What hurts the most, a harry potter fanfic

So… this is my birthday present to Lealover1. But it's like very much too late cause her birthday was ages ago. Lea- Jag är ledsen att det tog så lång tid innan den blev klar. Hoppas du gillar den i alla fall och grattis i efterskott.

Harry may be a bit OOC in this but… after everything that's happened that wouldn't be so weird would it? I hope you like it anyway.

Enjoy

"Hi Harry" Luna came into the burrow. Where I had been staying since we left Hogwarts- all of us to leave room for those who still went there or were about to go there. I looked up from the table and looked up to Luna. The blonde girl with the distant look in her eyes- even when she was fully concentrated walked through the kitchen greeting me with a quick hug before she continued up the stairs and towards Ginny's room.

I sighed when I was left alone in the room again, looked straight out in the air without seeing what caught my vision. Laid my hand on the table and let my fingertip follow one of the many cracks in the kitchen table and lowered my chin so I was following the same crack with my vision. I didn't look up when I heard footsteps of someone coming into the kitchen and then a voice.

"Hello Harry dear." I heard Mrs. Weasley's voice. I greeted her back without looking up. In fact I couldn't understand how I would ever be able to look anyone of my friends' in the eyes again. Especially Mrs. Weasley. I had heard somewhere- everywhere- that the worst thing that could ever happen to a human being was for a mother to lose her child.

And how many mothers hadn't lost their children during the second war? How many partners that always knew that they were sticking together until they got old had lost a half of themselves? How many children hadn't lost one or both of his or hers parents- the list goes on forever and it was all because of me so how would I ever be able to look anyone in my world in the eyes ever again when I knew what I had done.

And one of the things that felt worst to me was that I had hurt the people I loved the most. The people I loved and cared for and the ones I had promised myself I would never let them hurt because of me. So how would I ever be able to look them into the eyes again? And Mrs. Weasley especially. Of course there was people I knew better than I knew her but Mrs. Weasley… she was special.

Mrs. Weasley had been the first I could remember taking me under her wing like a mum would without asking for anything in return for it. She had cared more for me than anyone I could remember and yet I had did my choices that killed one of her very beloved children and put all of the others of them in great danger that could just as well had killed them all.

I lifted my hand and pulled it through my hair to get the fringe out of my eyes. My fingertips pulled along the light rise in the skin with the thin white line forming a lightning shaped scar in my forehead, then I shoved my hands in my pockets, stood up and started walking through the house. There would be people coming and going here all day but right now most of the people were out. There was Mrs. Weasley standing making the dishes do themselves with a flick on her wand, George was in his room- his and no one else's with Angelina Johnson who would be with him at almost all times.

George was also one of the ones that had gotten hit hardest by the battle. We had all lost several people we all loved and cherished but George- he had lost his other half. There was no George without Fred and no Fred without George. And none of them would never have faced anything of what life could give alone- and they never should have had to.

Yet now it was only George, no Fred. Fred was gone, it was over. George was left to face the rest of his life's struggles alone. Of course he still had his other brother's, his sister and his parents. His friends, he had all of us but there was no way George could function without Fred. He had barely come out of his room since we came home from Scotland and Hogwarts and whenever he was he'd just go out, get what he needed and then be back laying in his bed and staring into the wall or crying.

Now- as so often since the battle I could hear muffled sobs as George as usual held his pillow pressed towards his face while crying. And then Angelina's soft voice trying to calm him down with that shiver that said so much more than her words did about how desperate she was and how badly she wanted to mend what had been so damaged inside of George's heart and soul.

I sighed and kept on walking, Percy sat on the floor in his room reading. The door was open and Charlie sat in there too reading about dragons and pulling a hand through his hair that- after Mrs. Weasley had cut it so short last summer- had grown out to about half of its usual length. After arriving so late at the battle Charlie had decided to stay here for at least six months to be with his family during the hardest times.

But neither of Percy and Charlie had looked up from their books much since we came home. It was like they would just keep on reading- and I had seen both of them sitting and stare at the same pages for more than an hour because they wanted to seem like they were reading when in fact their mind were far away and with what had happened and who we had lost.

Percy was reading about defense against dark magic. That was everything he had been reading about since we came back to the burrow. I had seen him at Hogwarts sitting with defense against the dark arts books and bringing with what he could take. As if he wanted to have it all with him to be able to protect his family if something as bad ever happened again.

Charlie was just reading anything and everything he came upon just to try to keep his mind of things. I had even seen him sit with Mrs. Weasley's cookbooks and Lockhart's books. Now for once he had found a book about what he loved the most-dragons- a book I had seen him with at least a million times before and that he probably had memorized every single word from by now.

