Atago I
The first day our new commander stepped onto the base, my instincts told me there was something special about her. She had a strange aura. I sensed it. I felt it. It radiated a confidence that I have never seen before.
I remembered her black hair stirred in the humid wind as she rested both hands on top of her katana, planted against the concrete ground. Just like my sisters and me, she was from the Sakura Empire.
When most of the girls looked confused that our new commander was a woman—a rare occurrence—I looked at her in the eyes. She knew what to do.
So when she looked at me in the eyes, my fluffy ears perked up high.
"You will be my secretary, Atago."
Those were her first words. She caught me.
I wanted to know more about her. I wanted her to love me. I wanted to touch her. Oh, I really wanted her to see me as her "onee-san," even though she's an expired Christmas cake!
"Commander," Enterprise said over the radio in the dim situation room, "we defeated the triforce light fleet and located the—" Enterprise paused. There was hesitation in her voice just before she stopped herself.
Atago looked at Commander who sat in the chair, gazing at the large monitors which showed a top-down view of the First Fleet and what they were seeing from their perspective. All around them was a purple sky and a purple fog.
Although the First Fleet managed to plow through the enemy, many of the girls in the situation room felt unnerved about the operation altogether.
It was only one fleet. A fleet led by Enterprise to strike deep at the Sirens while they "squirm around in their death throes like headless chicken" in the wise words of Commander. The success of humanity rests on this solo operation. It must succeed while the enemy are still in disarray from early incursions.
For that reason, everyone was put on edge. Their perspiration wasn't faint to Atago's sensitive nose. It was out in the room for everyone to smell. Even Takao had beads of sweat running down her palms despite being more composed than Atago.
As dire the situation may be, Atago remained calm. She knew Commander's work ethics as a secretary, planning a whole month of action within a single day along with fallbacks. Picking the "right girls" to sortie, and the right girls to send out on expeditions. There was never a time Atago could recall seeing Commander acting without confidence.
If Commander is calm, surely she knows this operation will be a success.
"What is it, Enterprise?" Commander asked.
"We located the enemy flagship… it's the Purifier," Enterprise mumbled.
"Move in and finish her off."
"I… can't." What followed after were little sniffs and her five other comrades comforting her. "I don't know why, but I'm starting to see my sisters over and over all of a sudden. I just keep seeing Yorktown by my side… and the next thing I noticed, she's gone. I just can't… fight right now."
Atago widened her eyes upon seeing Commander clench onto the chair rest, furrowing her brows. It was the first that Atago ever saw Commander in visible anger… all because this is an imperative mission and Enterprise of all times was going through emotional trauma as she cried.
"I should've known that purple fog had a purpose," Commander muttered.
Or maybe she was angry at herself for not considering the impact of that strange fog in the area of operations.
Whatever Commander was angry about, Atago felt there has to be a change of plan. "Commander, we should pull the First Fleet out of there. It's too risky to continue the operation if Enterprise can't fight at her full pote—"
"Who the hell do you think I am?" Commander got up from her chair, marching forward in wide strides with fists clenched.
"Enterprise, don't cry. If you cry, you won't be able to see—you won't be able to fight!"
The shout rang out, shutting Enterprise up as she opened her eyes full of tears… visible on the monitor screen for everyone to see.
Commander eased her hands and her face became a pleasant sight once again. "Every person in the world once has a passion brimming full of hope to change the world. But no matter what you do, no matter how much you try, you will never change the tide of the ocean."
She took off her hat. "Your sisters aren't going to come back. They've been engulfed by the tide, and crying just won't do anything for you. Crying is just there, showing how hurt you are. It doesn't hand you a set of plans to do or tell you what you should do next."
Enterprise nodded, but didn't say anything so Commander continued. "However small our changes may be in this world, it's the least us tiny humans can do for each other. At least appreciate that much. At least appreciate the fact that you're standing out there in the sea, fighting to protect your friends and their sisters. You're fighting to protect everyone from losing someone precious in their lives. So don't cry. Grit those teeth and fight for tomorrow."
Enterprise chuckled, and it developed into a laugh that infected her five other comrades. Then, the entire situation room began to laugh.
"I don't know why… but the way you ended it just feels funny to me."
"You picked a lucky time and place. Otherwise, I would have clocked you in the face instead for doubting yourself after giving you my trust. Anyway, do you feel better now?"
"I do, and I'll grit my teeth when we fight the Purifier. For tomorrow, for the others' future, for their sisters, for you, and for me."
Atago looked around, finding Portland hugging Indianapolis. Two of Atago's younger sisters, Maya and Choukai got all cuddly. And now, Takao was a lot closer to Atago.
"I may not approve of all your decisions," Takao whispered, "but you are my sister and I cannot imagine how much I would be enraged and in grief if I were to lose you."
Atago glanced at Commander who put on a half smile.
My instincts were right about you… I love you even more, Commander.
Hinasaki I
As the girls launched fireworks into the night sky, Commander Hinasaki Akiha watched from the window of her office.
Everyone came back in one piece and cheered all of the First Fleet girls, especially Enterprise who delivered the final blow to the Purifier with a strong, "Owari da!"
So while the celebration was going on with fireworks, with meat being delivered on platters by Belfast and the other maids, Hinasaki closed the curtains. She had no intention of going to the party.
Hinasaki turned around, finding Atago sitting in a chair with knees on the seat and arms resting on the backrest. She smiled and her ears were perked up high. It wouldn't be hard to imagine that she would be wagging her tail if she had one.
"I'm sure you have better things to do than to stay, Atago."
"Commander," she said with a voice that is positively coy, "you do realize that I'm always making mental notes of you, right?"
"And it's because of that capacity of yours to make mental notes is the reason why you're my secretary." Hinasaki folded her arms. "But if there was someone else I know that can fulfill your role without your silliness, then I would change you out in a heartbeat."
"Geez, Commander. It's really hard to imagine that you have any friends at all with that attitude of yours. I've been noticing that you haven't been interacting with any of us in your free time and it's starting to concern me."
