I wondered the streets alone and helpless. When I was on the bus I fell and I can't remember anything before that. I said I was fine to the people helping me up and I got off at the next stop. I don't know anything about me. What am I going to do? I think I'm still in school, my bookbag is full of books and home work. Look there's a park. Maybe some where, on one of my papers is my name. In bookbags, some at least can't you put in a card that you put your name and address on? Myne doesn't seem to have that. Maybe I should look more carefully. Here's the entrence to the park, there's a bench. I should sit down. I take my bookbag of my shoulders's it's heavy. I place it on the grownd and just stare at it, asking myself only one question. 'Who am I?' Over and over again. It's getting cold. I look up, the sun is setting. My parents are going to be worried if I don't come home. The light wind makes me shiver. II pull up my glassis. Tears again start buiding up in my eyes. I'm only wearing a thin, pink tank top and a short skirt. Everything seemes so scary. What am I going to do? 'Some one help me!' I cry out in my thoughts. It's quiet, I can hear the birds chiping. I just sit there. I can here footsteps far off. I don't care, I just stare at the trees and the now almost completely hiden behind them sun.
"Hey, you're here early Sere, you weren't sepose to meet me here till tomorow." Said a young man's voice making me sharply turn around.
"I'm very sorry, but you must be mistaking me for someone else, I don't remember you, I'm so sorry." I glansed at the dark haired young man for a second and then looked down on the grownd as I spoke.
"Sere what's wrong with you?" He asked, his voice seeming very worried.
"Do you k-know me? Sere, i-is that my name?" I asked hoping it was true and looking up at him as he sat down beside me.
"Baby, are you ok? You seem nothing like your self and of course I know you, I'm your boyfriend. What are you doing here, you live on the other side of town, your mom's gonna get so pissed." He put a hand gently on my shoulder and looked at me.
"Oh, I am so sorry, I wasn't- I didn't know, I apologize." I layed my hands on my knees and bent my head.
"Stop apologizing, you didn't do anything. Come here" He hugged me close to him. I didn't bother fighting him. He knew me, Sere, that's what he called me, it's so pretty. I like my name, he's so nice and he's my boyfriend. I couldn't help but hug him back. "Honey what happened to you?" He asked kissing the top of my head, I felt so safe with him. His kiss sent shivers down my body.
"I-I fell on the bus." I said with my face burried in his shirt. "I don't remember anything, but falling and hitting my head and wondering the streets. I don't know who I am."
"Oh, Sere, we need to get you to the hospital right away." He pulled me away from him and took my face in his hands. All I wnated to do was burry myself in his arms and hide from the rest of the world.
"No, please I'm fine there is no need to take me there, I'm perfectly ok." I didn't want him to take me anywhere, besides the fact I couldn't remember what a hospital was.
"No your not, Sere, have you seen your head in the mirror? You have a giant bump. It's purple and it's swelling." He examined my forehead, my cheks turned rosy. He moved pices of my hair away from my forehead. "There are tiny cuts on your forehead. I'm worried about you Sere." He looked into my eyes, his were emerald blue.
"B-but I'm scared." I confesed, I couldn't lie to his eyes, I just couldn't.
"Remember, I told you this before and I will always tell you this. As long you're with me, you'll always be safe and nothing or no one will harm you, just as long as you're with me, I'll protecht you always and forever, Sere." He let my face go and stood up, He picked up my book bag and threw it over his shoulders."Let's go, my house, isn't very far from here, I'll take you to the hospital. Just take my hand." He held his hand out for me to take."It'll all be ok, I promise you." I reched for his hand, my hand shook, my hole body was thrembling, I was scared, but something in his eyes told me I had nothing to be scared of from him. He took my hand and rose me up off of the bench. Pulling me close, he put his arm around my shoulder and I leaned my head on him. I just now realized how tall he was. I know his my boyfriend, atleast that's what he said, but I'm too scared to put my arms around him. He started walking and I walked at the same pace as he did. "I'm so glad I took this walk today. I felt something in my heart telling me you needed me. Thank God I was the one who found you. Sere this isn't a very nice naighborhood. I told you not to come here alone." He seemed to blame me, but before I had a chanse to apologize, he continued talking as we walked out of the gates of the park."Don't apologize, you didn't know. I'm just happy nothing happened to you." We walked quietly without talking untill we reached a small baby blue house. "Sere, honey, this is where I live." As we eached the door he took keys out of his pocket and opened the door. He let me go and I stood shyly by myself as he took my bookbag off of his shoulders and took his sneckers off. I tryed to shrink, I felt so out of place. I had no idea how to take off the high healed sandals I was wearing, that were strapped up my legs.
