A/N Merry Christmas to my angelic, bestest Christmas elf, Katie (Boots n opals!) I hope you love my little gift to you :') It's all symbolic and Christmassy and Kamesy and bromancey and I hope it gives you nice warm feels! This story is inspired by the song Crash and Burn by Savage Garden, so I strongly recommend everybody looking that song up on youtube, because it's a very special song! When I was listening to it, it made me think of everybody on FF, because I love all of you so much and I'm always here for each and every one of you! So the song is dedicated to all of my readers, and this story is dedicated to my Katie! I hope everyone enjoys it!
Katie, I hope you have the most wonderful, sweetest Christmas and that you get everything on your wish list! Merry Christmas! Even though I'm so far away, I'm always here for you to catch you if you fall!
Kendall caught a sparkling, white snowflake in the palm of his bare, pale hand. At first, the fat, soft piece of ice stung at his hand, but immediately the warmth of his skin melted the perfect snowflake, turning it into a single drop of water. It was the first snowflake of the year. After the lone snowflake fell, countless others started to fall after it, landing on Kendall's face and mixing with the salty tears that streaked along his rosy, wind-nipped cheeks. A winter storm was brewing, to match the storm going on inside of Kendall's heart. He found it kind of ironic, really, that a gloomy blizzard would come when he felt his absolute worse.
It was Christmas time again, the most happiest time of the year for some. Brightly colored Christmas lights of green and red and gold shone in Kendall's eyes as he walked along the street, but they lacked luster. To him, they were dull as could be, because nothing was bright about this time of year for him, even though it had been 9 years.
9 years since he lost his dad. It seemed like just yesterday that he spent his very last Christmas with his ailing father. The cancer had been eating him away from the inside, but despite his devastating state, he still managed to make Christmas wonderful for his little boy. That was what Kendall admired most about his father. He was always able to smile and make every day special and beautiful, no matter how much pain he was in, even when he was dying. Until the very end, death was never a match for his father. His father had been winning until he had no choice but to let go.
Kendall's heart clenched painfully at the memories of sipping hot chocolate and building snowmen around this time of year, 9 years ago, with his dad. The memories had been nipping at the back of his mind all month long, and now that it was Christmas Eve, they all rushed forward at once, images of his father begging to be remembered, leaving him feel as cold on the inside as the weather was on the outside. It was bitter sweet. Kendall cherished every memory with his dad that he shared, but thinking of them, it just hurt too much. And he couldn't deal with that kind of hurt by himself.
That's why, at 11 pm Christmas Eve, 16 year old Kendall was out on the desolate streets of Minnesota, making his way through the snowy wind to a familiar house situated on top of a small hill, where his best friend called home. When Kendall reached the quaint little house, he couldn't help but smile at the sight. A Christmas tree stood tall and proud in the window, with twinkling lights adorning each branch, and the dim yellow lights inside the house beckoned Kendall to come in.
When you feel all alone,
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart…
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
Kendall ran up the steps two at a time and knocked briskly at the wooden door, anxious to see James. Only he could remove this heavy load from his heart.
As Kendall waited for the door to open, he swiped his fingers underneath his eyes to remove any evidence of tears and put on a smile, shoving his hands into his pockets. But the façade didn't last. As soon as James opened the door, sleepy and disheveled, yet a huge grin on his face proving how happy he was to see his best friend on Christmas Eve, Kendall's smile slowly faded. As his smile disappeared, James began to frown with him, worried for the blonde boy.
"Kendall?" James asked gently. Kendall didn't answer. He didn't need too. Instead, he took two small steps forward, closing the gap between the two best friends, and threw his arms around James' shoulders, crying silently into the crook of his neck.
"It hurts James," Kendall whimpered. James closed his eyes and buried his face in Kendall's mop of soft, blonde hair. He smelled like cloves and peppermint with a hint of strawberry, a familiar scent that was distinctly Kendall. It was the same shampoo that his father used to wear…
Suddenly, he knew exactly why Kendall was at his doorstep on this blustery Christmas Eve.
"I know," James murmured as his heart sank, running his long fingers through the tangles of Kendall's hair. Kendall sniffled, reveling in the protective and safe embrace that only James seemed able to provide.
"Take me somewhere," Kendall whispered, his voice high and cracked with emotion, and it was more of a question than a statement. James simply nodded, grabbing his coat and hat from the rack near the door, and an extra hat and scarf for Kendall. Since they were little, whenever Kendall would have a breakdown like this, James would take him to their little special place on the edge of town, a cliff overlooking a gorgeous lake that stretched on for miles and miles, seemingly endless.
