In the trilogy of the latest one-parters, why not add another one.

I Don't own anything O.C related. I wish, but I don't.

There were many times in my life where I thought being the savour could cast the shadow on me. Yet, put me in a light where you could look like the good guy long enough to make myself even think that. There are many times when where that has happened and I've come out on top. Being me didn't look so hard, I could always count in someone's eyes, I was a winner. I've never lost.

When you lose, you become a loser. One who didn't win, let someone down including themselves. It doesn't matter if it's happened once or everyday a loss makes you feel the same. Horrible and corrupted. I feel more. I just didn't let myself down, I let everyone down around me. Shame, grief and pain.

I didn't lose just once that day, I lost twice. Two of the most important things to me. I lost my boys, Seth and Ryan.

Seth, my biological son has had a tough life. Me coming from the Bronx can honestly say that he has had it tougher that I did. Living in the rich, getting everything he wanted, hell being the grandson of Caleb Nichol didn't even get him a friend. He should have been the most popular kid in town. That's all he ever wanted, someone to talk to or 'chill' with. Anyone. Instead he got beat-up, pushed around, made fun of by every water polo player in his school and the lowest of low, having his shoes pissed in. He would never talk about any of his problems, and when he did he wouldn't let us do anything to help him.

You could always see the pain in his eyes. The sadness and displacement he felt. Once bright brown, now a clouded version of a rusty nail decaying slowly. Those eyes disappeared for a bit, but came back when Ryan left. Ryan was his first real friend, and he was gone. There wasn't a reason for him to stay.

Ryan wasn't my biological son but I loved him as much as I did Seth. In my heart he's always been there, I try to think that. I really do. His file shows the pain he went through, so do the scars that show and don't show around his body. Ryan was Seth's first real friend, his best-friend, even a brother.

He made this family whole when he came. Since that moment he went to that party with Seth and they drank I knew that I didn't want him gone. It wasn't Ryan's fault, I know that. Ryan wasn't drinking as much as Seth had, but he got Seth to get into a party. Something that Seth would have never experienced. Ryan even bailed Seth out when he was in over his head. My wife didn't agree he should be here at first, but it wasn't long after that she needed him too. Just as much as Seth and I.. It clicked into her after he was almost gone to child services. That was first time we almost lost him, the second time we did. He got Teresa pregnant. I could have made him stay. He needed to learn, he had to go. I knew that it was right to let him handle this with her, then why do I feel so wrong for letting him go?

There wasn't a time since they left where I haven't been broken. My heart won't open it's gates and the puddle that's threatening to spill has got me trapped inside. The salty ocean withholds me, and once again I am trapped in the position of a win or lose situation.

Kirsten has cried enough tears for both of us. She hasn't been to work since the boys left. Lately she's slowly getting the guts to get into gear, well to at least come down the stairs and sit in the island. Have a coffee. Sometimes, I have to force feed her. Only getting things I know she likes, things she loves but I'm starting to think her love is deteriorating for everything she loves, including me.

I glance up at her and send her a weak smile. She returns the look but does not smile. She gets up and turns to go back up to her bed. I have to keep thinking that I couldn't prevent her mood. We both know that we could have stopped him, but we didn't. She could of too, does she not get that? It seemed like it was me that had to do it, be the bad guy. Why am I the one that has to do everything? Getting angry at Kirsten would only make things worse. Problems escalate.

C'mon Sandy. This is how people react when you lose your boys. Be strong, don't let the tears show. They'll be back. You won't sink, you won't stay broken.

The phone rings and takes me out of my trance. I contemplate answering it, but I decide against it. I know it will lead me further into the depression I'm in. I look at the called ID though, I know the number. It's Ryan. Kirsten finally picks up and I can hear the sobs travelling down the stairs to my ears. I know that will make Ryan feel so much worse, and me as well.

