my brand-new Burberry trench coat. I squeeze my eyes shut and prepare my already-sore back muscles to take yet another beating against the unforgiving locker doors – but surprisingly find myself being pulled through the hallway at a breathtaking pace. Kids clump together, staring and whispering as we flash by. I can't figure out what's going on for the life of me...
I pushed a few nerds into the girls' bathroom at lunch, but this did nothing to cool me off. I swear, every time I see that pretty boy, my blood boils and I can't see straight. Every time I see him, I don't know whether to hit him...or to hug him. It drives me crazy! ...I'm not sure if my heart's beating like this because I...like him or hate him. All I know is, I can't control myself around him. People scramble to get outta my way as I stalk through the hall. He flinches as I slam the door of his locker shut and grab him by the girl's jacket he's wearing. When he looks at me with fear in those blue eyes... God.
I hate myself. I really do.
We rush by the congested hallways in a blur of color and noise. When we finally stop, we are in the deserted stairway where I brought Blaine to help me talk sense into him... Da– ...Karofsky releases me roughly, and lurches a few more steps away.
Crap. He's gonna kill me.
Feigning confidence, I fold my arms and take a few steps back, creating a comfortable distance between us. Karofsky just stands in the middle of the landing, huffing and panting while clenching and unclenching his fists. He has his back to me...he seems to be glaring out over the quad, but I can see him stealing nervous glances at me.
I open my mouth to speak, but the bell for fourth period cuts me off.
Sighing, I take a few steps up the stairs...not expecting to get very far, of course. "Uhm, Karofsky, I gotta get to Spanish...Mr. Shue will kill me if I ditch class, but show up for Glee pra–"
Karofsky swings around and glares at me. "Just shut up, Kurt. I need to talk to you."
My heart involuntarily skips a beat. This is the first time he's called me something other than "fancy" or "Hummel"...
Clearing my throat seems to be the hardest thing I've ever done. "Well, what would you like to talk about?"
I really am a complete girl...
Karofsky just starts laughing to himself, pointedly looking away from me.
"Y'know," he says, turning back toward me but still not making eye contact, "When that Blaine kid started telling me that this was a 'hard' and 'confusing' time, I wanted to shove my fist down his throat."
Well, obviously we're thinking the same thing. My mind races into panic mode. He really wants to talk about this? Why would he mention Blaine?...Is he jealous of Blaine? Is this how he wants to...come out?
I try to compose myself as...Dave slumps against the wall and continues talking, looking me in the eye this time, frustration and confusion building on his face.
"'Hard' would be if I found out I was adopted, or if my old man died...but this? Finding out that every name I've ever called you, now applies to me? Finding out that everything I was raised to believe about fags, goes against who I am? This isn't just 'confusing', Kurt! It's impossible. It's hell! I feel like shit every day because I walk down that hall pretending to be something I'm not!"
I can't breathe.
Kurt flinches when I mention how I was raised to believe certain things about...certain people. I feel horrible. I am such a hypocrite...and I hurt him. So much.
I saw the pain in his eyes when I touched him, the confusion building into shock as I confess...everything.
"...I walk down that hall pretending to be something I'm not!"
His mouth opens slightly; he looks so shocked.
Why is he acting like this? He already knows, damn it! Why am I even going through with this?
Somehow, I manage to control my voice, even though my heart is still beating so hard.
My hands form fists at my sides.
"I... I was jealous of you, Kurt."
His mouth snaps shut.
"You were so brave, you know that?" I look at him, searching his face, pleading for him to understand. "You were so confident in being you. ...It pissed me off that I didn't have the balls to do the same. I still don't! The team would kill me – my parents would flip...probably kick me out. I just gotta pull myself together. I gotta get over my temporary insanity...my temporary obsession," I say, dropping my gaze once again.
"...I'm not brave like you, Kurt. I – I can't do this! It's just...not possible."
A part of me wants to take it all back; part of me is screaming, "No! That's not what I meant to say!"
...But part of me knows that it's for the best. If I don't straighten up, I'll be put through torture, just like...
No...I can't. I just can't.
I thought I knew where this conversation was going. I really thought I knew...
My mind is still trying to make sense of it all.
Okay. He just admitted he's a hypocrite. Now he's complimenting me. Now he's – he's –
What?
Wow...obsession? What does that mean? That he was attracted to me, so he beat me up and harassed me to prove that he was straight?
How...elementary of him.
"...It's just...not possible."
Suddenly, I am back in my freshman year, explaining to Finn that our parents are better off together than apart...and there's nothing we can do to stop them.
"When will you realize...that nothing is impossible when it comes to love?"
Dave looks up at me with mixture of fear and hope in his eyes. I step closer...
Kurt murmurs something under his breath, and then looks at me, eyes shining.
I feel my heart pounding even faster as he steps towards me.
He reaches up and cups his hand on the back of my neck as he gives me a light kiss...My head spins. As he pulls back, I can see that he's crying. I try to pull him back to me, but he shrugs me off.
"Look," he says, wiping his eyes, "Thank you for telling me all this. But I have to go."
Before I can stop him, he runs downstairs – away from his Spanish class...and away from me.
I run through the deserted halls until I reach the choir room. I'm still crying when I toss my bag on the floor and sit down at the piano bench. That doesn't last long; I'm too worked up to sit still. I begin to pace.
"This isn't right. He shouldn't be able to affect me this easily!"
"Oh shut up, you idiot, you want him to love you! You know you do!"
"But...Blaine..."
I start laughing through the tears just because I'm acting so crazy, arguing with myself.
But still...
"If he...liked me, why would he hurt me like this? WHY?"
Every day...he tortured me. Punched me, slushie'd me...he ruined my favorite sweater once...
He called me names...
"WHY do I still CARE?" I whirl around screaming and slam both my fists into the wall, before I slump to the ground and cry some more...
He...rips me apart inside. When he kissed me in the locker room...for some reason, I enjoyed it. In that split second, I wanted him to.
And then, when he tried for a second time...I don't know what happened. It was completely involuntary...maybe it was just the shock finally registering in my brain that made me push him away.
Or maybe...
Maybe I realized that as long as I let him close to me...he can still hurt me. Perhaps even more than he did before.
That's why I ran away...
That's why I am still running away.