Avengers: Operation Mary-Sue
Disclaimer: I own nothing (unfortunately). All rights and characters in this fic belong to Marvel, Disney, and other respective owners and creators. I gain no profit from this. It's purely for fun.
Note: This is a parody/humour fic, writing as a birthday present for my friend and fellow writer, BrenRome.
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Everything going on inside the floating fortress of stealth and technology known as the S.H.I.E.L.D Heli-Carrier was pure chaos, and not the small-scale someone didn't put sugar in the coffee chaos. It was more like the impending disaster that could threaten the entire universe chaos…which happens about twice a week on some bad occasions. Agents running about everywhere, shouting orders and commands to each other as the alarm sounded throughout all the corridors.
As the agents and soldiers passed by each other, out of the red, white and blue painted doors came the First Avenger himself, suited up and ready…Captain America. Looking left and right to see the agents passing by, it was like trying to cross the road in the middle of a Formula 1 racetrack. Knowing that something big was up, he ran back into his room and pressed the secret button, opening up his wall to reveal his trusted indestructible shield.
It wasn't long before he took off down the corridors to head for the main control room to see what is up. As he got closer, he was joined in the sprint to the control room with his two other teammates, Hawkeye and Black Widow there too.
''You know what's going on?'' She asked Steve, as they got closer to the door.
''Not yet, but something this big can't be good.'' He replied.
''Whatever it is,'' Hawkeye muttered. ''It better be important, I was busy polishing my arrow's shaft!'' Just hearing that caused Steve and Widow to stop in their tracks and give Hawkeye the look. ''Why does everyone look at me like that? You know what I mean! I'm the one with the bow and arrows, you know what I mean by shaft!''
Just then another voice called out from behind. ''No wonder you and Natasha haven't got together yet!'' It was none other than the genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist himself…Tony Stark. ''So, are we going to the not-so-secret meeting, or are we waiting for the limo to drive us across the last ten feet to the door? Because I have plenty of those in a couple of my apartments!''
Ignoring his attempts at showing off his wealth…again. They burst past the doors leading into the main room of the Heli-Carrier. Nick Fury was standing at the highest point in the room as usual with Agent Coulson by his side, while Thor and Bruce Banner were already waiting for them. Once the others had found their seats, Fury finally addressed the team. ''What took you motherf*****s so long?''
Everyone was puzzled as that vulgar word from Fury seemed to have been censored by a loud beeping noise that echoed across the room. They searched for the source before Fury raised his hand. ''We're doing repairs. If you hear that again, ignore it. Now, I'll repeat my question. What took you mother*****s so long?''
Tony raised his arm and answered. ''Barton was polishing his shaft!''
''You know what I mean…'' Hawkeye shouted back at Tony, however before an argument between them could start, Fury put it to a halt.
''Will you motherf*****s listen to what I have to say. We have a code red emergency.''
The Avengers looked at each other knowing that anything using the nickname code red was big news, worldwide destruction big news. They haven't had one of those since Loki's attempts and conquering our world by blowing it up with his army of aliens. There was that time that a Lizardman was going to release a chemical weapon across New York City, but they let Spider-Man deal with that.
Bruce Banner then raised his hand to get Fury's attention. ''Question, when we say code red, what kind of red are we talking about? Light red? Dark red? Cause there are a few different types of red.''
''Motherf*****, don't make me angry, you won't like me when I'm angry!'' Fury replied to the bashful scientist before looking around at the group again. ''It seems our old friend Loki is back to mischief again!'' He then stared accusingly at the Norse God Thor.
''Thy brother is the God of Mischief, this was to be expected.'' He said back.
''And what did your father do to your brother when you returned to Asgard, motherf*****?''
Thor was hesitant to answer that question, but with everyone staring at him he had to eventually. ''Father ground him and sent him to his room.''
Now knowing what they were dealing with, Widow called out to Fury. ''So we are to deal with Loki once more then?''
Tony clapped his hands and got up from his chair. ''Right, okay then, the mission is now in our heads. We know what to do. If all goes to plan and we grab a bite to eat at the Shawarmas first, we should be done by the afternoon. See I have an important business meeting and I don't want to be late for that, even though I am going to be late, but for other reasons than to help Thor spank his naughty little brother.''
The Norse God shot a look at Tony. ''I do not spank my younger brother.''
