Disclaimer: I do not own rights to any of the Dragon Age video games. I wish I did, but I don't.

When I first met Jowan I was only five years old. He was just barely a year older than me and yet he'd been there since he was four. I was a stranger to the Circle, having spent most of my life with my family in Denerim. There, I had been nobility; the youngest daughter of the Amell family. Of course, recently I've received word of other daughters, but they have a different name and moved themselves back to Kirkwall, where our family originated from. Anyway, the Circle was a strange place, and I was a strange girl. I was used to being waited on by servants, provided with clothes and flowers and candies upon request. Now, though, I wasn't gifted with such luxuries. I was left to study and learn to control my magic, which I hadn't known was dangerous until the Templars insisted.

Because of my tendency to boss people around and question authority, where no others dared to, I was left on my own. Few of the other mages would befriend me out of fear that I would piss off the wrong Templar and get everyone killed. So, for the most part I was a loner. However, Jowan was too. I would often find him sitting in the corner of the library, struggling to practice minor spells that came so naturally to me. Things just came difficult to Jowan, while magic came so naturally to me.

I didn't talk to him when I first arrived, though. Only after a few months – three and a half, actually – on a day that Gregoire and I had gotten into an argument about the allowance of pets (he said they were forbidden, I pointed out that my cat Cicely was hardly a demon), I had stormed into the library, irate, and ready to take that anger out on anyone nearby. Jowan had been attempting to create a fireball and, if you can believe it, was having trouble with it. I got irritated after several failed attempts and had finally stomped over and commanded him to put more power into it, not to be afraid that he would lose control. After all, the Maker had given him magic, hadn't he? And the Maker wouldn't have given Jowan magic had he been incapable of using it.

At first, Jowan refused. He told me to 'keep out of his business'. When I didn't leave, he sighed and tried what I'd asked. When he succeeded at both creating a fireball and not burning down the tower, he'd asked my name.

"Felicity Amell" I'd answered, nose in the air. "And who are you?"

"Jowan" he'd said simply, "Could you show me how to do this one, too?" He pointed at a spell, described inside the book and I'd nodded. From there we were fast friends.

Five years later…

"City…?" I heard the voice, but it seemed far off. Too far off to matter; I was too busy sleeping to really care, after all. "Felicity, you have to wake up. Come on, City, I know you can hear me. You want me to go get Gregoire?" My eyes snapped open, meeting Jowan's grey ones. "I knew that would get your attention" he said, leaning back in his chair. We were in the library, I noticed, and the lights were dim.

"What time is it?" I asked, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I tried to remember how I got there in the first place but nothing came to mind.

Jowan rolled his eyes, "It's nearly eleven. You fell asleep while we were studying. Again" he added. "You should really stop doing that, you know. You need to study! What if you're not good enough to get through your Harrowing?" he asked, a question he repeated often. I didn't know why, but Jowan was truly obsessed with the Harrowing. Maybe it was because of his poor abilities as a Mage, but he seemed to think that he wouldn't be allowed to even attempt the Harrowing – that he'd be made Tranquil. I highly doubted that would happen.

"Relax, Jowan, I'll pass my Harrowing without breaking a sweat. You'll see. Besides, that's ages away, so who cares if I don't know how too…" I glance down at the open book I had been using as my pillow, "make rock armor?" Jowan sighed, shaking his head. The gesture reminded me of my brother – now a faded memory – and how he used to do a similar gesture, then proceed to tell me I didn't understand something.

"It's late. Maybe we should go back to the apprentice quarters" Jowan said, pushing his chair pack. I nodded, arching my back into a yawn as Jowan started making two near piles of our books. Technically is was the one of the Tranquils' many jobs to put back books at the end of the day, but after ten, the Tranquil went to sleep, so tonight we'd have to put outown books away. Jowan picked up the taller stack, walking from shelf to shelf and setting them there.

I noticed that he'd taken the ones that went to the taller shelves and smiled. He was always considerate of me; a perfect gentleman, really, though with scruffier hair than I might have liked. I put away my pile of books, racing to catch up with Jowan and looping arms as we walked. The female quarters came after the boys' one, but he still walked me to the door. We spoke in whispers so as not to wake anyone up or alert the Templars. Strictly speaking, we weren't supposed to be out of bed this late.

