Disclaimer: The Marvel Cinematic Universe is property of Walt Disney Studios and Marvel Entertainment. This is a parody fanwork by fans for fans. No money was made off of the creation of this fanwork.

Five Hitlers Steve Rogers Punched Out and One He Didn't
by FanficAllergy & RoseFyre

oOo

1. Joe Moretti

When Joe enlisted, he never expected he'd spend the war touring America as part of a USO show. But when you're an Italian kid from the Bronx who bears an unlikely resemblance to the Fuhrer, apparently it's too good of an opportunity to pass up.

Not to mention the girls.

By the time Steve Rogers joined the troop, Joe'd been shot, stabbed, bayoneted, blown up, and knocked out, all in a night's work.

Captain America was greener than Central Park and the girls took to him like butter.

Joe hated him.

Then the dumb kid had to open his mouth. A performer he was not. Whatever asshole thought it'd be a good idea to trot Mr. Freaky Science Experiment out didn't know the first thing about showbiz. The kid was a stiff, and worse, he was from Brooklyn, a fact Joe found out when he tuned in to a game one Saturday.

It was Yankees versus Red Sox.

Stupid punk had the nerve to root for the Sox.

Naturally, Joe got into it with him. Said a few words. Most of them uncomplimentary. Some of them about Steve's mother. But no one dissed the Yankees. Especially not some punk kid from Brooklyn

When the new script came out the next week, Joe saw Steve's fingerprints all over it. He knew it for sure the moment he got to rehearsal. The jerk stumbled through his lines, and when Joe came onstage right on cue, the asshole clocked him.

Yeah, it was in the script, but Joe was damned sure he did it on purpose.

He left the the next day. Damned if he was gonna let some Dodgers fan knock him out every night.

Fuck the Dodgers.

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2. Sal Kowalski

Sal was a White Sox fan. Hated the Yankees.

He and Steve got along great.

Both of them were happy to sit around talking baseball, or growing up in the streets playing stickball. They both sympathized with always being picked last, unless their best friend, the all-star athletic, was the captain.

Sal had asthma. Steve understood. Before those army docs got their hands on him, he'd been scrawny too.

Everything was great.

Unfortunately, there was a small problem. The new routine the director wanted called for Captain America to punch out Hitler at the end of the speech. Most of the time, Steve missed on purpose, hitting Sal on the shoulder or the chest. It worked, so long as nobody saw it.

But one night, the director happened to be seated in just the wrong spot when Steve punched out Hitler with a sissy tap to the chest. That's when the shit hit the fan.

The man was livid. "People aren't gonna spend their money on some Three Stooges bullshit! I want you to hit Sal, Steve. Hit him good! Hit him like you're supposed to! In the face!"

"But I don't want to hurt anybody," Steve protested. "I like Sal."

"I don't care who you like, you both were hired to do a job. When I tell you to hit Hitler in the face, you hit Hitler in the face!"

Steve sighed. "You're the boss."

The next night, in some podunk town in Nebraska, Steve did as the director asked.

Sal was sure Steve pulled his punch, but when he woke up in the hospital three towns over, Sal knew his acting days were done.

It was too bad. He liked Steve.

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3. John Adams

The USO show was John's ticket out of Omaha Nebraska dinner theater. What did Omaha Nebraska dinner theater entail? You really don't want to know. John was an artiste, and his talents were wasted out here in the corn country.

Right away, he knew that this was fate. He'd long felt he was destined for greatness. And underneath that street kid from Brooklyn exterior, Steve Rogers was a diamond in the rough. A diamond with a terrible sense of timing and no concept of blocking. It was as if the theatre gods had brought them together for one purpose. John Adams was going to teach Captain America how to act.

It was his destiny!

The first time they met, Steve gave him a look and said, "John Adams? Like the president?"

"No relation," John said quickly. He'd been asked it so many times it was automatic by now. "The director told me that your stagecraft needs some work. Luckily, my dear boy, you have me."

"Part of the Fairbanks clan, are we?"

"My dear boy, they're amateurs. Let a real professional show you how it's done."

So John did.

Steve was a quick study, and his enhanced reflexes made him surprisingly light on his feet. John had spent years practicing swordplay, fisticuffs, and even gymnastics to hone his craft. He was quite possibly one of the best physical actors in American theater. Not that anyone had discovered him yet, but this was his big break.

The two were never friends, although they had an amicable working relationship. John preferred to spend his downtime polishing his craft or wooing ladies. Professional sports were not for him.