I kept on walking through the house. I could hear the voices of Luna, Hermione and Ginny from Ginny's room. Right after the battle when we first came back and we were all at our worst Ron would only lay in his bed in our room and stare into the wall without saying a word to anybody- not even when we talked to him. The only person who could make him talk- make him stand up and come down to eat dinner or even look at her was Hermione.

It was no secret that Ron and Hermione had been a couple since the battle. It was no secret that I and Ginny were also and even though I loved Ginny to bits. I couldn't help to feel just a gust of jealousy when I thought about how Ron and Hermione always would be able to talk to each other about anything and everything- while they were things that I couldn't talk to anyone about- not even Ginny.

Luna had also been spending a lot of time here lately, her mum had died long before the battle in between the wars and apart from that, I guess it could be said that her dad was her only family.

After I, Ron and Hermione had been to a dramatic visit at the Lovegood's Mr. Lovegood had been put in Azkaban during the war by the death eaters. We'd heard he'd managed to escape right before Voldemort's fall. Both he and Luna had went back to the cottage they lived in before but Luna was often here all day long anyway.

I didn't blame Xenophilius Lovegood for how he had betrayed us during the war. It was over and I knew that that was just things that people did during wars- he wasn't a bad person and he simply wanted his daughter back so I had just let it go and acted as politely as I always had done towards him. Hermione had done the same but Ron still acted stiff and quite rudely as soon as Mr. Lovegood was around.

Mr. Lovegood himself seemed to feel bad about what he had done and had apologized about a thousand times, and yet he still acted shy and quietly and never spent more than a few minutes at the Weasley's and then seemed to be running more than walking through the door and towards his cottage.

Getting the ministry back and working would be a long and hard process with everyone that had died in the war. It was already on getting back to something that- in my eyes was better than before but it would take months before it was working fully. Mr. Weasley and Ron had gone there today and would be gone yet a few hours more.

When I came down in the kitchen again Mrs. Weasley was just saying goodbye to Bill and Fleur. They had been visiting for a few hours at the time almost every day or just hanging at the burrow since the battle and then left to go back to their shell cottage. I leaned back against the kitchen bench and looked around in the room, just as Andromeda Tonks came up the driveway, knocked the door and came into the house with Teddy laying with a folded blanket around him in her arms.

Teddy was the worst part of everything with this. Almost seventeen years ago I had been about where he was now. Just an orphan, just an orphan who had become an orphan way too early to ever remember not being an orphan. I was concentrating so hard on Teddy for a moment I didn't even notice I'd pretty much stopped breathing and slumped back to lean against the kitchen bench again until Mrs. Weasley's voice brought me back to reality.

"Harry… Harry? Harry dear are you alright?" I flinched and took a deep breath, for a moment not sure about where or who I was or what was happening as I played Mrs. Weasley's voice on replay in my head to realize what she was saying and cleared my throat to save some time.

"Yes… Yes I'm fine." I stuttered. "I'm sorry I need to…" I didn't finish the sentence as I rushed out of the house and sat down with my back against the wall outside. Outside the air was cool and easy to breathe- it was cloudy but had stopped raining for now which all should have made it easier to breathe. But still I had to think about every breath I took. "Breathe in… breathe out… breathe in…. breathe out…" I whispered under my breath because as soon as I'd stopped my breaths would turn into hyperventilating.

When I- after what felt like hours to me could breathe normally without having to concentrate on it. I looked up from my hands and stood up to go and take a walk towards the village and back again. I sighed, when I turned around I could see Mrs. Weasley standing in the kitchen window worriedly looking after me. I raised my hand in a wave and wrote in the air with my wand that I was taking a walk. She nodded, but stayed there looking at me- I didn't see her- but I could feel her looking at me.

Out on the road I met two people, a blonde woman with a little boy with the same hair color as the woman I assumed was his mum. I heard the woman say something to him about continuing to hold her hand while she turned her head, looked to me and nodded. I nodded back and pulled my fingers through my fringe to cover the scar and let them see who I was- but too late.

"Look mummy" The little boy- maybe three or four years old screeched and pointed to me. "It's him- it's Harry Potter. It's the boy who saved our world… thank you Harry Potter." And without any further notice the boy let go of his mother's hand and came over- almost knocking me off my feet when he hugged my legs.

"Balthazar!" His mum scolded and pulled him towards her again while she kneeled down. "You do not go off and just hug strangers like that." I heard his protests about I not being a stranger- I was Harry Potter! But didn't listen to it anymore as I closed my eyes- and then when I opened them again I stood outside grimmauld place number eleven and thirteen. I mumbled the words to make number twelve appear to myself and then walked up the stairs and into the house.

