I guess it's kind of weird, how it all happened. I mean, we've known each other for years, yet it took me exactly three seconds in the middle of just a regular night out to realize I had fallen for you.
You met me at the worst time of my life, you know that? That year was hell, I had completely broken apart into a million pieces and you walked in, thinking you could put me back together. I wasn't being selfish when I turned you down; I really did you a ton of favors. Given the choice, I would have chosen to be with you then. I knew you would have been good for me, good to me. I knew it even then. But I was damaged goods, and you deserved better. I wasn't in love with you then, although I could have forced myself to be. You really deserved so much more than that.
Have you ever counted how long we've been friends? We're in our fourth year of friendship right now, three solid years and a few months of great times and just a hint of heartbreak, and you've put up with me for all of it. You've never asked me to be anyone but myself, and I've cherished your friendship. You've been a better friend to me than people I've known for ten years or more, and you've never once made me feel inferior or unwanted.
Every time I see you, I'm happy. Even the thought of you makes me smile. You've got that energy to you, something draws me to your warmth and humor and amazing smile. Just three years and a few months ago you were a fun girl, though bossy and a little neurotic, and now you're still fun but also beautiful, confident, and sexy in a real way, not like you're faking it. You've matured and grown and changed right in front of me but for some reason I didn't notice.
When I did notice, it was a huge shock. It was actually yesterday, you know? We were sitting just the two of us eating frozen yogurt and laughing like fools in public when it hit me just how great you really are. Don't get me wrong, I always knew you were great, but somewhere between moments we made eye contact and you smiled and I knew I was a goner.
Because I'm a different person than I was three years and a few months ago. I feel it every day. I've been glued back together into a new version of myself that is better and stronger than ever, a version of me that finally is willing to allow myself something that I deserve. I'm confident and happy enough to know that I deserve a great girl that will treat me well, and in that moment between moments late last night I realized that you aren't just a great girl that would treat me well, but you're one of the few people who has ever treated me well and made me push myself to being better. You care about me for me, and every one deserves someone to love and be loved by.
The fact is, I don't know if I'm in love with you. I do, however, love you. I love spending time with you and talking to you and being with you while you're being you. I'm probably not in love with you, but I could be, and instead of scaring me like it used to it makes me feel like I could jump over buildings and outrace bullets.
In the past few years I've been with a lot of girls. Not in the way that sounds (not every time, I swear) but I've been around a lot of girls in school and at work, and I noticed a pattern where we use each other and throw it all away. More often than not I was the one doing the throwing, and I broke a lot of hearts. I also found myself feeling used and thrown away, and I've discovered that I possess way more self worth than that. I know I deserve better, and I know that you've thought that for years. The old me didn't believe you, but new me does. And new me wants a chance to have what old me threw away: a chance with you.
All that I've written above? All of that flashed through my mind before we broke eye contact in that moment between moments. It took me seconds to come to that realization. But then we kept talking.
You're a new person now, but you don't consider yourself to be a complete person. You're a little bit insecure; you are ashamed of your car and your job and want to get yourself on track. You want to start a career and make your own path in life, and you don't feel like you're at a point in your life where you'd be good for anyone.
You don't want to be in a relationship right now.
They haunt me, echoes of the words I spoke to you three years ago. The words that made you almost give up on me. But you didn't, and now I'm ready to be loved by you, and you've stopped considering yourself worth loving.
Hearing you talk like that broke my heart. And not because I couldn't have you, but because I had to see you sad. I tried to convince you that you're as great as I think you are but I know as well as anyone that being told you're great is not the same as feeling great. I know that it takes a lot of time to feel like a better version of you. I know that you need that time, and I know that that time does not include me.
So now it's time for me to return the favor. You stuck by me until I became a better person, and now I have the chance to do that with you. You want to change and grow? I'm right here. I'm your friend and I care about you, so I'm going to let you do what you do best: be you.
That's all I can do.