"Marry me, Mikasa." He looked into her eyes and said.
She only giggled and kissed him. "No."
"I'm serious…." He pulled back.
"I know, and I'm serious, too." She paused for a moment and stared into his eyes, his eyes that only she, from all people, could see his honesty through. She knew he was serious. She knew very well he was, and it's not that she didn't want to or that she didn't love him, she just couldn't.
Ever since the incident that had flipped her life upside-down, which had her person running into multiple obstructions that seemed likely impossible to get through, she had witnessed her whole life breaking down and her hands had lost their firm fist to even react and save what little hope she had left that was leaving her hanged between the dead and the live.
She had lost Eren. Yes. And to her, that might have been the end of the world. To her, she had no more reason to fight. To her, she was now a useless pathetic lost soul, wandering in the world without any purpose.
Why didn't I die instead?
Why didn't I stop him when I could?
Why, even though I knew it was going to be his end, didn't I react in time to save him?
It was only her to blame for that loss. Eren was her one and only responsibility, and she couldn't fucking take care of him. What a shame.
Carla's words kept repeating in her head endlessly, "Mikasa, he's truly a reckless boy. When trouble comes, be sure to help each other out." Yes. He was truly a reckless boy. Mikasa had known this, which was why she was blaming herself now for not stopping his recklessness then. It was all her damn fault.
Her eyes wouldn't dare to close without a flashback of all the blood that suffused her face and hands, his blood, when he was being devoured. That outrageous sight of his body being torn apart right before her frightened eyes.
That moment, she had lost faith in herself. She had lost faith in everything. Her friends were calling out her name, warning her, that she had to step away, that she would die if she didn't move from there.
"Mikasa…. Dammit, why are you still standing there?" She could hear Jean shouting.
"Mikasa!…" Sasha called too.
"You idiot…" And then there was him, Corporal Levi. The man who had jumped right into the danger once more after how many years, and saved her life. Her gear was stuck and he faced a death-life situation while saving her ass. Though still he didn't abandon her. She didn't move, or stare at him. She stayed still while he did all the work. He never complained, or blamed her. He just wanted to save her, to get her out of there alive in one piece, and he succeeded. Unlike him, she was a big failure. She had thought she was only one step behind her Corporal. Sometimes, she even thought she equaled him, but she had been so wrong. She was nowhere near his experience, and probably she would never be.
She had given up, and there was no power on earth that would change her mind. No power on earth that would put her back in the battlefield, because all she wanted now, was to die, and if ever she would stand in front of a titan, she had no will to fight. She would simply stand there, waiting for it to end her misery.
Mikasa Ackerman, The One Worth Hundred Soldiers, was now nothing.
Her friends used to feel strong only by looking at her in the battlefield; how she would move forward so confidently. Despite having her Squad Leader shouting at her for not listening to him and moving so recklessly, she still was able to kill all those titans that blocked their way during an expedition, and made them a clear and a safe road to pursue.
She used to give them strength, self-confidence and even taught them how to look up their dreams and do their best to reach them.
Though her only dream and goal in life was to protect Eren, which she had failed so miserably.
So ridiculously confident, Mikasa.
She had failed humanity. She had failed her friends. She had failed Eren. She had failed Carla. She had failed her parents. She had failed herself.
"Trust me." Her dear Corporal once said to her, "Life goes on with or without you, and you will have to catch up with it sooner or later."
"Life has stopped for me long time ago, Corporal." It had been nearly a year since Eren died. Though their fight to save humanity never stopped, for the rest of course, because for her, everything ended that day she lost the dearest person to her heart.
"We need you, Mikasa…I need you." She was never so sure about the feeling Levi held for her all this time. Whether it was pity or love, or probably both, but she had never welcomed him, only pushed him away.
"Nobody needs a useless soldier, sir." She had heard people in the Military say so, "She had failed to save Humanity's Last Hope." They said.
Humanity's Last Hope…
Her last hope.
"Your friends have been asking about you. They have been looking for you everywhere." He said. She had been away from the base, away from everyone she knew. Though not for so long since Levi now found her.
"I guess it wasn't that hard to find me after all. You're here now, aren't you?" She stood up and walked to him.
He snorted, "Almost a fucking year, Mikasa…And you never thought, ever, about coming back. Never thought whether someone else has died,…"
"I don't care…"
"They do care though, they always fucking cared—I care…" He growled.
"Why are you here, Corporal?" She asked nonchalantly.
"To take you back with me." He answered.
"What makes you think I will go with you?"
"I am still your leader, cadet Ackerman, and you're fucking coming with me."
She didn't argue and came back with him, and to her own surprise, despite the nonchalant look she kept wearing, her friends welcomed her warmly. Sasha gave her a strong and a long hug; she had thought it would be the cause of her death seeing how tight she was squeezing her. Jean had that usual shade of pink burning his cheeks when he said a simple "Welcome back, Mikasa" to her, avoiding her gaze.
Historia held her hand gently. The girl whom she had held admiration for. They were so alike, the only difference between them is that Mikasa had given up once she lost a dear person, but Historia kept going. Historia was indeed strong, and Mikasa admired her for that. Connie wasn't one to have spent a lot of time with her, but after all they were teammates, they were friends and he was happy to see her again.
