Disclaimer: Unfortunately I don't own Arrow or any of the characters, they all belong to the CW & DC.
A/N: All mistakes are mine and mine alone, Special thanks to my wonderful beta honorthedeadbyfighting
This fic was inspired by the GQ video of Ryan Reynolds Trying to Build an IKEA Crib. (video below). Just a note that I shamelessly stole the phone conversation from the video because it was perfect and I couldn't come up with anything better.
What's Swedish For F….
"What's Swedish for Frack?" Oliver mumbled to himself as he sat on the floor, helplessly looking at mess in front of him. He'd wanted to surprise Felicity by setting up the crib that they'd bought yesterday, but it looked like she was going to be more surprised by the explosion of boxes and shiny metal objects in the living room instead.
How hard was it to put a simple crib together? He had the four main pieces - front, back, left and right, the base, and a bunch of screws, nuts, bolts and other contraptions he'd never seen before. Where did all this go? How could something so simple have so many pieces?
Oliver sighed, then got up and wandered over to the fridge. It wasn't even 2pm yet but he needed a beer, or two (or three!) right now. Desperate times called for desperate measures. He'd been at this for the last two hours and he was almost ready to give up. Why did Felicity have to insist on buying the crib from IKEA?
"Might as well give this another try." he said to himself. He wandered back into the living room, a bottle of beer in each hand. He had a feeling he was going to need more than just two.
Half an hour and 3 beers later, Oliver was fed up. He picked up his phone, looked up the number for IKEA customer service and dialed.. "Hi there, I'm calling about your Hensvik baby crib."
"Is there a problem with the crib, sir?" The professional, disinterested voice on the other end of the phone inquired..
"Oh no, no problem...yet. I think the biggest issue I'm having with it at the moment is that it didn't come assembled. There's an enormous amount of hardware that's come with the unit and I'm gonna be honest, I'm having a really hard time putting this thing together." He listened patiently as the representative asked him what he was having trouble with exactly. "Well besides the slow descent into alcoholism, I'm just really having trouble finding all the screws and pieces that go with it. I mean there's gotta be over a hundred thousand pieces that came with it so I was just wondering if there's a representative, or five, that can maybe come by and make this happen for me?"
"I'm sorry sir but IKEA doesn't offer assembly services or do house calls. Have a good day." the voice said cheerily.
"A good day to you too. Thank you." For nothing, he thought to himself, and threw the phone to the other side of the couch, "Assholes." He took a swig of the beer sitting beside him on the floor, wondering what to do now and who he could call to help him. Maybe he could call Digg. His daughter was a baby not that long ago, and he would have had to put her crib together, even if it was years ago. At the very least, Digg would know a bit more than he did in this area. .
Oliver reached over to where he had thrown his phone, picking it up, and hastily dialed Diggle's number..
"Hey man, what's up?" came Diggle's voice from the other end.
"Hi, Digg, I need your help assembling this damn crib. Is there any way you can come over now and help me put it together?" Oliver begged. "Please. We're brothers. Help a man out"
"You know Oliver, some of us need to work for a living and don't have a sugar mama to take care of us. I can't just leave work whenever I want."
Oliver rolled his eyes, "She is not….never mind. You know Felicity will let you leave early if you ask. Just tell her that I needed you for an Arrow-related emergency."
"I'm not going to lie to my boss. And if I tell her that, she's gonna want to come along too. But I'll see what I can do."
"Fine, just don't tell her why I need you here, I want to surprise her. And bring some beer with you, trust me, we're gonna need it and I'm all out."
A few hours later Diggle and Oliver had given up. Along with the boxes and crib pieces that were already there when Diggle arrived, the living room was now littered with empty beer bottles. Both were sitting on the floor, backs to the couch, drunk and annoyed.
"How can something so simple be so complicated?" Diggle asked.
"Wait, didn't you put Sara's crib together?"
"No, man." Diggle laughed, "Lyla's mother shipped it over, it was a family heirloom. Thank god I didn't have to go through all this."
"Maybe I should just tell Felicity it was defective and buy another one from a place where they sell them fully assembled. Or at least somewhere where they assemble them for you."
"I don't think she'd fall for it, man."
Oliver sighed, "If only there was a simpler way to put this...this...contraption together."