At a performance in San Francisco, Steve was distracted by a letter he'd received in the mail. John didn't know the contents or the sender, all he knew was the result. For the first time since Steve became his student, Captain America forgot to pull his punch.

John Adams quit acting the next day.

After all, it's hard to get a gig when you're missing your front teeth.

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4. Henry Miller

Henry Miller lasted exactly one night. Yeah, he was happy to get a job working the USO show. He was a little dismayed when he found out he'd be playing Hitler, but it was all worth it because of Captain America.

Steve Rogers had a damned fine ass.

And that red, white, and blue uniform he wore showed it off very nicely. How was anyone supposed to keep their hands off of that?

So Henry didn't.

A moment later, he felt Steve's knuckles meet his face, and Henry decided that maybe the army wasn't the right place for him.

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5. Mike Werner

Mike Werner didn't much like Steve Rogers. Kid was a goody goody and all the girls couldn't keep their eyes off of him, which meant nobody was paying attention to Mike. After all, what point is there signing up for a USO show if not to get with the USO girls?

It was a perk of the job.

And it was a perk Steve Rogers was preventing him from enjoying.

Especially the newest girl. Sally Jenkins was her name. She was a sweet piece of ass. They'd picked her up out in some hick town out in Iowa, and she was as green as the corn on her family's farm.

She was perfect. And she was going to be his.

Mike stalked her like a hunter would his prey, figured out her schedule. Unfortunately she never went out alone and even after the shows she went back to the hotel in a group.

That all changed when they reached Los Angeles.

One night after a sold-out performance, the rest of the girls headed out for some drinks while Sally opted to stay in. It was the perfect opportunity. Mike made his move. He grabbed Sally and shoved her up against the wall backstage with his hand over her mouth.

Things were just getting good when he felt a tap on his shoulder. "Go away," he growled. "Can't you see we're busy?"

"I think I'd like to hear that from the lady."

"We're busy!" Mike said in falsetto.

Sally squirmed even harder and he felt a wetness on his fingertips. The stupid chit was crying.

"Yeah, I think the lady's got something to say about that."

He felt himself yanked away from his piece of ass and the damn bitch started bawling. As the story tumbled out, Mike got his first look at the son of a bitch who'd interrupted him.

Fucking goody goody Steve Rogers.

He didn't notice the dangerous glint in the man's blue eyes or the set of his shoulders.

What he did notice was Steve Rogers's fist meeting his face and Sally Jenkins's foot in his groin.

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6. Eli Rosenberg

Eli got a lot of strange looks when people found out a Jew was playing Hitler in the USO show. But the strangest came from the leading man himself, Steve Rogers, who out and out asked him, "Why are you playing Hitler?"

Eli shrugged. "It's a job. And I enjoy the irony."

He could see Steve mulling it over for a moment. Then he smiled. "Steve Rogers," he said. "Pleasure to meet you."

"Eli Rosenberg. Scared to death."

"Why?" Steve blurted out, looking confused.

"Well, the last five Hitlers have all ended up in the hospital because of you. I don't relish being the sixth."

"Would you believe me if I said all but two of them were mistakes?"

"It's the two I worry about. I don't relish being lucky number three."

"Are you planning on insulting my mother or making unwanted advances on one of the girls?"

"I'm happily married, and it's rude to insult anyone's mother."

"Then I think we'll be fine. By the way, do you like baseball?"

"Is the Pope Catholic?"

"What team?" Steve asked warily.

"Dodgers all the way."

"You're a good man, Eli Rosenberg."

It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Steve never actually hit him, although he came close a few times and Eli wondered if the next fake punch would be the one to connect and clean his clock, so to speak. For the next few months, Eli lived in fear that Steve'd send him to the hospital.

Right up until that fateful morning in Italy when Steve turned up AWOL. After the loss of their star, the troupe disbanded and most of the team was sent back stateside.

On the boat home, Eli wondered if Steve was going to punch out the real Hitler. If so, Eli wished him Mazel Tov.

If anyone had the right to sock it to the Fuhrer, it was Captain America.

oOo

AN:
Written: 9/26/15
Revised: 9/26/15

This fic was written after we had to write something pretty difficult, and then edit something equally difficult (though very different). It was written in an hour. Literally.

It was based on a couple of random conversations, including a line from a fic, a story of a Jewish actor playing Hitler, and the question of what it was like to be the guy who was punched out every night by Steve Rogers onstage.

And thus, Joe, Sal, John, Henry, Mike, and Eli came into being.

Hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading!