For 'The Writer' competition on HPFC :)
Why?
I still remember the day as if it were yesterday. I can still feel the hollow, emptiness inside of me. I look back at old pictures, reminiscing the good times. Like the years we spent at school, carefree and happy. We were so in love – I could see it in your eyes. I could feel it when you kissed me. Why did you have to mess everything up? Why did you lie? Why did you ruin every chance of happiness I could've had? Why did you leave me? Why did you break my heart and expect me to pick up the pieces myself? I can't pick up the pieces. My heart was completely shattered and I wouldn't know where to begin. I know I left some of my heart residing in you, and now I don't even know where you are. Why did you run away? What are you hiding from?
It was a beautiful summers day and I was the most nervous I'd ever been in my entire life. I'd been waiting for this day for years and now that it had arrived, I felt like the luckiest person on Earth. I was marrying Sirius Black. The one person who I'd loved right from the start. The person I'd have a future with. I was so happy that I didn't think that anything could go wrong. I didn't think anything could ruin my wedding.
Boy, was I wrong!
I was getting ready to walk down the aisle. I was on the verge of hyperventilation but Lily was there to calm me down. Peter smiled at me reassuringly, and I felt my nerves melting away into joy. It was really happening! I couldn't think of any other time I'd been happier than this... As I stepped out, I saw him for the first time that day. He looked so handsome. He looked nervous and I smiled. I thought to myself 'at least it's not just me'. As I reached him, we interlocked arms and I couldn't help grinning up at him. He gave me a weak smile and we began walking down the aisle. I spotted people in the crowd whom I liked and they waved to me and gave me thumbs up. I looked back up at Sirius and he looked nauseous. Surely he couldn't be that nervous... I knew I was nervous, but that had sort of dissolved into happiness and excitement.
As we reached the end of the aisle, we turned to face each other, holding hands. He had tears in his eyes... happy tears? But he didn't look happy at all. He looked miserable. The room grew quiet as the vicar began speaking. I didn't hear the words the vicar spoke; I was too busy looking at Sirius with worry. Wasn't he happy with me? He was the one who asked me to marry him...
It had to be the nerves.
I was aware that he was sweating, and he began shaking. I was really worried now. What was wrong with him? Tears started rolling down his cheeks.
"Sirius?" I asked quietly. He looked at me with a pain-stricken expression. "Are you all right?"
"Remus," he said softly. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?" I asked. He pulled his hands away from me, closing his eyes. When he opened them, they were cold and distant.
"You know me Remus. I don't do love. Goodbye."
And he left. He just walked out. He left me, just like that. The room was silent, except the sound of Sirius's footsteps and the slam of the door. I could feel tears forming in my eyes, and I was vaguely aware of James pulling me into a hug. There were murmurs around the room, and I heard people telling me they were so sorry. I nodded absently. I still hadn't completely registered what had happened.
Sirius was gone. Sirius wasn't marrying me. Sirius 'didn't do love'. Sirius left me at the alter. He made me look like a fool. He broke my heart. He killed me. He wasn't coming back. He didn't love me.
I broke down, clutching to James's shirt for support. I cried. My eyes were stinging, but I didn't care. How could Sirius leave me? Who gave him the right to play with my heart and then RIP it right out of my chest?
I ran. I ran and ran and ran, and didn't stop. I was losing my breath and my heart was beating hard and fast, but I didn't care. My heart was broken anyway. I could taste the salty tears that I'd cried; a reminder that it had all happened so suddenly, and so quickly. I continued running. I felt numbness take over me and I was engulfed into a life of pain and hurt and emptiness.
Since that day, I'd been the same. I'd asked the same questions, over and over again. I hadn't even seen or heard from him. Where did he go? Was he even still alive?
I know that I'll always love him, no matter how much he trampled on my heart. He was the one person who could make me smile when I was sad. He was the one person who could make me laugh when I was angry. He was the only person who could make me fell so human and alive and whole. He changed my life in every way possible. He changed me for the better. He made me realize that I was worth something and I'll always remember how special he made me feel. I loved him more than anybody could love anyone else. Nobody had a bond like ours; it was truly magical.
I'm dying now. I'm leaving this world and entering a new one. As I slip into unconsciousness, the one thing – one question that is playing on my mind is why? The answer has so many possibilities, and if only I'd known the answer, then maybe I might have been dying with Sirius today. I wouldn't be dying sad and lonely. I'd be remembering our wedding day as the greatest, happiest day of my life.
But I don't know the answer. I will die alone and sad. I will die never knowing the answer to the questions I've been asking for years. Why?
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