A/N: A more angsty look on Edmund's thought. Edmund might be out of character, but I always thought what Edmund might think if he had Peter as a lover. Anyway, yeah I'm still alive and still working on Tempting Fate. It will be updated before the year ends lol. I just have alot of stuff going on :( My mom has me on this new medicine and the side effects are insomnia and eating issues. And I have both! So I haven't slept in like two weeks, and I lost 6 pounds this week and I'm only 104 as it is..My bf just broke up with me too so :( those are my reasons for struggling with updating. Hope you don't hate me.
Anyway, here's a little treat for you.
Disclaimer: Narnia does not belong to me, nor do any of the characters. They belong to C.S. Lewis.
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
Better than me-Hinder
Peter was beautiful. No, that didn't even describe him; there were no words to describe the beauty that Peter possessed. The bronzed skin, the golden locks that curled around his ears and the smile that shone brighter than the sun itself.
Edmund was not beautiful as Peter was. His beauty was foreign, almost unrecognizable. The milky skin stretched over too long limbs, dark hair sitting flat against his skull, lips that never turned upwards into a smile and a heart as cold as winter itself.
When he betrayed Peter to the Witch, it was by choice. He thought Peter deserved this, but as he sat there, ankles bound by the cold chains, he knew better.
He deserved this pain, Peter did not.
When he returned to Peter, eyes downcast in shame, Peter let his gaze linger, untrusting on Edmund. When people glared at his brother and sisters because they trusted him, Edmund would glare back at them.
Edmund deserved the looks he got, Peter did not.
When Peter told him to get the girls and get them home, Edmund started to. Until he realized the White Witch was heading in Peter's direction. He turned and ran, shattering the White Witch's wand, ending her eternal spell. When he felt the pain erupt in his abdomen, he locked eyes with his brother. He tried to offer a smile, it turned into a grimace. He had saved his brother, saved him from this pain.
Edmund deserved death, Peter did not.
When he was healed by Lucy's cordial, he frowned at first, only smiling, when Peter pulled him into his arms in a fierce hug.
Peter deserved life, Edmund did not.
When they were crowned as King and Queen, Edmund smiled because Peter looked beautiful in gold and blue with a golden crown upon his head.
Peter deserved to be King, Edmund did not.
When there were battles to be fought, Edmund would go in place of Peter. He would fight the bloody battles, always being Peter's bloodied sword. He would behead the enemies, he would move past the dead bodies.
Edmund deserved to see, hear, and smell death, Peter did not.
When Edmund had nightmares, he would wake up screaming. Peter would sit by his bedside, holding his hand and chasing away the nightmares. Edmund would encourage him to return to his bed, but Peter would refuse until Edmund fell back asleep.
Edmund deserved fear, Peter did not.
When Edmund came to him, dark and tormented, Peter opened his arms and wrapped his perfect body around the younger boy. When he kissed him, Edmund let out a low whine and pulled away. Edmund did not let himself touch Peter because he was afraid of tarnishing that perfect beauty.
Edmund did not deserve this beauty.
Peter, of course, would not let him believe such things and would pull Edmund closer to his hard body, pressing small kisses up his jaw. Edmund would stare off into the distance, closing his eyes and telling himself that he didn't deserve Peter. When his brother made love to him, Edmund would stare at his hand in between their bodies, but never made a move to touch the older.
He did not deserve to touch such beauty.
When Peter reached up to place the crown upon Edmund's brow and placed a kiss to his forehead, Edmund let a single tear slide down his cheek. Peter wiped the tear away with his thumb and bent forward to nibble at his ear.
'My dark knight' The words knocked the wind from his chest and Edmund raised his gaze to lock eyes with Peter.
'Beautiful King' He whispered back.
He could not bring himself to say 'my'. Peter did not belong to him.
He did not deserve Peter.
So when a girl offered herself to him, Edmund nodded and brought her to his bed. He told himself this was okay because he deserved this girl. She was at his level, Peter was not. When Peter discovered that Edmund had slept with another, he cried out and slammed his bedroom door closed.