Ryan doesn't know Seth's gone, hell I would love to keep it from him. I don't know if Seth's coming back. Ryan deserves to know, yet did I deserve it when he left? I close my eyes and take a deep breath. This is not the blame game. I repeat it over and over trying to reassure myself just that.

The sobbing is getting closer. It's not more of a light whimper. It reaches in front of my eyes. She gives me a look knowing I was in deep concentration. She wants to know. It's not a big deal. Her eyes are red and tears are still peaking from the corner of her eyes. She's so lost and I can't help her. Getting the courage to speak is so much harder than it ever used to be. The only communication is the looks we give each other. She wants to say something. Yet, her words don't come out. I decide to start the conversation.

"What did Ryan say?"

"He wants to come visit."

"Does he know Kirsten..."

"I told him Seth left for a bit...He should be back.."

"Does he know he sailed off to Tahiti? That we don't know if he's even coming back?" I hit a nerve there. I can see her tense up before I even reach out to touch her. The tears are forming in her eyes once more. Maybe I shouldn't of been so loud.

"He will come back Sandy. He'll be back before we know it. Ryan 's coming, he was on his way."

She retreats back up to her room. I did a lot of damage in that sentence. I should have bit my tongue. I never could. Ryan's on his way. I would love to see him, yet it would be depressing. He'd have to leave again right after. I can't make him stay, as much as I just want to hug him and never let him go, I can't. I can't even hug Seth. He's gone.

I sit on the couch in the den and wait for Ryan to get here. I inhale deeply. It hurts when I breathe lately. Stress does that to you. My heart hurts for other reasons too. As much as I try, I can't make this just be better. Ryan is going to come here looking for answers, I know Kirsten didn't fill him in detail for detail. She was sparse. They weren't on the phone long enough. I don't know what to say to him, the explanation I could give him only would make him guilty. He's not to blame, I am. He wouldn't buy it though. He would feel horrible. I would love to just come out and say the truth, but it's painful. I could have prevented all of it. 'He left because you left Ryan.' How do you even say that?

Life is a game they say. They say it can easily be played, you either win or lose. That's how you play. You ride the obstacles and walk flat ground. I was winning for so long, I knew that losing was going to come back and bite me in the ass. The flat ground I've been walking for so long threw in an obstacle. It through me a god damn patch of quick sand. Everyday my boys are gone, I sink deeper and deeper.

I've let down Kirsten by not giving her what she needs. I couldn't prevent this, she can't see that though. I've always given Kirsten the world on a silver platter, I've now offered her bad sushi on a rusted piece of un-sturdy copper.

I let down Ryan by not being there when he needed me. He needed someone to believe him. Instead I punished him. I took him for granted. I let him down so much. I let some punk kid who stayed in the penthouse fuck his head up, and his girlfriends and I wasn't there to be on his side. He had to run to Luke. Now I'm not there to help him with Teresa.

I let down Seth by letting Ryan go. I could have made him stay, but would have it made everything better? No... I couldn't ask him of that when Teresa was pregnant, with his baby. Ryan would never be able to forgive himself for not being there if it was his baby. He wanted his child to have a better life then him. I let him go to fulfill that duty. Along the way, I lost Seth but I guess I never had Seth. His whole life he needed someone, instead I wasn't always there. We never had the best relationship, and I didn't do anything to help that. I wish I could have changed that.

Most of all, I've just let myself down. By losing. The game beat me. The quick sand took me under in one final gulp. I was lost, everyone around me was gone and I lost.

Maybe one day they'll come back to me. The shadow can recast itself. I was the good guy for so long, now I must play a different part. The part of a man who knows what it feels like not to win. I Can see life through a different perspective. They'll come back one day, but till then I'll stay stuck in the sand waiting for someone to pull me out. Feeling all the mixed up feelings of someone who just wants his family back.

Please Check out my other one parters : The Stars & My Favourite Addiction.

Hope you enjoyed this, I'll be posting new chaps on Knowing What's Lost and The Possible Ramifications of A teenage Pregnancy when school finishes. About a week.

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