I laid down on my back on the sofa in the living room. Stared into the ceiling and followed the cracks in the wooden boards with my eyes. I had barely been able to sleep at all since the war with the faces and the voices of the ones we had lost flashed through my head blaming me for their death as soon as it was quiet and I closed my eyes. But laying on the ragged old sofa in Sirius's house I felt my eyelids getting only heavier and heavier.

It's my fault…

One after one they all flashed in front of my inner vision. Mum, dad, Sirius, Remus, Tonks…all of the people we had lost because of me they flashed through my head one after one. And they all looked to me with their eyes telling me that it was my fault- it was all my fault! If it wasn't for me they would all still be alive. If I had made some other- some better choices.

IT'S MY FAULT…

My eyes shot open with a sharp intake of breath. I started sitting up but someone gently pushed me back against the sofa again. "It's alright my dear" The voice and the tone used was easy to recognize at Mrs. Weasley's. "It was just a bad dream." Everything was blurry- I didn't have my glasses on but I could see her moving and then she pulled on the thin, black frames.

"Mrs. Weasley?" I breathed heavily. "What are you doing here?" I slouched back against the sofa's cushions trying to take deep, calmer breaths. Mrs. Weasley was frowning and continued doing so while she lifted her hand and stroke away a few tresses of hair that had fallen in front of my eyes- feeling my forehead with her palm in the movement.

"I got a bit worried when you didn't come back- you've been gone for a few hours and it's starting to get late. So I figured that you might have gone here." She kneeled by my side and looked- just as kind but firmly as ever into my eyes. "Harry dear? Are you alright?" I closed my eyes- I knew that if I kept them open I would never be able to trick her with my lies. "Do you want me to tell me about that dream?"

Not that I thought she'd believe me when I with my eyes closed slowly nodded to her question. "Yes Mrs. Weasley. I'm alright" I kept my eyes closed for another few seconds, avoiding the question about the dream, then opened my eyes again- but looked away when I couldn't bear to meet Mrs. Weasley's. They looked so different now than what they had done before- before the war- and before she lost her child.

"The others are probably about to go to bed now." She told me and sat down by the edge of the sofa. "Do you want to go back there or do you want to stay here tonight?" I pushed myself up to sit up and leaned back against the corner of the sofa. I didn't quite know yet heard myself answer that I'd rather stay here. "Do you want me to stay here with you? Or would you like that Ron, Hermione or Ginny came here?"

I shook my head. Well… my mind said no but my heart and the rest of my whole body just screamed yes. I wanted her to stay. I was too lonely… wanted to cry and for Mrs. Weasley to wrap me up in her arms and just hold me until there were no more tears to cry. "Are you sure? I could stay here if you want to." I looked up again, the thought of telling her the truth crossed my mind but I shook my head before I had the time to change my mind. I didn't want to bother any more than what I had already done.

"No thanks. I need some time on my own."

Mrs. Weasley disappeared in the matter of a second back to the burrow to get some things for me. I wanted to protest- tell her that I already have everything I needed and if I didn't I'd just get it with a flick on my wand. But I just couldn't get myself to do it. I thought about going to lay down and sleep in one of the bedrooms instead of the living room sofa but I couldn't get myself to do that either so I ended up laying down in the sofa again and staring up in the ceiling. And the last thing I could remember before drifting off was feeling a blanket being spread over me and lips slightly touching my forehead.

It's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault!

Even in my sleep I threw my hands over my ears and closed my eyes even harder to just get away from their voices. Get away from their eyes looking at me so blaming. Get away from them. Just for once not having to think about that it was all my fault and all because of the choices I had made. Get away from going through every moment from leaving private drive until after the war to go through the choices I had done and maybe understand and see fragments of what could have gone differently and whom could have lived if I only had done the right things from the start.

"YES, YES, YES, YES" I shouted and threw myself back and forth in my sleep. "IT'S MY FAULT. IT'S MY FAULT" I threw myself to the side and felt myself falling, woke up with a sharp intake of breath right before I hit the floor next to the sofa. I was breathing heavily and soaking with sweat and as soon as I was oriented and everything like that I laid my head down towards the hard wooden floor and tried to take deep breaths.

Their voices were still echoing in my head as I sat up and leaned my head back towards the sofa so I looked up again and to the clock on the wall. Three, two, one, midnight. July the thirtieth went over to July the thirty first and I was officially eighteen years old- authority in the muggle world. I sighed. No one had mentioned a word about my birthday coming closer, and if I could choose, I would like to keep it that way. Celebrating after everything that had happened just wouldn't seem right.

I sighed, July the thirty first nineteen nighty eight. That would mean that tomorrow would be one year since the wedding, one year since it all started. Not it all- it had all started that day at the graveyard.

