Summary: What if, in an alternate timeline, Jack was never thrown into the trolls' game session? When Karkat claims the ultimate prize, Hussie pops up to offer each of the trolls one wish. To grant every wish with one move, he sends them into the world they created, with new and better lives. But how long will it all last?
I NEED TO STOP STARTING NEW FICS. ALDGKHADLG.
But anyway, I hope everyone enjoys this lovely beginning to a hopefully lovely fic?
Idiosyncrasy
Chapter 1-
Karkat Vantas posted a comment in Trolls.
Karkat Vantas: ALRIGHT GUYS. I THINK WE'VE MANAGED TO FIND EACH OTHERS' LOCATIONS, SAVE ARADIA'S. AGAIN, IF ANYONE HAS INFO ABOUT HER, FREAKING TELL US ALREADY, OKAY? BOTH VRISKA AND I HAVE CONTACTED THE ORANGE IDIOT, BUT HE FERVENTLY DENIES OUR EXISTANCE. HE THINKS WE'RE INSANE. BUT APPARENTLY WE GAVE HIM A GOOD IDEA FOR A STORY OR SOMETHING? ANYWAY, HIS EMINENT DEMISE IS BESIDES THE POINT. I WILL DEAL WITH HIM AS SOON AS I CAN.
Karkat Vantas: MOST OF US ARE ON THIS *NORTH AMERICA* CONTINENT, SO WE ARE TO MEET UP HERE, PREFERABLY IN NORTHWEST-WEST UNITED STATES. NEPETA AND ERIDAN, FIND A WAY ACROSS THE OCEAN. TAVROS, I GUESS YOU CAN FLY UP HERE OR SOMETHING. TRY AND REMEMBER TO USE THAT GOOGLE TRANSLATE THING IF YOU WANT TO RESPOND BACK TO THIS.
Terra Pyrope: Wow. Isn't that something. Hussie won't listen to us. Anyway, it's great and all that we're getting the gang back together, but we're -humans- now. That means no quirk.
Karkat Vantas: I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT, *TEREZI*? I DON'T SPEAK NON-QUIRK.
Terra Pyrope: F1N3. YOU 4R3 1NSUFF3ER4BL3. BUT HON3STLY TH1S 1S K1ND4 H4RD TO TYP3 4FT3R SO LONG.
Terra Pyrope: Nah, I've decided to take the much easier route of typing. It's hard to hunt and peck out a quirk when you're blind and have no way of smelling or licking colors anymore. I really hope no humans read this.
Karkat Vantas: ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT YOU ARE A SHAME TO TROLLS EVERYWHERE, WE NEED TO STAY ON TOPIC. WE SCREWED UP. WE NEED TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT AGAIN.
Terra Pyrope: How, Karkat? It's over. No more Sgrub. No more adventure. You're the one who wanted things to finally be normal, remember? I'll ask my dad and Leah, but it's going to be difficult to get to Washington from Texas.
Karkat Vantas: DON'T EVEN MENTION YOU'RE WEIRD SISTER/ANCESTOR/ WHATEVER THE HECK LEAH IS. GAMZEE AND FEFERI SAID THEY CAN PAY ANY EXPENSES. I DON'T SEE HOW TRAVEL CAN BE AN ISSUE.
Terra Pyrope: I know that, idiot. Gabriel and Fay have already messaged us too. Gabriel still wants his sloppy make-outs. He says he won't count the one Victoria gave him to shut up him up in front of Hussie.
Karkat Vantas: NO. *GAMZEE AND FEFERI AND VRISKA*.
Terra Pyrope: They don't even use their troll names anymore! It's just you! Seriously, Karkat, this is starting to get old. It's been a freaking year already. Maybe you should listen to your stupid uncle and get a nice HUMAN life.
