I hope you enjoy it and you let me know if you do or not. It's just something that randomly came to me and I have to say that i'm pretty pround if it. Make syre you let me know what you think! the song at the end is Secondhand Serenade's Like A Knife
The Hampton house was Serena's favorite place to be in the summer time. The way the sun shown in threw the cracked glass of the in closed sun room, the ocean's cool sound and feel only ten feet away from the back exit. Normally Serena's shimmering, flawless features were glistening with beauty and joy as she hopped around bare foot in the scorching hot sand.
That wasn't the case as the slender blonde leaned over the porcelain toilet emptying the remains of her stomach for the second time that morning, third time that week. Finishing up she pushed the rest of her gold locks to the side and leaned her head against the cool wall. Her mind was so full that she'd rather just shut off then consider more then half of it.
"Hey, are you ok?"
Nate's voice asked as he walked into the green and god bathroom holding a water bottle before setting it down on the counter and sitting himself down right next to her.
They'd been at the house for three weeks and Serena hadn't been herself once. Nate knew right away that there was something wrong with her, something besides the fact that Dan hadn't contacted her since the wedding. For that Nate could have very easily told Dan what a self centered ass hole he was. But under Serena's wishes he kept his mouth shut and held her when she cried.
"I'm fine, it must have just been something I ate last night. No big deal."
As she spoke Nate couldn't help but shake his head as he handed her the water bottle to take a sip from. He knew better then how she talked, it wasn't just food poisoning. Food poisoning didn't happen three days in a row, it didn't make your chest look as though it doubled in size over night, it didn't enhance your capability of smelling clam cakes baking from down the street either. Yet as Serena stood up from her crumpled spot on the floor and took her head off his shoulder to walk to the mirrored medicine closet he didn't stop her. His eyes lingered on her as she opened the closet taking her morning's percentage of pills from their special casings, one Tylenol for her headache, anti nausea's little yellow pill, a Lexapro for her sinking feeling that came a la Dan, Xanax to hide her anxiety, a Valium for the hell of it, and the tiny pink birth control.
He watched her swallow the array of pills in her hand. With the condition he was so sure she was denying he knew it couldn't have been the right thing to be doing. Loading herself up with a number of narcotics to numb both her pain and her mind. Each little tablet showed remnants of her painful past and a foreshadowing of a storm to come in the not so distant future.
As Serena stood with her back to him she could feel his eyes burning into her back.
"I'm fine Natie, you can stop now. I swear I'm ok."
Turning around now the hot tears were well exposed again in her normally crystal clear eyes, they'd been like that for days. The last time she'd remember feeling so broken and defenseless was after Pete had OD'd on the night of the Shepherd wedding. Overdosing on Coke, a substance part of her wished she could get her hands on. Her cravings were back. Her cravings for something to make it all better, to make her forget the things she'd lost.
"Serena don't lie, I can see your falling apart. If you won't let me in I can't make any of it ok. We've been down this road once before. The three of us trying to make you better. Come on S, it's just you and I. You know that you can tell me."
His warm voice tried to coax as he placed a protective hand on her back. Her back was knotted, the tension had made her rigid. Like if he placed his hand in the wrong spot she'd break into a million pieces. Nate wasn't to sure that wasn't the case.
"How about I just need you to hold me, maybe kiss me… carry me to my room and make me forget about everything that happened this year."
This wasn't the Serena he knew, she wasn't herself, only to confirm it by her hands snaking their way to his back and a line down to his butt. She buried her head in the crook of his neck and tried as hard as she could to get him to respond to the light delicate kisses. He quivered under her touch without wanting to. She'd always had the effect on him, he wanted to put his hands all over her body. To kiss her and make love to her all day long, but, Nate couldn't do that. He was to much of a caring respectable guy to do that to her.
Serena closed her eyes hard as she let the salt mixture fall from her eyes and she moved her hand to the front of Nate's Abercrombie button down. Slowly she fingered and unbuttoned all of the buttons as she left butterfly kisses on each new patch of skin she uncovered. His hands were on her shoulders as he didn't respond the way she wanted him to. She wanted him to kiss her, she needed to pretend he was Dan and have him make her comfortable for the night. Comfortable was something she hadn't been since the night Dan had called it quits on her.
