Hey there guys, I know it must have been something akin to a century since I last uploaded anything on here, but my exams are drawing to a close, so I'll have a month or two free of any kind of revision/coursework/homework etc.
I'm posting this after listening to the song 'Cut' by Plumb a couple hundred times over :3 It was a Kikyou and Kagome AMV I got it from, made by YakuKikyou. It inspired me really. The song is so very sad but really lovely to listen to - I'd recommend it!
So there'll be stories updated really soon, I promise. I know that they're really overdue, but as soon as I've had my last exam (June18th!) I'll get right back on track and make a real effort. I've posted this oneshot to try get back into the rhythm of things. And 'cause I wanted to. Thanks so all those who have stuck by my fics.
Black And White Kirara
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xXx
I'm not a stranger.. no, I am yours
With crippled anger... and tears that still drip sore
A fragile frame aged... with misery
And when our eyes meet... I know you'll see
The night air was cold and crisp, the dark sky above black and starless. The only point of light was that of the ethereal light that eminated from a crescent moon, basking the tree dotted landscape in its glow. A sense of sadness permeated the air, like a tragedy had passed, and the earth was silently mourning the loss.
Kagome sat on the roots of Goshinboku, leaning back against the mighty tree's trunk. Her knees were drawn up against her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs, and her chin resting against them. Her eyes were open, seemingly staring out into the forestry around her, and watering slightly due to the cold. A chilling breeze ruffled her hair, but she paid it no mind. Too caught up in her thoughts was she.
She continued to stare out ahead of her, back in the direction of Kaede's village. Hoping.
Please, come. Please follow me, InuYasha...
Still, nothing. She'd been out here a whole fifteen minutes, and the hanyou she longed to appear before her still had not showed up to look for her. Well, he wouldn't really have to look for her, he'd catch her scent from the village. It was no challenge for him; he could come if he wanted.
But still... no.
She gave it another five minutes, her body beginning to shiver and protest against the sharp air. She sighed, finally turning her gaze away and closing her eyes.
InuYasha wasn't going to come after her. She shouldn't have expected as much.
Normally, she would have been miffed at that, but tonight, she just found she didn't have it in her.
Earlier, her and InuYasha had engaged in what should have one of their usual spats. Or at least, Kagome had tried to engage him. The best rise she'd been able to get out of the hanyou was a tone-less 'keh'. Frustrated, Kagome had lost her patience with him. It had been building up all week; InuYasha hardly spoke a word to anyone, especially her, and she was starting to get rather concerned. She'd offered him ramen, but he'd refused. She'd threatened to never buy him ramen again. Several times infact.
And still, the most she could ever get out of him was a simple 'keh'.
It was normally cute when he used that term, usually because he was embarassed or agitated that he'd lost a verbal battle of whitts. But not nowadays. Oh no, these days, the 'keh' lacked any real emotion at all. It was his answer for almost everything their group spoke with him about. There were a few other things he'd say... but they were relatively short sentances and very abrupt, still very monotonous.
He was slowly locking away his heart again, Kagome could see. If he hadn't already done so.
A lone tear fell down Kagome's cheek, though she made no sound or sob.
Why did it have to be this way?
She couldn't blame InuYasha for the way he acted, not entirely. Truly, Kagome felt she was the one to blame.
It's all because I couldn't save her. I couldn't save Kikyou, and she died once again. It was my fault.
InuYasha was probably feeling so alone right now, so sad and in turmoil, but there was little she could do except stand by him. He was going through a very difficult time, that the young miko knew, but he wouldn't accept any form of comfort either. It was as if he wanted to stay sad, like he wanted to dwell on his past all the time and relive its horrors. Like he didn't want to move on.
Or... maybe he was trying, silently, on his own. Maybe he just couldn't move on.
That thought made Kagome feel worse, the guilt seeping further into her heart. What could she do then? How could she help InuYasha get through this? What if she couldn't?
What if... what if she lost her hanyou forever?
Kikyou's death was a sad topic for them all, but Kagome knew InuYasha was hurt by it the most. He'd lost the woman he loved once again, and maybe, this time, he'd been hurt beyond repair. An already scarred heart could only take so much.
It hurt the futuristic miko that he hurt. And she was oh so tired of hurting. She'd had enough of the guilt, all the mistrust, the pain... everything. Enough for them all.