I see Atago is getting closer to the truth… there's no way I can avoid her if she brings it up.
"I don't see why you have to be concerned about me. I am only doing my job as the commander."
"Doing what? Paperwork, planning, and executing the mission? It's really boring if you keep doing that all the time! At least spend some time with us… preferably with me, your onee-san." Atago giggled.
"I'll let you know that I'm matured than you."
"Still, I'm everyone's 'Onee-san,' and everyone on base knows that." Her smile then disappeared as her ears drooped forward. "Commander, so why is it that you always try to avoid us in your free time?"
Hinasaki paused. The only voices being spoken aloud were from the girls outside. She then clenched her hands.
"I never once saw any of you ship girls as equals to me." Hinasaki was greeted by a surprised look on Atago's face. "None of you are born from the womb of mothers, you're just artificially created humans, homunculi whose primary purpose is to fight a war against the Sirens."
"But… I'm still human… just as you, Commander."
"That is correct. Your behavior and appearance is human but consider what I'm about to say. All of you are female. There are no male ships and that is because men decided that all of you must be women. Your bodies were specifically endowed by men to be gawked at. Your personalities are dictated by men to be pleasing. Everything about you 'ship girls' are the product of men's desire for the 'ideal' women. But that's not what I'm concerned about. What concerns me, after observing all of you in your free time, is that you lack the will to 'genuinely' think for yourselves. It's as if you do things just for the sake of doing it."
Atago's mouth hung open, and Hinasaki closed her eyes. She never thought she would have to say it, but it had to be said. She couldn't stomach the idea of having fun with the girls where many, if not all, have superficial characteristics to them. It just isn't… genuine.
And because of that reason, Hinasaki did not often enjoy the company of her male colleagues that are the same rank as her. They all talk about wanting to marry ever single ship girls they have under their command. And every time they try to flirt with Hinasaki, they get a rude awakening that she isn't a "ship girl," but a normal human born of woman.
At the end of the day, all Hinasaki wanted was to be left alone. She couldn't care less about being labeled as an "expired Christmas cake" as a lioness does not concern herself with the opinions of sheep.
Atago's eyes were wet. "Commander, I don't know what to say."
"I know. No one has ever said that to you." She then opened her eyes. "But I can't think of myself having a genuine friendship with any of you because I just don't think it will work." Especially with the likes of Akagi who is just batshit crazy. No women I met back in Sakura is close to being like her.
Hinasaki walked passed Atago.
"Then… why did you join the navy?" Atago asked before Hinasaki placed her hand on the door knob, a chill running down her.
"When I was younger, I wanted to have a family. I thought it would be a nice way to give back to our society. But when you go around and date people, you start to realize that it's hard to find the 'right' person. People aren't always upfront about themselves, people are very touchy when you don't want them to touch you. One day after many days of failure, I found that 'right' person I've been looking for."
Hinasaki smiled. "We disagreed a lot, there were things where we aren't going to convince each other to give up… but that's okay. Neither of us is perfect." She let out a sigh with a smile. "And the next thing you know… I was pregnant at the age of eighteen."
"Ehhhhh?" Atago's eyes were wide open.
"Yeah, I was a young mother." Her smile faded. "But then one day after many days of happiness, he took our two children and left. He never said goodbye to me face-to-face. Never said goodbye to me in a note he left behind. All he wrote was that he didn't want to burden me with two fatherless sons." Hinasaki then clenched her fists. "I lost everything I wanted to live my life for. I decided that I don't have a reason to be afraid of anything. Not even death… because I decided that if I die, then that's fine with me." Hinasaki placed a cigarette into her mouth, and what followed was the noise of firecrackers popping outside and the dozens of girls celebrating with a feast.
"I had no purpose in life. So the only way I could ever meaningfully give back to society now was to join the military. I always dream of destroying the Sirens once and forever even if it cost my own life. At least doing that much gives me a stronger sense of accomplishment so I can finally close my eyes and not wake up anymore. I experienced enough good things in life to be ready for death."
She walked out and only stopped when Atago yelled at her. "Commander, I'll prove you wrong. I can still be human just as you are. I can prove to you there are things still worth living for. Just you wait!"
With her thumb, Hinasaki clacked the lighter and lit the cigarette in her mouth, walking away.
Atago II
Atago looked out the window of her dorm room, seeing that the party was still going on after she returned.
Commander… I just don't understand you as much as I thought I did. Yet, I'm still thinking about what you told me… about how you see us, and why you joined the navy.
Atago began stripping herself so that she could take a closer look at her body. She was well accustomed to her curvy figure and would often strike a pose every morning to Takao much to her sister's chagrin. But to Atago, her body is her identity. Slice up some fat in the thighs and bosom, and Atago felt like she wouldn't be the "onee-san" anymore.
For that reason, Atago realized that Commander wasn't being fair. Atago didn't have control over her appearances. She may have the "perfect body" that every man would join the navy for, but there's no control… just as how Commander doesn't have control over her appearance.
"Commander… what do you really want from me?" Her doggy ears sunk forward.
My body is my body. I don't feel ashamed of it even though someone made it for me.
But my personality… you said that we all have some superficial characteristics and you can't be any wrong about that if you take Akagi as an example〜
Atago giggled but then after realizing that she defined herself as "onee-san," she stopped.
Every girl on this base has a distinctive personality that is easy to recognize, but Atago can't put her finger on Commander's personality. She may be serious about her work just as how Takao tends to be serious about everything, but that "serious" part is only one aspect of Commander. And of course, it doesn't help that she never fraternizes that Atago never really got a peek into her life despite being her secretary.
Humans… could be more complicated, right? Maybe that's what you're trying to tell me. After all, I don't think Belfast can be anything but a maid just because of her behavior.
Atago sighed, thinking about her own identity.
Arara… I don't like what you're making me do in order to be closer with you. I just can't see myself sacrificing my "onee-san" identity in order to be closer with you. I just can't at all even though I want you to love me.