Terra Pyrope: Look. I'll see what I can do about traveling to your place this Christmas break, but I'm a busy blind girl. I'm stuck with Dave and Dirk for at least a week while the electricity in their apartment gets rewired. Do you know how taxing it is to baby sit two Striders with Leah in the same household? WITH the Striders?
Karkat Vantas: YOU'VE COMPLETELY GONE TO THE DARKSIDE. ALL OF YOU. FINE THEN. I'LL FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE THINGS GO BACK TO NORMAL ON MY OWN. IF YOU WANT TO COME TO WASHINGTON, AWESOME. IF NOT, HAVE FUN WITH YOUR STUPID HUMAN NAMES, FRIENDS, AND WRITING.
Karkat Vantas has deleted the group Trolls.
Karkat Vantas has started the group Trolls.
Karkat Vantas: DANG IT. THE RED SWEATER DOOFUS IS HERE TO TALK TO MY LUSUS AGAIN. APPARENTLY I SHOULD BE GROUNDED FROM THE COMPUTER UNTIL I GET A *HEALTHY AND PRODUCTIVE* NEW HOBBY. I AM RUNNING AWAY TO JOHN'S HOUSE LATER. I'LL USE HIS COMPUTER TO TROLL YOU GUYS BACK TO YOUR ALTERNIAN WAYS IN NO TIME.
Edward Ampora: Kris, vous faites un idiot énorme de vous-même. Vous avez oublié de rendre le groupe privé.
Karkat Vantas: ERIDAN, HOW MANY EFFING TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO TRANSLATE YOUR FRENCH CRAP? GREAT. JUST GREAT. HOLD ON WHILE I HAVE TO GOOGLE TRANSLATE THIS.
John Egbert: Uh, Kris? I hope I'm not bombing another of your alien rp's again, but you kinda can't run away to my place tonight. Victoria and I are kind of having a Nic Cage marathon date thing. Well, I hope it's a date thing. Anyway, sorry, dude.
Karkat Vantas: ZLDKHGALGDKUOIENG HUSSIE I HATE YOU.
Karkat Vantas has deleted the group Trolls.
((((()))))
Karkat smacked his face down on his keyboard with the most teenagery groan he could muster. The Red Sweater Doofus was still downstairs lecturing his "dad" about his concerns for "Kris's" well-being. As if he wasn't already annoying as heck at school. Kent Vantas, his supposed "uncle", was not only Karkat's insufferable neighbor, but also the guidance councilor at school. As such, Karkat was basically stalked 24/7 by this freak.
"…positive taking away his internet privileges will encourage him to seek out new friends. Kris uses the computer as an 'escape' of sorts from reality. I believe the trauma of his mother's death and the sudden move here to Seattle have turned him into a recluse. He keeps hiding from the truth with these silly ideas about him being a- you know. The A-Word shouldn't be said around him, since it could possibly be a trigger word. I would advise kind and gentle urging towards a healthier lifestyle."
"I would advise you to kindly get your snobby butt out of my hive," Karkat muttered. Ugh, what was he thinking, wishing for a normal life? When he made his wish, he wanted Alternia to come back. No one wanted to become human and live on earth.
He turned off his computer and went straight to his closet, handy backpack in tow. Uncle Kent's obnoxious voice continued twittering away downstairs. At least he was giving Karkat plenty of time to pack. He had a week's worth of clothes and his homework stuffed away before Uncle Kent had even changed the subject to "Kris's" atrocious grades. Again, his time on Facebook and PesterChum was surely to blame.
His dad hadn't uttered a word before Karkat yanked his bedroom window open, greeting the chilly Seattle breeze with a stony face. John and Vriska were having a date tonight, but Karkat couldn't find it in himself to care. They would be downstairs all night watching Con Air, so it wouldn't matter if Karkat hung out in John's room. If nothing else, he could help Mr. Egbert and Jane bake.