She felt the resentment for herself growing. Here she was, feeling sorry for herself and wallowing in her pain like the hanyou she so desperately wanted to soothe. Pathetic. Rather than sitting here moping under the Goshinboku, seeking solace in vain, she should be back there at camp...
...trying... and probably failing like always to help the one most dear to her heart.
I do not wanna be afraid
I do not wanna die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired... of feeling so numb
Relief exists, I find it... when I am cut
Feeling more conflicted that she could remember, Kagome finally decided to shut herself off from the world around her. She buried her head into her knees, and let the cold night air send her into a restless slumber...
-o-o-o-
Kagome opened her eyes, instantly registering the change around her.
The air... harsh breeze that had bit at her skin was gone. It was suddenly warm, warm and inviting.
Another thing Kagome realised was that it was no longer night, but, infact, day. A bright sun was shining high above her, its rays seeping in through the treetops, touching her face and giving her skin a healthy glow.
Yet something else registered to her. She was laying down next to the Goshinboku, close to its roots. Her head was resting on something warm and comfy. Someone was slowly weaving their fingers gently through her ebony locks in a soothing manner that kept her relaxed and calm.
Inclining her head slightly, Kagome noticed a familiar array of clothing that consisted of billowing red hakama and white kosode. Looking up, Kagome saw a kindly face looking warmly down at her as she lay with her head in their lap.
"Kikyou?"
Kikyou nodded slightly, a small smile gracing her lips as she continued to stroke Kagome's hair. Kikyou's own dark and longer hair fell around her face, free of its normal loose ponytail, tickling Kagome's cheeks as it blew elegantly with the wind.
I may seem crazy... and painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden...
Absentmindedly Kagome figured she should find her current situation with Kikyou a little bit more than unorthodox. Kikyou and her hadn't always been on the best of terms, and a lot of that had had to do with InuYasha's part in both their lives, past, present and future.
Why was Kikyou here now, being so welcomingly warm and affectionate with her?
Her incarnate seemed to notice her bewilderment.
"Do not look so confused Kagome, you summoned me here yourself."
What?
"That... that's not possible. I didn't summon you. And you can't be here. You're... you're..."
Kikyou laughed with a hint of bitterness for a small moment.
"Dead? Very much so, Kagome. Had this been a place of reality, I would not be sitting here with you at all."
"So... I'm dreaming?"
"Indeed. A dream is the only means of which I can speak with you. And you do want to speak with me, do you not?"
Kagome thought about that for a second. Then it hit her.
As usual, Kikyou was right. She had been looking for comfort, for solace, by sitting under the Goshinboku. When InuYasha had failed to follow and offer her what she so desired, she turned to the inner most reachings of her mind, searching, seeking for an escape...
Oh. It was starting to make sense.
Noticing that Kagome had caught on, Kikyou explained it a bit further.
"Yes. You sort out a means of comfort from within yourself, from within your soul. I am a part of your soul, as you are of mine, Kagome. Of course I would hear you. In that sense, we are the same person. We know eachother's feelings - the pain of this single soul is felt by the both of us. Unconsciously, you summoned me here."
Kagome understood now, pondering it for a few more moments.
Then she remembered all the hurt and sorrow she'd been feeling before, and her relaxed and peaceful mood in the dream was shattered.
...If you would just look me in the eye
Kagome let out a broken sob and sat up abruptly, collapsing again into Kikyou's chest this time, wrapping her arms around the other miko's torso and burying her head deep into the white cloth there. She wanted a comforting touch so badly, from anyone or anything that offered it for that matter.
Kikyou, sensing her distress, wrapped her arms gently around Kagome's trembling form as she continued to cry, returning to stroking her hair, just allowing herself to hold the troubled girl for a while longer. Her reincarnate needed this. Just a friendly hand.
After a while, Kagome, still with her head buried into Kikyou's chest, and still clutching her tightly, finally found her voice, though it was somewhat hard to make out with her mumbling into the fabric there.
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anaesthetic
That makes me feel anything... kills inside
"Kikyou... pl-please... help me... I don't know what else I to do... How do I help him? How can I help him get through this? He shuts me out so often now that it s-seems impossible..."
I do not wanna be afraid
I do not wanna die inside just to breathe in
"I can't... I can't keep going like this, Kikyou. I know how he's hurting inside... but I just don't think I can. There's so much loss and pain around lately that I just... I just can't see the bright side anymore."