"Hey, dad you still here!" He yelled in to the house as he pulled off his socks and sliped his feet into a pir of sandals, with one strap across his foot.
"No, honey you're dad left!"I hurd a female voice answer from a cracked open door on the right side of the living room.
"Mom, come here a sec!" He called. I felt so scared.
"What honey?"Asked, a brown haired woman, walking out of the door that her voice was hurd from. She was less then a foot taller then me, she wore a simple shirt and jeans and an appron. I wanted to disapper when she glanced at me. "Oh Sarina, honey, your shivering." She walked to me taking a jaket from the hanger and putting it over on me. And looking me over.
"T-thank you." My voice seemed as thrembling as my body.
"Darien, hon, hon what happened?" His mother asked crossing her arms in front of her chest.
"Mom, I found Sarina when I was in the park, she hit her head-" Before Darien could finish his sentence his mom gasped
"Sarina that bump on your head is giant, we have to take you to the hospital!" She seemed even more worried then Darien was when he saw it on my forehead."Darien, I'm going to get the car keys and turn off everything in the kitchen, help Sarina out of those shoes, their probably the reason she fell." As the woman walked to the kichen she mumbled how offle all this was.
Darien sat down on the floor." Stay still, let me untie the straps of your shoes. I told you not to wear them to school." He untied the straps and getting up helped Sarina out of the shoes. Now he was even taller.
"D-Darien I'm sorry." I didn't know what to say, I felt so bad.
Darien went over to a door and opened it, showing me a closet behind it. He took a pair of flip flops out. "Here, "he put them on the floor,"pur those on, thir easyer to walk in." He looked at me, but I avoided his eyes, by slipping my tired feet in the flip flops, but as I looked up at him, he was still looking at me. "I just hope your ok."
My head felt dissy, as I blinked my eyes blured "Darien,"my heavy eye lids were closing my eyes and I felt myself starting to fall and as I was loosing my contiosness, I felt someone's arms catch me and pick me up.
I slowely felt contios again. My head was pounding, my eyelids were still heavy, but I slowely managed to open my eyes. I had to blink a few times before the room became mostly clear to see. I think I'm not wearing my glassis, that's why everything was kind of blurry. I saw Darien sitting next to my bed. I'm in a hospital, I remember what a hospital is now. Seeing Darien makes my heart beat faster.
"Sere, you alright? You do remember me right?"He asked chewing his lip.
"Yeah, I remember you Darien, but I still don't have my memory back." I saw a glims of diapointment in his eyes.
"Here," He handed me my glasis and I put them on. The room became clearer and brighter.
"Thanks."I smiled."What happened to me?" I asked hoping he knew.
"What allways happens to you."He seemed sad."You don't eat very much, you skip luch if I'm not arund and you make yourself throw up. You don't take care of yourself and it's my fault. I shouldn't have done so many extra coriculers this year. I'm droping out of a few, so I'll alway be free for lunch. This is the third time this school year this happened to you and it's barelly november. I know you lost your memory, the doctor still has no good explanation why. He thinks that, it wasn't just the bump on your head, it was that a part of you thought you were treating yourself horribly and it over powered your bran, making you forget everything, or something like that."
"My head hurts really bad." I complained closing my eyes.
"I'll ask the doctor to give you some pills. I called your mom, she's working a night shift, so you can just stay at the hospital tonight and you were sepose to stay over for the weekend anyway. So I guess we'll get a head start on that. There is no school tomorow, even though it's friday. I called your dad too, he's in Peru. He said he'll come see you. He worries about you more then your mom does." I was starting to open my eyes to look at Darien, but he just put his hand on my cheek." No, Sere close your eyes, close your eyes and go to sleep, you need it. I'll be right here, I'll take care of you. If you need anything just tell me." He took my glasis off.
"Darien, I'm cold." I said quietly, tears started dripping down my cheeks.
"Shh...it's ok."He leaned down and hugged me, but he was more holding me close, as if afraid I'd some how leave. I didn't have the stregth to hug him back and I felt my self fade off to sleep.
I felt so rested and relaxed when I opened my eyes. I saw Darien, asleep in the chair he was sitting in. I couldn't help but smile, he looked so cute. I rubbed my eyes. My glasis were on the night stand. I put them on and got out of the hospital bed. After I came back from going to the bathroom Darien was still asleep. I sat on the bed facing him. I wonder what he's dreaming about. I wonder if he's dreaming about me . . no, he can't be, who's dream about me. The door of my room cracked open and Darien's mom gestured me to come to her. I did.
"Morning, Sarina, Darien still asleep?" She asked
"Yeah."
Darien's mom smiled.