It was easy to climb down the side of the house after months of practice. Running away was a hobby of his, but it was highly unacceptable and dangerous- according to Uncle Kent. Karkat had a sinking suspicion he was supposed to be his Alternian ancestor, the Sufferer. Kent had a big thing for equality, which Karkat figured could translate into having a thing for caste equality. It also helped that Karkat unfortunately could pass for his younger twin.
He couldn't quite decide on what he hated the most about the humans and their earth. Their blatant mockery of Alternian culture? How awfully boring and mundane they all were?
Though John was basically the only sort-of-close human acquaintance he had, Karkat wasn't entirely sure he liked him that much either. But, as he soon reached the Egbert mailbox, Karkat decided he wasn't as bad as the other moronic humans. Maybe Hussie had purposely plopped him in John's neighborhood so he could have someone he could talk to in person that wasn't Vriska Serket.
Vriska was a fellow troll and Karkat was glad to have her around, but the fact that she was still the same Vriska he had known on Alternia kept them distant. Meeting John had made her slightly less of an absolute jerk, thankfully. However, when John wasn't around, it was back to being a sociopath.
Karkat shuddered to think about her and John sitting on the same couch inches apart, drooling over each other and the stupidest movie in existence. How could anyone stand being in her presence for an extended period of time?
John was a stupid human. Now it made perfect sense!
Eager footsteps rushed to the door when Karkat gave the doorbell a grumpy ring. "Victoria, you're really early, and-"
John wilted when the love of his life was not standing on his porch. He quickly cheered up and led Karkat inside, despite his earlier complaining. John was good for doing things like that.
The living room was plastered with absurd portraits of harlequins and other memorabilia. Harlequins and clowns weren't the same thing, but Karkat couldn't help but think of Gamzee every time he walked into John's house. Gamzee wasn't as far away as Terezi and the others, but California wasn't exactly in Karkat's backyard either. Feferi lived in Arizona with her Betty Crocker-obsessed model mother (and here Karkat thought he had the dysfunctional human family). Terezi, of course, lived in Texas with her father and sister, in the same neighborhood as the infamous Strider abominations.
His hatred for Dave was a subject he didn't like to get into. Karkat wasn't sure which state Equius lived in, but it was somewhere in the Midwest. He lived on a horse ranch outside one of the local reservations, so obviously he had a better life than some of the others. Karkat hadn't heard a complaint out of him, except to say he missed seeing Nepeta. Sollux was somewhere in Chicago working as an intern for his cousin (also probably an ancestor). He also lived with Micah. Apparently his lusus-parents were a sore subject.
Kanaya also lived in the states, on the other side of the country in Maine. Things were apparently good for her too, as it was for Eridan, living far across the world from them in Paris, France. He, Tavros, and Nepeta had been the last of their group to be found, aside from Aradia, who was still unnervingly missing in action. Tavros was still in the Western Hemisphere, living in Argentina. It had been pure luck to run into Nepeta on Facebook, who had spent her time in this life traveling around Africa. Karkat wasn't sure where she exactly lived, since she was always on the move with her deaf older sister, Mahala.
Back in Washington state, however, Karkat followed John over to the couch. As usual, just a room away, the sounds of Mr. Egbert and Jane baking in the kitchen could be heard over the muted TV. A bowl of popcorn already set on the coffee table, along with two glasses of-
"Faygo is the most vile crap in existence," Karkat snarled, pausing to wretch at the mess. "Vriska would probably puke if she drank it."
"But I thought you said she liked Faygo!" John cried, snatching up the glasses in horror. Anything that could compromise this wondrous occasion had to be disposed of immediately! "DAD, NANA, WE MUST DISPOSE OF THE FAYGO IMMEDIATELY!"
Jane poked her head into the room, wiping her wrinkled hands on her bright red apron. Seeing the Betty Crocker logo repulsed John and Karkat, but Jane paid no mind to their horror. "Sorry, dearie. What was that? Oh, and hello, Kristopher. Running away from home again, young man?"