She fell back onto her bed, staring up at the ceiling as the sound of joy filled her ears from outside.
Love. What is it that I love about Commander? I knew that she was special the day she came here, but I don't understand why I feel the way I feel toward her.
Maybe… I just want her to be mine… that I want her to see me as her "onee-san." I'm obsessed with Commander… just as how Akagi can be obsessed with any commander that intrigues her.
"Oh, why does fate have to be so cruel with handing me a female commander!" Akagi's voice rang out. "Commander… has everything I want to see in my ideal man."
Atago let out a soft chuckle before getting up from her bed.
So maybe… I was never meant to be the person who would come swooping in for Commander and capture her heart. No matter how much I imagine I can do it and make her fall for me… I just have to be real with myself for once.
Commander will never fall in love with me… with the way things are, right now.
She lived long enough and experienced a lot that she's just so difficult to get in a working relationship with.
That's the kind of thought that Akagi would never stand.
"Nee-sama," Kaga said outside, "have you ever once considered what would happen if you swap the gender of Commander for a single day, and revert back the next day? Just think about it. Gender wouldn't make much of a difference in love."
"Oh but that's not the same, Kaga. I heard a man has a wonderful thing between their legs. Women don't have that, you know, ufufu."
The conversation intrigued Atago that she decided to look out the window to find the two heavy carriers sitting on a bench.
"That's not what I meant. Have you noticed that Atago is attracted to Commander?"
"Huh?" Akagi's happiness faded. "Really?"
I'm starting to feel uneasy now all of a sudden.
"I believe she is the only one who is actively trying to win over Commander's affection. Too many of us are caught up with the fact that Commander is a woman and not a man that they never really see that it is possible to love a woman. I can't blame any one of us for never seeing that because we don't know much of the 'common sense' of the outside world."
Common sense? Well… maybe Kaga is surprisingly right on that.
"I can't have that," Akagi said as she got up from the bench. "Commander falling in love with Atago, I mean."
No, Commander will never fall for Akagi. I shouldn't be concerned about that. What I should be concerned about is Commander's loner tendency. I don't really feel the need to love her anymore, I just enjoy spending time with her, and it just hurts me to see that she has a self-destructive view on her life.
She may sprout some degrees of truth, but that doesn't excuse her from ignorantly assuming all ship girls can't be as human as she is. We just never experienced the kind of outside life she experienced.
But… I realized something as well. Why is it that she avoids us in her free time? I think… it's because she doesn't want to be hurt anymore like how her boyfriend destroyed her life. So she hurts us so that we wouldn't end up hurting her where she doesn't expect it. Yet, she's still being hurt. Her loneliness is hurting her because humans are meant to be social. So in order for her to cope with the pain, she justifies it by accepting death, being fine with death if she had to die.
I finally realized the deeper reason why Commander doesn't like people in general. Now it's my time to tell her that life is still worth living.
Atago turned around and began dressing herself up with a smile, humming to herself as Akagi went on a banter about winning over Commander's affection in the background, and telling all the girls to come along to witness it.
But first… I have to go see Akashi. I wonder if there is something that could help me deal with Commander before I confront her. After all this, I only have one shot and if I fail, she'll change me out for a new secretary.
Hinasaki II
Even at dark hours like this, the air was still humid and sticky that Hinasaki removed her white naval jacket, holding it over her shoulder. The air was all too familiar though, bringing back fond memories of her happy life back in the summers of countryside Sakura… the way it really was. The way the ripe sunflowers stretch out forever. And those infinite blue stretches of sky! The cicadas shrilling at day and crickets chirping at night made life feel like a pleasant dream. So Hinasaki shed a tear… for it was a nostalgia and wonder no more.
Just those moments of summer countryside Sakura and her adventures with her boyfriend made her feel she experienced enough in life that she wouldn't regret dying. Of course, she would prefer to die fighting for humanity which always felt like a twisted thing to her. She didn't like fake people, but she always felt something for people with a good life like she once had. Those were the kind of people that she wanted to die fighting to protect so that they don't have to experience the pain that Hinasaki had gone through.
People are just so engrossed in themselves, Hinasaki pondered. They just don't want to deal with the reality that is, our life. It's harsh, and nothing seems to feel harsher than having to deal with people. No one wants to cross that line with someone… because it means you have to put yourself out there all vulnerable and easily hurt. Yet… the few who managed not to get hurt, the few who manages to see the light and happiness… those are the kind of people I want to die fighting for.
And that's why I wonder so much about "ship girls." No matter how I see it, I just don't get why they have to be the way they are. It just makes me think if the brasses up in Azur Lane understand what to do besides thinking of pretty girls… because we may be condemned to lose this war against the Sirens just because they're incapable of objectively evaluating the force of the enemy.
By giving these "ship girls" human emotions, human feelings, yet weaponize them, it poses a big threat against us that no one would probably see until it's too late. They are our only effective tool in this war, and if by chance the Sirens convince them to defect… we lost.
That's why the real reason I don't like these girls is because of their nature as a double-edged sword. They're human, they have fond memories like it was nothing in this Eden, far away from actual human society. Yet, they're the first line of defense, the first responders to any threat. They have a lot to live for, they have a lot to lose. And when they lose it all, they'll become easily enticed by the Siren's offer.
Even if I knew all of this, it's already too late to do anything, but oh well. Life in the military is always dealing with crap that doesn't go your way.
"Commander," Enterprise called out.
Hinasaki turned to her, putting on a half smile. "I see that you found me."
Sweat ran down Enterprise's face as she looked at her in the eyes. "I never got to say thank you until now. But there's else something I want to tell you."