"I'll see you tomorrow, right? Sweeney is supposed to teach us how to summon electricity. You won't skip the lesson, will you?" I asked, looking up at him with pleading, azure-blue eyes. I'd been aching to learn about storm magic for months, but I knew Jowan was never looking forward to leaning new magic, especially not when he struggled so hard with the old spells. Still, he hesitated when he saw my expression.

"Yeah, alright" he relented, "I'll come to class tomorrow, just wipe that look of your face, will you?"

"What look?" I asked innocently and he shook his head. He leant forward and brushed a curly lock of strawberry-blonde hair behind my ear. I looked at his strangely, but he didn't seem to notice that anything he did was out of the ordinary.

"Goodnight, City" he said, turning to go back to his quarters.

"Night, Jowan! See you tomorrow! Don't let Gregoire catch you out of bed!" he sent me a look over his shoulder, but I caught him smiling when he turned away and disappeared into the dark, leaving me to sneak back into my room and curl into bed.

I didn't know it, yet (and I wouldn't for another five or so months), but it was on that night that I fell in love with my best friend.

One year later…

"Jowan!" I exclaimed, exasperated, summoning wind to blow out the flames. "This is your fifth try! How are you not able to call an Inferno, already? We learned this when you were ten!" I blew a lock of strawberry-blonde out of my eyes, standing with my hand on my hip. I had to admit, though, it was cute to watch him try.

He looked so vulnerable, cringing whenever his spells failed, glaring at me whenever I scolded him. His hair was a mess, his eyes narrowed with determination and yet, I knew his heart wasn't in it. If he could, he would give up being a mage, but the only way to do that was to be made Tranquil, and that was a fate worse than death.

And before you ask, the answer is yes, I knew I loved him at this point. And no, I hadn't told him. There just never seemed like a good time to tell him and besides, he'd reject me in a heartbeat. After all, we were best friends. E called me his little sister! You don't date little sisters…

"I'm exhausted, City, can't we stop?" he begged, slouching against a nearby bookcase. I sighed, nodding. "Yeah, I guess we can stop" I relented, "But this is really bad! You'd fail your Harrowing in a heartbeat if they tested you tonight!" Lately, it had been a habit of mine to bring up the Harrowing. Because now, you see, instead of brushing it off, our Harrowings were only a few years away; closer still for Jowan. And what if he failed? What if something happened and he didn't make it out alive? I would lose him forever – and I wasn't willing to give him up. Not now, not ever.

"I know, I know. Don't you think I know?" Jowan said.

"Well you did just say 'I know' three times" I said, mimicking his voice, "So I'd guess that you do?" I smirked and he rolled his eyes, still panting and using the shelves as a way of keeping himself upright. He really was tired… and it was probably my fault. I came to his side, helping him across the room to a chair. "Look, I'm sorry to work you so hard. It's just that- well, this is all really basic stuff. I'm worried about you" I told him finally.

"I know you are. I'm worried too! But there's nothing we can do. I'm just not a very powerful mage. I'm trying my best, Felicity, I really am!" Jowan insisted.

"Good. Keep trying your best. Eventually your practice is going to pay off. I mean, you're much better than you were last year." I told him, "And you are still getting better; it just takes more time with you, is all. You just need more practice"

Jowan shook his head. "I don't think I can take any more practice, City" he said.

"Well, not today, obviously. We're done for today. Want me to get you some water?" he nodded and I left his side in search of some. Once I had a glass and was on my way back, however, I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking and I bumped into one of the Templar trainee's. "Oh! Ser Cullen! I'm sorry, I got your armor all wet. Here, let me dry it off-"

I didn't notice how awkward it was between us when I pulled out my handkerchief and wiped off the water until he grabbed my hand. "It's, uh, fine. Just go on your way and I'll, uh, deal with it…" he said. Before I could question it he had run off down the hall and I was left standing there, glancing back at him. Obviously, I had to get another glass of water, but by the time I'd gotten back, one of the Chantry Sisters had already brought him some. Lily was her name; I remembered her because she had been introduced to me by the Mother who resided in the tower.

I would remember her later on in life because she was my romantic rival.

"Jowan, you ok?" I asked, coming into the room and setting down the glass. I felt foolish for bringing it, now that Lily had already brought him one, but I didn't question it. "Hello, Lily" I added, unable to keep the venom from my voice. Jowan seemed to be the only one in the room who didn't catch that I was jealous- and thank the Maker for that.

"Yes, I'm fine. Where were you, though? Seemed like you were gone for ages!" he exclaimed. I smiled, shrugging my shoulders.