"Yeah," Karkat answered. He didn't bother to correct Jane on his name. As with John, trying to tell her the truth had just resulted in some very odd looks. At least John had the decency to call him Karkat. It took him several months, but he finally came to realize that Victoria was Vriska, too. Now, if only Karkat could get him to start calling her Vriska….
The coolest Nana ever grinned and pulled out a freshly iced cupcake. "Then I hope you start to feel better soon, Kristopher. It's red velvet with a strawberry filling. My son and I have been experimenting."
"Thanks." Karkat hadn't been entirely truthful before. John wasn't the only semi-tolerable human. His grandmother was an amazing person- not that Karkat would ever say that aloud, of course. She didn't believe his story, but she did seem to understand when he ran away. Jane always had a cupcake ready for him, as if she somehow knew when he was about to pop up.
Betty Crocker sure felt like the enemy for whatever reason, but those cupcakes….
Dem cupcakes.
John ran back to the couch with two new glasses filled with Kool-Aid, the classiest drinks available to two kids on a Con Air date.
Maybe Uncle Kent was right about him getting new friends. Not that he was friends with the smelly human! No way would he ever have that kind of association with the enemy!
"I take it you're crashing here for the next week?" John asked, looking over his perfect arrangements. The only thing missing was a bouquet of roses. Karkat figured he'd have to solve this issue by running out to Wal-Mart soon. Going from Troll to Human had introduced him to a life's worth of crappy human and fake memories so he wouldn't be completely blind sided, but he still retained everything from Alternia. Including his precious rom-coms. Passing on his Alternian romantic legacy to John would preserve his culture, if only in a highly diluted and butchered way.
Karkat had learned the hard way that beggars couldn't be choosers.
John plopped down on the couch, terror plain on his face. Karkat followed suit with a sigh. "Do we seriously need to have this stupid conversation again?"
"No," John grumbled. He picked up his Con Air DVD and bit his lip. It had been handled as if it were the most precious and valuable thing he owned, but the subtle wear and tear could still be seen. The case was starting to fade in color a bit and the DVD probably had a few scratches on it. John sighed, gently tossing it back on the table. "But what if she-"
"She's not coming over just to see Nic Cage's sweaty, greasy body, okay? No one in their right mind would ever want to see such a brain-melting repulsion," Karkat snapped. He dug through his bag of provisions and threw a shirt at his frie- er, acquaintance. "Now change into something classier than that."
He chuckled, getting up to head to his room. John gave him an irritating pat on the head, exactly the way Karkat had told him again and again not to. "Thanks, Karkat. I'll go ahead and make up a bed for you, okay?"
"…Yeah. Thanks, John."
((((()))))
It was hot in Terezi's tiny ranch house. Leah currently stood in front of the only tiny air conditioner the Pyrope's owned, hogging all of the sweet cool air. If only they had reached God-Tier, been able to bring their awesome powers with them, and Tavros was here. Tavros wouldn't let her roast like this!
Living in Texas had introduced Terezi to the beauty of wearing shorts on a daily basis, as opposed to her strict jeans policy on Alternia. She would be lying if she said she didn't miss it. There were no scalemates to hang from the trees. Actually, there weren't even any trees. She lived in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by dust and crispy, dry grass. Not that she would have known that if Dad and Dave hadn't told her.
What perhaps sucked the worst about being human was being stricken totally blind without the awesome Alternian benefits. When she was sure Leah, Dad, and the Striders weren't around, she had tried licking different stuff, but she never tasted any color. The same went with sniffing- absolutely nothing, aside from the smell of a mucky old house and the smog from Houston.
Things weren't totally bad, though. Terezi had apparently learned to read Braille a few years ago and had a sick computer program that would read her emails, Facebook, and PesterChum to her. This program couldn't pronounce any of their Trollian names correctly, but Terezi liked to think of herself as a mighty good guesser. It was able to read their human names perfectly, however, which helped her quickly assimilate.
Kind of.