I'm tired... of feeling so numb
Relief exists, I find it... when I am cut
Kikyou clutched Kagome's shoulders, pulling the girl's face away from her chest where she could look her in the eye. Her front was soaked from the tears spilt.
"Kagome, I want you to listen to me. You mustn't give up. I know that it is hard, but what you are saying... that you might even leave InuYasha and your friends... it is nonsense."
Kagome tried to protest, but Kikyou held up a hand to silence her.
"Kagome, it is because of you that InuYasha is where he is now. He has friends that love and care for him, something that he has never had before. If you'd known how InuYasha was when I first met him... "
Kikyou chuckled
"Well, I only really managed to see a portion of his heart. He opened up to me, but you cannot begin to imagine the changes I've seen in him since he's met you. You bring out the real InuYasha - he truly opens up around you, he trusts you with his feelings. That's why I was so surprised when I was ressurected. He was like a whole different person to me. And I was angry that I'd never been able to heal the wounds in his heart as you have done so well. Slightly envious would be another word for it."
Kagome tried to speak, but no sound came out. She'd done all that to InuYasha? Her, the 'wench' Kagome (as InuYasha frequently refered to her as), Kikyou's copy had done that for him?
"But, Kikyou... if what you say is true... then what about now? Your death, I think it destroyed him inside. He never talks to me anymore. All I wanna do is stop his suffering... but he won't let me."
Kikyou sighed. "Yes, he is hurting now. If I possessed the power, I'd change the course of history and make it so that I was never ressurected. I have been the one to cause him pain, Kagome."
Kagome shook her head. "N-no... that's not true! He loves you Kikyou! He always will! He's suffering because he lost you for a second time... because I couldn't save you. It's my fault, you two could be happily together if it weren't for me. InuYasha... he must hate me. That must be why. But he could never, ever hate you..."
Her incarnate's dark brown eyes narrowed.
"You foolish girl. Perhaps you do not know him aswell as you may think. You know him better than even I do, but even I can see what he feels for you! He would never have been completely happy with me... not while knowing you still needed him. That he still needed you. The two of you need the other to get through the bad times Kagome, never forget that. InuYasha loves you. Good luck to you if you cannot see that."
Kagome was taken aback by Kikyou's passionate speech. InuYasha... loved her?
It was something she'd always dreamed about, for him to love her as much as she did him. But she'd never allowed herself to hope, for fear of the inevitable rejection should she ever confess her true feelings. Kikyou continued, her tone softening again.
"Right now, he needs you more than ever, child. You may think he is suffering now... but without you, he will truly be lost. He might not even know it yet, but he will in time. InuYasha is perhaps the most ignorant man I have ever met, always ignoring or pushing what he feels away. But that is not his fault. He is afraid of weakness, that you already knew. But you are his anchor to home, his safe haven. You must try to be strong for him Kagome, and in turn, he'll realise just how much he'd lose if you were not around."
Kagome turn her gaze to look at her lap. In a small voice, she spoke.
"But... we'd both still be hurting."
"Yes. I cannot stop the hurt Kagome, for as long as you are human, hurt and other emotions are inevitable. But, it will get better Kagome, much sooner than you think. InuYasha will realise just how much is at stake, and how his own pain affects you. He does not wish to lose you Kagome, and so he will fight away the sadness in his heart. He will fight it, and he will win because of you. Because you're there. Because you stayed. Because he loves you."
Kagome could feel it. The insercurities were starting to ebb away at Kikyou's words. How could anyone doubt a tone that sure?
Kikyou was right, it would be hard, and no one could guarantee it wouldn't hurt her... but deep down, Kagome knew she'd be hurting a lot more if she did leave him. She'd tried to forget him once before, and failed miserably. It only caused her pain to be away from him.
Finally, after what had seemed like years, Kagome was able to smile. She made a vow then as she looked up to grin shyly at Kikyou. Well, really it was only a stronger vow of the one she'd made once before.
Pain, I am not alone, I am not alone...
'I'll always be there for you InuYasha. You don't have to be afraid. No matter how alone you feel... please just know, just know I'm here. We're all here. And we're not leaving you, ever.'
Her shy grin brightened as she replayed the promise in her head.
"Kikyou... thank you."
