Author's Notes
Well, it seems I've been influenced to attempt to impart knowledge to my readers! Despite what the title implies, this is FAR from a comprehensive analysis, but six key elements of a good crack pairing fic will be highlighted throughout the story. And hopefully I can provide a humourous experience to the reader as well!
Just as a side note, feel free to search up pictures of Fire Emblem characters if you're unsure of their appearances!
So without further ado, take it away Sain! This fic may be rated T for a reason!
Crack Pairings: A Comprehensive Analysis
"Hello everyone! This is your friendly neighbourhood Sain here, visiting from the world of Elibe to provide this valuable information for the audience!"
(crickets)
"Right. As well, I have with me my valuable co-host: the most beautiful manly woman you'll ever find, Sully, visiting from the world of Ylisse!"
(full applause)
"Maybe I'd get some more love from everyone if I didn't have to follow this script."
"Maybe you'd get more love if you weren't such a wimp."
"Sully! That was excellent acting! Your voice sounded so genuine. I guess you're good at reading lines. That almost sounded real!"
"That wasn't in the script."
"You wound me! But alas, we must get to the main event! So, some may wonder what a crack pairing is! Well, a crack pairing is a romantic pairing of two individuals found in works of fiction that aren't plausible in real life or within game canon, and yet when portrayed correctly within a fictional story, you cannot help but accept that these two individuals are made for each other!"
"What are you, a hopeless romantic? You remind me of one of my comrades. He was an excessive flirt, and yet he was also a spineless wimp."
"...do you even have a script?"
"I threw it away. I was promised a lot of things to agree to sit with you and do this analysis. I still think I got the short end of the stick."
"Ahem! Anyway, we will be looking through some good examples, and also some bad examples of what to do and what not to do in a story with a crack pairing as the main focus! We'll specifically focus on three longtime writers that have all tackled crack pairings, and see if they know what they're doing or not!"
"What counts as a long time?"
"I'm just reading the script my dear! Our lucky and completely voluntary writers are Cormag Ravenstaff, Hammerschlag, and COOKIECHEESEMAN… wait a second, doesn't one of these actually specialize in crack pairings?"
"That literally means nothing. What matters is if they can write a decent story or not."
"The truth hurts, but it's true!"
"Was that lame joke in the script too?"
"Moving on! We'll look at the writers one at a time, and then focus on certain aspects of certain fics of theirs! It's going to be exciting! Are you not excited, my burning blossom?"
(crickets)
"No one likes the jokes that are in my script."
"Burning blossom! That's a new one. You get points for creativity, at least. Let's just get started so I can leave sooner."
"Yes, let's!"
Cormag Ravenstaff
"So let's start with our first author! Cormag has a few crack pairings under his belt… wait a second, he wrote an EphraimxMyrrh fic from the world of Magvel?"
"Uh, why does that matter?"
"My burning blossom! How could you not know? EphraimxMyrrh is literally the most sacred crack pairing of all! That means that this writer is perfect and requires no analysis whatsoever!"
"What? That crap sounds completely biased. Who wrote this script?!"
"...an EphraimxMyrrh lover. He believes that they should be a canon couple. They're his OTP, which, if the audience doesn't know, means One True Pairing, of course!"
"Well that's bull. Everyone deserves to be made fun of equally."
"Made fun of?"
"I've got to have some fun today."
"Am I not fun?"
"Not at all."
"Okay okay, let's look at one of his stories then. We'll start with one that takes place in Elibe, Storytelling… hey! This one stars me with the beautiful swordfighter Karla! What a treat!"
"What does she look like?"
"Well, the script-writer printed off pictures from the Fire Emblem Wiki for us to use as reference, since we'll be going through lots of different characters today. This is a picture of our dear Karla! I fell in love with her at first sight!"
"Heh heh."
"What are you thinking, burning blossom?"
"Honestly, I'm surprised you even looked at her face, considering the size of her rack."
"Erm, I'll admit that her… impressive features struck me at first, but it was her battle prowess that actually intrigued me enough to speak with her! When she defeated my comrade with as much ease as she defeated me in a practice duel, I saw a strong woman who I hoped I could eventually fight alongside as an equal!"
"So… you're saying you were subject to character development?"
"Yes! It may not be the greatest example of it, but it is certainly a key part of the story! Hey! Wait a second! I thought you threw out your script!"
"I was joking when I said I threw it out, but I don't plan to use it often. I figured that since you actually made a positive change in a reasonable amount of time in that fic, I'd throw you a bone and read from mine once in a while."
"Well, that's great! That will make things easier for me! Don't forget, this is supposed to be for the benefit of others!"
"Whatever you say."
Hammerschlag
"Time to move on to our next author! He's… hmm."
"What?"
"Well, he's never written an EphraimxMyrrh fic before, so… he's supposed to be shunned."