Enterprise clenched her hands. "I've always been down and sulking ever since Yorktown and Hornet… died. I had to see first hand what happened to their bodies… all bloody and disfigured that I vomited and cried. I felt like everyone lied to me about what happened when one of us 'die…' that we just explode without any external injuries but black soot and bruises on us, just unconsciously floating on the ocean. I just hated how the previous commander and the girls lied to me, and I never wanted to sortie at all that I just shut myself in for days. But when you came, you were the one who bust down the door, who reassured me that life is still worth living even if I lost something. You reassured me again, and again whenever I just feel overwhelmed by my memories of my sisters, and I always feel a surge of power flowing into me."
Her legs began to tremble, but she stood her grounds, even if her eyes were wet. "But now… I don't really care about being understood anymore, I can't always be passive. I want to understand. Understand and feel relaxed. It's just selfish of me of just wanting to know people in and out just because I'm afraid of the darkness, the unknown that exist in people. It's always making me feel paranoid and afraid of people just because of the assumptions I make in my mind. But you… you understand me. You don't just know that I'm like this, but you understand as well."
Something pierced Hinasaki, causing to grit her teeth as Enterprise continued.
"I don't want to be that sad person who's just cautious of everyone anymore. I want to be like you, understand them genuinely and help them. So… so… will you… take me?" Enterprise finished with a voice that sounded as if she was choking.
It hit Hinasaki now. She never once expected Enterprise to cross that line with someone… even if it meant she might be hurt. Yet, Hinasaki realized how wrong Enterprise is now about her, and understanding that much felt like she was damned to forever burn in Hell.
The person that Enterprise loved… is the facade that Hinasaki created to motivate the girls to fight. Hinasaki never once thought she had any confidence when it came to combat even though she was efficient in all other tasks. It was only after observing how competent Enterprise was in combat was where her confidence came from… because she was always impressed that Enterprise never allows anything to get in her way once her mind was in the right place. So every time Hinasaki felt like she can't motivate the girls, she always thought of Enterprise shouting, "Owari da!" against all odds.
And now… it felt ridiculous to Hinasaki. Her self-confidence makes up for her inexperience in tactical combat because as long as the girls can feel her aura, they'll never give up. Enterprise's extreme competence in combat makes her powerful, but whenever she begins to doubt her confidence, she just can't fight. She can only fight if she's reassured by Hinasaki's, "confidence."
"Why the hell do you assume I'm the right kind of person in your mind?" Hinasaki lashed out, baring her canines at Enterprise. "I'm not the person you think I am. The truth is… I was never really confident in myself. I just acted like I could do it… that I understood it all if I put on a brave mask to inspire others around me to keep on fighting."
Enterprise widened her mouth in self-defeat. The person she looked up to, the person she wanted to be with even after the war ends… isn't the person she thought it would be. She held Hinasaki up on a pedestal only for it to come crashing down.
Hinasaki could understand that much… because she knows how it felt, how much it hurts… just like last time with her boyfriend. "I'm no ultimate leader, no best human… just a flawed one, waiting for the day she can finally die."
"Commander…" Enterprise murmured.
"Don't depend on me, because nothing lasts forever and you're only setting yourself up for disappointment."
Even after what was said, Enterprise continued to look into Hinasaki's eyes. "I see… just like a hedgehog."
"Go away."
Enterprise bitterly nodded to her. She turned around and walked away, not complaining.
It shocked Hinasaki… because she wanted Enterprise to complain. But then she realized that Enterprise never once complained to her.
So she bit her lips and watched the fleet's MVP walk way.
Atago III
Atago entered the Shop to find Akashi wiping the counter.
"Nya? Are you hurt, Atago?"
"Umm, I have an issue right now. Commander is just stuck up in her loner tendency that she never really opens herself up to anyone, including me. Just seeing that makes me feel disgusted and I want to change her, so I'm wondering if there's anything here that might get Commander in the right mood for me to argue with her. I also want to tell her that we girls can be just as human as she is… and I only have one chance. If I don't convince her… she'll never change."
"I see. Please wait a moment." Akashi jumped down from the stool and went off into another room.
Sheesh, has Akashi planned everything out or something if she already knows what to get? Well, I shouldn't be complaining at all… it's more that I'm surprised.
Akashi returned, hopping back onto a stool to reach height parity with Atago. She then laid down a DVD case on the counter. "This should do the trick."
Atago raised her eyebrows. There was nothing labeled on the case. "Akashi."
"Yes?"
"How exactly is this going to help me?"
"You must let Commander see it from start to finish. It is an innocent treasure lost a long time ago in the past and one that belongs to Commander." Akashi flipped the case around, revealing the title at last which was written on the case.
Innocent Treasure.
"I do not understand humans like Commander, but I do understand that all of them have once lost something important in their life. This is Commander's innocent treasure she lost a long time ago."
So a clip about one of Commander's secrets? Honestly, I'm not so sure I'm sold on this. Commander's not the type to show emotions all that much besides that half smile at times. Still… I have to realize I don't have a lot of options. Just talking to Commander feels like sudden death to me, so any help is better than no help.
"Alright, how much does it cost?"
"A thousand diamonds."
Atago felt her jaw smashed the ground. She then looked to the left at the display of outfits that Akashi had in possession for the ship girls, but one thing she had her eyes set on was a white bikini completed with a sarong.
No… I've been saving all my diamonds to buy that swimsuit when Commander wouldn't buy it for me. I'm so close to having enough to get that swimsuit after so many months of earning my share as Commander's secretary.
"Why diamonds…"
"Are you gonna buy something?" Akashi raised her voice.
Atago got back up on her feet, sighing. I can't even buy that swimsuit, let alone the DVD because that's an extra four hundred. "Sorry Akashi, but I don't have enough. I'll be going."
I don't know if I can wait long enough to buy the DVD. A lot can change in a single month… and I can't just let the burning passion inside me fade if I ignore it. I need to confront Commander now.
When Atago left the shop, she nearly bumped into Enterprise whom Atago caught a glimpse of a defeated face.
"Sorry, Atago."
"It's alright… but are you okay right now? Your face doesn't seem to suggest so."
"I… confessed my feelings to Commander."