No! It had all started the day that Voldemort was born. But since we started travelling around the world hiding from death eaters and searching for horcruxes to destroy them to be able to destroy Voldemort.

I sighed and got on my feet to get up and sit in the sofa again. I was still soaking with sweat and my hair that otherwise would point in every direction possible laid flat against my head with sweat. I lifted my hand and pulled the fringe away from my face "It's my fault." I mumbled under my breath for what must have been the millionth time in the last few months.

I rested my sweaty forehead against the sofa and drew deep breaths. In, out, in, out, in, out… After some while I could stop concentrating on my breathing, but I didn't lay down to fall back asleep. I didn't want to fall asleep again- didn't want to see their faces or hear their voices- so when I felt my eyelids getting heavier I stood up and walked up the stairs, then downstairs again and started walking back and forth. In the hallway I stumbled and of course woke up Sirius' mum.

"YOU AGAIN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE…" I didn't listen to anymore as I was so tired the sound of her voice seemed to echo in my head and the words just fell together and became blurry.

"SHUT UP" I shouted at last. "I SAID SHUT UP." Before it was too late, I pulled the curtains together again and walked back into the living room where I continued walking back and forth- I didn't want to fall back asleep- didn't want to fall back asleep- didn't want to… I didn't… when I collapsed and my head hit the floor with a dull sound- I was already drifted off too much to notice the pain that shot through my head- and I was way too exhausted to dream anything at all.

"Harry?" A motherly voice and a hand stroking my hair woke me up. "Harry, dear. Can you wake up for me?" I started drifting back to reality and a pounding in the back of my head. Someone sat holding me sitting and stroke away tresses of my dark, tousled fringe from my forehead to run her palm over my forehead to feel if it was warm.

And it felt so… so… I couldn't even describe it. I opened my eyes half but everything was so blurry everything I could distinguish was a roundish face and a thatch of red hair- could it be? No it really couldn't? Had I really hit my head so hard? Could it really be? I felt a tiny little bit of a glimpse of hope getting lit inside of me- maybe it could be? Maybe it was now that was the time for me to finally get to be with her.

"Mum?"

"No Harry." I heard. "It's me- Molly." I closed my eyes again and felt the glimpse of hope disappear again. Of course- it couldn't be my mum. Should've learned that by now.!

Even with my eyelids closed I could see the room go brighter and then darker again and I could guess Mrs. Weasley had sent away a patronus for whatever reason because only a few minutes later I could hear footsteps rushing down the hallway and Mr. Weasley coming into the living room. He said something but I was starting to drift away again and everything got too blurry for me to distinguish any words from the blur of sounds.

"Harry dear?" It felt like a split second later when I could distinguish the same motherly voice that had woken me up the last time again. "Sweetie- can you wake up for us." My eyes fluttered open. "I'm going to hold up a cup okay? I want you to drink what is in it. It'll make you feel better dear." She held the cup to my lips and tipped it slightly. I was pretty sure that swallowing a drop would make me throw up but I didn't know what else to do so I slightly opened my mouth and swallowed the warm drink.

It didn't really taste anything at all. Yet I wanted to turn my head and spit it all out with how nauseas it was making me to swallow anything at all. But Mrs. Weasley held onto the cup and tipped it while sitting on her knees behind me and supporting my back and Mr. Weasley sat in the chair and looked over to me- and if I had been able to see without everything would have been blurry then I would have seen the deep frown in between his eyes and the worry shining from his eyes.

"Okay that's it." Mrs. Weasley put the cup to the side when I had drank all of the potion. "Now we only need to wait for it to work. Come here sweetie." She laid her arm around me from the back and gently pushed me down so I could lay against her knees and lean my head onto her arm. Usually I would pull away, not let myself come close enough to lay like this. But I couldn't even gather the energy to move to sit up- and then I drifted away again.

It's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault It's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault It's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault It's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault

"Harry? Harry dear? It's okay it's just a dream." Yet again Mrs. Weasley's voice broke through the dark. Broke through their voices shouting, whispering and speaking how much they were blaming me until I laid with my knees pulled up and my arms over my head not being able to move or anything with their voices breaking me down to nothing.

I slowly opened my eyes, everything was still blurry and I felt that I didn't have my glasses on. I wanted to say it but before I had the time I could see a man I recognized as Mr. Weasley on the short, thin red hair leaned over me and pulled my glasses on. "Are you alright dear?" Mrs. Weasley asked stroking the fringe from my forehead- sweaty with panic.