"Shunned? Wait a second, what do you mean…"
COOKIECHEESEMAN
"Well, here's our last author! Let's go and…"
"Wait a second, you skipped the other guy?"
"Well, according to the script, he doesn't like a certain anime that the script-writer likes, plus with the lack of EphraimxMyrrh and all…"
"Don't be an even bigger idiot than you already are."
"AHHH! The pain of your insults! I got too close to my burning blossom, and she burned me!"
(crickets)
"Sain, that was an absolutely pathetic joke."
Hammerschlag
"Back to business now. We'll start with another Elibe story called Taming the Love-Master… and this fic also stars me with the firecracker Farina! The middle of three gorgeous pegasus sisters!"
"Hey! That fic selection was a cheap shot. According to the website, this was only his second fic. Cut the man some slack!"
"I don't have a choice, my dear! I'm simply a narrator! But I digress. It's interesting that you mentioned that specific fact. I'm supposed to start with some genuine praise: for only a second fic, this is a wonderful attempt, and can certainly stand on its own, especially with some tweaking. The script-writer applauds the effort, especially since newer writers usually don't attempt crack pairings in their first few fics. Some good laughs too."
"Hmm… looking at this though, it seems like… she falls for you WAY too easily! This is certainly not the best example of relationship pacing."
"I must admit, it sounds too good to be true! A rushed relationship can, unfortunately, spell doom! How does it look to others when people get along faster than they should? Would they not question it?"
"I'm sure everyone questions every relationship that's ever been written about you, but yes, I see what you mean there. I didn't think you were mature enough to admit faults about yourself."
"I surprise my women often, my dear!"
"Oh, I'm sure you do…"
COOKIECHEESEMAN
"Ah, time for the cream of the crop! Well… at least that's what the script says. I assume you disagree?"
"Oh, one hundred percent. I bet his EphraimxMyrrh fics aren't even that good."
"Either way, let's see what we've got available! This guy has written approximately 30 crack pairings within his entire writing career! Or at least as of the end of 2017. So, which story of his are we reviewing, you may ask?"
"Um, yes. We certainly want to know at some point today."
(silence)
"Wait a minute! Sain, are you literally picking one at random?"
"It is called suspense, my dear! Is it working?"
"Well, I'm getting hungry, and this idiot's pen-name isn't helping."
"Do not fret! The story selected this time is ironically called An Unlikely Pair… and this one doesn't star me at all! I don't even think my name is mentioned anywhere, even though it takes place in Elibe!"
"Heh heh, I already give this fic a 10/10 then."
"Your burning never stops! But alas, this fic gets huge points for believability for sure. It stars a lovely cleric named Serra whose need to speak is greater than her need to breathe, and an assassin named Jaffar that has almost no need to speak at all! It's an interesting premise that explores how such a bizarre duo can work! At least the reviewers agree with that."
"I'll admit, these two's feelings are genuine. Heck, I'd root for them. Definitely some useless stuff in the second chapter, but an overall good effort. I take back what I said. This guy ain't bad. Although, he did pick one of his more recent fics, meaning that it would more likely be one of his better works. The exact opposite on what he picked for Hammerschlag. Almost seems deliberate…"
"Oh! Look at the time! We'd better move on! Time's wasting!"
"I think you just confirmed that suspicion, Sain…"
Cormag Ravenstaff
"So this is interesting! We've got a fic from the world of Jugdral to review now! It's called I'm No Little Girl!... and it features the main lord of the first generation, Sigurd, with a spunky dancer named Sylvia! This is interesting, as Sigurd actually has a FIXED canon pairing, so we've really gone off the rails here! Actually, I think COOKIECHEESEMAN is the only other person who's broken up Sigurd's sacred pairing at this point in time, so that really…"
"Holy crap, Sain, shut up. Was all of that useless mumbo jumbo at the end actually part of the script?"
"It was, actually! Why do you ask?"
"Should have guessed. Huh… this fic is actually quite funny. While it would help to actually know the characters and the situation the fic is based on, this fic is quite good. Looking at the two characters' pictures from this printout, it's also a big social class difference too. I guess what I'm asking is… what's wrong with the fic?"
"Well, Sully, it's interesting you ask that. Like you said, it's a good fic with good laughs that's very enjoyable! To be fair, though, this fic isn't a serious attempt at the crack pairing itself. The fic is for amusement purposes only, which it succeeds at, but as was stated earlier, what is the main focus of a crack pairing?"
"Ah, I see where you're going. 'When portrayed correctly, you can't help but accept that these two individuals are made for each other', as you said before, and you certainly don't get this vibe from the fic."
"Precisely! You know, I think you're starting to get into this."
"You know, your silly, upbeat attitude is starting to have an effect on me. I bet those last few sentences weren't even in the script, were they? You're not bad at this narrating gig."