Enterprise closed her eyes shut, but she remained tall as Atago's face spelled, "Oh no!" as she never expected Enterprise to be another contender.
"She rejected me, showed me who she truly was… but even then, even if she was flawed, I'm flawed as her. I just don't know how to get her to see that it's okay to be flawed, that it's okay for two flawed people to come together."
Atago realized that of all the girls, Enterprise had the best shot at Commander… and she was rejected. Not only that… Enterprise was working in the background to fix Commander as well.
"Ah…" I'm not alone.
"What is it, Atago?"
"Well… you see, I've been also trying to help Commander as well and I thought I was the only one who realized something is off with Commander." She continued to fill in with Enterprise with what she knew and what she was going to do.
But when Enterprise nodded and acknowledged Atago, it almost felt as if she was talking to Commander herself for a moment… that confidence she always associated with Commander.
"Very well, I shall help you as I am concerned as you are."
"But do you even have enough diamonds to buy that DVD?"
Enterprise folded her arms underneath her bosom, her black coat gently receding back from the wind. "Part of being an MVP flagship in every sortie I go on always mean being rewarded with diamonds. However, let us split the cost as I am trying to save enough diamonds to buy the Reindeer Master costume when winter comes."
"Alright, that's fine." What matters right now is saving Commander. I can wait forever to buy that swimsuit as long as Commander is fixed.
After the two purchased the DVD, it awfully became quiet outside as they hurried toward the dorms. The objective now was to sneak into Commander's room and insert the DVD into her TV and lie in wait.
However, after entering the hallway of the fifth floor, they spotted Commander returning to her room.
"We need to distract her," Enterprise said. "But… I'm not sure if Commander is willing to speak to me right now after what happened. Atago, can you do it?"
"I can't." In a situation like this, things only become more impactful the less you spend time with another person. "If I speak to Commander right now to distract her, it's only going to make it harder for me to argue with her because she'll assume I planned something and won't be surprised when it happens."
"Shikikan-sama!" Akagi giggled as she approached Commander. "I finally decided that I love you. Your heart, your straight face, your smell… they're all mine, mine alone." Akagi let out a maniacal laugh that even made Enterprise feel uneasy.
Yet, despite what was going on, Commander remained still and kept her straight face her on. "Akagi," she said with a cold voice, "who do you think is on top of the food chain?"
"Me, of course～ Now come and embrace me or else I will have to pounce you."
Just when the nine-tailed fox was about to jump, the lioness dashed forward, twisting the vixen's neck to the point they could hear a snap. The lioness threw the fox aside like trash, causing Atago and Enterprise to hide around the corner with their breath held.
"You girls are really starting to get desperate, huh?"
Oh no… did Commander find us out?
"I was wondering why it got quiet all of a sudden when I returned. Come out now."
"Okay, okay!" a plethora of voices called out further down the hallway, causing Atago and Enterprise to let out a small sigh in relief.
"Why is everyone here?" Enterprise asked.
"Oh, I remember now. Akagi said how she wants everyone to witness her confession to Commander. Still… is Akagi okay?"
When they looked around the corner, the nine-tailed fox was motionless.
"I'm okay!" Akagi raised her hand that Atago almost screamed. "But can someone call Akashi for me?"
"Geez," Atago said. "I don't know if I should be scared or surprised at how strong Akagi is."
"Alright all of you," Commander said, "come down to the lobby. I don't care if you're bystanders or accomplice because it seems none of you understand my MO."
With Commander conveniently distracted, the two were now able to break into Commander's room, insert the DVD into the TV, and lie in wait as Atago held the controller.
Hinasaki III
Hinasaki sighed as walked back toward her room. One lecture goes a long way to ensure that situations like this won't happen again, but she trusts that all the other girls are smart enough not to fall so low like Akagi, who was carried off to Akashi for repairs.
She entered into her room and looked at the TV screen, raising her eyebrows as to why it was on. When the film was played and the first word she heard was "Akiha," Hinasaki felt her strength was sapped, paralyzed in place.
"Daddy, daddy! What are you doing?" the young girl, Akiha asked as she looked up at the camera.
"Why I'm testing out this new camera. After all, I'm going to give it to you so you can understand how precious life is."
A single tear went down Hinasaki's cheek as young Akiha jumped around in excitement.
Daddy…
The scene then cut out to Akiha holding the camera, running down the road to school with her friends along the rows of sunflowers.
"Come on, we're gonna be late! If we don't get there, the teacher is gonna hit us with a meter stick!" one of Akiha's friend said.
There was enough time to get there if they kept at this pace… until Akiha tripped and sprained her knee. All of the other girls continued running, and Hinasaki could understand the pain of being left behind in that moment. It felt surreal to her… but nothing felt more surreal than the fact that one of them turned around, and pulled Akiha along the way even if she had to be punished as well.
Hinasaki clenched her teeth as the tears became more unceasing.
Genuine friends…
The next scene, the camera pointed at the clear blue sky as the cicadas shrilled. And when the camera was leveled off, it seemed the rows of sunflowers reached out forever.
Akiha flipped the camera around, smiling as she sat on top of the roof. "Today sure is a good day after it rained yesterday. But it makes me wonder… it makes me wonder who I'll be in the future." Akiha looked up at the sky. "That kind of thought is scary to me. I don't know who I'll be… just as how I don't know what the weather will be."
Akiha then looked down at the camera, holding her smile in place. "Knowing me, being alive won't get any easier. But that's okay. Even though people can hurt each other, sometimes they don't. That's how life is, right?" Akiha's smile was trembling, but she held it in place. "So no matter what I'll be in the future, no matter how much I changed, remember this. I'll always be there for you"—tears came out of Akiha's eyes—"because the only person I understand the most is me."
My innocence…
Hinasaki could no longer hold it back in as the scene transitioned. She began to cry as young Akiha cheered on in front of the camera, shouting, "Keep going! You can't be just living, you have to find out if you're truly alive! Don't give up!"
How could little me… of all people understand me the best? How could I… have changed so much in twenty years? What am I doing with my life if I want to die so badly?
Hinasaki covered her face, finding it hard to breathe and her throat constrained that she felt like she was being choked.
She couldn't think of anything else but her suffering and her childhood innocence.
And so Hinasaki cried as loudly as she could all while young Akiha was cheering her future self on… the future self that young Akiha could never imagine herself to be: a broken record.
Atago IV
It was the first time Atago and Enterprise saw Commander cry… and even though they couldn't completely understand, the raw emotions made them keep their chin low in respect.
Never once could they imagine Commander crying just because of how coolheaded she is. But here, she's crying while on her knees. Proof of how much she was hurt, but not only that… proof of her humanity.
It made Atago wonder if the DVD made things worst for her, because she doesn't know Commander's full history. Just making her relive the past could get her blood boiling that she might also snap Atago like she did with Akagi.
Yet, Atago swallowed. She realized that now is the time to confront Commander.
"I need to face Commander alone," she whispered to Enterprise. "I need to tell her something."
Atago came out of the closet with the expectation of being punished.
"Commander…" Hinasaki glanced at Atago, her eyes void of confidence. "No matter how you belittle me, I still want to help you. It's not an obligation at all, it's not just because 'onee-san' wants to be nice for the sake of being nice anymore. It's because you changed me for the better."
Atago expected Commander to say something, but she didn't, so Atago continued. "I'm no longer… clinging onto the delusions I had about you falling in love with me and stuff. It's only setting me up for a big disappointment and I realized that maybe… I can actually live a fulfilling life without it being centered around you. These were the kind of things I had to think so carefully about ever since you told me about your views on us girls and revealing bits of your past."
She bit onto her lip, realizing that the contents of her monologue isn't purely comforting, yet, she wanted to say it. She wanted to show that if she could toughen up, then Commander can toughen up.
"If these weren't the kind of things that wouldn't make me human as you are, then I don't know what else. I just can't think of anything more human than change. It's me, of all people… who decided that instead of living a superficial life forever, that I want to learn what it really means to become human. What's 'common sense' to you isn't common sense to all of us. So when you say that our personalities, bodies, and everything are the way they are because of man's desire for cute girls, I have to say that you're maybe right. But the way it came off… it sounded as if you wanted me to feel bad about my body and my personality. But I'll tell you this, Commander. I was born this way. I can't change it. This is my only body, and my 'onee-san' personality is the only thing I know best even if it may be superficial. So I won't let shame be my weakness. Instead, I'll be prideful with my body and everything about me. It's the only things I have. There's no reason why I should let peoples' opinions make me feel bad for what I only have."
Atago swallowed, realizing how cool she felt just by saying this off the top of her head, yet, Commander didn't say a single word. She didn't nod in acknowledgment. Her eyes weren't even looking into Atago even though they usually tend to stare into her soul.
"I'm just as human as you are, Commander. And if you never told me about how you feel about us, I would have never reached this level of understanding about me. I would have never felt as confident as I am right now. Instead… maybe I would have just thought about you all night and set myself up for disappointment every time you reject me. But you told me… and I'm grateful that you did." Atago smiled, drawing closer and sitting down on her knees. "I'm no longer obsessed with you, but that doesn't mean I don't like you anymore. I still like you and I hate to see you moping around in despair. But I can't stand that self-defeating attitude of yours of just wanting to die… but I understand why."
"Crossing the line invites people who can hurt you or comfort you. When people hurt you, sometimes it can be as bad to the point you just want to die. So in order not to be hurt anyone, you hurt others who try to reach out to you, but you also realize you're still hurt anyway just by being a loner. You still want someone to cuddle you, but you're still afraid of opening yourself up to other people. You try to avoid that by justifying your behavior with an attitude you've done enough in life and feel okay with death. Yet, I just can't fathom why you have that paradoxical attitude in the first place. If you truly feel satisfied with your life, you would have killed yourself a long time ago… but you didn't. You kept living, looking at people who have successful lives and feel envious about them because you lost yours. You still want someone to save you, Commander… but you don't want to cross the line again… not after what happened with your boyfriend. So please… stop with that attitude."
Atago grabbed both of Commander's hands as firmly as she could, clasping them together and locking it in place with her own hands. "I want to be your friend, and it hurts me to see you do this to yourself. The winner of suicide may be you, but the losers are your friends and family. They'll be carrying that weight forever."
At this point, Atago could no longer hold back the tears. It may have come off as harsh and "in your face" at the beginning, but she wanted to show Commander that if she could accept herself and finding meaning in life, then there still might be something worth living for.
"After all… when you think about crossing the line, it might not be a bad thing. A single year of fun with another person could be said to be an equivalent to a decade of two old people having fun. Don't you want to have hundreds of years of fun?" Atago smiled.
"Who would have thought you of all people would be giving me the weirdest comfort speech. " Commander sighed, and Atago caught a glimpse of a full smile on her face. "I'll admit that I made an ignorant assumption about all of you… and maybe what I theorized might not be true at all. But I'm surprised you were willing to step beyond your usual boundary to help me."
"Actually, it wasn't just me. Enterprise was kind enough to help me buy that DVD from Akashi and I never really expected you to break down just from watching that short film."
The next thing Atago noticed, Commander was hugging her, causing her to tremble in surprise as her doggy ears perked up. "Still, thank you, Atago. And Enterprise, if you're here, I'm sorry about what happened earlier."
Enterprise came out with a smile. "It's okay."
"At this point," Commander said, "I never gave any of you my name, so I'll give you it now. I'm Hinasaki Akiha. Call me whatever or some pet name you decided to come up for me."
"You really are sure warming up to people, Akiha," Atago said. "But I have to let you know that I won't be changing my 'onee-san' personality cause it's my identity. So please, call me your 'onee-san,' okay?"
"Do you really have to take it that way?"
"Of course! After all, it was me who comforted you, and I'm your big sister even though I look younger than you."
"Alright… onee-san." Akiha rolled her eyes. "I guess that'll be my pet name for you. And as for you Enterprise… how about 'Enty?'"
"E-Enty? I… don't really know what to feel but happiness because most of my nicknames has always never been this endearing, but I approve."
I did it. Somehow, it worked even if it came off as aggressive. Even then, I'm happy with the development.
Akiha IV
The sun rose at the horizon, and Akiha walked along the beach with Enty, listening to the waves striking the sand and flowing back.
It hasn't been that long since Akiha sorted out her life—just yesterday—but today, she wanted to talk to Enty.
"I remember telling Atago that I lost quite a lot of things in my past… that I had no reason to be afraid of death. Because if I died, then that was fine with me. But after seeing that video message from my childhood self… I started to feel the need to survive. It was the first time that death begins to scare me."
Akiha cast her gaze at the horizon as Enty walked aside her. "That's a good thing, isn't it? You realized that there is something you value."
"The thing is… Atago's speech didn't really comfort me. The content, I mean. What made her comforted me was her willingness to never give up on me."
Enterprise let out a "huh?" with a perplexed look on her face. "Then… what made you afraid of death?"
Akiha looked down at her feet, leaving behind tracks of the sandals she wore. "You."
"Me?" She was now flush with red, prompting her to avert eye contact.
"Of all the other girls, you're a lot closer to me. You're just trying to get by in life and figuring out what to do after the war ends. The other girls don't think of that, don't think of what they want to do after the war ends, but you, it seems you really want to do something that isn't combat at all."
"I… just want to find my place beyond fighting." Enty looked up at the sky. "Last night when I confronted you out here… and you confess who you really are, I felt crushed for a moment. When I'm in tough situations, I try to always think about how you would respond, how you would act but then I realized the Akiha in my mind… is really just my bias projection, that you would never make a single mistake. I can't always lean on the shoulder of an illusion. I can't emulate and be you."
Seagulls flew overhead, calling out to one another. Waves continued to splash against the beach, and the ambiance reminded Akiha of her old childhood home back when her family had roosters, crowing at the break of dawn.
"Just as how I am valuable to you," Enty said, "and you are valuable to me, I began to think of my own self-worth. I realized there are some things about me… are things I only have, things you can't have. At the same time, there are things about you that no one can have."
Akiha snapped her fingers. "You figured out the problem that has been plaguing humanity since forever. Everyone wants to be that amazing person you hear or read in stories, but you can't completely be them no matter how much you wish so hard. You can only be yourself, and sometimes people don't even understand themselves which I find to be the most painful thing." She faked a cough. "But after finding my own voice with a hand from the past, I see life isn't all that bad."
Enty let out a small chuckle. "That's why… I love you now. Just seeing you sort out your own life, not giving up really made me feel so strong about you."
"Well… I have to thank younger me from childhood doing something what I thought was 'stupid.' But really, that time capsule message was what I needed. The only person I can be is me… and I have an obligation not to disappoint my childhood self after that 'cringey' cheering and dancing. God, it's the worst way to punish myself twenty years later."
Akiha shook her head as a shade of red bled onto her cheeks. Enty just smiled, and the two walked along the coast, embracing the silence.
"But there's one thing I don't get," Enty said.
"Hmm?"
"How did you even end up coming to the assumption you came to about us? I don't know what it really is about, but all I know that it's pretty negative from what I heard."
What a difficult question you asked me, but well...
"I guess I forgot to understand people's feelings after a long time. I could only understand their mentality, but not their feelings. That's the reason why I come off as rude. But ultimately, it should be said that feelings and thoughts aren't the same."
"Feelings… and thoughts aren't the same?"
"What you say may not be what you feel. And what you feel may as well run contrary to what you just said."
"Ah, I think I get it now."
"Do you? Humans are touchy-feeling creatures. We say words to feel good, and when we feel threatened, we go against our words to protect ourselves. Language isn't a perfect medium for communication, so we're all our own unreliable narrator as we tend to misinterpret people. If one day we all become espers where we can communicate through telepathy, then there would be no miscommunication because we can feel each other's true intentions. But I find that boring. The fun thing about language is working out issues with someone else as long as they are willing to reciprocate back."
Enterprise opened her mouth in astonishment much to Akiha's surprise.
"Y-you know, you're making it hard for me to grow up to be my own person if you keep this up."
After a moment of laughter they shared, Enty continued.
"I can't find any reason to poke holes into your statements because it just sounds right to me."
"Given that you lived a sheltered life from the outside world that's full of knowledge and information, it's natural that you feel that way. I know it's going to be difficult for you to pursue your journey to grow and find things to do when the war ends, but I trust that you can do it. Perhaps by then, I might take you in to live with me but just know that we aren't going to get all lovely-dovely."
Enty let out a sigh, smiling. "I never really saw my love for you in that direction as Atago did. I see you more as a sister I didn't know that existed until now."
"Well, glad to hear that. Anyway, you wanna go finish the leftovers from last night? It's not often you get to eat meat on an island in the middle of nowhere."
"Sure."
Atago V
Atago couldn't help but smile as she watched Akiha working at her desk. She had a pleasant dream where the two basked in a love session. It may have been a nice wet dream and even though Atago woke up with disappointment, she didn't dwell on it.
It's been many months since that incident, Atago thought. Little by little, I changed so much just because I always interact with Akiha every day. I become more mature, I become more knowledgeable, and most importantly, building fond memories with Akiha and Enty. I never once thought that there would be a time where I am always looking forward for a new day... all because instead of ignoring Akiha, I decided to confront her.
But it was necessary. Caught between my desire to help Akiha and my obsession over her, it was that moment that I wasn't even sure about myself as much as I thought I did. My intuition told me to brush Akiha's rejection off as a "failed attempt." But deep down inside me, I felt really bad about her that I pushed my obsessions aside to prioritize helping her.
And honestly, I was scared. It felt so strange to go so far to help someone like Akiha as if I was in a life-or-death situation.