"What?" I asked feeling embarased
"You have that look on your face." Darien's mom sipped her coffee. "Let's take a walk, you must be hungry."
"Yeah. What look do I have on my face?" I asked serously
Darien's mom started walking and I fallowed. "That look, that the moment your talking, you see his face and you think about him, Darien I mean."
I felt so embarased, that I put my face in my hands.
"It's nothing to be imbarased about honey. Even though you don't remember everything you've been through with Darien, your heart still loves him. You can't help it."
I wish I could fall of the face of the earth, I'm talking to Darien's mom. And she saw that look on my face.
"Ok, I see a change of subject is in order."Darien's mom smiled. "What do you want for braikfast?"
After having braikfast with Darien's mom, she took me strait to the doctor that was sepoust to exemen me and he did. His name was Dr. Garner. He gave me some cream for the bump and said that unless his theory, about "the real me" having to hate the things I was doing to myself, or just me hating my life for some reason, something made me forget everything, as a protective mechinism in me, or something like that. I didn't relly care, all I cared about was getting out of here. Darien's mom went to get the car, sending me to get Darien.
As I walk down this hall way, I'm scared. What in the world could I have done that I didn't even want to know. I had to ask Darien to tell me everything he knew about me. What am most afraid of is whateven I've done, was some how something related to Darien, something that would hurt him. I wonder how many secrets did I have, I feel so lost and he's my only light. Why can't I just be a normal girl in a normal world. Well I guess that wish came true and I fogot everything. Here's the room. I open the door, Darien's still sleping. I sit down on the bed in front of him and nudge him awake.
"Darien wake up, it's time to go." I can help but smile as he opens his eyes.
"How long have I been asleep?" He asked.
"A long time, come on, we have to go." I said getting up.
"Ok, Sere." He said simply, getting up and walking after me as I headed out of the room. As we walked down the hall again, he ran a few steps to catch up with me and took my hand into his. "Is everything ok Sere?" He asked
"I don't know. We have to talk later." I said, I had to tll him of my sospisions. He was the most amazing guy I've ever met, even though I couldn't remember him, I just got that feeling from him.
"Ok, Sere." It seemed like he knew something. I relaxed, feeling his hand clunch mine, it seemed like he was holding on to me, as if there was something pulling them apart. We were both very quet during the ride to Mrs. Shelds office. Yes, I finaly know what to call Darien's mom. She gave the keys to Darien and said that she'll call him if she can't get a ride from one of her co-workers. Darien got in the drivers seat and I sat in front next to him. He started the car and drove.
"Sere what did you wana talk about?" He asked, he seemed nervious.
"I think I know why I lost my memory, I think I was doing something bad. Something that if you knew, would hurt you." She bit her lip.
"You've done alot of those things Sere." He said relieved in a way.
"Why do you call me Sere, not Sarina, that's my name isn't it?" I asked nerviously.
He smiled, reminising for a second. "Because no one else does. It used to enoy you so much, when we where little, I remember you chaised me around for calling you Sere, but I remember about two year go, when I told you I liked you and I kissed you, the first thing you said after was how much you liked me to call you Sere, that it made you feel spesial and different."
"Does this have anything to do with the bad things I've done?" I asked now clunching my hands in my lap.
"Yeah." Darien stopped at the red light. He glanced at me. "You tryed to stay the same for me. Because of the nickname. You made sort of two personalities in your head. One was the real you, the one that changed and grew. Sarina, that was the real you, only your friends saw that part of you. But for me you felt the need to be cheery and smile and laugh. You stayed such a sweatheart and I got used to it. I didn't notice anything was wrong. But just a few months ago I found out how I've changed and you haven't. I couldn't believe that we've grown apart, I couldn't let it happen." Darien started the car as the light turned green. He watched the road as he spoke. " When I asked you what was wrong, told you what I thought, you got mad. You threw stuff at me and yelled at me about how, you being mad was what I wanted. I calmed you down and you just started crying and begging me not to end this. I was planing on to ever end it, I swear." Darien paused
"I don't want to be that again."I said, tears forming in my eyes, I grabbed Darien's arm tight, and hid my face in the sleeve of his jaket.
"It's ok, you don't need to know what happened, it doesn't matter. I won't call you Sere, if you don't want me to."I felt him look at me for a second.
"Darien," I said after a long silents.
"What?" He asked making a turn.
"Why is it so hard?"
"It isn't. If you love me, we can live through anything together. You know what I think?" He asked turning and parking in the drive way. I pulled away from his arms and looked into his eyes.
"What Darien?"
"I think that we should start over. Forget everything that happened to us before all the bad things." He took his seat belt off and watched me unbuckle myne.