(the crowd gasps)
"Thank you, my thorned rose! My influence is rubbing off on you! Let's continue on, then, shall we?"
"Wait a second, how many nicknames can you have for one person?"
Hammerschlag
"Here we are, back at the… wait a second, we're not shunning this author, so I won't make that joke. Which fic are we going to work with now? Well, it's called The Capitalist and the Warrior… and it's a fic from Ylisse!"
"Really? Let me take a look here… hang on, I'm not even mentioned in this fic?"
"It's too bad, as I was pondering how others portrayed you in works of fiction!"
"You mean, if my personality was changed to that of a doting princess or something? That would be the day."
"Actually, I meant to ask you something, now that you mention it! Your gruff and confident attitude… were you always like that? Or were you influenced by your family? It suits you superbly, but I wonder if things were different in the past."
"I have two brothers, so they toughened me up! I had to fight my way to get anything; extra food, privileges, you name it, you had to fight for it. I think it was good for me."
"And look at what a strong woman you've become! Don't get me wrong, I like the dainty ladies, but I have respect for those who can hold their own. A dominatrix… er, dominating lady is always refreshing."
"Wait, what did you say?"
"Anyway, this story stars the series mascot, Anna, with the brute axefighter Vaike…"
"...I think I'm going to pretend you meant to say something else."
"...and these two certainly don't match together at first glance. What creativity this fic shows! But when you read it, it's fascinating! Based on humour, but it's certainly a serious attempt at the pairing! At one point it almost loses its relationship pacing, but then Anna rectifies it before the last section of the story begins. A well done crack pairing fic, that's for sure!"
"Well, I'd agree with you there! You know, this is actually starting to be enjoyable. Who knew I'd actually have fun doing this with you?"
"Ah! My thorned rose! Your prickley comments stab me over with many pains! But your rose-like…"
"I'm going to stop you there. Could you go back to burning blossom? I actually... kind of liked that one."
"Anything for my burning blossom! Your…"
"Okay okay, now you're overdoing it again."
COOKIECHEESEMAN
"Well, Sully, we've got one more fic left to review from our resident crack pairing enthusiast. It's called No Closer Bond… and it… uh… oh my."
(silence)
"What are you waiting for? What's the problem?"
"...I can't say it."
"Don't be a wimp. Here, I'll…"
(silence)
"...well, Sain, I see why you don't really want to talk about this one. It's a straight up incest fic! What the hell is this writer's problem?! And it's freaking twincest too, with the brother and sister lords of Magvel, Ephraim and Eirika. Why are we looking at this fic in the first place?"
"Well, let me see here… according to the author, this fic is a good example concerning realism within a fic. I'll read directly from the script here for this next part: 'Realism is something he's had trouble with, especially within the early stages of his writing career. He wanted to rectify that with this fic. Even though it does have a happy ending… it's not all flowers and roses to get to that point, even concerning the end result. Is it a perfect fic? Is it completely realistic? Obviously not, but at the very least, it's a respectful take on the relationship'... I guess I can see that."
"It's an interesting concept, if you really think about it. I'd be fine with moving on to the conclusion though."
"As would I, my burning blossom! So in… wait a second, there's another fic attached to this script for some reason. It's called A Mutual Feeling… and it stars two star-crossed lovers from Elibe. Heath, a runaway knight turned mercenary, and Priscilla, the adopted daughter of a respected count. It also stars… Priscilla's older brother, Raven."
"Um, why did you hesitate when you said that?"
"Oh my… chapter two is…"
"Don't be such a baby. It can't be that…"
(both read the second chapter in silence)
"Sully, what… what was he thinking when he wrote this?"
"This is even creepier than the other fic! What the hell is the point of this random crap that Raven's doing to Priscilla? 'Cupping and rubbing her modestly-sized breasts with subtle gentleness and attention', 'his right hand goes to stroke her tender legs'... why did he write about this? Is he even allowed to write that?"
"Well, it doesn't go as far as you're implying from the words, but…"
"I don't care! This fic certainly does not contain any of the main points of a crack pairing! I'd rather read his stinkin' EphraimxMyrrh fics than this garbage! Someone take this fic and throw it in a fireplace or something!"
"Oh my word… I don't want to keep reading it, but I can't look away...I'm going to have nightmares about this fic…"
"Seriously, where's that fireplace?!"
"So, in conclusion, we've discussed a multitude of crack pairing fics and how they've done things correctly and incorrectly! Let's review those six points! Firstly, you need to feature character development, you must make sure your relationship pacing is just right, the fic needs to have believability, your fic must be a serious attempt at pairing the couple, creativity is a necessary feature, and lastly you need realism to help the fic's rationality! If you have at least most of those points in a fic starring a crack pairing of your choice, your audience is going to start rooting for them! You may even convert others into liking crack pairings that they may never have thought of before!"
"Heh heh."
