Feeling

By: Montez

Disclaimer: Don't own, just really love to play with the characters. Originals owned by Eric Kirpke, Brotherhood characters created by Ridley James.

A/N: Just wanted to take a second and say thank you to Ridley for creating the Brotherhood AU, it's so much fun to write with those character-thanks for sharing them.
I'm making a reference from the story "No Quarter" by WinchesterWannabe. I hope you don't mind, I loved your story and this popped into my head afterward.
I'm also referencing a couple of Sensue's stories in her "Suitcase of Memories" stories. I love those stories as well and hope you don't mind.

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He jumped in the big black truck that had once belonged to his mentor and drove. His mind had shutdown; no thoughts filtered through, no memories, no images. His only awareness was the need to run, to get away from what was causing the pain. A pain that froze his soul that gripped his heart so tightly he felt that the world was sitting on his chest. He was going on an instinct he had not needed for over 20 years--the need to runaway.

If his rational thoughts had been working he would have stayed in Illinois to comfort his best friends little brother. But to him, he had just buried his little brother. The one he had been robbed of when his father had killed his pregnant mother when he was six years old. When his parents had told a young Caleb there was going to be another member of the family, his father had handed him the deuce from the deck of cards they had been building a house of cards with, telling his young son that it was because they didn't know if mommy was carrying a boy or a girl. Caleb had never found out as it was all taken away by the murder-suicide that had stolen his parents, his innocence.

It took seven years before he had found his little brother; his 'Deuce', the wild card. At twelve years old Dr. Mackland Ames and Pastor Jim Murphy had found a broken, lost, and terrified Caleb strapped to a hospital bed in a psychiatric hospital because no one understood who or what the child was. Mac and Jim saw past the attitude, passed the delinquent behavior and saw the troubled child underneath, from that time on Caleb had a new family. And within a few months Caleb met Dean Winchester, his 'Deuce'.

However, the last two years had seen that family torn apart. First Pastor Jim was taken out by a Demon that was tracking the Winchesters, targeting those close to them to bring them out into the open. Then that same Demon had tricked not only the Winchester's, but Mac into believing she had killed Caleb as well. Upon realizing what was happening, Caleb had raced to New York, to his father's apartment, fearing he would find him as he had Jim, when he had reached the Pastor too late. Caleb literally broke down the door to his father's place, fearing what he would find. Entering Mac's home office, Caleb felt his breath catch; his vision swam as he took in the sight of his father's body crumbled on the floor. He raced to Mac's side, praying his eyes were wrong, letting out a shuttered breath when he found the pulse of the unconscious man. Once Mac was roused from what Caleb quickly figured out was a drunken stupor, the man having thought he had lost his son to the Demon, the younger man help his father recover enough to try and start tracking the Winchesters who seemed to have fallen off the map.

A violent vision of the horrific crash between an 18-wheeler and the Impala had Caleb reeling as Mac tried to track the family down. Once finding the hospital the Winchesters had been transported to, Caleb quickly rushed to them, finding John and Sam relatively okay, only to find his best friend, his brother, in a coma, not expected to survive. Fear turned to elation, then to sorrow as Dean miraculously recovered, and John to die a few hours later. Only later did Caleb figure out what John had done for his son. Caleb stayed with the boys at Bobby's for a while as they recovered. It was then that Caleb had come into possession of the truck he was currently pushing to its limit.

Then a year ago Caleb got news that would overshadow everything he would do for the next year; Dean, his best friend, his little brother, had sold his soul to save Sam, who had been killed by one of the Yellow-eyed Demon's 'special children.' Later, the YED was taken out by Dean, with the help of John's spirit, who had found his way back from Hell, but it still left Sam and Caleb in a desperate race to save Dean's soul from a similar fate that had befallen John. That deadline came to pass two nights ago, as Caleb's worst fear played out in a horrific vision, as Caleb watched, from miles away, Hellhounds tore Dean apart as they came to collect his debt.

Mac had found Caleb nearly collapsed from throwing up and sobbing uncontrollably on the side of the road after the vision. Knowing they were already to late they both managed to meet up with Sam and Bobby in Illinois. When Caleb approached the Impala he found a sight that compared only with the aftermath of his parents deaths. He found a distraught Sam in the backseat, cradling his dead brother's body. Again Caleb dropped to his knees, dry-heaving until he felt his stomach itself would come up. He felt Mac move close, trying to offer comfort through his own tears and heartbreak. Once Caleb could stand again, he opened the car door and his eyes met the empty eyes of Sam. The older man reached in, cupping the back of the younger man's neck, pulling him until their forehead's touched. No words were spoken as Caleb was easily able to read the pain coursing through Sam, the same pain that was coursing through him.

After several silent minutes, Mac and Bobby watched as the two younger hunters removed Dean's body from his beloved car for the last time. The boys found a place near the vehicle and started preparing their friend, their brother, for burial. Caleb knew Sam would not allow them to burn Dean's body, as was normal practice in the death of a hunter, so when Bobby had quietly mentioned it Caleb gave the man a hard look, Bobby knew from experience with Caleb to back off. Mac, in the mean time had taken to calling members of the inner circle that worked closely with the Triad, to inform them of Dean's death.

