Paper Boats

by CamelotFlag

A happy, 26 year-old Merlin re-visits a less happy time of his life; depression at the age of 17. Prepare for a story full of darkness, sprinkled with a few happy moments and, ultimately, the meeting of the boy who will change everything for him; Arthur Pendragon. College AU. There will be arguments, mixed signals, hurt and love.TRIGGER WARNING-SOME SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL PASSAGES!

1. Welcome to the Past

Non Prompt College AU ff-Merthur-Slash Undecided-Rating Undecided.

Paper Boats

Chapter One.

12-09-12

"Cutting; also known as total euphoria. Relaxing. Controlled. The only thing I feel like I do truly control. It's a very disturbing paradise. Frightening, yet I'm consumed by such happiness when I look at my blades, taken from their secret place, ready to use them. Razors speak to me and they have extremely sharp tongues. I stare for a while, a weak smile on my tired face. Then I slash.

Lacerate.

Slice.

Is it scary that it doesn't even hurt any more? Constantly, I feel like I have to cut deeper and deeper to get the same euphoric feeling. Constantly, I bleed for longer. Use more toilet paper to clean myself up. Dab more disinfectant. Perhaps you think I'm a freak; maybe I am one. I'm not sure.

My suicidal thoughts hound me. They occur whenever nothing I can override them with is in my head. My breaths increase in rate as I think of jumping from high places, hanging myself, overdosing, slitting my wrists, anything. Have you ever looked at cars as they passed you and thought 'I wonder how injured I would be if I jumped in front of it'?

Depression is a disease of the mind. It tears you apart from the inside until you tear yourself apart from the outside.

I am Merlin Emrys, and this is my life."

14-10-21

I stared at the paper in my hands. Found from when I was 17. I was unhappy then, intensely unhappy. Not any more, though. Sure, I have my off days but I'm no longer taking anti-depressants and now building my career as a photographer. I know that I owe my life to my brilliant partner, I wouldn't be here without him. I roll over in our double bed and reach for his hand. He grasps me back in his sleep and I see a faint smile on his lips. I giggle as he snorts a little, rolling over. Reaching out to stroke his blond fringe with my index finger I think about how blissful life is now compared to how it used to be. If you'll listen, I'll tell you about how I met my king, and how we fell in love.