Edmund told himself he deserved this sickening feeling in his heart, but Peter did not.
So, Edmund left. He was gone for a period of five months, returning to a sobbing Peter. When Peter begged him not to leave again, Edmund agreed and allowed himself to be touched by the High King.
When they stumbled back through the wardrobe, their love could no longer continue. Despite their lost love, Peter continued to remain loyal to the memory and never took another. Edmund did not. Peter filled the void in his heart with countless fights, while Edmund filled it with meaningless girls.
Edmund told himself he deserved this feeling of emptiness, Peter did not.
When they were pulled back into Narnia, Peter pressed Edmund to the ruins of Cair Paravel and kissed him against the stone. Edmund locked eyes with him, shook his head and tore himself away from his brother.
Edmund did not deserve Peter after all he'd done.
When they met Prince Caspian in the Shuddering Woods, Edmund could see the hidden desire in Peter's eyes. When he found them in the Stone Table room, foreheads pressed together, breathing ragged, he turned away and walked back up the steps. He could hear Peter calling his name, could feel the hand gripping his shoulder and turning him around, and could see Peter's lips move as he claimed that it meant nothing. He could hear himself dying inside, but he forced a smile on his lips and told Peter it was okay.
There was nothing to forgive, after all. Peter was never his in the first place.
The battle with Miraz left Edmund gasping for breath. Peter did not deserve to die. When the Final battle ended, Edmund walked with Susan back to the castle. He watched as the Prince was crowned, catching the glances exchanged between his brother and the Prince, now King. That night at the party, Edmund sat with drink in hand, watching the dance before him.
He watched as Gentle Susan danced with a handsome Telmarine, Valiant Lucy told heroic stories of her two brothers to a group of young centaurs and fauns in the corner, and Magnificent Peter, oh Magnificent Peter, chatted happily with King Caspian.
But, Just Edmund sat in the corner, alone. Just Edmund.
His name could mean several things really. It could mean fair or one to serve justice. It could also mean he was average, nothing out of the ordinary, that he was just a boy. Edmund liked to believe it was the later. After all, he had never been fair. He should have told Peter that they never could have been together.
After all, it was unbalanced.
Peter was morning, Edmund was night. Peter was summer, Edmund was winter. Peter was fire, Edmund was ice. Peter was magnificent, Edmund was not. Peter was beautiful, Edmund was not.
Peter deserved happiness, Edmund did not.
So, when Caspian asked for Edmund's blessing to court his brother, Edmund looked over his shoulder at his brother. Their gazes locked for a brief second, souls opening up to each other. He tore his gaze away and looked back at the new King. He nodded, offering a faint smile. Peter shot him a shocked look, but Edmund waved it off, taking one last swig of his wine.
Edmund deserved this loneliness, Peter did not.
When he saw Caspian and Peter walking through the gates, hand in hand, he smiled. When he saw Peter shoot him a worried glance, he shook his head and motioned for Peter to continue. Peter would forget him in time. He would soon realize the facts.
Edmund was the past. Caspian was the future.
When Peter came to Edmund, eyes lowered, Edmund began to worry. He discovered Caspian had asked for Peter's hand in marriage and that Peter did not know if he should marry him. Edmund took his hand, smiling at him and said 'do not worry for me, Peter. You love him and so you will marry him'.
Peter smiled at him, gave him a quick kiss on his cheek and whispered his last apology. Edmund just smiled and sent Peter back to Caspian.
When he saw Peter walk down the aisle towards his future husband, he forced his lips to form a smile. When they exchange vows, Edmund felt his heart rip, but he smiled anyway. When they kissed the sacred kiss that sealed their fate, Edmund felt himself finally die inside, but he continued to smile that empty smile. After all….
Caspian deserved Peter. Edmund did not.
Sad I know! Just review, telling me if it sucks or not. Tempting Fate is coming!