These human memories gave her knowledge on all sorts of things, but she couldn't help but think back to her Alternian teachings.
Take for instance buckets.
Terezi knew from the memories that there was absolutely nothing dirty about buckets and their use. She apparently had many fond memories of washing Dad's car with a sponge and bucket shared with Leah. Most of these car washings had resulted in her and Leah getting cleaner than the car. But Mr. Pyrope considered this a success in itself, so he never complained.
But… but buckets. THEY WERE NOT AS HARMLESS AND NORMAL AS THEY SEEMED! Because of this, Terezi tried to avoid buckets as much as possible. Unfortunately, she hadn't been very successful. Last Tuesday, for example, she had decided to move into the basement since sharing a room with Leah was the most excruciating thing ever. While carrying down some of her stuff, she accidentally… stepped in a bucket and tripped.
If Leah hadn't been there, Terezi was sure she would have broken down into shameful tears.
But like Karkat often said about anything mundane: it was besides the point.
Terezi had a new misery to look forward to if Leah didn't stop blocking the air conditioner right this second.
"I have done a lot of productive stuff today, so I deserve to hog the air," Leah defiantly stated, probably crossing her arms. Or flipping her off, if Dad wasn't in the room. Leah was about as ladylike as Dave.
"Like what," Terezi growled, crossing her legs over the side of the couch. She could barely feel the ceiling fan circulating the dry, dead air. It was a traitor and she hated it. "All you ever freaking do is flirt with your internet boyfriend. He's probably a pedophile, you know."
"Is not. We've, like, skyped and everything! He's nineteen like me and incredibly radical. Like, more radical than Dave'll ever be."
Terezi felt the heat rise to her cheeks. Geez, did she have to bring Dave into this? "For the millionth time, Leah, I am not in love with Dave Strider!"
"How rude," a voice sounded above her head right as a hand plucked her glasses right off her nose.
"HOW THE HECK DID YOU EVEN GET INTO THE HOUSE, STRIDER?" she shrieked, rolling off the couch. Terezi grabbed her cane and whacked at him. She connected with what was probably Dave's leg and he surrendered the glasses. With the utmost dignity, Terezi reverently placed her bright red shades back on her face. Well, according to Dave they were bright red. She had to take his word for it.
Dave most likely did that annoying one shoulder shrug thing and plopped down on the couch. When Terezi sat down, he had to slightly push her before she sat on him. Leah cackled in the distance, finally moving away from the AC to troll Dirk, likely lurking in the kitchen. Dave elbowed Terezi and placed a cool bottle in her hand. "I brought some apple juice, yo. Thought it'd maybe, you know, cheer you up a bit. That whole K-douche thing really sucks."
"Kris is a delusional idiot who thinks I still play kindergarten games with him," Terezi mumbled.
"Thought his name was Karkat."
"He thinks it is. Again, he's a delusional idiot."
Terezi opened the beautiful bottle of apple juice, savoring the deliciously sweet taste. She had thought nothing could be better tasting than cotton candy, the only thing Alternia and Earth had in common. Then again, cotton candy was probably a universal delicacy, existing on every planet in every frog-shaped universe. Apple juice was a very close second to her beloved cotton candy. It was surely the best thing on Earth.
For some reason, Terezi was always able to tell when Dirk entered the room. He had a certain aura that always alerted her to his presence. To verify this feeling, he leaned over the back of the couch and grumbled, "You are out of popcorn. Without popcorn, we cannot watch the awesome porn I brought. Or hear it. Understand how this is a problem?"
"Bro," Dave deadpanned. "The Little Mermaid is cool and all… I guess…. But it's not porn. Seriously, Bro. It's Disney."
Terezi raised an eyebrow at that. She supposed he brought it for ironic purposes? Most of the time Terezi couldn't tell what was irony and what was pure insanity on Dirk's part. His mind was a scary place, that was for sure.
