Mystery In Space
In the far reaches of outer space, a small, yellow taxi cab adorned with fins and boasting a retro rocket booster engine cruised silently through the void. From a distance it looked like a goldfish swimming lazily through inky water, but inside the cab, it was very clear to its three passengers that they were travelling at light speeds.
Sitting at the steering wheel of the vehicle was a handsome, square-jawed man in his early to mid-thirties with brown eyes and hair, who was wearing a green windbreaker jacket over a crisp, white collared shirt and black bowtie. On his head was a green cap with a patent leather brim and the word TAXI written across the crown. All in all he looked like a 1950's milkman, complete with Norman Rockwell smile which he wore on his face as he piloted the cab through deep space as casually as one would drive on a freeway.
In the backseat of the cab, his two fares were far less happy, not being as used to space travel as he obviously was. One of them was a curvy, pale woman with long, dark hair in a sort of punk rock beehive hairdo. Her makeup was both extreme and seductive, and the long, black dress she barely fit into was cut in just such a way as to perfectly showcase her shapely legs and her ample cleavage. Sitting next to her was a man who was clearly much older than she was. He was thin and wiry with brown hair that stuck up into points making it look like he had horns. He had sharp features including a pointy, well-trimmed beard and a long pointy nose where his small, round glasses rested. He was wearing, what for him was, a tasteful outfit; gray slacks, a paisley, button down shirt, and brown suspenders. Both of them had a look of nausea on their faces from the dizzying speed.
"Gee, thanks for the swell evening, Cain. You still know how to show a girl a crummy time," said the woman, whose name was Elvira, as she held tightly to the handlebar on the ceiling of the cab.
"You know, you've done nothing but complain all evening. You're the most difficult person in the galaxy to please," the man called Cain shot back.
"No, I just have standards," said Elvira. "And that restaurant you took me to on Xenix 5 was about one step above a gas station bathroom."
"I'll have you know that on many planets and in many alternate dimensions Pamilian pig vomit is considered a delicacy," said Cain.
"I'm sure you're a connoisseur," said Elvira, rolling her eyes.
"And here I try to do something nice," Cain said, mostly to himself. "I try to bury the hatchet with you. I try to erase the bad blood between us and take you on this wonderful outing to the not-too-distant-future and this is the thanks I get."
"Well, next time just leave the hatchet and the blood where they are, okay?" quipped Elvira.
Just then, the cab suddenly bounced and shuttered as if it had hit a space pothole. It caused Cain to bang his head hard against the ceiling.
"I told you to wear your seatbelt," said Elvira.
Cain ignored her and leaned forward to talk to the driver.
"Hey, cabbie, what was that all about?" he demanded, rubbing his head.
"Space Cabbie," said the driver, raising his finger for emphasis. "And that was just a little turbulence."
"Turbulence?" growled Cain. "We're in space, man!"
"Just sit back and relax, bub. Ol' Space Cabbie will get you where you need to go, no problem."
Cain did sit back, but he didn't relax.
"This guy doesn't know what he's doing," he said to Elvira.
"Speaking of where we're going," she said. "where are we going now?"
"Somewhere you might actually enjoy," said Cain. "An alien burlesque show."
Elvira perked up slightly.
"That does actually sound like fun," she said excitedly.
Just then the cab swerved sharply and tilted to one side causing Elvira to be thrown into Cain's lap.
"Whoops, rogue meteor," said Space Cabbie with a chuckle, as he righted the craft.
"'Whoops', he says," howled Cain, as he and Elvira fumbled to untangle themselves from each other. "Is it too much to ask that you keep this heep flying straight, driver?" he yelled up to the front.
Space Cabbie turned around slowly and his face had lost its boyish charm. He was now deadly serious.
"Say whatever you want about me, buddy, but don't ever insult this taxi again," he said.
An evil smile spread across Cain's face.
"This taxi...," he said slowly. "Is one of the worst, most dilapidated pieces of space trash I've ever seen this side of the Milky Way. It's worse than Skylab!"
Space Cabbie slammed his foot down on the brake bringing the taxi to a screeching halt... somehow.
"Nobody, but nobody calls my cab 'Skylab'!" he shouted. "Geeet out!" He said, pointing his thumb towards the door.
"What do you mean 'get out'? We're in the middle of outer space," said Elvira.
Space Cabbie reached over to the passenger side floor and grabbed two round space helmets with oxygen tanks attached to them via hoses. He tossed them into the back seat.
"Take those and head to that satellite. Maybe they can help you out," he said, pointing again.
Cain and Elvira both looked out the window in the direction Space Cabbie indicated and saw what looked like a large dog bone floating about a mile away from the taxi.
"Now just a minute-," Elvira began to protest, but Cain, who had happily put on his space gear, grabbed her helmet and popped it on her head, then took her by the elbow.
"Come on," he said. "We don't need this clown."
He opened the door and the two of them floated out of the taxi, which promptly sped off with a futuristic boop boop boop sound, leaving Cain and Elvira to watch as it quickly disappeared from sight.
"Oh, this is just great," said Elvira, her voice echoing within her helmet. "Always making friends and influencing people, eh, Cain?"
"Nevermind that," said Cain. "Just start moving."
He began to kick his legs and flap his arms as if he was swimming and Elvira had no choice but to do the same. The two of them took off, slowly, in the direction of the bone shaped satellite, which, as it turned out, was much further away than it had first appeared. After about an hour of swimming through space Cain and Elvira finally reached an outside hatch.
"So what are we supposed to do now, knock?" asked Elvira. "How do we even know anyone is aboard this thing?"
Cain looked at her for a moment and she looked back. He realized she was right, but couldn't think of anything better, so after a moment of staring he did just what she said and knocked. To the surprise of both of them, the hatch opened. Cain and Elvira exchanged shrugs and then went inside into a small anti-chamber. The hatch closed behind them and they could feel the room they were now in depressurize. Then a second hatch opened, covering the two of them in artificial light from the inside of the satellite. The two castaways looked at the door, not knowing what to expect next, and saw a middle aged man with thin brown hair standing there framed in the hexagonal doorway. He was wearing a red jumpsuit with the word Gizmonics on one of the pockets and he had a sleepy expression on his face.
"Hey, folks, welcome to the Satellite of Love," he said.