I couldn't get myself to speak yet but I nodded tiredly and then slowly pushed myself up to sit on the floor instead of on Mrs. Weasley's lap and slowly pushed myself further and further away from the couple mumbling an excuse. "There's no need to say you're sorry. It's nothing to be sorry for." I drew a deep breath, pushed myself up on my feet and sat down again in the sofa.

"It's my fault." I whispered under my breath. Too low for them to hear and mumbling enough so they wouldn't be able to see my lips moving. It was like really saying it gave me a feeling of that- maybe everyone would understand that I was already blaming myself- then maybe they would leave me alone from them haunting me in my dreams.

"What time is it?" I mumbled, even though it wouldn't have taken me more than a few seconds to raise my chin and look to the clock on the wall. I got an answer that it was about noon, waited a moment. Maybe it was now they would be the first ones to wish me happy birthday, but the room kept silent.

After a little while I pushed myself up onto my feet and closed my eyes and then when I opened them again- of course I stood in the middle of a puddle outside the burrow. "UGH" I jumped out of the puddle and kicked my wet sneakers off right inside the door and then ran up to the room I and Ron shared for the moment.

I slightly touched first each of my wet socks, then the sneakers and at last the lowest part of my jeans with my wand and all of the dirty water of the puddle seemed to be sucked into my wand and left the fabric dry and warm. I pulled on my sneakers again and tied the laces, before standing up and walking down the stairs.

"Oh yeah" Mrs. Weasley said when I came into the kitchen and pulled out a wrapped present from a cupboard that she held over to me. "Happy birthday dear." She reached up and kissed my cheek slightly, I thanked and slowly pulled off the sticky tape from the colorful paper that read "Happy birthday Harry" in sparkly letters.

"Mrs. Weasley." I breathed when I had gotten the carton inside open to reveal one bag of home- made toffee, chocolate frogs, Bertie Bott's beans, more homemade cookies and sweets and then something at the bottom of the box. "Oh Mrs. Weasley…" I breathed again when I got it up and could see what it was. "This is way too much!"

I riffled through the scrapbook that held photos from all of the six years I had gone to Hogwarts. "This is just enough- it's from me and Arthur but we have collect photos from all of our friends. Oh do you remember that?" Mrs. Weasley pointed to a photo that was shot at grimmauld place number twelve a few days after Tonks, Remus and the others came and got me there. Sirius was sitting with his drink in his hand laughing so hard he shook and I was standing leaning against the bench with my arms crossed, a butter bear in my hand laughing so hard the butter beer I had just been drinking went out my nose.

I loved the picture only- it felt so distant. Those three years ago felt like decades- and it felt like it had been a whole lifetime since I was that happy the last time. With everything that had happened- it just felt like I would never have the chance to ever be that happy again. I swallowed and then closed the album and walked up the stairs and put the album on the bedside table- I'd look more in it later and the candy next to it, grabbing a chocolate frog I sat down on my bed again.

"Dumbledore again." I mumbled when I saw the card. I held the frog in my hand so it wouldn't be able to jump away from me and looked down on Dumbledore's serious expression on the card and remembered the day I had been at the Hogwarts Express for the very first time and gotten a card- also that one with Dumbledore- for the very first time.

It felt to me like everything had been so easy then. I had known what Voldemort could do but still I hadn't even seen half of it. I hadn't known how I would walk around the castle always ready to pull my invisibly cloak out of my bag in case something would happen and I would have to run for it. I hadn't known how the thought of everything that happened around me I would feel my stomach turn so I thought I would be sick. I hadn't known that there was something called horcruxes. I hadn't known how we would hide for months and months to keep from getting killed.

I hadn't known- that in a few years time- if I could just go back there for a little while. To get just a tiny little bit of a break from the demons that were haunting me day and night- then I would do it without blinking.

I was woken up from my thoughts when I felt the chocolate frog jump out of my hand and towards the window- I didn't bother try to catch it, but watched it as it climbed over the window and jumped outside. And then got lost in my thoughts again, saw some of my favorite memories of Hogwarts. Maybe they weren't all the happiest- but thinking about them- I knew there weren't any times I had been happier than right then.

I closed my eyes and for a moment I saw in front of me how we were walking, Ron and I side by side and with other first- graders both behind and in front of us, through the great hall and towards the sorting hat, coming back to Professor McGonagall's office after saving Ginny from the chamber of secrets, realizing who Sirius really were and that- that there really was someone caring for me.

I sighed- it all felt so far away- and I would have given anything to just go back- if so only for a little while and just be that happy again. Just experience that when I wouldn't have to worry about that it was my fault- that it was all because of me.