"You're an idiot. Anyway, me and Leah are going to get some Orville Redenbacher. Suppress your hormonal teenage urges while we're gone, okay?"
There was most definitely some flipping off occurring. Dave turned around to shove him away, cuing Dirk to laugh in triumph. Terezi couldn't be sure, of course, but she had a feeling Dave's face was as red as Karkat's blood was. Er, Troll-Karkat. She remembered that everyone had the same blood color on Earth. That probably drove Equius nuts.
She couldn't keep the sigh at bay when the color-blurs of their faces popped up in her mind. Even on Alternia had she long forgotten their faces after going blind. Maybe she didn't want to remember them. Colors were so much better anyway, with their wonderful scents and scrumptious tastes. It was easier to identify people that way, too. Terezi supposed that was why her wish was to remain blind, no matter what Hussie did to them. She didn't regret that wish, but she was pretty peeved to be completely blind-sided by this.
Ugh. A blind kid joke. As if Dave's weren't awful enough.
"So, you going to see K or not?" Dave asked, breaking the silence Dirk and Leah left behind in their wake. It was a good question that Terezi didn't quite have an answer to yet. She missed Karkat the most out of all the trolls, but he had acted pathetic ever since turning human. He was being stupid and stubborn and still didn't know when to quit. Those were the very reasons he had been chosen as "leader"- as if held any meaning in the first place. But, like she had told him, this was not Sgrub any more. Karkat was not a leader or a troll- he was a boy, trying to sort through matters after losing his mom and moving to the middle of Seattle.
Terezi was also not a troll, but a silly handicapped girl who probably would depend on her family and two friends for the rest of her life. Also, she too didn't have a mom. Human memories told her Mom had left quite a few years ago. Mom was married to some jerk now. They hadn't seen her since she left. Terezi had never seen her.
Losing parents like this obviously didn't faze any of the trolls. Terezi didn't care, and she knew Karkat definitely didn't care. These strangers were not their lusii and could never hope to share that kind of bond. Her "dad" was exactly like her lusus in every way, save being human now. But Hussie had gave him back to her, so she had to be grateful for that.
Only Sollux and Feferi had two parents. Sollux's lusus had split into two humans since his lusus was technically two in one. Feferi's dad was her lusus while her mom was her ancestor person. If Karkat's theory was correct, of course. From what Terezi had heard of her, she certainly did appear to be quite empress-like. Maybe he was right about that. She'd give him that one.
Terezi finally shrugged, settling back into the couch and crossing her arms. "I don't know. I guess I might if some of the others pop up. They're not crazy like Kris."
"Not even that Gabriel dude?"
"Okay, maybe him. But he has good reason to be. I guess one could say insanity ran in the family?" Terezi guessed.
Dave scoffed. "I ran into him once on PesterChum. He's, like, a juggalo and stuff, right? I asked if he'd ever heard of ICP and he completely flipped the heck out. Started ranting about messiahs and miracles stuff. What kind of messed up religion does he have, anyway?"
"I have no idea." Terezi would probably never know, either. She didn't particularly want to know.
Thinking more about Gamzee was really starting to bog her down with annoying nostalgia. If she couldn't find something else to think about, there was no telling what crazy things she might start doing. Maybe she'd finally break down over the buckets again. That would be an interesting thing to talk to Dave about.
Her phone suddenly dinged in her pocket. It was PesterChum again. Terezi grimaced, just knowing it was probably more crap from Karkat. She felt Dave slightly lean into her shoulder. "Says it's from a Eusine Zahhak? Dude. Who would even name their kid that. That is some seriously crappy parenting."
"Actually, his real name is Strong Blue Horse," Terezi explained. "He's a Cherokee Indian. Lives outside the Rez, though. Be a dear and read this for the blind girl, Dave."
