Disclaimer: Neither plot nor characters are mine.
Summary: They say in times of anguish, the loneliest place to be is in a room full of people; but sometimes, they are wrong...
Strength in the Family
She is going to cook a stew that lunch time. Lisa normally cooks a roast on a Sunday, but she does not think the family are going to care what they eat. She hates that. She wants them to care and whinge when she gets it wrong. But they're worried about her... and she knows it.
However, the strong minded matriarch is determined to change it. She is not going to allow them to waste their time thinking about her; she is fine – or at least, she is going to be. The family have to at least think she's fine.
She feels more herself though. She is glad she told Zak, so glad! She hates nothing more in the world than secrets between the two of them. She had heard some people say if your partner was also your 'mate' then the romantic aspect of your relationship would die out, but that had not been her experience. She loved her husband then as much, if not more, than the day she had married him. He was also her best friend. The fact he had not questioned her when she had said she had been raped told her he felt the same. The question of whether she was lying hadn't crossed his mind and it was never going to.
That's her solid grounding. That fact alone will carry her through.
He's struggling though; four days on since he had found out and she's seeing it more and more.
She hasn't seen that look of utterly uselessness in his eye since the day they had lost Shadrach; before that when their Sammy had lost Alice; and before that, Butch.
No, theirs is not an easy life; their large, boisterous and exasperating family ensures that. If it isn't one of their messes she is mopping up, it is another's.
And that is why she could not let them worry about her. She is too used to it being the other way around. She, with Zak, is head of the family; mistress of Wishing Well cottage. Most women would turn their nose at it, but not her. She loves her cottage. It is falling down around her half the time, the heating system barely works and the decor leaves much to be desired she knows; but she loves it, because it is home. She doesn't ever want to call another building home. It wasn't perfect to the majority, but it is to her; just like her family.
Belle and Zak might be the only ones she can legitimately lay claim to, but she sees no distinction between them and the others. Nellie may well have preceded her but she is Mrs Dingle and she is mother and aunt to every one of Zak's children, nieces and nephews.
Sammy is her son even if he doesn't call her mum; Samson, bless his heart, does call her 'nana'; Sarah and Noah love her reading stories to her, treating her as their own. Indeed, Sarah doesn't know life without her. Debbie she sees as another daughter, even if she doesn't tell her that enough. Chas and Gennie know they can come to her if they are in trouble and they are her dearest friends. The girls are well and truly under her wing, even if they don't always want to be there. Charity and Cain are laws on to their selves, but she loves them all the same and would do anything for the pair of them, even if they drive her crazy. Marlon is a sweet lad; dopey at times, but still one of her own. And even though he was a useless old drunk, she misses Shadrach and wonders if she could have done anything to help him in his last days.
They belong to her as she does to them. All of them and there wasn't a single one of them she wouldn't do anything for.
Belle comes over to her and offers to lay the table; it's a small sign of her concern, but Lisa sees it. It is not that the girl is not considerate or thoughtful, but every twelve year old has better things to do on a Sunday afternoon than lay the dinner table for their mother. Belle is trying to do little things to help and comfort her, not knowing that being in her mother's eye sight is comfort enough. Lisa accepts though, and a smile spreads over her daughter's face, hopeful that she is indeed helping through her small but practical deeds.
As she puts the finishing touches to the stew, her eyes stray to the sofas where Sam and Samson sit, the father trying to help his son read, struggling himself but persisting anyway. Alice would be proud Lisa thinks wistfully to herself. Sam will always get ten out of ten when it comes to trying with his son. He'll never stop trying to be a good dad.
In the arm chair, sits Sam's own father, under the guise of watching the horse racing which is on the TV. But Zak is not watching it and Lisa is not fooled. His pain is etched into his face, his anger pulsating through him as he tries to keep calm and control of himself. He knows her greatest fear is losing him but he can't stand what Derek has done to... her... to them...
It is not just her he has hurt.
When one Dingle bleeds, they all seem to lose blood. They feel one another's pain. But none seem to feel it such as deeply as she and Zak do.