''You should see what our new fans get up to when they have a pen, paper and vulgar imagination. Anyone needs me, I'll be suiting up!'' He said before heading for the door. Before he got to it though, the doors automatically closed in front of him.
''Hold your horses, mother*****! There's another matter we are going to discuss!'' Fury said.
Tony instantly turned around. ''If it's about to those new computers I hacked and downloaded the video of Natasha strip dancing at my birthday bash on, then I deeply apologise, and will pay compensation to any agents whose kids saw any of it!'' Getting that out of his system, he was greeted by the sight of priceless faces from everyone in the room, most of all from Fury and Widow, who looked ready to explode with rage Hulk style. ''Right, so I'm guessing from everyone's shocked expressions those videos didn't make it through and weren't seen…carry on.''
Doing his best to get past what Tony had admitted to, Fury walked down a large flight of stairs with Coulson right behind. ''Because of global threats increasing, I allowed my scientists to begin work on a new project. To create a new teammate for you motherf*****s!''
''What?'' The Avengers all gasped in shock.
Steve rose to his feet. ''Why weren't we informed about this? I thought we agreed to be more clear about things, sir.''
''Exactly,'' Tony continued with Steve's point. ''Especially after the whole secretly building weapons, secretly bringing us together, secretly keeping the TV for yourself, and secretly revealing that Coulson never died.''
''Oh, I was dead, Mr Stark,'' Coulson replied in his usual friendly way. ''But I'm just as surprised as anyone that Hulk can restart someone's heart with a roar. Though it seems more logical that it would have worked on me, considering out of the two of us I have a biological heart.''
''You hear that?'' Tony pointed an accusing finger at Coulson and looking around at everyone. ''Agent here just used sarcasm on me!''
''Will you motherf*****s listen?'' Fury snapped at them, causing all of them to fall into silence. ''Now allow me to introduce the newest member to your team!''
Fury and Coulson stepped aside as someone strolled out of a secret room from behind and emerged into the main room for everyone to see, and what a sight she was. Beautiful snow-white skin, with a perfect face that consisted of rosy red lips. Eyes that constantly changed eye colour with every second, and long silver locks of hair that reached down to her shoulders. She was lean and well toned. This was something that everyone could agree on, especially when they considered her attire. ''Why is she naked?'' Thor asked.
''Well…'' Coulson started. ''Every time we tell a member of S.H.I.E.L.D to fetch her some clothes, they hand in their resignation and take a picture of her before leaving.''
''Greetings Avengers,'' The new member of the Avengers spoke, her voice flowing like crystal clear water from her tongue. ''My name is Mary August Ricardo Yuri Stephanie Umar Elizabethnamathon. My powers consist of the ability to use all known and unknown powers.''
In that short space of time to introduce herself, Tony had combed his hair and was now wearing his best suit. ''Well I think being the founding and most impressive member of the team, I should have the pleasure of greeting our new team player,'' He approached her and held out his hand for her to take. ''I'm Anthony Stark, you may call me Tony, but soon you'll be addressing me as Oh.''
''Mr Stark, I am programmed with the ability to bypass your charms as well,'' Mary told him firmly.
Having nothing but a blank stare for a few seconds, Tony then turned to Fury. ''I see you made her a lesbian. Well done, pride to superheroes, good job.''
Mary spoke again before Fury could. ''Mr Stark, I can assure you I have no sexual preferences. I am open to all things.''
''I've also just realised your initials would be Mary Sue…what is it with long names and initials with this place?''
Ignoring Tony's statement, Fury barked at the group. ''Enough is enough. I've had it with you motherf***ing heroes, on my motherf***ing Heli-Carrier. Go stop Loki now.''
Tony narrowed his eyes and pointed a finger towards the ceiling. ''Are you sure you don't have someone in maintenance trolling you? Because the timing of that beep is very precise.''
Rising from his seat, Captain America addressed the group. ''Loki may be strong, but so are we. We beat him last, and we can do so again. Because we're a team! We may come from different worlds…for some of us literally different worlds. But we're all heroes looking out to protect and save people. As long as we have loyalty, trust and the American way on our side, we can never be beaten. That's the one thing we have that Loki will never…''
''Steve, they already left.'' Coulson interrupted Steve during his speech.
The super soldier looked around to find himself alone in the main room, except for Fury and Coulson who waited for his reaction. ''I know they left…I told them too!'' He quickly got out before heading off himself.