"I am freaking Bambi for blind girls who need to read their PesterLogs. No, I am Bambi's dad, the toughest buck in the entire freaking forest. I will stab any hunters who dare enter my forest with my massive antlers. I will brutally bite their shotguns in half like they are spring berries." During this magnificent and totally cool speech, he took the phone from her. After clearing his throat and telling her he was readjusting his reading-shades, Dave began, "'To everyone: I believe I may have found Aradia. I saw her on a TV commercial, and had a poignant feeling-' Ugh, please don't make me read this. He is just… ugh."
"You are Bambi's Bad-A daddy buck. Biggest antlers. Most intense fury for hunters. It is Thanksgiving, Dave. Now read to me."
He most likely gave her one of his supposedly famous Strider Looks before continuing. "'-had a poignant feeling she could be the lost friend we've been looking for. She wore bright red and had Aries earrings. There was another girl with her, slightly older. Perhaps her ancestor?' Terra, what does your friend smoke?"
"Only Gabriel does drugs. Continue."
"Fine. 'I will look into this as soon as I can. The commercial advertised some kind of concert-' Whoa. Wait a minute. Hold up. Red, Aries earrings, concert? Sounds like Aki."
Terezi straightened, turning in his direction. She was probably a few inches off, but whatever. Like it really mattered. "Who is 'Aki'?"
Dave put the phone back in her hand. "She's a new J-pop singer. Pretty famous in Tokyo. Bro loves her. He's already pre-ordered her first CD off Ebay."
That certainly… did not sound like Aradia at all. Terezi deflated in crushing defeat. There just went what was possibly the highlight of her day. Well, after the apple juice, of course. "Not our girl," she muttered. "I figured Equi- er, Eusine of all people would be able to recognize her. Oh well. Any comments on the log yet?"
The phone was handed back to him. "One from a Tomas Nitram. I know we're in Texas and stuff, but I don't know Spanish."
"Kris will probably translate it in a minute."
Dave hummed. "He's not only an alien-wannabe, but now a Mexican too?"
"Besides us, Google is his only friend."
"Ah. Oh, yeah. 'Karkat' posted the translation. And some nasty English. Dude's got quite the potty-mouth. Anyway, Tomas said, 'That's really cool. I hope you find her so we can talk again.' New kid. Scott Captor says, 'Seriously? We found Aradia? Was there a name on the commercial?'"
Dave paused a moment, and Terezi heard the soft clicking of his thumbs writing a reply. When she tried to snatch up her phone, he lifted it out of her range and muttered, "Cool it. I'm telling them her name. Whoa. That is some verbal abuse from K. I'm going to tell him off for you, okay?"
"He knows it's you."
"That's exactly why I'm going to do it. Little bugger needs to accept that I am the bigger buck here. Actually, that's starting to get old. I am now the manliest cross-dressing Mulan to his Hun army. Get out of my freaking China before I sic my mad dragon on you. Mushu will be all over you like sweet-and-sour over my chicken nuggets. My McDonald's chicken nuggets, straight from the fatty but delicious grease, made only a speck healthier so the news will get off our back. Those chicken nuggets are going in a happy meal for you, buddy, but there won't be a toy because that toy is mine. And you wanted fries with that? Too bad. This is Texas. We are strictly carnivores here."
Terezi sighed. "Please tell me you are not typing all of that out."
Dave merely chuckled. "Now this Fay chick is freaking out. Says she's a proud a vegan and I am the scum of the earth. Oh, and there's a lovely message from Gabby, too. Heh. Not even gonna read that nasty biz aloud. Well, looks like Karkat shut up. My work here is done. You're welcome."
Terezi snatched her phone up and stuffed it in her pocket. Dave chuckled again, and his weight suddenly left the side of the couch. His footsteps sounded on the wooden floor, headed for the kitchen. "Do you mind if I steal your pickles and litter Dirk's bed with them?"
Did he just. Terezi rolled her eyes, getting up herself. She stopped in front of the beautiful air conditioner and resolved to remain there just to spite Leah. "Top shelf, beside the mustard and ketchup, Dave."
"Awesome."