She wants to cuddle him, tell him it's ok. But he has already lost face, he hasn't protected her. He doesn't want molly coddling. He has to be the one looking after her. And after his pride has taken such a dent, Lisa can't bring herself knock it anymore.
He catches her eye and his face nevertheless softens. His eyes regain focus and he is the kind lover and father she adores as he surveys her cooking and Belle laying the table. For the twenty-first century family, they are nothing if not unconventional and she knows it. But they live by their own code, Dingle law. And if parts of their life appear to outsiders overly patriarchal, so be it. She knows who really put the money in the pot at the end of the week and so does he. She and her husband are partners, one hundred percent.
He opens his mouth to speak to her, but is interrupted by the incoming rabble from the village. The conversation dies before it is born.
Everyone has come for Sunday lunch. Some Sundays they get fifty percent of their family up and at others, they can number just five if it is only the residents of Wishing Well are eating. But even Aaron turns up to show his support for her that Sunday. She suspects Chas has played a part in getting him to come. The young lad rarely shows his face at the family seat, but that day, as he arrives,he kisses her cheek and asks if she's alright. He's worried over her too she realises.
She nods, she is fine! How's Jackson?
Five minutes past as everyone settles and finds a chair. The horse racing has already been switched off as Noah, Sarah and Samson insist their grandfather let them watch Shrek for the fiftieth time. Zak doesn't care, and is so far the quietist member of their family that day.
Everyone is quiet to begin with, but as she hands out the tinnies, brews up for those who want it and fetches some lemonade (as it's a Sunday) for the children, the girls get chatting and laughing. They know it is what she wants and as Debbie, Charity, Chas and Gennie gossip round the table, she allows gossip of inconsequence to distract her. Apparently, Alicia is going on a date with Andy and Marlon has been to yoga that week. He protests loudly at the girls teasing; he only did it for Rhona and the baby! It's good for it!
Well, she didn't know she was having Belle till she had her in her arms, and that didn't make a difference she explains, not that he needs reminding. She probably drank too much unknowingly pregnant, but Belle is as bright as a button she says lovingly as her eyes stray to the distracted little girl who has now taken pride of place on her father's knee.
The remarkable similarities between her husband and daughter in that moment shock her. They are as troubled as each other, neither enjoying the film as Sarah, Samson and Noah are. At least Belle provides Zak with some comfort though she thinks and vice versa. Born so much later than her six siblings, Belle is the child who has got the best out of Zak. He is generally gently, patience and kind with her, and rarely does she have to wait for his attention if she really requires it, as the others had too due to the small gap between their births. She's his little princess (and she knows it). Spoilt, if only by their love, Belle, from the day she was born, has always been the apple of both of their eyes. At that moment as she huddles on Zak lap, he wraps his arms about her as he tries to look after her and shield her as well as work through his own sorrow, but it has trapped him as a jail does its prisoner.
She doesn't have a key to get him out; not yet.
Similarly, like Zak, Cain broods in the corner. His eyes reveal to her his dark thoughts. Cain troubles her. She knows if one of the family were to wind up Zak in to going after Derek its him. She can't and won't lose either of them. She refuses too.
There is not a person in the room she can't read like a book, just as she can Cain. For now, they are all too scared to turn the page to find out what tomorrow will reveal to them.
And so they hide away in there tradition and there homestead, hoping life will soon deal them a kinder hand.
The stew is ready by three, as dinner is always on a Sunday. Assorted plates come out the cupboard as well as a few smaller bowls in order to feed what feels the five thousand. It doesn't matter how much they're served in their first helping. There is plenty more in the pot to go around.
Dishing up the beef stew is a military operation in which she has to dance around Chas and Gennie as they unsuccessfully try to ensure everyone has a drink as well as keep out from under her feet. They can only do one or the other, not that she tells them. Just like Belle, she knows they are only trying to help.
After ten minutes, everyone has a place at the table. Zak struck down her suggestion they eat as and where they were on the sofas to save squeezing round the table. He wants them all to sit at the table with him at the head of it. He wants to feel as if he is protecting them, and if sitting the head of the table does that, she won't argue.
Suddenly, what happened is no longer just about her. It is about the ripples and the effects. And it is effecting them all without exception.
