Chapter 1

Cook

The rain came down heavily as it hit the muddy earth we all stood, gathered round the hole he was to be left in. I couldn't hold it in any more every face I looked at was shedding tears, crying for an important reason if this is when I was going to let my guard down it was okay because I had a fucking good reason to grieve I had lost everything and had nothing.

My best friend the only resemblance of family I had left disappeared before I could do anything. His friendship meant everything to me if I only sodden told him how much I loved him.

A tear escaped my eye I wanted to collapse down it should have been me, but it wasn't it happened to him. Nothing went good for him well at least not for long he got his girl and walked away for a happy ending but it's wasn't that simple. Nothing is fucking simple I had lost him.

I stood there with the blues for the most amazing guy I had known and was so glad to of known him along with the rest of the people who came along to mourn over him. I tensed up as I felt someone's fingers entwine with mine that was it, that brought me back to reality his gone…

it was Naomi I looked at her as her sympathetic eyes burnt into my skin I put my head on her shoulder, sobbing a result of all my held up emotions of anger how john could of done this to him, sadness that my closest mate has died, and regret that I didn't save him.

I am cook the party animal the person everyone thinks is such a laugh and never takes life to serious but truly I am cook the kid messed up who is alone.

Naomi patted my back hugging me embracing me with her reassurance

"Everything is going to be okay cook" she said whispering in my ear even though we both knew it wasn't.

Naomi was the only one I could open up to nowadays we both understood each other we were close as a guy and girl could be without having to shack up even though she was gay and in love.

I just wanted to stay like that forever in Naomi's arms I felt as if I actually meant something, comfort and warmth for a second I actually had hope for the future but it's not that easy is it?

That's why Freddie's dead, I am going to go to jail for beating the fuck out of the man who killed my best mate and JJ well he's moved on he doesn't need me no more as if I was just something to help him get through part of his life, The three fucking messed up musketeers I am pretty sure this isn't how they ended up in the movie, nah they got the ladies and riches and the good life but that only happens in films…

Effy

I burst into tears as I placed down the flowers I wanted to put on top of Freddie's coffin. Fucking flowers he is worth so much more but i guess you can't place love on top of a coffin

Yes Effy, you fucking loved him

Cook did him right to beat the crap out of john smith he had it coming if you were going to mess with James cooks mate; I learnt that the hard way.

I felt sorry for cook because Freddie was all he had and everyone here knew it he may have a poker face on that everything's going to start looking up from now on but he knows himself that that's bullshit I see right through him.

I stepped back giving other people a chance to say their goodbyes it was the afternoon and it was such a miserable day Freddie didn't deserve a sending off like this, it was shit I looked round at all the eyes most of them watering up. Naomi and Emily opposite me with cook crying into Naomi's shoulder poor guy, JJ was on the other side to cook with his new girlfriend holding his hand he was in tears a total wreck she didn't understand it all, how Freddie kept JJ and cook together he kept the future clear for cook and JJ's head clear so that he wouldn't get locked on she would never realise how much Freddie completed cook and JJ that's why I hated her.

Standing close to me was Katie I was glad she was there though we had become close recently and I felt more comfortable her being there. Tears drizzled down my cheek along with rain Katie wrapped her arm round me hugging in tight I started to relax I hadn't felt much emotion for a long time except sadness and depression and the future wasn't looking to bright for me these days since I lost the only person I had true feelings for, my parents are divorced so I never see my dad and my brother has disappeared from my sight haven't seen him in ages if he was here maybe he could help me, his life turned shit and that's why I looked up to him because he managed to make everything okay after losing Michelle and getting hit by a bus and mum becoming depressed I wish I could get hit by a bus and forget about everything.

I never really believed in God but if I did it wouldn't make a difference Freddie would still be dead and I would still be alone once again when I finally open up to someone I lose them; life is so fucked up. I couldn't handle the love between me and Freddie it was so strong one Minuit I was shagging anything that would wear a condom and the next I was in this major relationship were there were feelings and emotions and I just wasn't ready for it

On the other side to me was Panda and Thomas. Panda was whimpering into Thomas's chest as he stood there standing up straight with that shine in his eyes he was being brave for Panda she couldn't hold it together I wish I had someone to keep strong for me but he's dead now…

Karen

This was it the last time I am going to see Freddie for real as his body lay in the wooden coffin as it began to lower I started thinking of what a great brother he was. We used to be really close when we were younger like brothers and sisters should be we were a proper family when mum was still alive the pic-nicks and days out all the cheesy and corny things family's did that was us me Freddie mum and dad. I told Freddie everything and he told me everything to he kept me on the right road and made sure I turned out alright, I did of course thanks to him.