Bobby and Mac continued to watch as the two younger men dug the grave and lowered Dean's simple wooden coffin into the ground. They watched as Sam collapsed after throwing in the first shovel full of dirt into his brother's grave. Neither approaching when Caleb continued the process, tears rolling freer than either had ever seen, down his devastated face. Once the terrible job had been completed, the older hunter's were able to get the younger ones back to the motel Bobby had booked Sam and himself into when they had arrived in town. Though Mac had let Caleb drive, while Bobby lead the way with Sam in the Impala, Mac following behind Caleb, both men were aware of the shutdown Sam and Caleb seemed to have slipped into.

Once the four had reached the motel, something inside Caleb finally broke as he watched Sam bring in Dean's duffle with his own, part of the boys normal routine, then a flash of light reflected off Dean's amulet that Sam had placed around his own neck, needing to keep something of his brothers. At that moment Caleb felt all his systems shut down. He wordlessly turned and left the room, Mac following, calling his name, as the younger man all but ran for his truck. Mac's psychic abilities were not like Caleb's in that he was able to read peoples minds, but he did have a unique connection with his adoptive son by which he could pick up on the boy's emotions. So as Mac watched his son climb into what was once John Winchester's truck, Mac felt a chill and sudden fear for his son when he literally felt nothing from the young man.

So now Caleb found himself driving another endless back road. He had not even realized where he was until a sign caught his attention: New River Gorge Bridge--5 miles. Those five miles were like a minute, when Caleb pulled the truck into the parking area near the bridge. It was the middle of the night and the place was deserted except for the occasional passing vehicle. Caleb exited the truck and started walking.

The first time Caleb had seen this bridge he was a teen, shortly after coming into Mac's life. Mac and Cullen, Caleb's grandfather, had arranged a vacation for the three of them after a rough patch in Caleb's life that culminated with Caleb getting kicked out of another school and Mac finding out that the teen had, if only for a few moments, considered killing himself on the anniversary of his parents death. Caleb could remember the fear in the older man's eyes when Mac had been able to visualize Caleb overlooking a rushing river, feeling the despair coming from the child. Caleb also saw how much the man, who had only been a part of his life for such a short time, loved him and wanted to protect him. But that was over twenty years ago and as Caleb walked out toward the middle of the bridge he could honestly say no thoughts of any kind were in his mind; none of life, or death, nor of love or hate, he truly felt nothing. He walked until he reached the plaque that informed visitors that they were in the middle of the large structure, the valley more that eight hundred feet below. The wind picked up as he leaned onto the rail.

"WHY!?!" He yelled out as tears filled his eyes, his knees giving out, hitting the unforgiving concrete. "Why?" a choked whisper followed.

"You did all you could." a familiar voice filled Caleb's ears.

"How can you say that? I let him down, I promised him. I promised…" Caleb's voice trailed off as his eyes rose to meet the dark brown eyes of his mentor.

"It was a promise he knew couldn't be kept, but he let you believe it could." John's image moved closer, kneeling next to Caleb.

"It was my job to watch out for him, to protect him." Caleb choked, looking at his mentor, not once wondering how he was talking with the dead man. "I let him down…I let you down." Caleb could no longer look at John, fearing he'd see disappointment looking back at him.

Surprisingly warm hands took the younger man's face, making his eye's meet the older man's gaze. "You never disappointed me; I was the hardass who set impossible standards. I was the one who never told you boys enough how proud I was of all of you. I've watched you and Sam trying to find a way to save him, but he knew there wasn't any chance, but he tried to believe for you both." the deceased man's gaze seemed to look through Caleb, "Dean watched as the fear of what was going to happen took control of both you boys, but he never once thought either of you had failed him." John continued to meet Caleb's eyes, trying to see if he was getting the younger man to understand. "Dean made his choice, just as I did. He knew what could happen and he accepted that. He loved you Caleb, just as he loved Sam. He would have done the same thing for you without a second thought."

"I wouldn't have wanted that!" Caleb stood now, angry. "I couldn't live with myself if he had done that, I would have rather died." Just the truth of that statement made Caleb's blood boil. He knew Dean would have sacrificed himself for him, just had he had done for Sam.

"But he would not have been able to live without you or Sam." John watched Caleb, "Dean knew you and Sam would grow closer, as you have. That's what he needed, for you two to be able to help each other through this. At the end that is what made his deal something he could live and die with. He could not, would not have been able to live without both of you."

Caleb's gold eyes were again overflowing as his voice cracked. "How do I do this? How do I go on without him?"

John's quiet voice answered thoughtfully, "You have Mac and Bobby, you have Missouri and yes, even Joshua, but most importantly you have what was most important to Dean, what he valued more than his own life, you have Sam." John watched as Caleb again turned, looking over the rail into the inky blackness that settled over the valley below.

"Sammy." Caleb whispered as he closed his eyes, quiet settling over the bridge.

"Caleb?"

Caleb's breath hitched, as if by saying his name he had summoned his best friends little brother. Caleb felt the younger man move closer, felt the touch of Sam's hand on his shoulder, "Caleb?"

Caleb turned to face Sam, sadness, fear; loss and concern were all evident in the younger man's face. Wordlessly, Caleb stepped forward, pulling Sam into a bone-crushing hug. The devastated young man reacted, returned it with the same intensity, both men seemingly keeping the other from slipping into oblivion.

Standing on that bridge in Virginia, Caleb felt something slowly coming back together inside his shattered soul. It was the determination to follow in Dean's footsteps. It was the understanding that it was now his job, his responsibility to keep Sam safe, to protect him and ultimately to save him.