My eyes fluttered open again, I didn't want to risk fall asleep and start dreaming again. I felt my eyelids getting heavier though so before I would have the time I pushed myself up, stood up and walked out of the room and down the sets of stairs to the kitchen. No one was there so I turned around again and checked all the bedrooms- they were all empty so at last I just jumped up in a window frame and used my wand to make different colored bubbles- in a failed attempt to entertain myself.

Happy birthday Harry James Potter. Happy freaking birthday!

I knew I had been thinking that maybe it would be the best for all of us if they didn't mind about my birthday this year. With everything that had been going on since my last birthday it felt way too "every- day- ish" for people to do anything about it. But they could at least have remembered it! Not just, gone away to the ministry and to friends' and wherever they was and let Mrs. Weasley be the only one who remembered.

"Harry dear?" Mrs. Weasley stood in the bottom of the stairs. "Can you come and help me with something in the garden?" I nodded, pressed my wand down in the inside pocket of my shirt and hurried down the stairs, and when I couldn't see Mrs. Weasley anywhere I turned around and pushed the door opened and walked outside.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY!"

All the Weasley's stood there and shouted Happy birthday to me, there stood also Hermione, Luna, Fleur, Neville, Professor McGonagall, Hagrid, Slughorn, Andromeda and Teddy. For a little moment I just stood there, not moving a muscle but in my eyes to look to each and every one of them for a split second and nodded in thanks for them being there.

"Hey Harry." Hagrid was the first one to break from the group and he came over and pulled me up in one of his bear- hugs before I had the time to react so when he let go I would have fallen backwards if he hadn't caught me. "Yah okay?" I nodded so he changed the subject. "Eighteen years old Harry! Yah're gettin' so big aren't yah? I remember when I took yah to the Durlsey's. I had yah in my hand!"

I took the present he reached me. "It was yah father's." He said while I slowly unwrapped the paper around it. When he said that it had belonged to my dad I hesitated. "I was givin' it to yah last year but then… well you know." I nodded without looking at him, still with the paper laying on top of the present I held in my hand, then took some courage before anyone would have the time to wonder why I was hesitating and pulled the paper off to reveal…

…a box.

With my fingers slightly shaking I opened the little carton and reached my fingers down in it to pull up what was in. My fingers clenching around a thick leather thread and pulling up a wooden charm with inscribed the neck and head of a stag smelling a lily. And there was inscribed "Mr. And Mrs. James Charlus and Lily Maria Potter 31/12/78" I stroke my thumb over the well- done picture. So well… then I knew both my parents middle names and their wedding date.

I swallowed and pulled clenched my hand around the charm. Mumbling something about that I'd put it away and go to the bathroom I turned around and more or less ran into the house, through the kitchen and up the stairs not minding about Hermione shouting after me. I laid the necklace on top of the photo album Mrs. Weasley had given me and without looking behind me I ran straight into the bathroom and locked the door after me.

I clenched my hand hard around the edge of the porcelain bowl of the bathroom sink trying to take deep breaths and fight against the tears that were starting to rise in my eyes. How on earth had I become this squeamish? I took short, deep breaths because it just didn't work with long and then sat down on the toilet lid and put my head in my hands.

"Harry? Are you in here?" I heard Ginny's voice and she knocked on the door. "Are you sick or something? Should I get mum?" I sighed and shook my head, not really thinking about the fact that she couldn't see me. Then I took a deep breath and trying to make my voice seem steadier than what it probably should have been I answered her.

"Yes I'm in here. No I'm fine and no, just go down to the others again. I'll be out in a minute." I heard Ginny go downstairs again and then stood up and turned the water on, took it in my hands and lowered my head to wash my face. I leaned forward and lifted the collar of my shirt to dry off my face again and then looked myself in the mirror.

I looked exactly like I had this morning, yesterday, the day before that etc. My dark hair was just as tousled as ever, the scar showed slightly behind the tousled fringe, the glasses were big and round, there was another scar in shape of a thin, white line from the upper part on the bridge of my nose and down towards my eye. It had shaped from a wound I had gotten during the battle at Hogwarts, the shape and proportions of my face were the same as they had always been. And yet it felt like I should look different now from yesterday.

From yesterday, for some reason everything had seemed to be blowing up inside of me and just pushing me down, inside of me was just chaos and I didn't know how to work it all out. Shouldn't it somehow show on my outside that nothing inside made sense? Shouldn't it? Maybe it should, maybe it would have been easier to ask for help if someone could see what was wrong- and see what I couldn't because I had no idea what was.

"Harry, dear?" not until I heard Mrs. Weasley's voice on the other side of the door I realized how much time had passed since Ginny stood outside the door and I told her I was coming. "Are you sure you're alright?" I stroke my hand through my fringe one last time and unlocked the door to step outside, not at Mrs. Weasley's question and walk downstairs and out in the garden.

"Happy birthday Harry." Luna said and reached me a parcel. I slowly unwrapped it to find something that looked like a Television remote and a pair of glasses put together. Luna was just starting to describe what it was when Andromeda's gasp was heard all over the garden and we all turned. My heart went up in my throat as I saw one worst case scenario in front of me after the other before I had fully turned around to see what it was.

"Oh Teddy just rolled over for the first time." She said in a happy high- pitched voice and sat down by the table where Teddy laid on top on his back, and as I watched he fought to roll over to his stomach again. "Oh I wish Dora and Remus were here to see this."

…Oh I wish Dora and Remus were here to see this…

And just as she'd said that I saw George's heartbroken expression as he'd turned to say something to Fred but realized he wasn't there. The sentence had already knocked me off hitting me harder than the train. And I felt my chest tighten. Looking around I saw the others smiling, Mrs. Weasley even had tears in her eyes looking to Teddy.

I stumbled into the kitchen and up the stairs, barely had I come inside the door in my and Ron's room my knees gave in and I fell to my knees on the floor with short, shallow breaths no matter how much I tried to breathe slow and deep. The door behind me was closed and I hoped that no one had noticed me leaving so that no one would come after, but I should have known someone would. But I still flinched at someone laying a hand on my back because I hadn't heard anyone coming.

"Harry?" Ginny's voice seemed blurry, and I could barely recognize it. "Harry are you alright?"

Alright? Alright? What sort of question was that? Would I sit here on my knees, barely holding myself upright and my breaths short and shallow if I was alright? In fact how would anyone think that I could ever become "alright" ever again? "Harry, it's alright. It's okay, just try to breathe." Alright? Nothing was alright! And nothing was ever going to be alright either!

And that's when something inside of me broke, and I knew instantly that I wasn't going to be able to keep things to myself anymore.

"It's not alright Ginny. Nothing is alright!" I panted. "Nothing is alright." Ginny looked at me with a confused expression and I knew I had to go on, because I couldn't stop now. "It's all my fault. It's my fault Tonks and Remus aren't here to see their son grow up. It's my fault that when George looks to his side there is no one there anymore. It is my fault that Teddy is like me and he will never be able to remember not being an orphan… It is my fault…" Ginny lifted her hand from my back. And I heard her mumble about that she didn't know what to do, then she left the room and I guess it was to just leave. Because she had realized it really was my fault.

"Harry, dear?" Barely a minute later I heard the voice of Mrs. Weasley as she came into the room and kneeled by me. "What's going on?" I continued panting, tried to answer but I just couldn't. "Hey… come on dear, try to breathe with me." She started taking slow, deep breaths to try to get me to breathe slowly with her but I just continued panting along with shaking my head.

I just couldn't believe, couldn't let go of the thought that after all I had done. After all that my choices had ended up in. Would I really deserve anything then? Would I even deserve the oxygen I had to breathe when that meant that with every breath I took even more from the ones that my choices had ripped away so many loved ones from them? Would I even deserve to even be here? With everybody that had had to put their life in for me. I wouldn't even deserve to be here myself at all!

"Harry?" My vision and hearing was getting even more blurry- from the lack of oxygen I could guess but right now it didn't really cross my mind that that could be it. "Harry, come here." I was starting to drift off and let myself be embraced by a soft, safe dark and the last thing I knew before all of the rest of the world was gone was that Mrs. Weasley laid her arm around my shoulders and a hand towards my cheek and then pulled me close.

And then it all went dark, it went dark and all the pain and worry just seemed to disappear. "Harry?" A soft, woman's voice broke through the dark. "Harry, dear" I looked around, but everything was still dark. "Harry…" I looked around and right in front of a bright light that made her seem dark and blurry in the colors, but I could see loads of red hair.

"Mum?" Maybe this time. Maybe this could be it and I would never have to go back to the hurt and the pain on earth again. Just please tell me this could be it so I could go back to who was there from the beginning and then never left.

"No dear, it's me- Molly Weasley." Her voice was motherly, and soft. But it broke my heart all over again, shattered it into tiny little pieces as if she had been standing there with a hammer and my heart in her hand. "Harry, dear… can you open your eyes for me?"

No, don't let me wake up. Please just let me drift off again. Drifting off doesn't hurt- but coming back to reality does. I forced my eyes closed, closed them as hard as I could in harder attempts than ever to just drift off to unconsciousness again. "No dear." I heard Mrs. Weasley's voice and I felt her stroking my cheek with the back of her fingers again. "Stay with me now. Come on, can you open your eyes for me?"