"What is it, my dear Sully?"
"Well, Sain... I've got to hand it to you. You did a good job with this. You're a cooler person than I expected."
"Like I said, I'm full of surprises! Did you learn anything today?"
"I did. I never would have expected Axe-Man and Miss Clone to get together, but now I can understand why. I'm sure you see some of your own comrades in a different light too."
"Of course! It's true my burning blossom! And interestingly, you've even begun to come up with nicknames for people like I did for you!"
"Maybe I'll even come up with one for you at some point Sain."
"I look forward to it! And you know what? The way I see it, I would say that today was a success! Sully, would you care to join me for a celebratory dinner discussing tonight's accomplishments? I'll buy, of course."
"You know what? Why the hell not? After today, I think you're a pretty good guy. I'd love to join you."
(the crowd gasps)
"Hurray! You won't regret it, my burning blossom! I promise you a night of interesting stories and a few drinks to help pass the time!"
"I can't believe I'm saying this... but I look forward to it."
(the crowd gasps again)
"Well, there you have it! Even in real life, perhaps our own crack pairing story has now begun! Before I go, I must thank our completely voluntary authors for allowing us to review their fics! Your work is appreciated! At this point then, this is Sain, signing out for now, and with me is my dominatrix… er, dominating cohost…"
SMACK!
(Sain lies on the floor in pain, and the audience roars in applause)
"...and burning blossom, Sully…"
(Sully stands over Sain in annoyance)
"I expect you to be at my place with your finest steed by 6:30, you got it?"
"Yes… yes, it shall be done! And with that, we bid our audience goodnight! Please drive home safely!"
THE END
Author's Notes
Well, this was certainly something different for me to write! The inspiration for this came from Cormag Ravenstaff and Hammerschlag, who each wrote fics in a somewhat similar style concerning how to write certain aspects of stories. Hammerschlag wrote a fic about original characters, while Cormag Ravenstaff wrote a fic about self-inserts, and then another one about TacticianxLyn fics of FE7. Somehow, I got the influence to write about something that (I'd like to think) I have experience in: crack pairings! As a crack pairing enthusiast, and as one who's written good AND bad crack pairing fics, I thought I could throw a few "words of useless wisdom" to the audience, especially since I plan to retire from Fanfiction (hopefully) within the year.
The running joke about shunning Hammerschlag refers to him and how he dislikes the anime Oreimo, which is an anime that features incest as a main plot point. Myself, I personally enjoyed the show very much. So I kind of made fun of him in the author's notes of one of my other stories and then he really got me good in the aforementioned fic about original characters, making fun of the fact that I have WAY too many of them in my main multi-chapter fic, A Glimmer of Hope. This is getting him back for that! In all fairness though, I respect him and his writing ability very much, and this was all in good fun. Although he's not a huge fan of EphraimxMyrrh either, which is, of course, an unforgivable sin. :p
Speaking of those two writers, please check out their stories! They're both very good writers, and they've written some great stuff. Hammer is slowly rewriting Fire Emblem canon, alongside some other great one-shots. Cormag writes some great action and AU stuff. Both of them write other great FE fics too! Seriously, go check them out! They're the main reason I've stuck around here on Fanfiction for so long, so do them a solid and check out their fics!
If you're looking with for an anime that features a crack pairing, check out Emma: A Victorian Romance! It's about the son of a wealthy businessman in the 19th century who falls in love with a lowly maid, and how their relationship grows between each other. Certainly a taboo and star-crossed relationship for this time period! It's an extremely well done show. I bought the series on DVD so I don't know where to find it online, but if you can watch it you will NOT be disappointed. And it ends happily too, but it certainly showcases all six points of a successful crack pairing!
On that note, how was this fic? As some long-time readers of mine would expect, Sain and Sully get together by the end of the story! So, do you think that this fic displays all six of the main points? Can you see Sain and Sully as a viable crack pairing after reading this fic? Or does the story fall short in some way? Please review and let me know so that I'll understand if I know what I'm talking about or not! Please don't guest review though, or it will be deleted!
If you're new to my stories, just know that many of my fics feature crack pairings, so if there's something that interests you, check out what I've written and maybe something will perk your interest! I married Guy and Serra for FE7, I broke up Sigurd's canon pairing for FE4, I paired Chrom with Tharja from FE13, got Leanne and Soren together from FE9, brought together Saber and Celica from FE15, and of course, (un)officially canonized Ephraim and Myrrh from FE8. Obviously! :D
But seriously, don't ever read A Mutual Feeling. EVER. :O It's one of my earlier fics, and I'm trying to figure out my motivation in writing it, especially regarding the second chapter. You should read the other fics recommended in this story, though!
So, what's next for me, then? Well, I think at this point, I'm going to write the next chapter of my RoyxIdoun multi-chapter fic from FE6, A Glimmer of Hope. See you guys there!