I look down at my hands, which by now are raw and bloodied. The rope I hold is severed and worn, much like my sanity. I keep twisting it into different shapes, I have no other choice. It's automatic; like I have no control over my actions anymore. My only distraction is this old rope, the only thing to keep my mind from wandering. I am vaguely aware of Katniss' presence, and I know she feels what I am feeling. Tie the knots, tie the knots, knots, knots, knots I think. It's not enough. Of course it isn't. It never is. My imagination transports me to the place of my nightmares, back to the arena ten years ago, back to the arena two weeks ago, back to her. Annie. No. I can't. Stop Finnick. But it's too late. Annie. Sweet, innocent Annie. Annie, who knows nothing of the rebels' plans. Annie, in the clutches of the Capitol's hands. My Annie. Stop. I'm so close to giving up. My eyes are already raw from the floods of tears which seem to appear all too often, but I feel them brimming again. My hands drop the rope and I decide to shut the world out. Shut it all out. I feel hollow and empty, I feel lonely. Hours pass and I feel nothing, I never do anymore. Think of something happy Finnick, I tell myself. I try to recall the day on the beach that I told Annie I loved her.
It was at sunset, and the air was warm and balmy. I was holding her hand, observing her. The way her green eyes were so bright, the way the sun glinted off her skin and made her look as if she was glowing, the way she stared off into the distance and smiled, as if she was thinking of a time when things were better. She turns to look at me and I know the next thing I will say is 'I love you', but when she does her face is marred. Fresh red tracks run down her perfect skin, she's screaming, calling my name. I try to reach out but there's something between us. A barrier. I lash out at the glass trying so desperately to reach her, she's still screaming. I bang against the glass with all my force as men in white uniforms drag her away from me. Peacekeepers. I keep hitting the glass until I can no longer feel. I hear a laugh from somewhere. I know that laugh. That evil, unforgiving laugh. All of Panem knows that laugh. Snow. He's got her. He's got my Annie. Reality hits me in the face and I remember that he's got her. I feel the moisture on my cheeks as the tears fall and I whisper Annie's name, as if that'll bring her back to me. It won't.
I don't know what time it is. I don't know what day it is. For a second I think I am back in the arena, but I look around and remember that I am in District Thirteen's command room. Katniss is still making knots. Has she slept? The bags under her eyes say otherwise. Her face still has a look of determination about it, which is visible even through the haze of fatigue. One thing I admire about her. I know that Katniss will not sleep, will not stop thinking until she knows that Peeta and Gale are both safely back where she can see them. My hands reach out for my worn rope and find it by my feet. Another day of knots, I think.
"Did you love Annie right away, Finnick?" Katniss' voice sounds coarse and tired.
Did I love Annie right away?
"No." I reply. My voice doesn't sound like my own, it sounds as if it belongs to someone else. Someone riddled with sadness and pain, no hope. The word sounds wrong as I say it. I couldn't imagine a life without Annie, how could I not have loved her straight away? I'm consumed with guilt as I remember that I most certainly did not see how kind, how sweet, how beautiful, how perfect Annie was when I first met her.
"She crept up on me."
And she did.
Relief floods me as the trumpets start and Annie Cresta is announced as the winner of the Seventieth Annual Hunger Games. At first I hadn't even bothered to get to know her name. She seemed weak and vulnerable, both physically and emotionally. I had been ready to put money on her lasting no longer than a couple of days. Noel however, her district partner, I had had faith in. I was wrong. Seeing Annie become unhinged after witnessing a District Two tribute behead Noel had wrenched feelings from that I had always believed I was incapable of feeling. Now that she was being lifted from that arena, alive, not whole, but alive, made those feelings come back in a rush.
During the time in training, I had always noticed that Annie had no interest in weapons. She seemed to always situate herself at the knot tying station, giving me even less hope for her. One kid lost from District Four for sure I'd think. Just an innocent, seventeen year old kid from the lakes. I knew that Annie had no one back home. Her mother had died a couple of days after Annie's birth and her father had passed a couple of years later in an accident out at sea. She was alone in this world, and even though I didn't know her, that fact made me ache for her. Maybe it was because anyone would feel bad for a kid in her situation, or maybe it was because every time I found myself unintentionally looking into those sea green eyes, looking back at me was just a scared girl who of all people did not deserve to be thrown into an arena to fight to the death.