After James worked a beanie atop Kendall's blonde head and wrapped a scarf around his neck, the two boys started making their way down the street silently. It was a blissful, comfortable silence though, interrupted only by the occasional sniffle from Kendall. James watched his friend's movements sadly. He could tell he was trying so hard to keep it all in, and it was using up every ounce of energy he had.
It took 30 minutes before the boys made it to their special spot. Kendall felt a strange sensation of relief now that they were there. It was the only place where he could let it all go and feel what he was truly feeling inside without any judgment at all.
"So, things are getting kind of hard right now?" James asked as the boys sat on the side of the cliff, their legs dangling free over the edge, willing Kendall to open up.
"Yeah," Kendall replied simply, brokenly. He stared at the small waves beneath him, illuminated by the moonlight. The storm was slowly picking up speed as the snow fell harder and faster and the wind blew colder. "I'm just really tired, James. Work and school is stressing me out. I just wish my dad was here to help me. He'd know what to do and what to say. I wouldn't feel this way if he was here right now. I miss him so much, James."
James gazed into Kendall's deep green eyes, twinkling with unshed tears. He wrapped an arm around his hurt best friend and brought him into his side.
"I know I'm not your dad, but I'm not going to let you fall by yourself, okay? You're not alone. You can break. I'm right here to catch you, Kendall. I'm here."
That was all Kendall needed, and James knew it before he even spoke the heartfelt words. He wanted Kendall to break, because only then could they together put back the pieces so he could be okay again.
"I miss him James," Kendall repeated. This time, his voice cracked with overwhelming emotion, and his body shook as he began to sob.
"Ssh, ssh, I gotcha," James soothed, wrapping his other arm around Kendall so that his quivering little body was held in a firm, loving embrace. Kendall continued to cry it out while James rocked him gently and murmured sweet words of comfort into his ears.
"It feels like I'm being ripped apart from the inside. And no matter how loud I scream or how much I cry, he's never going to come back. It's not fair, James, it's not fair!" Kendall wailed. "I wish Christmas didn't exist anymore."
"Hey now, you don't mean that," James cooed. "I know you miss him, and I could never know the pain you must feel every day, but he's still with you Kendall and you know that. He wouldn't want you to hate Christmas, because it's a time you can be with your family and your friends and realize how much they love you. You deserve to feel the love and warmth that comes with Christmas, and I know your dad feels the same way. He wants his son to be happy, that's all he wants, Kendall. Don't give up Christmas because of the hole in your heart, Kendall. Let Christmas fill it."
Kendall nodded against James chest, too choked up to speak but gesturing that he understood his words and knew he was right.
The boys stayed in each other's arms like this while Kendall sobbed for several minutes, and James had no problem holding him through it. Finally, the sobbing subsided, and Kendall relaxed into James' arms.
"You okay?" James asked when his friend became silent. Kendall hiccupped, staring down at the moonlit water far beneath their dangling, boot-clad feet.
"I think so," Kendall replied, rubbing his temples to rid the ache that found its way there. He always developed a headache after crying hard. "My head kinda hurts."
"I'll get you some aspirin. Come on, it's cold, let's get home," James said, nudging Kendall to get to his feet, but the blonde stayed right where he was, nestled against James' chest. "Kendall?"
"You are my home, James," Kendall whispered. James smiled a bit at this, resting his cheek on Kendall's head. "You're warm, and you're safe, and you're always there for me. You're home to me, James. I'm serious. After dad died, you were the one who… Who filled his shoes for me, because you're the one I run to and the only person I feel safe around. It's weird to say that my best friend who's almost the same age as me is like my dad, but it's kind of true, you know?"
James was grinning now. He never realized how much Kendall loved and needed him. "I'll be anything you ever need me to be, Ken," he whispered, wiping the last of the tears off Kendall's cheeks. "Merry Christmas, buddy."
"Merry Christmas, bro," Kendall replied. James helped Kendall off the cold ground. And as they walked together, arm's strung over each other's shoulders like Christmas lights on an evergreen, the blizzard ceased and snowflakes stopped tumbling down, just like the storm in Kendall's heart finally calmed and his tears stopped falling.
Because there will always be heartache and pain, but when it's over you'll breathe again. You'll breathe again. ~Crash and Burn, Savage Garden
A/N I'm giggling right now and I don't even know why. That's what bromance does to me omg. OH ANNOUNCMENT ANNOUCMENT ATTENTION lol I'm going to start working on The Christmas Promise again! I PROMISE lol. For anybody who doesn't know, it is my little Christmas companion to go along with my very first BTR story, Mystery of You, and it's pretty cute so check it out. Okay I have to go Christmas shopping now so peace until next time everybody! Love you all! And Katie, I really hope this is everything you wanted! I love you so, so, so much!