She is seated between her clingy daughter and brooding husband at the table. The family have a quiet moment before they dig in to the stew. Despite their names, none of them are over religious. They spend the moment, not in pray but in hope; and they all hope Derek gets his just desserts for what he has done to their Lisa; their mother hen. She wouldn't hurt a fly. But if any of them could get their hands on him then, they'd teach him the meaning of pain. They'd show him how they all felt right there and then.
Under the table, as if they are teenagers, Lisa squeezes Zak's hand. He winks at her knowingly, and he picks up his fork. It takes the others no time at all to follow his lead.
It doesn't take a lot for the discussion to break the silence either. It's spontaneously shattered in fact! She can hear the girls moaning about their ill luck with men and Chas stating her disbelief that Carl is still swanning about the village as if he owns it. Noah and Samson agree they want to go to the cinema to see Tangled next weekend if only they can find someone to take them. Debbie is telling Sarah, yes, she does have to eat her carrots, while Sam is looking on in annoyance as Charity and Cain exchange insults, thinking they are far enough down the table for her and Zak to not hear.
The family are united though when Marlon comments on the stew; its lovely, high praise indeed coming from him. The others agree. It's lovely, just what they had hoped she was going to make. Even though she can taste it is not up to her own usual standards, even though she knew they were probably looking forward to a roast with all the trimming, she nods at her family's sentiments none the less.
The one whose eats least that meal is Zak. He barely touches it, as he barely touched his fry up that morning. He didn't sleep last night, and nor did he eat the day before.
He's barely functioning and a few worried glances pass around the table that Lisa wasn't meant to see, but sees anyway, tells her that. It isn't just her; the others can see it too. She is exhausted and so is her husband but they need to be there for one another more than anything.
And they both have to be there for Belle.
But as everyone else clears their plates and bowls and in some cases ask for more, he can't manage his first helping. The meal draws to a close and he soon escapes and goes to check on the pigs. They had both agreed to go ahead with Sunday lunch to try to keep things normal. Now, she wonders if they did the right thing.
She goes back to the kitchen side boards with the empties. They are going to keep till everyone goes. For the second time she does a round of drinks with many more of them opted for a brew rather than another can – they all have work in the morning, after all.
Is she going in tomorrow?
She isn't sure yet – probably, but she'll see how things go. It's not as if she can afford a day off. god only knew they needed every penny they could get in the pot. As usual, she is strapped for cash.
She's given Zak enough time to cool off – when she is sure the others aren't watching her every move she grabs her cardigan and opens the door. You can tell February is drawing to a close, for the first signs of spring are coming to Yorkshire. It isn't too cold that day.
She doesn't have to look for Zak, he is standing by the pig pen. Dangerously, Cain apparently gave her the slip and gets to her husband before she got the chance to. She is going to go over to them both, until she sees Zaks shoulders rise and fall to quickly involuntarily. His booming voice insists Cain leave him be, but when his son wraps his arms about him, Zak seems to understand that he can't hold in what he feels anymore and so he sobs in Cain's arm, just as she had done Thursday when she had come clean to him.
She hides in the door way, out of their view, but able to see them from where she stands.
The picture is indeed worth a thousand words and describes to Lisa just how cut up her husband is – but he is more than cut up, he is simply and utterly heartbroken for her. Her own resolve weakens as she hears him bemoans his own conduct to his son.
He should have been there, should have known, should have seen the signs! Why didn't she come to him sooner? Cain doesn't think she feared him, does he? She didn't think he would turn her back on her? Not over this!
No he doesn't, but he does think Lisa's never knew fear like what Derek installed in her before. She probably did damn well to tell him at all. And how could he have known if Lisa was quiet. Derek has disguised himself as a man and a friend – they couldn't see the beast or the rapist.
But due to the fact he seemed to be a friend; he had been in the house! He spent time with Belle and Samson, alone no less! When he thinks now ... what he would like to do to his so called friend – but he can't. Lisa won't allow it; they went to the police Friday! But he can't just do nothing! he has to do something to soothe his own conscience.