"I bumped into a templar and spilled the first glass so I went back to get another" I eyed Lily, "Seems your fine now, though. Sorry it took me so long that I had to be a burden Lily" I said, keeping my voice even. I think I didn't a pretty good job too, nobody could have known that I wanted to poke her eyes out with a needle.

"I supposed I should go…" Lily said, already backing out of the room.

"Alright, then. I'll see you later Lily!" Jowan called as she scurried from the room. "You ok, City? You seem irritated, somehow?" he asked, and I blinked, shaking my head no.

"I'm fine. You're the one you should be worried about, what with the exhaustion" I said jokingly and he laughed.

The tension was gone, and it was back to being just him and me, like it had always been.

Five years later…

"I can't believe-" hiccup "-that Sweeney smuggled in ale for your birthday, Jowan!" I exclaimed, slurring my words and leaning on his shoulder. Jowan didn't drink, though, so it was me who finished his bottle. And mine. And half of Sweeney's once the old geezer had gone to bed. "He must reallyreallyreeeally like you, ya know?"

"Shhh! Maker's breath, City, do you want to wake the whole tower up?" Jowan asked, putting an arm around my waist to keep me standing. Perfectly innocent, as much as I wanted it to be suggestive. Yup, I was still hopelessly in love with my best friend, and I still hadn't told him yet, even though I was now seventeen and he, as of that day, eighteen.

We got to the girl's dormitory, where no one actually was. There was a kind of field trip – a chance for Apprentice Mages to leave the tower and cast spell around nature's resources – which almost every mage usually attended. Jowan and I, however, decided to stay behind. Well, I decided to. Jowan wasn't allowed to go in the first place seeing as how poor his skills were; I just didn't have the heart to leave him behind, even for a three day camping trip with the Senior Enchanter and the other apprentices.

Anyway, he lead me to the empty girl's dorm, and I fell face-forward on the bed. He sighed, sitting down and pulling me up so I'd lay down properly. "Felicity, go to sleep. We'll talk in the morning" he said, standing to leave.

"No! Stayherestayhere!" I exclaimed, tugging on the sleeve of his robes. He gave me an inquisitive glance and I nodded at him, making room on the bed. He sat down (albeit, hesitantly) before I pulled him so he lay beside me. "Stay with me tonight!" I commanded, hugging his arm to my chest. And I can't say my chest was small, exactly, so I can't really blame him for blushing.

He pulled his arm away, attempting to sit up, "Felicity, I'll see you tomorrow. Get some sleep, ok?"

"Not unless you stay with me!" I exclaimed, pouting and crossing my arms in front of me, glaring up at the top bunk like a child would while throwing a tantrum.

After a moment's pause he asked, slowly, and with more than a little suspicion, "Why?"

"Because…" I giggled, hiccupping, "Because because because!" I sang, sitting up and wrapping my arms around him in a hug. "You really want to know?" I whispered, acting silly.

"I'm not so sure I do anymore…" Jowan muttered.

"Well do you or don't you?" I demanded to know, feigning hurt.

"Alright. I want to know." He said, and I nodded my approval.

Without another word I slid around him so I was straddling his lap. His eyes widened as he looked at me, "What are you-"

"You wanted to know, so I'm telling you. But I want to look at you when I say it, because otherwise… otherwise I would be mad. At myself, mind you, not at you. I'm never mad at you" I giggled, then forced my face serious, "Ok. I want you to stay with me because… cause I love you" I nodded once for emphases.

Jowan sighed, shaking his head. He didn't believe me. "Go to sleep Felicity" he told me again.

"Jowan, really!" I insisted, "I pinkie promise that I love you!" I held out my pinkie and he glanced at it before looking me straight in the eye. "I'm serious" I told him, and I was.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" he asked.

"Because I was scared of rejection. You always seem to be talking about the other girl, the one you seem to like so much… Lily! You like Lily! But you don't like me, so I never said anything." I told him, and it was the truth. He's never said that it was Lily he was seeing, but I wasn't stupid. I knew it was Lily he was going off to see.

"I don't love Lily" Jowan said quietly, almost inaudibly, "She's a friend, but I don't love her. And what about that Templar? Cullen was his name. What about him? You two spend an awful lot of time together…"

"He's a Templar!" I told Jowan, "Even if I did like him – which I don't – things would never work out. But you're changing the subject! Stay the night. We don't have to do anything, just sleep here is all! Just for a night… One night…" I looked at him with pleading eyes before, finally, he nodded.