The streets of New York City was in utter chaos, imagine the Heli-Carrier earlier, only this is with a thousand more people in a large street with buildings burning down and the green and gold cloaked Loki walking behind. Magical staff back in his hand as he let out energy blasts from it that destroys entire buildings in a single hit.
He basked in the chaos and glory at seeing people millions of times weaker than him running for their lives. ''That's right. Flee. Cower away with your pitiful and meaningless lives. I am a God, and I will reign above all with my mighty…'' His speech was cut short as he felt something grab onto his leg. Noticing a large green hand holding on, he dreaded to turn and see the face of the Incredible Hulk give him a menacing smile. ''Not again.'' The God whimpered.
Just as before, the monster proceeded with the Hulk smash, tossing Loki around and slamming him hard into the ground multiple times. Hulk took great pleasure in massacring the God like a girl throwing about her Barbie doll because she was fed up. After a few more powerful impacts, Hulk then threw Loki right into a nearby building, leaving the God trapped in the rubble.
The other Avengers soon arrived, taking a stance by the Hulk as Loki crawled back up and faced down all of them. ''You all think you can stop me? You are all fools, all beneath me. I am more powerful than ever now, with my might staff!''
There was no response from any of the Avengers at Loki's claim and this frustrated Hawkeye. ''How come no one laughs at him when he says it?''
''He said staff, shaft-boy!'' Iron Man replied.
''The length of an arrow is called a shaft!'' Hawkeye yelled back.
''Can we focus please?'' Black Widow told the guys. ''Let's get this over with and…'' She was cut off as Mary stood before the group and advanced on Loki alone. She was now dressed in a sleek, shiny silver costume, however, her Goddess face was out for all to see.
The God of Mischief merely smirked at this new opponent. ''And what do we have here? Another mulling quim who dares face me?''
Two steps away from Loki before stopping suddenly, Mary didn't look as if she was ready for a fight. No weapons, and no sign of any of her powers. Loki was ready to fire another blast at her before she spoke quietly to him. ''Please stop this madness. It's wrong. You don't have to do this to prove anything. You are so much more and good.
Immediately, Loki's face softened and he lowered his weapon. ''You are right. What I have been doing is wrong! My ice-cold heart has warmed, and it's thanks to you, my dear. Thank you!''
Despite all the destruction that had happened a moment ago, it was utter silence now as the Avengers just looked out dumbstruck at what just happened. And Iron Man spoke out what all the others were thinking. ''I'm sorry, what?''
It was like this time and time again for the Avengers from then on. Mary saved every catastrophe that threatened the fate of the world and its people constantly, with a minimal effort and no involvement of the other Avengers. Thanos was defeated, even with the Infinity Gauntlet by his side. In fact, Mary countered that fight while wearing mittens.
The Krull Empire was no match for Mary as she tore them apart in seven minutes, the first six of those consisted of the Krull saying how they would enslave the human race.
Galactus was stopped, Apocalypse was beaten, the spider symbiotes were neutralized, there wasn't a single enemy that lasted long once Mary had come across them. She quickly rose to become the top S.H.I.E.L.D agent, was an honorary member of the X-Men, General Thunderbolt Ross's army, and received every other mention and medal there was to offer. Even a man named Stan Lee came by and asked her for her autograph.
As for the rest of the Avengers, boredom was now as common as Tony talking. There were no enemies to vanquish or evil to prevent, Mary had pretty much everything covered with no trouble at all. While Fury and the rest of S.H.I.E.L.D showered nothing but praise for the newest member, the other Avengers weren't so keen on their teammate.
''I have never been so humiliated in my possible immortal life!'' Thor mumbled as he and the other Avengers sat around in the main room, trying to do whatever it took to keep themselves entertained.
Steve walked over and patted him on the shoulder. ''It could have been worse.''
''How so?'' Thor questioned angrily. ''She purifies my brother's dark heart in an instant, while I couldn't. I travelled worlds to help him! In Asgard, they have removed the statues of my ancestors for one of her…bare as we first saw her.''
''Yeah, that reminds me,'' Tony muttered. ''We still need to book planes to Asgard to make sure that statue is in the proper condition.''
''Tony…'' Steve sighed.
''Not for that reason!'' Tony then quickly defended himself. ''I want to blow it up! She waltzes into my company, and ten minutes later profits are higher than ever before. My weapons are disabled and no more wars have broken out. She builds herself an Iron Man suit like she even needs one…oh, and she proved my theory about her being a lesbian!''