But the thing is I liked all the wrong things what I should have hated what everyone else hated I loved. Freddie didn't mind that, he knew that was just me and that's why I loved him we accepted each other for who we were.

But when mum died things began to change Freddie got older and we began to tear apart I went off and did my own thing and he did the same and that was just it we kept out of each other's ways.

I remember standing above mum's grave like I am now I remember Freddie reaching out for my hand as the waterworks came he was being brave for me since dad was pretty useless crying the most. It was hard for Freddie to not cry but he did it for me and that's what I call a big brother to look up to.

I regret not being as close as we used to be, Freddie and me, maybe if we still were I could of saved him talked about it but it's too late for that now I had lost him and my mum not much of a family now just me and my dad I hated that thought, The thought of reality.

My mascara ran down my face what was I thinking I should of put on water proof I bet I look like a wreck but that didn't matter because I was mourning for my dead brother who meant the world to me I felt a gentle touch on my shoulder to my surprise it was Thomas he had walked over from where he was standing with Panda and Effy who were now hugging each other with Katie as well, all Freddie's friends I didn't understand them how Effy treated Freddie making him chase her, how Katie treated Effy betraying her and stealing Freddie, When Effy hit Katie with a rock that's not friendship Freddie didn't deserve that.

"Freddie was a good person and I bet he was a brilliant brother and I just want to say I am sorry for your loss, and if you need anything I am here for you"

I was relieved that Freddie did have such a nice friend like Thomas I hardly know him and we have had only had one conversation but he seems really nice the kind of mates Freddie should have had.

"Thank you that is very nice of you Thomas" I said trying to smile but he saw right through me and I broke down in tears I fell into him and he put his arms around me with a tight grip making things durable while the priest was saying his last words as I whimpered into Thomas my dad came back from his speech and took over for Thomas hugging me a little more loosely then Thomas but still nice. A Minuit ago I felt so lonely and now I was suddenly embraced by all this love it made me feel good for a bit. I turned my face to Thomas still hugging my dad

"Thank you" I said he didn't hear me but I knew that he had read my lips; he nodded and smiled before returning back to panda and Effy.

"It's just us now kiddo" dad whispered into my ear I hugged even harder not wanting to let go he was the only family I have now and I don't want to lose him if only I could stay like that forever

I looked over my dad's shoulder and saw him the one who did this to Freddie, the one who made this happen I could never forgive him he's always thinking of himself and when Freddie needed him the most he wasn't there, Cook the cunt…

Naomi

The ceremony had finished and people began to leave a lot of family and friends showed up people I had never seen before, but why would I of; Freddie was very personal with his family life and kept them in the dark. I wasn't that close to Freddie none of us were except cook, JJ and Effy he didn't really open up to people we were friends but just not best friends I think I regret that the most not getting to know him.

He was such a good guy and just got caught up in the rush of life, some people make it and some don't I guess it was just so unlucky, fuck that luck isn't involved in this kind of thing he was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

He was in love like me except he did the chasing after Effy and when they finally got together everything went wrong you can't have too much of a good thing for too long that's what I am afraid of, losing Emily like Effy lost Freddie what if that's what happened to Emily and this was her funeral I wouldn't be able to cope without her, she's a big part of my life now and I want to keep her close, keep her safe I don't want to ever lose her.

Life was so simple when I was a kid now I have all these responsibilities of a relationship and friends but I don't regret opening up to a person for once and stop being a sarcastic bitch to hide my emotions life isn't so sodden miserable now I have Emily, now she's mine.

I hung onto cook knowing this is all his got, my shoulder feeling damp from his tears, I am worried for him his not just a prick his a prick with feelings his such a nice guy once he stops thinking about his Crayola dick and getting laid.

"Cook, it's time to go" I said softly as I stepped back from him, releasing him from our hug. He looked at me with his red eyes from all the crying he had done

"I need a Minuit, just give me a moment alone and I'll catch up with you" he replied his voice cracking as he spoke.

"Okay well be waiting over there then" I said to him soothingly, I couldn't stand seeing him this upset.

I took Emily's hand and we walked back up to where everyone else was. I hadn't cried during the ceremony but I still felt shit over the loss of Freddie. Emily had been crying though she's such a sensitive little thing, bless her I put my arm around her to try and make her feel better, if that was possible

"I can't believe Freddie's gone" she said wiping away a tear

"I know" I sighed with sadness

"It wasn't fair he was so young, he was are age" Emily said with sorrow in her voice

"It's just not right" I whispered even I felt like crying now

"It's weird to actually see someone who is our age die I mean I heard it in the news but it's such a different feeling when it actually happens to your friend" she said tearing up again

"We just can't take things for granted" I replied turning to her, facing her and looking deep into her eyes. I brushed back a bit of her hair to reveal her cherry red cheeks. I gently kiss her lips as she followed me back not wanting to finish the kiss yet I bit her bottom lip teasingly then slipping my tongue in her mouth I kissed her passionately she groaned and pushed her hips towards me.

"I love you" Emily said under her heavy breathing

"I love you to….so much" I replied shaking from the feelings I get when I touch Emily…

Katie

Effy was cut up, she didn't know what to do with herself I could see it the way she stopped talking to people or stopped attempting to look nice this was the first time she got dressed in two weeks since she found out about Freddie's death.

I tried to go visit her as often as I could but it was hard to see her like this so hurt, so upset she was probably the closest friend I have and the fact that nothing will ever make her feel okay I couldn't stand it.

I was crying, Crying for Freddie for his death, crying for cook because he's life was so screwed up, crying for Effy of her loss and crying for myself about how crap I felt.

We were all messed up so bad I don't know how I can move on from all of this. I had been hugging Effy all through the funeral I wanted to be there for her since no one else was Also keeping my face hidden in her shoulder kept me protected from people seeing me in such a wreck Freddie's death hit me hard it was so unexpected he was the guy who kept his cool he was nice too everyone and was just an amazing person I loved him not in that emotional sappy way but as a mate.

He was always fucking stoned and took everything with a pinch of salt not caring about much except the people in his life he didn't expect anything of anyone.

That's why he never got disappointed I wish I was like that but everyone just lets me down…

I held Effy's hand tightly so letting go wasn't an option and pulled her away everyone had left, all Freddie's family. Karen placed her flowers for Freddie then walked off with Thomas and Panda she couldn't take it anymore. Naomi and Emily had walked of; there never apart I wish I had someone like that. They had left cook to say his last goodbyes to Freddie.

I could see JJ ahead why wasn't he with cook? Cook needed someone especially at this point in his life he was slowly falling apart.

I walked with Effy to catch up with Panda it was such a depressing day everyone was so overwhelmed by the knock of reality that these kinds of thing do happen.

I looked back to see a weak desperate Cook by Freddie's grave I held Effy in my arms then let go of her hand she was only a couple of steps away from Thomas and Panda and everyone I looked at Cook and she understood straight away and nodded.

I slowly walked back to cook I couldn't just abandon him he may be a dick head but he was my I reached him I could hear him crying still. I felt so bad for him, we all did I reached out and touched his back with my fingertips he jumped.

"Shit….Katie" he spoke whilst nodding

"Just wanted to make sure you're okay" I said regretting it because he wasn't okay and I knew he wasn't, nothing would make it 'OK'…

He just looked at me scanning me from head to toe with his sorry eyes, hands in his pockets of his trousers looking so vulnerable.

"How can things be so perfect one Minuit and then suddenly change?" he said questioning me

"Nothing can stay the same cook" I replied the best answer I could think up of right then on the spot

He thought about what I had said biting his lip

"How could God let this happen" He said looking at his shoes

I felt like the spotlight was on me "What" I asked slightly confused not being able to believe that cook was much of a god follower because of all the sex, drugs and drinking he did

"How can he give life to someone and take it away so quickly as if he was teasing us?" he mumbled kicking the long bits of grass

I wasn't too sure how to answer, "We are all given life and our life holds no guarantees with it except death" I responded "It's not for you or I to decide when it's someone's 'time', We all have to go sometime..." I stated out.

He nodded agreeing with me "Then why did John smith get to decide when Freddie was to die?" he sobbed wiping away the tears with his sleeve

"it's hard for me to say ,I don't really know" I Murmured, I could see the disappointment in his glum face when I wasn't able to answer his question, that's all he wanted was some answers to reassure him and nobody was able to give them to him it saddened me at the thought of this.

He whipped out a pre-made up spliff from his pocket and also a lighter he sparked it up and took in a long breath of it, making little O's as he breathed the smoke out; I loved it when he did that

"Here" he hinted the spliff at me "one last spliff for good old Fredster" he proposed as he handed it to me. I took it into my shaking hands and inhaled the smoke I coughed; never was too good at this, it felt great a feeling I had longed for, for a while.

"God knows Freddie would be skipping lesson, sat in his shed stoned by now" he smirked

I smiled for the first time in ages. I had been putting on a pretend smile before now but his one was real.

"Cook do u really believe in God" I questioned

"If he does exists he is one strange fucked up weirdo" He responded grinning

I Giggled, taking another breathe in of the spliff, Then passed it back to cook

"Do you think I am going to be okay Katiekins?" He asked me in a childish voice

"Your fucking James Cook course you're going to be okay" I smiled

He laughed and I joined in with him it was, good to just relax for once I felt better that I was with cook

We stayed there for about twenty minutes smoking the spliff, passing it back and forth talking about nothing and everything…