Standing in the doorway of the training room, I came back around to find those sea green eyes fixated on me, burning a hole in my skin. Annie was once again at the knot tying station, but instead of intensely concentrating on the rope in front of her, she was examining me. I walked over to her station and decided I'd try and decipher her obsession with rope, try and see how she thought this could help her. As I crouched down to pick up some rope, she spoke.
"I know you don't understand." Her voice is quiet, calm. Like the sea on a lazy Sunday. I had never really heard Annie speak. No. I'd never paid any attention to her when she had spoken.
"Then help me to. Knots?" My only reply. She was right, I didn't understand.
"You never know when you'll need to tie a knot."
I laugh. Not in a malicious way, but genuinely. For the first time in years, I was laughing. That was the first time I saw Annie Cresta smile.
"That is very true."
Over the next couple of days I spent my time at the station with her. I sat next to her at dinner. She'd make me laugh more. Then, at night, I'd regret it. Getting close to her. Wanting more of her. I regretted it the most on the night I had to say goodbye to her. The interviews had finished and Annie had made the crowd fall in love with her. She was sweet, she was funny, and she was everything a tribute shouldn't be. All of us were silent until we got to the fourth floor of the training centre. This was of course the part where I would tell the tributes that they were a pleasure to mentor, and in the nicest way possible, the next time I would see them would be in a wooden box, but good luck anyway. Mags, the woman who mentored me and was now my co mentor hugged both Noel and Annie and exchanged a couple of words before retiring to her room. I shook hands with Noel and told him to make sure to use his wits. Then I was left alone with Annie. It had seemed that neither of us could form words. That's when she took my hand and without a seconds hesitation I pulled her into my arms. I didn't need words. I took in the sweet scent of her hair, the feel of her head against my chest, everything that was Annie. I kissed her forehead as she pulled away thinking that it'd be the first and last time I ever would. I never wanted to say goodbye to the girl from District Four.
I had been wrong to think it was our last goodbye. Watching the Games had been excruciating. I had done everything in my power to keep Annie alive, because I knew that I would never have had forgiven myself I hadn't tried. In the end, a flood sent by the Gamemakers had wiped out all the other tributes, but spared Annie as she was the best swimmer amongst them. Watching her being lifted out of the arena was the only thing that had kept my sanity intact. I hadn't been allowed to see her straight away, which had angered me. I had been shouting at a group of Doctors when I heard her voice. So different to when I had heard it in the training centre before the games, almost frantic, but definitely hers.
"Finnick!"
I turned to look in the direction of her voice to find her stood there in a white hospital gown, tired, bedraggled, scared, but Annie. Before I'd had time to take in the sight of her alive she'd already launched herself into my arms. I held her like I had that night in the training centre. The night when I realised, that Annie Cresta, had crept up on me.
I come around to find Haymitch pushing the door of the Command room open.
"They're back. We're wanted in the hospital." They're back. Annie. She's here. She's safe. She's back. I can't move. I hear a voice but I can't understand what its saying. Is this real? Am I still in a dream which is about to turn into a nightmare? I feel someone shaking me. Katniss. She's taking my hand and helping me up. Annie is here. Annie is back. Annie is safe. I can't form any other thought in my head. Katniss is leading me somewhere. I don't know where. Haymitch is with her. They're talking but I don't understand them. There's shouting and people. A lot of people. I start to come back to my senses. People are wounded; they're being wheeled by in hospital beds. I only have one thought, where is she? I'm being lead through the hospital wing, through the doorway, which is when I see her. She has her back to me, her long dark hair falling in a wavy curtain to her waist. I want to call out her name, but I can't. She turns as if she heard my thoughts. We take each other in for a brief second before she's running towards me.