''How so?'' Bruce asked.
''Cause she and Pepper were smooching in her office! Not Pepper's, Mary's! They gave her an office in my building and I didn't know about it. That's like building another kitchen in the house without your flatmate knowing about it.''
It was getting increasingly difficult for Steve to calm everyone down. ''Look she might be better at some stuff then we are…''
''Better?'' Hawkeye yelled sarcastically. ''She's perfect. She's beaten all my records in our archery practice sessions. She's solved gamma radiation before the brainy Jack in the box here,'' He gestured towards Bruce who looked ready to explode with angry just thinking of her. ''She's beaten Natasha in every martial art there is to now. And, oh, and does anyone know where Agents Coulson is?''
Everyone in the group shook their head, except for Black Widow, who answered her old friend's question. ''He ran off with Mary and Maria Hill and they all got married to each other, they now have three kids and are happily together.''
''There!'' Tony called out. ''Lesbian theory again!''
''She ran off with Coulson too!'' Steve pointed out.
''Yeah, but still'' He paused and furrowed his brows. ''Hold on…three kids? She's only been here a week how does that…''
''Hold it!'' Steve shouted out for them to stop their rambling. ''I know that Mary has been making it harder for us to play our part lately. But she's helping the world. She's saving loads of people. She's a hero, and we shouldn't judge her just because she can do stuff we wish we could do or at least do better but still it…hey, has anyone seen my shield?''
There was awkwardness among the others in the room that gave Steve the feeling he wasn't going to like the answer. Needing to break the tension, Tony stepped forward. ''Well see…there was this charity event, and Mary thought it would be a good idea to…um do a show…and…well, now your indestructible shield is now…'' He reached behind his back and took out what was left of the Captain's great shield. ''The indestructible origami!''
Taking thevibranium origami, Steve studied and mourned for it. Doing nothing but holding it in his hand and whispering some prays, he eventually looked up at the others. ''Mary has to die, tonight!''
The Next Day…
''Can you motherf*****s hurry up! I want Dark Knight Rises downloaded by tonight, or someone's ass is about to be acquainted with my boot!'' Fury's voice echoed throughout the room as he ordered his agents working furiously on their computers.
Some of the agents mumbled a few harsh words to each other about their leader, words that could sound like they would come out of Fury's own mouth. Just then, Mary stepped in and walked over to where Fury was. ''Sir, I have to talk with you.''
''What do you want, motherf*****?''
''I am here to hand in my resignation!'' She said calmly.
Fury had the opposite emotion. His one eye looking ready to bulge and explode, while his eye patch looked ready to catch on fire. ''It seems that I have been unfair to my teammates. I am always looking to help others, and I want to help the Avengers by giving them their old positions as protectors of the world back. Believe it or not, it's not easy being perfect. Having people love you for no reason other than divine intervention by a God writing our story in the sky is no way to live. I just want to have a normal life now with my husband and wife and children. It was a pleasure working with you!''
With that said, she turned to leave, still leaving a flabbergasted Nick Fury behind. All the agents in the room meanwhile were gobsmacked by what they were seeing, in fact, the only ones in the room that weren't shocked by what they were seeing had huge grins on all their faces…Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Hawkeye, Black Widow, and Hulk. As Mary passed by, the Cap nodded at her. ''Nice that we could come to an agreement.''
''Same here, and as promised…'' Mary then reached behind her and pulled out a newer and shinier version of his old shield. And judging from his little squeal and him hugging his shield as if it was his own mother, he was happy to have his shield back. ''Thank you, I had fun!'' Mary said one last time before leaving.
''She nice!'' Hulk said. ''But she still make Hulk angry!''
''Everything makes you angry!'' Thor mumbled to Hulk.
In response, Hulk roared right in Thor's face, making the God's golden locks flows in the wind of the monster's breath and saliva.
After what seemed like forever, Fury finally addressed the Avengers. ''You motherf*****s got her to resign?''
''Yeah,'' Iron Man answered as the group walked around the base. ''We thought about killing her. So we fought with her last night, but going up against someone with infinite powers wasn't the best idea on stars and stripes' part. So we got around to talking and said how obsolete we felt, she sympathised with us. Not the most epic way to get employment, but effective. So you got us back for keeps chief!''
If you thought Bruce was bad when he got mad, it was a nightmare seeing the look on Fury's face. ''Motherf*****s!''
The End!
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