Cain nods and tells his father to bid his time. If, and probably when the police fail, then will be the time when the two of them can take the law into their own hands. They have to do things Lisa's way first, it isn't right otherwise. They have to respect what she wants. But if it fails, they then go their own path. Either way, that beast is not going to get away with what he does. He is going suffer.
This thought comfort Zak, his tears dry and he is soon standing as tall as he can again. The burden on his shoulders is just slightly eased and so he can carry it.
She turns and goes into the cottage. What she heard did not comfort her as it did her husband but at least she knows what they are planning. She can remain one step ahead of the pair of them. Happy Feet is now on the TV and taking her own brew; she goes and sits on the arm chair nearest the door, noting how despite Zaks absents, sensitively perhaps, none of the younger members of their family have sat in his chair.
She is settled with Debbie on one side, Marlon on the other and with Samson on her lap by the time Zak has composed himself enough to come back in. Their grandson is tired, all the tell tale signs are there, even down to the fact his hand is a little nearer his mouth even if he has now outgrown sucking his thumb. Lisa is the only mother figure he has and he rests on her as any child would its mother. His eyes remain open though to watch the animation even though he is too tired to get the jokes and isn't concentrating.
Is she ok? Zak checks as he crosses the room, his hand absentmindedly stroking back some of her hair as he stands behind her momentarily. He is not crowding her, but he is checking on her more often than normal. There is a fine line, but he is yet to cross it. She is fine, she nods as she shows him there sleepy grandson earning a small chuckle. Zak kisses her forehead and crosses to his armchair. He is calmer and they can all see it. It reassures the others and just a little, the mood lightens.
As the film ends, everyone who has to walk back to the village takes it as there queue to go. Debbie has got to get Sarah up for school and she doesn't want her to be as moody as 'Grumpy' Cain. Gennie nods, if they're going back, so will she. She wants an early night anyway. Aaron wants to look in on Jackson before he goes back to Mill cottage. Eager no doubt for the latest on her son's love life, Chas goes too and Noah and Charity to have to return to the Sharmas.
In a flurry of kisses she is told she is loved, they are there for her and is there is anything they can do then she only has to ask. They'll see her tomorrow at some point no doubt, even if she does take it easy for the day (which is not a bad idea!). Marlon shuts the door as the last one out that day.
The rabble left as fast as they came in, and Lisa is left with her immediate family, but the day is not over yet – or, at least not all of the them. By half seven the day does end for an exhausted Samson. The baby of the house still, he is carried up to bed by his dad after kissing his nana and granddad and waving goodnight to his auntie. Tomorrow was, after all, a school day and just as Debbie and Charity, she didn't want any trouble getting them off to school in the morning.
She turns to her daughter. Can Belle go and feed the pigs before going off to have a shower, then whatever time she has till nine she has free she can do what she wants with.
Relaxed after the day with her cousins in which her mum seemed to chill out, Belle sighs. Does she have too?
Yes! She does, Zak tells her straight. And if she doesn't do as she is asked, she can go straight to bed after her shower. Belle scuttles off quickly.
Left alone with his wife at last, Zak sighs. He was too stern with his daughter, to quick to come to his wife's defence and he knows it. After twelve years, Lisa can handle Belle just fine and did not need him and his size elevens wading in... It's just...
Lisa knows. He doesn't have to tell her... she kisses his forehead and he surprises her as he pulls her into his lap for a second. She giggles – with the weight of the pair of them on it; he's going to break the chair.
But the two of them fall silent and hold on to each other for a moment. They had survived another day as the heads of their rough and ready family. They were going to be ok as well.
It's his turn to kiss her as she gets up. Won't she just relax?
No, the washing up won't do itself!
Can't she leave it till morning?
He knows she likes a clean house before she turns in.
Well, then what can he do to help?
Keep out from under her feet! It's her routine, and it keeps her sane. He should have a brew or a can and read the paper. She is fine, and she wants him to stop worrying.
He nods, he knows. But his eyes tell her he is not going to for quite some time yet. Not until all this has come to a close, one way or the other.
