Do you ever feel like you are being watched? Paranoid? What if you were actually under observation? Read along while one of our guys considers just such a possibility.

Paranoia

Did you ever feel like something was just off? You know, something about even the air around you just feels wrong. I get that feeling sometimes too. It's hard to explain really. Maybe if I tell you a couple of stories, you'll be able to see what I mean.

Let me see, how about this one. My partner Johnny and I were supposed to do duty at this big football game. It was the game of the century. It should have been great, but it turned out to be a real ball buster of a day. I digress; let me get back to the topic.

Anyway, Johnny and I were doing duty at this game. We were called up into the stands for a guy who was hyperventilating. The call came in to us as 'possible heart attack.' So naturally we hauled our entire compliment of gear up who knows how many steps. When we get there, it's crowded. I mean really crowded. The wife of our victim stands and gives up her seat so Johnny and I can examine her husband.

Well, while I'm working on the man, I get this feeling. It's almost like I'm not wearing pants or something. I didn't really have time to turn around and look, but I couldn't get over the feeling someone was checking out my backside. And it wasn't some quick casual glance either. Nope, this felt like a really long inspection. I wish I had a video tape of that five or ten minutes so I could see. But of course there would be no way to see what was happening behind my back without viewing a film of things, and I'm sure there wasn't anyone filming that moment in time. I still to this day feel like that victim's wife was the one doing the looking.

I guess I can understand someone checking us out. I mean, LA County firefighters are in good shape. We have to be to do our jobs. But, sometimes when it's just us at the station, I get that same feeling. It seems like someone is watching us.

Honestly, I'm not paranoid. But I am a sensitive person, and I know when something just isn't right. And I can't help but compare what life at the station is like versus life at home. When I'm at home I don't feel like I'm being watched. JoAnne checks me out, sure. But, I can tell it's her and that feels natural. But at work; it's the oddest thing.

Take for example at night in the dorm at the station. Oh, let me see now…Oh I know, here's one. I guess it was my second year to ride with Johnny. We had a patient die, and I was feeling pretty bad about that. It didn't help that the man's physician had tried to lay the blame on me. I was feeling pretty guilty about the whole situation already. That incident made me seriously question whether I was going to continue working as a paramedic. It's a long story. I spoke with Dr. Brackett finally, and he really helped me make some peace with everything. But that's not the point I am getting to here.

One of those long sleepless nights I remember climbing out of bed to go to the latrine. All I wanted to do was splash my face with water. So, just as I'm crawling out of the covers in my boxers and t-shirt, I get that feeling of being watched again. It felt like someone was giving me a thorough visual going over. And when I say that, you have to know I am talking about a close up inspection, almost like their eyesight had the power to zoom in and pause on specific anatomical points. Honestly, the sensation was so strong it made me self conscious and after that time I wouldn't crawl out of my bunk at the station and traipse around in just my shorts. I always put on bunker pants. Somehow those heavy duty trousers offer a bit more security from….well that feeling.

It's really strange too because these sensations of being under scrutiny are random. I don't always notice them. It'll happen at odd moments, and on odd shifts. Like for example, sometimes when I'm getting dressed in the locker room. It can be just me and Johnny in the room, and he'll have his back to me. But every now and then it feels like someone is checking us out, and now and then it feels like a lot of eyes looking, not just one set. The sensation is odd because it has this timeless quality to it too, almost as if the looking and inspection will extend into infinity. Honestly, it's enough to really make a guy uncomfortable.

Please don't think I'm crazy, or paranoid or something. After all, I consider myself to be a decent looking guy. I like it when ladies check me out. But usually when some gal is giving me the eye, I can turn and see who is making me feel watched. This thing I'm talking about, it's like there are thousands of women checking me out.

Here's one I remember. Me and the guys were pulling this kid out of a wrecked car. The kid had a fractured hip. It seems like Johnny had cut his hand or something and wasn't able to help out. While pulling this kid up on the backboard, I ended up straddling the board. I'm sure the guys who were helping me were getting an eye full, but that doesn't matter. We are firemen, and we get into tight quarters where things are physically demanding. Even if they were looking, the guys would have no interest in ogling my butt. They're guys and we've for sure seen one another's butts before. Yet I couldn't get over the sensation that my backside was being eyed, and by what felt like many pairs of eyes. I just can't imagine where this weird sensation is originating. Maybe I am paranoid.

Now that I think about it though, sometimes at work even in moments where I don't feel physically scrutinized, some days and in some situations it feels like we are all sort of playing to an audience. Isn't that weird? I mean, I'll be sitting in the squad having an ordinary conversation with Johnny and I'll get that feeling like we are being watched. Yet, we are in a moving vehicle. Who is going to be there to watch us? Still….I can't seem to shake these feelings.

I guess now you probably really do think I'm paranoid. But honestly, try as I might I can't seem to shake the sensations. It somehow feels like, well I don't know. It sometimes feels like part of my life is running somewhere all of the time, like a television show that has a life span stretching to infinity and beyond.

Authors Note: Have you ever watched Emergency and found your eyes straying to examine parts of the scene likely not intended to be scrutinized? I must confess; I am guilty. What can I say? These were some very nice looking men. I'd be dead if I wasn't looking.

This little story comes from a discussion I had with a fellow fan fic writer after I happened to notice a place in "Fools" where it seemed clear that our boy Roy was likely one of those men who dress to the left. Scandalous of me to notice those awkward details, or at least that's what I thought at the time. After consulting with my fellow author, I discovered I might not be the only one looking.

I have a story I'm working on, but just didn't want to work on it this afternoon. Yet I wanted to write something. So, here is something. I hope you've enjoyed my flight of fancy.