I didn't want to open my eyes. I just wanted to drift back into the dark to never wake up again. But of course I also wanted to do what I was told so I slowly started opening my eyes again. The light behind Mrs. Weasley turned out to be the sun shining through the window. "There dear." Mrs. Weasley stroke my cheek again. "That's it."

I might have looked like I was, but I was just barely awake and when I closed my eyes again I saw them all in front of me again with their blame shining from their eyes-and also from their voices when they started speaking.

Not again!

"It's my fault." I said back, maybe it would work- or it was at least worth a try. Maybe if they all heard me they would realize that there was no one that blamed me more than myself. Maybe then they would have some mercy and leave me to myself.

"No Harry." Mrs. Weasley said with a slight shakiness in her voice. "Nothing's your fault." It wasn't until then I realized. I had said the three- or more likely three and a half words out loud instead of just to the ones in my head and I slowly opened my eyes again to see Mrs. Weasley once again sitting on her knees on the floor supporting me with her arm behind my back.

"It's my fault." The words had escaped my mouth before I could stop them. "Everything's my fault." She shook her head slowly. "If I had just made other choices. I could just have…. And then no one would have died because of me." Mrs. Weasley swallowed, and for a moment I was afraid I had made her cry again but she only shook her head and stroked my cheek yet again.

"Harry! Listen to yourself!" She said softly. "If it wasn't for all of the choices and all the sacrifices you made we would not have our world here. You- know- who would have destroyed it all…"

"I could have killed him myself!"

"No Harry stop it. Vol… Voldemort he was too strong. You wouldn't have been able to fight him on your own. And if you had tried then it would only have resulted in Voldemort getting stronger and if he had then he would have destroyed our whole world and killed anybody who refused to follow him. No one would have wanted that, and it wouldn't have been better for anyone." She took a deep, shaky breath.

"It's still my fault" I said, but I wasn't quite as steady on my voice anymore. Maybe because I wanted to believe in what she was telling me. Maybe because I wanted so badly to believe that it wasn't all because of me.

"No Harry. It's Voldemort's fault and you never asked for anything that he did and there was nothing you could have done differently to have it all gone better. People would have gotten killed anyway and believe me Harry- there isn't one person- dead or alive that blames you. The only one who blames you, is you."

Mrs. Weasley could never have known how much those few sentences meant to me. A few sentences that was enough proof for the opposite so I couldn't fight against it to prove the opposite against what she had said, and with the relief that followed I didn't realize my breathing had turned into hyperventilating.

"Sch dear." Mrs. Weasley pulled me close and rocked me back and forth as if I had been a little child. "Sch it's okay, I've got you now." My short, fast breaths started turning into wilder and wilder sobs. And I didn't know how to stop them- or if I even wanted to stop them at all. "It's okay now dear. It's over now. Just let it all out."

The sobs were getting yet wilder and at last I just let go of fighting and just let it all come. And even I would have to admit that just letting it all out felt good, even though I didn't realize how hard my hands clenched around the fabric of Mrs. Weasley's dress, or how fast the tears came streaming down my cheeks.

I wasn't sure how long it lasted but hours and hours later I laid in my bed for the night listening to Ron's long, loud snoring and an owl hooting outside the window. And for the first time in so long, as I laid there and watched the seconds pass at the clock, I felt relaxed. And I knew that whatever life had planned or not planned for me it would all be okay in the end.

I watched as the clock passed midnight, and the first few seconds on August the first I closed my eyes. For the first time in so long not resulting in me seeing them all in front of me blaming me for the choices I had made.

One year, one whole year had passed since Bill and Fleur's wedding. That marked one year since the second battle had started. One year since the ministry fell, one year since we had to make a run for it and hide.

One year wasn't a very long time. It felt like it could just as well had been yesterday as Kingsley's patronus came rushing into the tent. It felt like it could just have been yesterday Remus had pushed me away shouting at me to leave instead of trying to get to Ginny to protect her from the death eaters.

Yet it felt so far away, it could have been decades ago since I, Ron and Hermione took each other's hands to use apparition to get away from the death eaters at the wedding to start hiding. It could have been decades ago Hermione in the middle of it all started blaming herself for forgetting my seventeenth birthday.

And yet it was only one year.

And one year also marks the day when people expect you to start letting go. It marks the day when people expect you to start moving on. And even though there wasn't one year since the battle at Hogwarts had happened- even though it was barely two months since then, maybe this would be the day to start letting go, and move on.

So…. That's it… at over nine thousand words it's done! This is my second longest chapter ever. It might be a bit boring I guess since it's really depressing and nothing big actually happens. But I hope you liked it anyway and Lea- gratis I efterskott igen. Och jag hoppas att det var värt all väntan.

-Linnéa