"We could always use duct tape." Diggle joked.
Oliver stared at Diggle for a few seconds, contemplating what his friend had just said and jumped up, "John, you're a genius!" he said running to where they kept the duct tape.
"Oliver, I was kidding." Diggle yelled at Oliver's retreating back.
Oliver stood back admiring his handiwork. He'd duct taped all the pieces together. First the corners, from both the top and bottom and then he put a few rounds of duct tape around the base to make sure it would stay secure. "See, I told you it would work." he said with a hint of pride in his voice.
"I don't think that thing is safe Oliver. It's going to fall apart the second you put the mattress inside. Those things can be pretty heavy."
"Mattress?" asked Oliver
Diggle quirked an eyebrow, "You don't expect the baby to sleep in a crib without a mattress do you?"
"Frack. How did we forget something so important?"
"You're starting to sound exactly like her, you know." Diggle laughed.
Oliver walked over to the couch and took two of the back cushions and threw them into the crib so that they were side by side. "Problem solved." he declared with a grin on his face.
"And just in time too." said Diggle as the door opened and very pregnant Felicity walked in. She stopped in the doorway unmoving, staring at the mess in front of her, her mouth opening and closing trying and failing to form words.
It was a full minute before she was able to say anything. "Oliver, what happened here, and what the frack is that?" she pointed at the crib.
"And that's my cue to leave. I'll see you guys later" said Diggle heading towards the door and ignoring the 'please don't leave me alone with her' look on Oliver's face.
Oliver stood up and with some uncertainty in his voice said, "Surprise?"
"Oh I'm surprised alright." she said taking everything in, "Why are there so many beer bottles on the floor, are you drunk?"
"Maybe just a little bit." he replied smiling nervously.
Felicity walked around the crib taking a closer look at it, and running her fingers over the grey tape, "Oliver...honey...love of my life...father of my unborn child...why is there duct tape all around the crib?" she said a little too sweetly for Oliver's comfort.
"Uh...to make sure it's secure...you can never be too safe." he stuttered.
"And why are there screws and other bits and pieces all over the floor and from what I can see, none holding the crib together?"
"Those were all extra, you know just in case..."
She narrowed her eyes at him, "Oliver Jonas Queen, my baby will not be sleeping in that!"
"Your baby? I think you mean our baby." he argued.
"Nope" Felicity wrapped her arms protectively around her baby bump. "Not when you think that a duct taped crib is safe enough for a baby to sleep in. And don't get me started on the couch cushions inside."
"The cushions are just for show until we buy a mattress, and the duct tape was Digg's idea." he blurted out.
"And you just went along with it."
"It seemed like a good idea at the time."
"I'm sure it did." Felicity picked up the piece of paper lying on top of the couch, "So two grown men, one of them already a father, couldn't follow these simple instructions?" She waved the paper in front of Oliver's face.
"They're not simple, Felicity. They might as well be written in Swedish."
"Really, because they look simple enough to me." she said raising an eyebrow.
Oliver moved towards his wife, his arms circling her waist and pulled her towards him, "that's because you're a genius." he grinned leaning in for a kiss.
"Your charming smile isn't going to get you out of this one, Mr. Smoak." she teased, breaking the kiss and lightly poking him in the chest. "How about you take that thing apart and clean up the mess you made while I order some dinner for us. Afterwards we can try assembling it together."
"Sounds like a plan."
"Argh! I can't believe we've been at this for three hours!" Felicity cried out in frustration.
Oliver laughed, "And you were saying earlier?"
"Don't you dare, mister." she warned, "I'm pregnant and extremely annoyed right now, so choose your next words carefully. And wipe that smile off your face."
Oliver picked up the duct tape and waved it around. "Not looking like a bad idea now, is it?"
"Yeah, still not happening."
Oliver sat down beside his wife on the couch and wrapped an arm around her shoulder drawing her closer to him. "How about we turn in for the night, and first thing tomorrow we return this contraption back to that evil Swedish store and find one that isn't this complicated to build."
Felicity leaned into Oliver and let her head rest on his shoulder and hummed her approval. "Or maybe we could call Barry and ask him to help."
"Yeah, that's definitely not happening."
Fin