I looked up at him again. "Tell me the rest of the story first." I demanded in a calm voice.
"Fine, but you won't like it."He said exiting the car. I got out too and we walked to the house. As we did he held my hand really tight. He unlocked the door and we walked it, taking off our shoes, without letting go of eachother's hands. "Sarina promise me something, before I tell you the rest of this story." He looked at me as we stood in the hall.
"What?" I asked nerviously
"Promise me two things."I nodded. "Promise me you won't hate yourself for what you've done, because I believe it wasn't the real you doing it. And promise me you'll stay with me. I did some things I'm not very proud of. Promise me you'll hear the hole story before you judge me or yourself."
"That's more then one thing Darien."I said trying to lighten the conversation. Seeing the look on his face I knew what to say. "I promise Darien."
"Thank you." He led me barefoot up the carpited stairs and into a room. It was his. She smiled seing a big picture frame on his night stand witha picture of him and her. On the walls hang pictures of them and other people, but at least one of them was in each picture. Darien's bed was made, his room was kind of clean. Some clothes lay messily on the flour or stuffed in the loundry basket. There was a table with a computer and a buletine board on the wall in front of it, on the side of the computer. "Sarina, I have tell you the rest of the story, before I start trying to find a way not to tell you. "
"Ok." He led me to his bed and we sat down, the sun was shinning through the windows.
Darien tok a few deep breaths before starting to talk again." After I calmed ou down I asked you to be yourself around me. I didn't recognize you. You were really so angry and rebelios and hurt, but I never knew. You were so different that I wanted my little angel back, how could I tell you that. It took you a hole week to remember not to act different around me. But then you started wantingus to be closer. You wanted me to have sex with you." I put my hands over my mouth. I would never say or think anything like that. "I said no, because we desided to wait till after highschool. You got mad and pissed off. You stormed out saying that if you couldn't get what you needed from me, you'd get it somewere else. You did."He took a deep breath, I was squising my hands over my mouth fosing myself not to scream."I was horrified when I found out. You didn't care and broke up with me. A few days later you relized the guy only wanted sexfrom you and nothing else, so you broke up with him and I was there to pickup the pieces. You started crying and made me promice you that no one would touch you, but it was fake. In a few days you were cheeting on me again not with one guy, no you started sleeping around. I did something I'll regret for the rest of my life. I dragged you to an alley and tryed to argue with you, I couldn't lose you, not like that. You started just pushing me and hitting me for no reason, I pushed you against the wall and I-" He stopped.
"What did you do?" I asked with my hands still holding my mouth. How could I be like that.
"When you got me really pissed off I pinned you against the wall and I said "Since you've been giving it up to every other guy in school maybe you could find a minuet for your boyfriend to have a turn." I couldn't control myself, I started ripping your clothes untill you were wearing nothing, covering yourself with your arms, only then I relized what I was doing. I gave you the work out clother for gym I had and I took you home. Instead of being mad you became depressed. You pushed me away. A week ago you an to me crying, saying thia guy raped you. I was true. I reported him and he got sent to jail. We seemed to have made it and you were normal again, not perfect, not hoorrible. But lately something's been telling me you were cheeting on me again." Darien bit his lip then taking my hands from my moth tightly in his he for me to talk.
"Darien, I-"I couldn't believe I was like that ones in my life. How could I be like that, I was such a whore. Even thinking that word made me turn red.Darien seemed to have caught on to that.
"Sarina, your not a whore, what happened doesn't matter. Remember the doctor said that the reason all thins happened was because you hated who you were, which means that the reason you don't remember anything was because you didn't want to remember." Tears found their way down my checks. "No, don't cry."Darien took me in his arms and held me close. "It's ok, it's all going to be ok." He wispered
"Darien," I said through my tears talking into his chest, holding on to him tight,"then why didn't I remember you or my mom or dad or anyone?"
"Because all those people were in your life and couldn't or wouldn't make it better." He held me closer. "I promise you I'm here now."
We sat there. Me hiding hopelessly from life close to him, and he was just holding me, trying to protect me from all bad. The longer I stayed next to him, my arms around him, I started to feel my pain ever so slowly fade into him and after what seemed to be long and restless hours of him wispering the sweetest things to me which calmed and relaxed me. I seemed to fit ever so perfectly into his arms like I was made for him to hold. I didn't feel restless or lost anymore. I felt safe, wanted, loved. I wasn't cold, I wasn't alone, not anymore. Hours passed aimlessly and finaly I fell asleep.
When I opened my eyes I was lying in Darien's arms, he was leaning back on the wall behind the bed.
"Are you ok?" He asked titling my chin up to look at him."