Title: Her Night Off
Rating: PG-13 for...stuff.
Categories: You think angst, and then it just isn't. Humor/Romance.
Pairing: JDox FTW, yo.
A/N: I really just wanted to do a challenge response, so, you know, sorry for the suck. Response to challenge #8: Just Jordan, over at Scrubs Fic Challenge.
Summary:Oh yes, it's been going on for weeks now, and I've known from the start.

I know they think I'm totally in the dark. I even know why they're hiding it. And I've played along with their little game, because in doing so, it's become my little game, too. Only I'm better at it.

Yeah, wouldn't it be weird if I was like that?

The point is, I can't find Perry, and it is definitely his night with Jack. I am going to spend the night working with the new college boy neighbor on his basketball skills. Meaning we're going to have lots of sex. Yes, I know well enough to leave the ridiculous, poetic, prepubescent metaphors to Perry. He's so good at it, too! The prepubescent part, I mean.

He's ignored my page. Twice. No one in this disease-infested hospital has any idea where he is. Stick, however, babbled and ran away in absolute panic when I asked. Which isn't anything out of the norm, but still always manages to put a smile on my face.

DJ is also 'mysteriously' MIA.

I have let them play their little game, really. Because it makes me giggle a little on the inside. I would show it on the outside, but the last batch of botox was a little more potent than I'd expected. Really though, Perry just never has been the cloak and dagger type when it comes to matters of the dick. In matters of the heart, he's not only got a cloak and dagger, but also an oozie and a basket of grenades. And then he says something girly about watching me sleep. Ew.

It's entirely too entertaining to see him squirm around when we talk anymore, and I know damn well where Jack got his guilty face from. DJ on the other hand, I always enjoy tormenting, and have high hopes to make him burst into tears over this before the night is through.

First though, I need to find them. 'Them,' I say, yes. Because they're hiding somewhere. Screwing.

Or, you know, at least fooling around.

Oh yes, it's been going on for weeks now, and I've known from the start. Perry, girl that he is, hasn't had the balls to tell me like a man, and DJ just knows better than to get involved. And fine, I've let it go on like this, I've hidden my knowledge. But, damn it, I haven't been training Perry for over nine years to be my best bitch, only to have him ignore my pages! It just isn't gonna fly. So the jig's up tonight, I guess.

They're not in the on-call room. None of the restrooms, either. Hey, would you look there? Nervous Guy actually is, well...a guy! I'll have send him a congratulations card.

I wish I could move my face; I'd really like to let out an evil laugh here. Damn it.

That leaves the supply closets. First floor? No. Second floor? No. Third floor?

Bingo.

They're actually pretty much totally failing at the whole "hiding" thing, since I can hear the girly, high-pitched noises from a yard away. Definitely them.

The area is unsurprisingly deserted, and please just imagine me smirking as I stand in front of the closet door, since I can't do it myself. Something in the closet clatters to the ground. There's a thump. Another breathy girl-sound. I can already taste the joy of catching Perry in his little 'hidden' act. Deep breath, palm on the handle…

And I pull.

"Eeee!"

"What the hell do you-- Jordan!"

Ah, exactly how I'd imagined it. Identical deer-in-headlight looks. Bruised mouths, dark eyes, and, oh yes, yes, DJ's hand shoved ever so elegantly down the front of Perry's scrubs. Hah.

"Sorry to interrupt this little fruit-fest, Per-Per, but you weren't answering my pages, and isn't it just so lucky that I can recognize those girly little moans of yours from miles away? Which is how far away I could hear them, Perry, because really, an octave like that carries a lot farther than you'd expect."

Perry flushes deeply, and makes his irritated growly-noise. DJ actually lets out a snort of knowing laughter, his hand still inside Perry's pants.

Oh yes, fact of the matter is, even if Sally Sensitive's the one being called the girl names in this...relationship, Perry is definitely the actual girl.

"I...Jordan, look," Perry says, and DJ makes his puckered 'oh my God, someone here is going to hit me in the face' expression, and pulls completely away from Perry, and now they're both blushing. I say again: Hah. "I can..."

"Explain, Perry? How can you explain this away? I've caught you in the act, I've found you with your little toy here, and even your longest, angriest rant isn't going to make this seem like anything other than the pathetic little groping session it is. And nothing's going to make this better, Perry. Nothing's going to fix how you've lied to me. How you've hurt me."

DJ looks positively wibbly, and even Perry has a lost, angst-ridden expression on his face. Oh, I do love my life.

The eye roll comes a little earlier than I meant it to, but really. "Oh please. But wouldn't it be weird if I was like that? Perry, get over yourself! We've been done for three months, and really, did you actually expect me not to notice the little moony eyes you keep throwing at DJ here, every time he so much as touches his feminine little head of gelled up hair? Did you actually think you'd hurt my feelings by finally getting it over with and settling in to play house with your lapdog? Oh, how embarrassing for you!"

"I told you," DJ whispers over to Perry. "She's a demon and she has no soul."

Perry lets out another pathetic growl, and gets his googly eyes on, straightening himself up. "Well excuse me, there, Jordaroonie, but I guess, golly gee, I--"

"You are a girl, Perry." They both stare at me. "Say it." His mouth opens, but not in the defeated way. "Ah, ah! Go on, save us all some time, and say it!"

Perry grits his teeth, whimpers, and sighs. Victory. "I'm a girl."

So totally my bitch.

I nod. "Exactly. Now, it's your night with Jack, while it's my night to sex up a little boy toy of my own, okay? So please save this little grope-fest for some time when it won't permanently burn out Jack-Jack's retinas, and come get him before you make me angry." DJ smirks at the phrase 'boy toy'. Hmmm. I stare at them both for another second, and then turn and begin my red carpet walk away. But stop. "And please don't expect me to tell you two 'congratulations' or anything, okay? Because, for God's sake, everyone knew it was going to happen eventually, and of course it's a good fit, so don't make me waste my valuable spa time on it, alright?" And I see in Perry's eyes that he did hear the complement in there. DJ's gape means he probably did too, so I'm slipping. Damn. "Now hurry the hell up, you effeminate little boys!"

And I make my exit, grinning (on the inside, on the inside.), as DJ's voice trickles into my ear. "Holy shit, Perry, did she just say something nice to us? And her face never even moved."

fin.

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