Kikyou truly beamed a beautiful smile then, and Kagome knew that this was the Kikyou she'd never had the chance to meet, but already knew her so well because of the soul they shared. This was the Kikyou as InuYasha knew her: a kind, lonely young woman who'd had her whole life planned out for, a life she'd accepted without complaint. Only, when InuYasha had given her hopes of a life she could actually lead herself, she'd had those hopes crushed. Kagome felt truly sorry for her then. She really had suffered a lot. Death had been a bliss for her, a peaceful way out. She'd never asked to be ressurected, after all.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you, Kikyou."
For a second, Kagome was sure she saw Kikyou's eyes shimmer as if she were about to cry. But it disappeared so quickly she decided she must have imagined it.
-o-o-o-
Kagome awoke groggily to see that the Goshinboku was nowhere in sight. It was still night, still cold and crisp... she could feel it through the entrance to Kaede's hut. but she was strangely warm. Looking down, Kagome realised she was wrapped up tightly in the robe of the fire rat. InuYasha's haori...
She looked up to see said hanyou sitting about a foot infront of her, his back to her as he stared into the ember flames of the fire he was keeping bright and burning.
For... for me. Kagome realised. Everyone else was asleep in the hut. The young miko's heart fluttered. A torrent of love and affection washed through her.
He came for me after all... He came.
Inuyasha suddenly flinched, sniffing the air. He whriled round sharply, his eyes wide with surprise and a small blush crossing his cheeks. He obviously hadn't realised that she was awake. His long snowy-white hair glistened in the fire's light, touching the tips of the dog-like appendages atop of his head.
Neither spoke for a moment, both a little embarassed at being caught staring. Surprisingly, it was InuYasha who chose to break the awkward silience.
"S-so... what the hell did you think you were doing, falling asleep next to Goshinboku like that with nothing to keep you warm?"
Kagome's cheeks darkened.
"Oh... you were worried?"
InuYasha blushed again, turning away from her to avoid her peering gaze.
"Well, I guess... I just knew you'd come and find me in the end. You always do."
"...Keh."
She sighed. She shouldn't have expected anything else. One night wasn't going to dispell all the hurt and conflict InuYasha felt, or her own for that matter. It was going to take a little more time.
Still, it was nice to know that he'd been worried for her. He'd gone out there tonight to find her, to make sure she was alright.
Of course he cared. It was just particularly hard for him recently to show it.
Settling back down, Kagome snuggled into his haori, taking in InuYasha's wild, woodsy and warm scent. She loved his scent, and she allowed it to soothe and comfort her as she began to drift back into sleep. But not before she did one last thing...
"InuYasha... thank you. Thanks for taking care of me."
InuYasha's ear twitched at her voice, but when he'd turned round again, Kagome was already asleep once more.
Feh.
He stared for a few minutes as she slept, a peaceful expression adorning her features. One he hadn't seen since...
He shook his head, pushing those thoughts away and refusing to dwell in them for the time being. His golden eyes wondered back over to Kagome's snoozing form. They softened.
"You're welcome, Kagome. I'll always be here for you too, you know. I'll never leave your side either. I just might not ever be able to tell you that outloud, is all."
He was hurting, cut, and it would take some time for him to move on. Kikyou had been a big part of his past and life, and he couldn't forget her so easily.
But he'd never leave Kagome behind. He'd always be with her. She'd always be with him. He'd never get through this without her, that was sure.
He would learn to smile again... soon. For Kagome.
xXx
Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this fic. Was a little sad and depressing I know, but I've been itching to try something like this for a while.
Just to clarify: I don't know if anything like this would have really happened in the series. Kikyou and Kagome always had some conflict going on between them, but I'm they never really hated eachother. Kagome was jealous and hurt (she had every right to be!) and Kikyou angry that someone else was living the life she'd wanted with InuYasha (ditto). In the end, they became something akin to friends I guess... allies, at the very least. So, I thought I'd try and show that here.
- I'm not an InuxKik supporter, sorry to those that are. I respect the pairing, and Kikyou is one of my most favourite characters on the show... but I don't think she truly belongs with InuYasha. She was lonely, and he was there for her when she needed the comfort of another person, and I am willing to say that yes, Inu and Kik did fall in love... just never completely trusted one another. How can a love without complete trust be true? That's just my view anyway. I'm glad Kikyou was there though; she showed Inu that he could be loved and wanted, at least. She gave him hope.