"Dennis I have arranged for you to be part of the St Patricks Day parade this year! NBC have created a potato float, of course it's not a real potato and anyway I thought that you could represent us Irish whilst waving proudly to the crowds dressed as a pint of Guinness?"
"Jack, I would be honoured to take part"
"There's just one thing I need you to do for me first"
"So how did it go?"
"It didn't go well Jack; I think I might have made it worse?"
"But, it was full proof…you turn up at Liz's apartment, with the actress that I found on Craig's list. Make Liz so furious that Criss can't deal with all the 'Deniz' drama that he breaks up with her!"
Dennis gives a beaten look and he can see the anger building in Jack's face. Dennis continues to watch as Jack circles his office and explains to Dennis why he needed his help.
"Dennis, I need you to understand, I gave Criss a chance, I really did, I gave him 3 months and well, after those 3 months, I realised that, I simply don't like him. So I made the decision that Liz and Criss should end it. So I reached out to you because I thought for sure I could count on you to infuriate Lemon and now you're telling me that's not how it went down?"
"She told Criss that she loved him"
"Lemon said the L word? That's ridiculous, she's not there yet. Her hand must have been forced?"
"From what I saw Jack, it looked genuine"
Dennis retrieves the remote and flicks through TeVo to find the NBC footage on the St Patricks parade, he nervously fast forwards through the footage of him defending the potato float from his fellow fighting Irish who genuinely believe that is the largest potato they have ever seen. Yet they still continue to chew on the potato despite it being made of cardboard. Dennis stops on the moment the camera's captured when Liz confesses her love for Criss to then freeze frame on their kiss. Dennis walks over to Jack to hand him the remote.
Barely summing the strength to take the remote from Dennis, Jack presses the power button and stares at the blank screen.
"Do you want me to pour you a drink Jack?"
Dennis patiently waits for Jack to respond and decides to pour him a Scotch anyway. Pouring the drink into the tumbler Dennis then gestures to Jack that he should take it. Jack snatches the tumbler from Dennis to then knock his nip back.
"I'm sorry Jack, I can see how disappointed you are, I can see it in your face, I have even let myself down and more importantly I let our fellow Irishmen down, the way I behaved on that parade, our proudest day…"
"What?"
Jack continues to look blankly at Dennis.
"Dennis, let me ask you something, have you ever thought about what kind of man Lemon should be with?"
"I've never really thought about it before."
"Well, I have"
Dennis takes a seat on Jack's couch and is intrigued to hear what Jack has to say.
"Ok Jack, tell me, what kind of guy you think Elizabeth should be with"
"Well for starters, she needs someone who is successful and is equal if not more intelligent than her. Criss is a struggling entrepreneur who doesn't even have the brains to successfully run a hot dog van from outside Rockefeller Plaza. The Kebab van owner outside, you know the one that looks like a terrorist, drives a Mercedes…just saying."
"Ok, so he's not as smart or as successful as she is"
"Someone who can support her, God I know that I have had to carry her both emotionally and physically over the years…that woman cannot handle her periods. Look at Criss, he can't even support himself, when she first met him he was living in his van."
"He makes her happy"
"Happy? Lemon writes a comedy show, she doesn't need a man to make her happy"
"He's enthusiastic…"
"So are horny teens, what's your point?"
Dennis looks hard at Jack and realises that it is Jack, who's not getting the point.
"Dennis, I want Lemon to have the best. Don't you think she deserves the best? I want Liz to be with someone who is intelligent, successful and most importantly handsome. I'm tired of looking at those chinless men she presents to me".
"Can't you see Jack, all those qualities in a guy, well she already has that?"
"Criss has none of those qualities"
"No Jack, I mean, she has you. You're all of those things. Why should Liz look for a guy with all those qualities when she already has them in you? Why can't she have someone that provides her with the things that she doesn't have, like happiness, a guy who has the ability to show her their love, someone who is willing to settle down and commit themselves to her?"
Dennis rises from the leather couch places his tumbler on the table and walks towards the door but turns to face Jack as he leaves.
"All I'm saying is that Liz has a man who loves her, he makes her happy and what's wrong with that?"
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