This hyar is mah ONLY disclaimer!
aH DOESN'T OWN ENNYTHIN' THET AIN'T MINE!
ah doesn't own enny of th' chareeckers, but ah own th' ideas.

Histo'ian's Note: These letters is writ fum Gan'a'f th' Grey t'Legolas Greenleaf jest af'er he "fell" in Mo'ia an' was separeeted fum th' Fellership. Now Gan'a'f is a-gonna find info'mashun on th' Rin' an' is hopin' t'meet back up wif th' ress of th' Compenny...

Translation: These letters are written from Gandalf the Grey to Legolas Greenleaf just after he "fell" in Moria and was separated from the Fellowship. Now Gandalf is going to find information on the Ring and is hoping to meet back up with the rest of the Company... oh yeah, and somehow he transforms into a Redneck...

Th' Lost Letters of Gan'a'f
(Long time, No e'f)

Hey Legolas!

This hyar is Gan'a'f, in case yo've fo'gotten, as enny fool kin plainly see.

Yo' know, thet tall, old guy wif th' trimenjus nose... ah wears th' stoopid hat...

Okay, now thet yo' remember me, fella does ah have noos. While yo've been off polishin' yer bow, fightin' Orcs an' kickin' butt, I've been busy.

Lissen up, ah have fine noos. ah have foun' the...

the... mmm, dawgone it...

the... er...

the... um...

Oh dang, ah fo'got whut ah was a-gonna say...

Hey, stop laughin', e'f fella! We wizards haf smarts in our brains, an' sometimes a bit of it leaks out on account o' we haf so much. Unlike yo' – nothin' between yer ears...

ah have become... (look aroun' so no one's watchin'! Fry mah hide!)

(Is they gone?)

(Is yo' sho'nuff?)

(Is thet yer final answer?)

(Okay, I'll hoof it on...)

ah have become Robin Hood! Fry mah hide! (hehehe less watch thet sad li'l e'f brain try t'unnerstan'...)

Give up yet?

Wal, ah have joined th' Merry Men as their leader! Acshully, when ah was ridin' mah houn'dog through th' woods ah felt off... (Hey! Wizards isn't puffick yo' know! We kin't see ev'ry branch!)

Ennyway, ah fell off. An' ah lan'ed on this hyar dude in green, as enny fool kin plainly see. At fust ah thunk he was t'other wizard, Sumpin-o'-Other th' Green. But then ah noticed he was warin' tights, an' thet thunk went out th' window. No decent wizard'd wears green tights in th' fo'est.

He was polite, though, I'll give him thet...

So, ah lan'ed on him an' he said, "Ouch! Fry mah hide!" (Wal, whut did yo' speck?)

ah said, '"Oh! So'ry, ah didn't see yo' thar. Yo' kind of blended in, as enny fool kin plainly see. Yo' know... all thet green..."

He replied, "Oh, doesn't wo'ry about it. Happens all th' time!"

ah got up, an' he'ped him up. Then ah said, "Hey, is yo' Robin Hood?"

He looked aroun', "Eff'n ah tell yo', I'll hafta kill yo'."

ah looked down on him, he was sho'ter than I, an' said, "ah's a wizard, Mr. Green Tights. ah c'd kill yo' wif a wrinkle of mah nose."

Mr. Green Tights thunk about thet fo' a moment, then he said, "Really? I've nevah met a wizard. Whar's yer wan'? Whar's th' broomstick? Whut in tarnation is yo', some kind of cheap wizard, o' sumpin..."

ah was so mad, ah accidentally wrinkled mah nose. Mr. Green Tights went out like a light.

ah said, 'Oopsy.'

Suddenly a large man scooted out fum behind some bushes, he looked at me, then looked at Mr. Green Tights on th' groun'. Or which was lef' off him, he had so't of been redooced t'a pile of sizzlin', green ashes. Th' large man looked back at me an' ah almost, almost, took a step back. Shet mah mouth! Even wif mah nasal powers, his size was intimidatin'. Eff'n ah hadn't had been a wizard, ah may haf wet mahse'f.

Th' large man said in a deep voice, "Yo' killed Robin Hood! Fry mah hide!"

ah blinked in surprise, 'Oh, so he was Robin Hood then.'

Th' man said, "Thet's right, an' now he's daid!"

ah said, "Oh right, so'ry about thet. ah didn't mean to."

Th' man patted me on th' sh'der, "Thet's okay, his green tights were beginnin' t'creep me out ennyway."

ah axed him, "Whut in tarnation's yer name?"

Th' giant said, "ah's Li'l John-Boy."

ah exclaimed, "Whut in tarnation kind of a name is thet!"

Li'l John-Boy shrugged, "Th' dude in th' tights gave it t'me." ah scratched mah haid, sho'ly Robin Hood was mo'e disturbed then ah had evah imagined. Whut in tarnation kind of lejundary man named a giant, 'Li'l John-Boy.

ah said, "Thet's a lousy name, Li'l John-Boy. No offense."

Li'l John-Boy replied, "None thar taken."

ah finally said, "Wal, Mr. Green Tights is daid, so I'll give yo' a noo name. Hencefo'th, yo' shall now be known as Vertically Gif'ed John-Boy!"

Vertically Gif'ed John-Boy nodded, "Oooh, ah like it!"

He then axed, "Do yer hankerin' t'become our noo leader? Robin's daid by yer nose. Sho'ly yer the dawgoned-est pow'ful bein' t'walk this hyar Middle Earth!"

ah blushed red, 'Oh come off it... Yo' doesn't mean it...'

Vertically Gif'ed John-Boy corntinued, "Yo''d be th' puffick leader, defeatin' Robin witcher nose is a great feat. Besides, ah knows sevahal Merry Men who need yer he'p."

Is yo' impressed, Legolas? In two seconds yo' might kill an Orc. But in two seconds ah replaced Robin Hood, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah even surprise mahse'f!

Wal, ah muss be gwine now!

'Till th' next time! Have a nice day, Squeaky Clean Legolas!

Slightly Greyin' Gan'a'f

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Okay varmints - ah knows this is crazy, but jest wawk wif me! Don't wo'ry, th' next chappers become mo'e... wierd, cuss it all t' tarnation. Don't fo'git t'Review! Fry mah hide!

Note: If this was a bit too much for you, an English translation can be found on my profile. Just click the regular "The Lost Letters of Gandalf" - lol

I don't expect anyone to like these, I just couldn't help myself. Double LOL
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