Sam wonders if he sticks pins into his eyes if he will feel it.
He wonders if he went suddenly blind from the pain and the blood it would bother him. He muses on the state of the universe and all it makes him feel is vaguely irritated. He feels his brother's fists on his face and – despite the pain – he feels no fear, no worry; no concern.
Dean beating him should be something that upsets him he figures.
Trouble is – it doesn't.
He's tried drink; sex and even wondered about drugs. Nights are long when you can't sleep and even longer when your thoughts refuse to wander. He stares at the flickering screen and watches horror movie after horror movie, a marathon of gore, suffering and endless death.
In the morning his eyes itch and his ass his sore but he doesn't feel any sort of distress even though he thinks he should. Dean's green eyes burn him and he can feel them boring into the back of his neck; Dean carrying out his threat, watching him, watching his every move. Sam swallows and stares back at his brother. There is a long pause before Dean's eyes shift and cut away. Years ago – Sam would have never won that contest but now – now it is easy.
Dean's grief over Ben and Lisa is palpable; Sam knows he should be sorry that they have gone, sorry that Dean was forced to leave them; sorry that Lisa won't answer her phone or let Dean in through the door. Dean drinks and Sam joins him. Neither sleep but only one of them throws up in the morning, only one of them takes a long walk to fetch coffee, only one of them seems to care.
Sam wonders sometimes – as he gazes at the stars – if he will ever get it back and if he even wants it back. This half life is somehow more satisfying than any life he has had before, there is no worry, no fear, no compassion. He doesn't dream of Jess dying on the ceiling, he doesn't have nightmares about his time in the pit. He is the man his dad always wanted him to be, a hunter through and through and a damn good one.
Dean might miss the part of Sam that is gone but he isn't sure that he misses it much at all.
After all – he has always been a monster – only difference this time is that he just doesn't care…
End