AN: I was bored. Period. Also, I wanted to explore what Thorin would think if he read fanfiction. Assuming that he survived BOFA. (We all know he didn't, but say he did...) M for VERY brief mentions of Bagginshield, Durincest, and *ah * sex. I don't own the Hobbit.

One afternoon, Thorin Oakenshield was in a pissy mood. He sat down at his personal desk inside the royal bedchambers of Erebor and began to pen a letter.

This letter is addressed to the women who call themselves 'fangirls'.

Good afternoon, my name is Thorin II, and I am King Under the Mountain.

Although I assume you already know that, judging by who you are, and the way you present yourselves...

This letter is being written concerning your blatant misconceptions regarding some of my tastes in affections.

Firstly, my affections regarding the Hobbit, Bilbo Baggins of Bag-End. Some of you people call it 'Bagginshield' or 'Thilbo'. I wish to inform you that I have no affections towards Bilbo. That hug on the cliff which I gave him, was in no way intended to be amorous. It was a hug of forgiveness and friendship, and nothing beyond that. So if any of you think I harbor even the remotest feelings towards Mr. Baggins, then please remember that I have a sharpened battle-axe ready to use upon mention of this derogatory term of the relationship between Bilbo and I. Please stop.

Another issue is regarding 'Durincest'. Are all of you completely stark raving mad, to even think that I would pursue a romantic relationship towards my nephews?! Enough! That is disgusting! Not only that, but that my nephews would be interested in each other in that perverse manner!

A blob of ink went flying off the page and onto the nearby wall. Thorin sighed, trying to calm down so he didn't rip the parchment. Yet as soon as he began to write again, the anger spilled once more.

If I even hear the word 'Durincest', I will send an army towards wherever that sound came from!

And finally, regarding your girls that you throw at me called 'OC's or 'Original Characters. I will not have a relationship with just any girl I meet. I have standards and dignity, especially as a King. So, if you're going to pair me up with somebody, at least write me properly, and make sure it's someone I would actually like, please. I don't like being portrayed as a soft, mushy Dwarf 'king' who shags any girl he meets. So do it right!

Thank you for reading this brief letter. If you've any ounce of respect for me, you will listen and remember what I really think about these three issues. And if you forget everything and keep writing and drawing these things, then I will not have any respect towards you. Good day.

Signed,

Thorin II Oakenshield

King Under the Mountain

Once the letter was sent out, however, it was one of those types of things where nobody... nobody, listened.
But at least Thorin felt better about it.

AN: Okay, I'm sorry if this offended you guys. I am just merely trying to show what he would think. But, tell me your thoughts, flame, no flame, feedback, etc. any sort of thought is fine. Thanks for reading!/

Love and Starlight,

-Hobbit

UPDATE, OCTOBER 12, 2016: This 'story' has been edited for improvement. In hindsight, it wasn't very good the first time around. :/ But here's hoping it's better now.