She turns to the sink. The bowls and plates tower before her as they do every day. She turns on the tap, squirting the washing up liquid in to the bowl. Before she puts her hands in the warm, suddy water, she removes the only piece of jewellery that means a thing to her – her wedding ring. She does not put value on material things and knows she never will. But the ring is precious to her as is what it symbolises. She turns to flick on the kettle. She needs a brew as much as her husband does.
Once two mugs are filled with warm, sweet tea she turns to the task at hand, and in spite of the initial heat of the water, by the time that she has finished the washing up, Lisa hands hurt. She is a working lass and she has working lasses hands. The back of the are red raw from the winter, assaulted by the wind on various freezing mornings when she has to rush everyone out to school and work, having checked they have gloves, all too often she leaves her own on the table. Then there is the endless washing, mucking out and packing of sweet boxes she has to do at work. She can't wait for the summer to heal them.
Summer will warm her through she muses.
After the washing up, she wipes down the table so that it is clean for when the kids come down for breakfast. Zak is on the school run tomorrow with Samson, as Sam is going to have to go up to Home Farm early to mend a fence. He can drop Belle off on the way.
She decides to go to bed early and rise early to get the next clothes wash on. She could do it that evening, but her bed is calling and she wants to go to it. As kind as everyone has been to her, it has drained her having to admit to her family she has been raped. The pain she passes on to them almost hurts her more than Derek did and that admission breaks something in her. But she can cope she thinks as she watches her daughter come down the stairs in her dressing gown, her hair brushed out but wet.
Belle has packed her bag for the morning already, and is going to go up early that night she explains quietly. Can she take a mug of hot chocolate up?
Lisa nods, of course she can. As she turns to get the milk out the cupboards, Belle wraps her arms about her and Lisa knows without looking in to her eyes she is on the verge of tears. Her father's sternness installed guilt in her. She did not mean to cheek her mother or being unhelpful! She's sorry!
Now it is Zak feeling guilty. As Lisa makes the girl a hot chocolate, her father says apologises to her. He didn't mean to snap. He is just – this is an odd situation. He doesn't know how to cope, but if all of them cut one another some slack, things will be easier... for what it's worth, he is sorry to. He genuinely didn't mean to upset her.
By the time the drink it made, Belle is back in her dads arms and the two of them are sharing a joke. Any harsh words are forgotten.
Lisa's exhausted – she's going up. Zak nods – he'll lock up and be right up as well.
Both of them kiss Belle goodnight and she goes off to her room for the evening.
She showers quickly, never being one to enjoy a long shower. Asides from the fact that she doesn't have the time to relax in there, she finds she can't find any peace as she is on her own. She only feels herself when she is with her family sometimes now.
She goes through her bedroom once she has her pyjamas and her dressing gown is on to find Zak already in bed, vest and pyjama bottoms on, as knackered out as she is. It has been a long day, emotionally, yet in spite of it all she enjoyed it. She loves having the kids over, and just for a time she found she was able to forget what she can't when she looks into her husband's sad eyes.
He is desperate even now to step in and save her from Derek. But he can't go back in time – he cannot undo what has been done.
Both of them needs the others comfort, so wordlessly, she gets into bed and lets him wrap his arms about her, loving and kind, so familiar. There are not many Zak's in the world; she wouldn't give hers up for all the tea in china. The kisses that pass between them that night aren't as passionate as usual but they are far more intimate now there are no secrets between them.
She feels safe. He sleeps nearest the door. No one can get to her without going through him and he won't let anyone hurt her.
They say in times of anguish, the loneliest place to be is in a room full of people; but sometimes, they are wrong... that is not her experience. Not that day. Her family are her greatest comfort. And they are always going to be.
The last thing Lisa feels that night is Zaks hand squeeze her own, and she knows Derek will never hurt her again.
Author Note: the sensational performances of Steve Halliwell and Jane Cox this week got me inspired to write this. Zak and Lisa have long been favourite characters of mine and I think the Dingles might just be my favourite fictional family ever (even above the Weasley's!). I have grown up watching them and the rape story line has really got to me. Between this plot and the others, Emmerdale is just on incredible form right now.
I was going to leave this as a one shot but don't think I can leave it here; I think it might turn into a series of one shots until Derek gets what's coming to him.
I hope you enjoyed it :)
Please review!