Another prompt from Castle Fanfic Tumblr Prompts - because I love the site and check it every day. So as a duty - let's fill!
Prompt: Castle helps Beckett through a panic attack.
Warnings; just angsty stuff. Feedback is always loved. Mistakes are my own, this world is not mine, I just walk in it.
Otherside.
And how the sky gets heavy when you are underneath it.
It doesn't happen often but when it does it hits full force.
This time surprises her.
They're in the Hamptons. A place that she solely associates with sun and pleasure. She can feel something ebbing and flowing throughout the day but like a headache brewing she can't put her finger on what it is. He's making dinner in the kitchen when it hits her full force. She manages to get to the bathroom, believing that some water on her face may relieve it. It doesn't.
She's on the floor remembering how to breathe; counting in doubles like she's been taught, when he comes looking for her. She can't quiet summon the embarrassment or the presence of mind to apologise for ruining their evening. What she does do is look at him and squeaks out a breath.
The look on his face might be comical if she wasn't solely trying to banish the phantom sensations. She tries to separate and catalogue them.
Heavy chest where there feels like there bullet driving through her chest.
The stretch of scar on her side
The buried pain for her mother deep within her chest pushing down
Pounding head where a suspects boot hit
The chill of a freezer and water, so much water of drowning in a bucket, in a car, surrounding her, drowning her over and over. Her breath sounds like a gurgle. She can't stop the onslaught of images assaulting her.
She thinks she might be dying.
Too much. She's dizzy with sensation. And scared. Which she knows doesn't help with her lack of breath.
He crouches to her level.
"I'm going to touch you," he says firmly and takes her face in his hands. She flinches but find the wherewithal to not pull away.
"Kate, look at me." Isn't she? She could have sworn the her eyes are open. The images aren't stopping running through her mind.
"Breathe," he comments.
Isn't she? Coherent thought is not her forte right now.
"I'm going to pick you up." She feels her self being lifted and she senses the change in place. The cold veneer of the bathroom is replaced by the gentleness and warmth of a bedroom. The depression of the bed barely registers but what does register is that her hair is being stroked, deep pressure through her back. The onslaught of images subsides but the phantom pains remain. Her chest hurts. Her side hurts. She's cold. It's overwhelming. She remembers finally how to breathe deep and curls in on herself.
He hasn't stopped providing comforting deep touch, speaking to her gently, head near her ears.
Slowly the tensions eases, and she becomes more aware. He's not talking, he's singing.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine." Breathe in.
"You make me happy, when skies are grey." Breathe out.
"You'll never know dear how much I love you," Breathe in.
"so please don't go away." Breathe out.
"I love you, Rick." She breathes. I'm sorry is what she wants to say.
He kisses the top of her head.
"You ok?" She nods. "What was it?" He asks, trepidation clear in his voice.
She's not quiet ready for it so just shakes her head and he understands. "There's food?" She shakes her head again. He want to do more. She gets it, she does, but she's so tired.
He kisses the crown of her head and gives her a hug. "I love you Kate."
"Again?" The request is clear and he responds in his low rumbling voice.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. So please don't go away." He keeps rubbing her back.
She sighs. Sleep comes.
He sighs and hopes that the darkness doesn't follow them into tomorrow.
Later, when she stretches out, limbs heavy, she releases a breath that she didn't even know she was holding; knowing she'll have to find him. Explain. She doesn't quiet know herself, and although she doesn't work well with words, she knows he does, so working through it with speech, with him, is an effort, one that she's not sure if she's got the energy for.
She calls out to him and finds his head pop up from the couch.
"Hi," she whispers crawling into his arms, kissing his neck just under his ear. He encircles her and provides a hug that makes her melt into him.
"Hi," he smiles into her neck. "How you feeling?" It feels like a safe question but the loaded implications and question behind it, make her pause in answer.
"Ok. I think. I think it was yesterday.." She pauses, "I woke up today and there was a feeling that all wasn't right."
"Why didn't you.." His question is left hanging as she cuts him off.
"I didn't know what it was, it was just unease, like the sky was pressing on me. I think," she pauses again, "I think it may have been the sea water from the swim yesterday, the salt water had a smell which stuck in my hair, I didn't wash it last night; I think it seeped into my subconscious," she finishes with a wry grin.
"The tap was running when I found you, you didn't come down when I called, I thought you just hadn't heard me."
"I didn't," she offers. "I thought washing my face might help; refresh me.. Turns out the opposite was true."
"You weren't breathing properly."
"You reminded me how. I think it you hadn't have been there I may have just passed out from hyperventilating." She turns to him, with a small smile twisting on her lips.
"Not funny, Kate," he growls.
She forgets, sometimes that it's not just her, that this affects him as well. She wonders if he'll have trouble sleeping tonight. She won't. The exhaustion has already settled back into her bones and she knows that tonight will be a dead sleep. Tomorrow night, however, won't be. Nightmares will come thick. She wonders if it will be worth sleeping.
This isn't the first time he's seen her through. This is not new for them, but recently things were better. The last one hit maybe 3 months ago. Which reminds her.
"Better coming out of it this time. And no black eyes for you. Pre warning of touch helped."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Rubbing my back helped but not my head."
She sees him taking stock, cataloging the information, just as he done on previous times. "Thanks." She adds.
"Come on." He stand and pulls her up with him. "Let's eat and go to bed." She's surprised that it was that easy. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Maybe she's turned a corner. Maybe he's just the one to make her better.
Maybe this shouldn't be a surprise anymore.
After food, after senseless tv, when their wrapped in his soft bed, she kisses him softly, gently, trying convey everything in it.
"It's ok, Beckett. Time for sleep. You can make it up to me later."
She smiles. Fatigue overtakes her, long limbs tangle with his.
The sky's still heavy but she's still here.
./.