I bounced up and down with cheerfulness, to which Jowan groaned. I'd forgotten that I was straddling him. My eyes widened and I covered my mouth, as if my voice had been the problem. "Sorry" I whispered.

Jowan looked at me again, but he wasn't angry. Not at all. His hands fell to my hips and I glanced down with curiosity. "Whacha doing?" I asked as he slid my hips so I was right over the bulge of his groin. He was already pretty hard, probably from me dancing all over his lap seconds before. Jowan's hand found my cheek and he lent forward, whispering into my ear.

"I was never in love with Lily, Felicity. I was always in love with you" His tongue slid down my ear and I sucked in a breath. He pulled back and looked at me with those sad, determined grey eyes. "Would you be mad if I asked you to do that again?"

I shook my head, smiling faintly. Suddenly, I didn't feel so drunk anymore. I shimmied my hips, feeling him press against my thigh through our clothes as I moved. I went slow, but eventually our breath had sped up. Wordlessly he pinned me to the bed, kissing under my chin, my jaw, my ear, finding the sweet spot on my neck and me moan, though I tried to stifle it so that we weren't caught. I wrapped my arms around him, loving the taste of his breath on me and the touch of his body pressed against mine.

"Do you want to…?" his voice trailed off, his eyes dark with lust as he looked at me, begging for the right answer.

I reached for the bottom of his robes, pulling them up his legs. He slid them over his head and kicked off his boots. He looked at me, and he seemed sorry somehow, as if what he was doing was wrong. Maybe it was. I don't know. All I know is that the next thing I knew was that I was sitting up and he was pulling off my robes, sliding off my shoes, my bra…

He pinned me to the bed, covering us with the blanket and pressing himself against me. I felt him between my legs but he didn't move further. Instead he looked at me, just watched, as if I would suddenly realize what we were doing and tell him to go away forever. I didn't.

"Jowan" I moaned, wrapping my legs around him, "I love you." I whispered.

He smiled faintly, then, leaning forward and kissing me on the lips. It was a long kiss, slow and sensual. I tugged his bottom lip between my teeth, he pressed his tongue into my mouth, and somewhere along there he pressed himself inside me and we… well, we made love.

We would never be the same as we were, after that. In fact, we never actually brought it up again. The next day I woke up and he was gone, I ended up getting dressed (the rumpled bedsheets and tangled hair evidence enough of the night before not being a dream) and I went to the boys' quarters, where I shook him awake. He looked up at me, eyes wide as if expecting punishment, but then I smiled and he smiled back and we knew it was ok.

The mages came back from their trip and I greeted the others as if nothing had transpired while they were gone. As did Jowan. Things seemed… the same, oddly enough. But I knew they weren't; I knew they weren't because whenever we were alone, he'd kiss me (really kiss me), and whenever he caught my eye he smiled that secret smile… we never got another chance to be together though. Maker, we wanted to though.

We wrote notes sometimes, about what we were thinking, what we loved about each other… it had to be kept a secret so that no one would find out, though, and therefore all the notes had to be burned, and our actions kept to a minimum.

We wanted to run away together – to start a life somewhere together, but on the night we planned to escape I was summoned for my Harrowing and Jowan discovered that he would be turned Tranquil soon, after snooping around during my test. The night after my Harrowing we broke his phylactery, tried to run. We hoped that even though my phylactery was gone and they could track me, we could get to the Tivinter Imperium, where mages were honored as nobility. There, the Chantry and the Circle would have no control over us. But we were caught and Jowan revealed himself to be a blood mage…

He fled and I never saw him again, for I was summoned as a Grey Warden by Duncan and went to fight at Ostagar.

Now I write this all down, in hopes that our love will not be forgotten and that someone will seek out Jowan and tell him… tell him I'm not mad. That I forgive him! And that I still love him; that I'll always love him. For now I have to seek allies with the Dalish Elves, the Dwarves, the Templars of my old home at the Circle Tower and at Redcliff. I'm not sure that they will be enough to defeat the Archdemon, but I hope that they will. I hope that the Archdemon is defeated soon and that I can search for you, Jowan, and find you. If I die, however, I hope that entrusting Leliana with the task of delivering this to you was a wise decision.

I always loved you Jowan

Felicity Amell