As always my stories center around Severus and Narcissa and the little world I like to think they would have lived in. I'm constantly revisiting the chapter "Spinners End" from HBP as I think it said so much without saying anything at all. I find it difficult to believe Narcissa would have sought the help of Severus if there hadn't been some sort of personal relationship there. I just can't see that scene playing out as it did without a back story. So, I've decided to create one. I hope you enjoy, it's been months since I posted. Life does get in the way and the muse takes holidays whenever she pleases. If you have the time, please let me know what you think. Your words (good, bad or indifferent) encourage me on and make me a better writer.
Shame
He hadn't anticipated a second knock against his door; he had thought for sure his former guests had left earlier with the intention of not returning. However it seemed the night was but merely beginning and more surprises lay in store. Stepping over the broken wine glass he had thrown when they left the first time he navigated his way through his study, down the hallway and cautiously opened the front door to reveal the same beguiling face who only hours before had left and had left him completely undone except this time she looked more like a black widow coming back to claim her now deceased prey. Dropping his head in defeat he opened the door only wide enough for her to enter and once she crossed the threshold he closed the door, clicked the lock and leaned against the wood for strength; for surely a second visit could not be good. After all the first had been disastrous to say the very least.
Narcissa did not meet his eyes as she brushed past him instead her gaze was fixed upon the gloves within her hands and he took note that she was indeed a nervous wreck as she twisted and turned them between her fingers. Resigning him self to what ever would surely come he removed him self from the entryway still shaking his head and with one arm extended invited her once again into his study. She paused briefly upon the sight she fell upon as glass shards littered the floor and the remains of elven wine stained the carpets. Only then did she finally look to his eyes and only then did she realize what she had done.
There was a part of him that wanted to explain but then there was an equal part that wanted her to see just what her pleas had done to him because no matter how you viewed the situation her previous visit had been nothing short of a demand. Perhaps it was childish but at that moment all he wanted was revenge and the current state of disarray said more than any words ever could. As far as he was concerned she had already dug her grave and he was in no mood to pick up the pieces of her little lies.
Gesturing towards the sofa that only hour's before she had sat upon he watched as she carefully navigated the remains of his displeasure until finally she seated her self and only then did she speak, her eyes still taking in the littered floor.
"I had no idea you felt this way- perhaps I owe you an apology. I never intended for things to become so out of control."
Without the careful regard she had previously shown he crossed the study floor taking particular care to crush beneath his shoes the glass shards and watch as her face winced against the sharp intrusion into the silence. "Really Narcissa- an apology? That's what you think you owe me." Sensing his harsh tone her eyes fell once again this time upon the fire which blazed within the hearth. Knowing his prey as he so intimately did he continued on, "I'd say there is much more than an apology to be given tonight; in fact I'd say an apology is only one of so many things you should be saying tonight."
Her continued silence spurred him on. "How about your sister- what say we start there. How dare you bring that deranged sycophant into my home- just what are you playing at?" He now stood directly before her, his face glaring in disdain and growing more infuriated by the minute as she refused to answer him. "Answer me damn you- you owe me that and so very much more!"
His harsh words broke the stillness even more than the crushing glass had and it was then he could see the tears falling down her cheeks as the fire continued to blaze illuminating her deceit. Still she refused to look at him and more harshly than perhaps he intended he jerked her chin away from the embers until her face was directly beneath his gaze and her eyes were forced to see the anger within his own. Attempting to find the control that was usually ever present he slowed his breathing and with a slow cadence he continued and once again he questioned her motives. Even then, even though his anger boiled beneath the surface he could not stand her tears. Above all even after all this time it was always the women he loved that seemed to break him and the lover within him could no longer continue the charade. Releasing her chin he knelt before her and tried again, this time without the underlying dominance and rage he was so desperately trying to control.
"Why Cissa- just tell me why did you bring her here?"
Still unable to face him she turned her attentions once again to the fire until finally she found her voice and fighting through her tears she answered him. "I was afraid."
Her words cut him much harder than he would have thought them able too. Afraid of him-but why? When had he ever done anything that would give her cause to fear him? For the love of God all he had ever done was put his life in danger one crises after the next just in order to keep her safe. Dear Merlin he loved her and she knew this, had known this for years and now sitting there before him she tells him she was afraid. The words hurt almost too much to ask why but he had to know the answer- he had to know why she felt that way.
"Why in Merlin's name were you afraid- what have I ever done but love you and all the while drown in the shame for the way I feel?"
Closing her eyes attempting to stop the flow of tears she told him her greatest fear, the one she almost could not put in words. "Because you see, for the first time I thought you might say no."
Her confession practically floored him and with much softer hands he reached once again for her chin until she opened her eyes and finally she was forced to live the pain she had inflicted upon him. Her reasons now made complete sense him now. She had brought that woman to insure he would comply with her wishes- she knew that with Bellatrix present he would have no choice in the matter- an audience would assure her of success. He would have no choice other than agreeing to protect her son and see that the Dark Lord's wishes be fulfilled even at the expense of his very soul.
It seemed as though a lifetime passed before he could formulate his thoughts into words. In front of him sat the woman he loved and yet she had made a fool of him and a mockery of his love and yet- and yet the question remained. 'Could he forgive her?' It was obvious to him she wanted his forgiveness as she wore her shame like a shroud, she knew what she had done and that was why she had returned. She had to know he would be livid but not for the reasons she might have guessed. 'Protect her son'- the words needn't have even been spoken, it simply went without saying as far as he was concerned. What hurt was that she thought he might just tell her 'no- not this time- you simply ask too much.' Did she really think even for a moment he could even formulate the words to deny her anything at all- even this?
Finally his thoughts slowed and he was able to voice what it was he was thinking. "Tell me Cissa, just when have I ever told you no?"
Shaking her head slightly she answered him and at that exact moment even with tears still falling from their perches he thought she had never looked more beautiful. Just as always it was the tragedy within her that called to him and forced his hand, he had never been able to deny his affections for her or even consider for the slightest of moments not to love her.
"Never."
Her eyes had dropped with her answer and he insisted she face him as he made his own confession. Slowly tilting her chin until her eyes locked once again upon his own he told her without saying as much that she was forgiven and would forever remain such. "Then why ever should I start now?"
Narcissa said nothing; only the sound of her breath releasing could be heard as she wound her arms around him and buried her face within his embrace. His arms held her close and he smoothed away at her hair until she relaxed against him enough to insure she heard the next words he had to say. Speaking into the silence with only the dying embers to witness his next vow he made a promise that required no bonder.
"This is love Narcissa. I would bleed to love you despite the shame I feel at knowing you will never truly be mine, despite the pain I live with every day knowing you belong to someone else- this here now is love. You may never belong solely to me anywhere other than my heart but know this even if you forget everything else I ever tell you- this is love and there is lasting truth forever within that claim."
She did not respond to his words but simply allowed her body to slide from the chair until she eventually ended curled within his arms letting her whole body feel the security which only he could offer. This was love and love without pretense or conditions and never again would she let herself forget that or the promises he had made so very long ago. Love was more than a state of mind and once again Severus had reminded her of just that.
What a fool she had been to doubt him and she should have known better and felt nothing but shame for her deceit. Severus was her forever and time could cast as many spells as it wanted but the fact would always remain his love was haunting and would follow her to the grave. Never again would she doubt him and do him such a dishonor, never again would she think he could ever tell her no.