"Serena, stop"
He whispered in her ear as she managed to get his shirt off and onto the ground. Her behavior was reckless and uncontrollable to an extreme and as her lips and teeth worked in spots on his neck and chest. He was going to have marks all over just from her need to escape.
"I need this Nate, I need you to help me make it all stop."
Her normally strong unafraid voice was shaky and broken as she attempted to move her hands down to the buttons of his True Religion jeans. If Nate had been lesser of the man that he was he'd have had her Betsy Johnson negligee wide open to expose one of the many things that gave away her forming secret more then easily. He was a guy of course and they were tempting. But he knew that her body didn't belong to him.
"Don't do this Serena, you don't know what your doing or what your saying. Just stop doing this."
He said shaking his head as Serena dropped her hands from his shorts and moved back away from him for a moment only long enough to take the shear fabric of her nightgown off over her head and let it drop to the floor. She felt his eyes linger exactly where she knew they would.
"You want me Natie, I know you want me"
Husky and low she nearly growled at him as he moved closer to his and out of habit his hands found her hips, her body pressed closer to him, and his lips found hers. For the moment in time she felt captured as everything around her melted away.
There was no talking, his hands weren't grabby as they remained stationary on her hips. However, her kisses were biting and rageful. He could feel a bubble of blood from where she'd seemed to have tried to bit a hole threw his lip.
"No Serena, we can't do this, you can't do this"
He shook his head in between her mess of swollen kisses. This was what almost every morning of their Hampton escape had been like. Her trying and heartbreaking attempts at trying to get away from the turns that her life had taken, he wanted to fix it. There was no fixing it.
Hands of the most delicate perfect touch eased themselves below the waistline of his Calvin Cline boxers, a place he wasn't exactly comfortable with her going. He had to fight to keep every bit of exposure he had.
"Serena, No"
As gentle and as forceful as he could he spoke up to her an took her by her fragile wrists. Holding her wrists he placed her shaky hands to his heart and pulled her nearly completely exposed body to him protectively and closely. He kissed the top of her blonde head as the convulsing began.
"I can't… I can't do it Natie, I need him. I can't do it"
She began to sob and convulse in shaking sobs as she pressed her body to him and held her arms so tightly around his neck. He could see every inch of worry and deceit that filled her huge navy blues. She was scared. She felt alone and abandoned, as if her life would never recover. And the truth was, Nate knew that it would never recover from what was going on.
Serena hadn't wanted it to be this way, she was planning on spending the summer bribing Dan to go to Paris with her. To stand under the Eiffel Tower and make out till the sun had gone to rest for the day. Then they'd go back to the hotel room and spend the rest of this night in utter bliss. Nate's arms held her close and tight as he kissed the up of her head over and over.
"I'm scared Natie, I'm so scared."
The last time he'd felt her shake so bad was when her father walked out leaving a young Serena with Lily and Eric all alone. It killed him, the fact that he couldn't fix her this time. A bowl of ice cream wasn't going to make her better.
As he picked up her light warn out body he carried her over to the sink and with one hand reached for the container of Valium and the other of Xanax. Taking one more of both the pills out of both he placed them in her mouth and held the water to pour in her mouth. Making sure she'd swallow the relaxers he prayed that they'd work and she'd calm down a little that her tears would stop.
Smoothing her hair back with his hand he kissed her forehead over and over as she held on tightly to him. He wanted to make it all go away for her. She wanted to rewind time and have Dan be holding her and kissing her. Nate knew what she needed to do, regardless if it made her more broken then she was already.
"Serena you need to take the test, You need to know for sure if you're pregnant."
I did a lot, I know you say
I've got to get away.
"The world is not yours for the taking"
Is all you ever say.
I know I'm not the best for you,
But promise that you'll stay.
'Cause if I watch you go,
You'll see me wasting, you'll see me wasting away
'Cause today, you walked out of my life
'Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.
Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both good for detected pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.
'Cause today, you walked out of my life
'Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.
But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
And these words have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember
Stay with me,
Or watch me bleed,
I need you just to breathe.
'Cause today, you walked out of my life
(stay with me, or watch me bleed)
'Cause today, your words felt like a knife
(i need you just to breathe.)
I'm not living this life