But that's what I need. I needed to mature and stop playing games with myself and that's what happened.
"Atago, it seems Azur Lane promoted me to the rank of admiral now." Akiha smiled, showing Atago a piece of paper that confirmed it.
"That fast already? I'm surprised considering you said you suck at tactical combat."
"You really have to stab me in the side, huh?"
The dog-eared secretary chuckled, bringing her hand up to her mouth. "But that doesn't really matter much anymore. Knowing you, you're a lot better off as an admiral"—her ears then sunk forward—"but that means… you won't be with any of us again."
Sighing, Akiha got up from her chair and glanced out the window for a moment. "That's the only problem I have with this promotion. By now, all the girls have grown accustomed to me that if I announced my promotion and departure, it's going to be hell."
"But… you're still through with the promotion, right?"
Akiha nodded, taking a few steps before sitting on the side of her desk. "Humans are odd creatures in that just by existing, we will always hurt someone when we get involved in a situation. And even if we don't get involved in a situation, we will still be hurting someone else."
Just as Atago was about to speak, Akiha cut her off as she took out a cigarette carton.
"There's no avoiding the pain at all and that's how it should always be." She stowed the carton, smiling. "That pain will always remind us that we're still human… not just for those who feel it, but also those who inflict it. If you feel your actions may hurt someone, it shows that you care for them. And if you don't care about them, then you'll never once realize you hurt them. Do you get it?"
"But you're still going to hurt the girls just by accepting that promotion. Where do you even stand if you acknowledge their feelings but still follow through your actions?"
"I resolved to hurt Enty and you the moment I decided that I have to accept this promotion."
That answer shut Atago up, but Akiha didn't seem happy to say that as her smile disappeared. She even turned her gaze elsewhere and looked to be lost in thought.
"I'm not in this war just for the sake of humanity anymore," she said. "I'm in it for both of you. That's as far as my hint will go."
So… you understand that the only way for this war to end as soon as possible is if you rise up in the ranks, huh? Maybe that's what you decided… that if this war ends faster, then Enty and I will no longer have to face the risk of being killed. We can just relax afterward and do our usual stuff we do in our free time. But even if that sounded like a nice plan, Enty and I will still be hurt. There's no way to avoid the pain… but that pain will always remind us that there's always something to look forward to if we just have faith in Akiha.
"Besides," Akiha said, "I think it's about time both of you live without me in your life. By the time this war ends, I want to see how much you grow."
She turned her gaze to Atago, smiling. "I don't want all of us to be a leader or a follower in this relationship anymore. I'm tired of being the only one who starts an interesting conversation like this one, and where I'm always receiving positive affirmations rather than be challenged in a friendly argument. That's why… I'm leaving. I'm sure someday if I continue this way of living, then both of you will grow complacent and bow down to me as if I was a goddess. At that point, how can I say my friendship is genuine?"
Hinasaki sounded as if she was choking. And afterward, she shed a single tear, looking down at her feet. "I'll use every ounce of fibre in me to take this friendship up. I want to take it up that we'll pierce the heavens and show God that humans can do something amazing even if our souls are tethered to human emotions, the center which binds us all of us. Do you see my resolve now, Atago?"
To reach the place just beyond our reach… a place which Akiha could almost taste, a place which every part of her body yearns for… the place where Enty, Akiha, and I could all be equal. Yet, a place beyond her grasp.
Atago swallowed.
All this time… even if I changed, I'm still content with just being satisfied with simple things, huh? Whenever Akiha goes on and on about things like these, I just seem to accept them as it is without challenging her when I feel there may be something wrong.
But now, it seems that I failed to realize all this time that Akiha wanted more out of this all this time… and I honestly can't fault her feeling that way. She barely pulled her life together, and when she befriended us, she thought things would be fine. It wasn't for her and no matter how much she tries to unsee it, she can't. But rather than abandon us, she would rather want us to grow to be our own person… to be someone who has their own dreams, their own kind of beliefs, and void of her influence that they wouldn't appear to be a "follower" to the foreign eye.
A place just beyond her reach.
"Alright. If you want to go, then feel free to go."
Hearing that Akiha smiled. "Thank you for understanding."
"Hey, I just want to see the place just beyond my reach you know. I don't really have any particular dreams or plans for the future, but if I grow, then maybe I'll finally find a place just beyond my reach. A place where I can focus all my attention to and reach just so I can feel whole again… the same as how you're struggling against near-impossible odds to reach that place."
The first time I met Commander Hinasaki Akiha, I had a deep wolfish instinct to be her "onee-san." To dominate her and be above her. And when that incident ended… I let go of that desire and was just content with living under her, accepting every single word of her without complaining like a good little dog.
But now, now that Admiral Hinasaki Akiha is leaving so that this sham "friendship" could evolve, it's time for me to become human… and you know, there's something very inherently "human" about my experience since that incident.
Nostalgia and yearning for the past, humans who speak two foreign languages and trying to get their feelings across… no matter how "right" or wrong" the wording is, a hedgehog hurt by interacting with other hedgehogs because of the spikes… but still hurt anyway by being alone, and reaching the place just beyond our reach: the dreams and desires of every person.
Human sure do jump through many hoops to reach interesting place once their souls are comforted.
AN:
Hey all, thanks for making it this far. It's quite lengthy for a one-shot and in some ways, difficult for me to write.
Well, I should also say that this fanfiction was crossposted from AO3 with necessary revisions to some scenes such as Akiha IV and Atago V. In the AO3 version, you'll find a steamy hot smut scene in Akiha IV which made no sense for the plot. Atago V didn't have the the effects I wanted for an ending, so I ended up redoing both scenes for the FFN version.
Overall, I feel that the FFN version is how the story should have ended had I not considered the idea of writing a "smut with plot." That was exactly how A Soul in Need of Comfort came into existence and given it was my first time writing smut... yeah, I could have done things better.
If you wanna go read that smut scene, you know where to look.