Armin, oh, dear Armin, how could she even look him in the eyes? She must have disappointed him to the fullest, and no words she would say that would ever make up for it, but he still hugged her, and she cried when he did so and hugged him back while he whispered to her, "It's good to have you back, Mikasa."
Though she agreed to come back, she still never really was the same. She barely talked or helped in the chores. She would skip training most of the time and whenever Levi was about to go and get her ass out of bed, Historia or Armin would stop him, telling him to leave her on her own, not to push her, until she had gotten over it.
Oh, would she ever get over it?
She wasn't eating anything either, more like, she had lost appetite. The only thing she could see in food was blood and nothing but blood. She had been throwing up for almost a month. Sasha even spread a rumor about her being pregnant, which had Levi almost choking on his tea one evening, until Historia apologized for what Sasha had said, and confirmed there was no such a thing going on.
"I don't know if I still have the nerve for this, Erwin." Levi said to the commander one day. He had invited him for a cup of tea. Though that wasn't the real purpose. "Only seeing her there, staring out of the window blankly, makes everything seem so hopeless."
"Come on, Levi. If there was a chance to prove how much she means to you, it would be now. I know it might be hard, and it will probably take a lot of time, but giving up is never the choice." Erwin placed down his empty cup of tea and stared at Levi. "Ackerman has always been one of my most favorite soldiers, and I probably will never find anyone like her, nor will you. It'd be such a big loss to lose her now."
"We already lost her…Did you even see her, Erwin? Did you even see how dead she is?" Levi frowned.
"Then bring her back to life, I know you can." He gave him a simple demand, which he was sure, Levi, and no one else, can accomplish it.
"Get your ass out of bed, we're gonna train." Levi said from the other side of her bed, sitting. She had been there all the time.
"I don't want to." She shrugged.
"I'm not fucking asking you." He pulled the sheets off of her and she made the effort to turn and glare at him for that. "Get up!"
"No." She pulled the sheets back.
"Do you think I'm playing around, Mikasa?" He pulled the sheets off once more and grabbed her arm tightly. She hissed when he got up and dragged her with him, to only take her to the training grounds afterwards.
"I told you, 'I don't want to train.'" She complained.
"I don't give a shit. What, are you gonna stay locked in your room the entire day resting in your goddamned bed while the others have to work? Just how special do you think you are? You're only acting like a spoiled child, and guess what? I don't raise kids in my squad." He said, harshly. "If you think losing someone you cared about will be a reasonable excuse for your attitude then you're so fucking wrong. You're not the only one here who lost someone, Mikasa. Everyone lost, and still if you look around you, they're still smiling, fighting, they never gave up and they're not even as strong as you, or perhaps they are? Perhaps they are even stronger than you. Just look at you, look at how pathetic you became, such disappointment. I never expected this. I was waiting a lot more from you…"
"Then stop expecting something from me that I will never give." Though his words were piercing her chest like a blade, she still showed no interest or any kind of affection. "Give up on me."
"Never!" Something in his eyes and tone changed, and so did his touch, which went from completely severe to somewhat soft. His hands rested on her arms gently and her eyes widened when he pulled her closer. She thought he was going to kiss her, and her heart started racing at the thought, but all he did was resting his forehead against hers and staring deeply into her eyes. "Never." He repeated, and it was so fucking hard to hold back the tears. So fucking hard, she gave up to cry and buried her face to his chest. He comforted her, wrapped his arms around her, stroked her hair, and allowed her to cry in his arms all she wanted.
And just like he managed to convince her with coming back to the base with him, he also managed to convince her with getting back to training. Though, since it had been so long—Almost a year since she had been into a spar, her skills were a bit sloppy and wretched, and he was the one to blame since he hadn't gotten her to train earlier than this, but she managed to keep up soon.
She had spent hours in training. It helped her forget, at least for a short while. Levi was keeping her busy as long as he could, having her in his company, forcing her to eat as well. Even though she refused to at first, and not only did they train, but he also became more friendly with her. He was sometimes telling her some of his little adventures, or about the upcoming missions and like so. She would listen to him, chat with him, until it was time for her to go back to her dead person when he was not around.
Though Levi opened up to her, more than she ever thought he would, she still never opened up to him, not even a single bit, and she couldn't understand how he could still enjoy her company. He must be so patient.
"Why are you here... alone? It's cold and you might get sick." Levi asked her one night when he walked out his room to get some air, and he surprisingly found her sitting on a bench, looking up at the stars.
"It's obvious." She simply replied, and she was right. Why would she sit here alone at night other than to think about him? She never really slept in peace ever since then, nor did he anyway.
"Would you mind if I sat with you? I can't sleep either." Even though she might want to be alone for now, he didn't want to leave her alone. She gave him a simple nod as a reply, and he sat next to her.
"Thank you for trying…" She said almost quietly, "But I don't know what I stand for anymore..."
"Listen, Mikasa...We might have lost Eren,...but we still have to fight...for humanity's sake." Levi spoke, helplessly trying to help her forget, trying to give her another reason—a better reason to live for.
"I am useless now..." Her eyes could only stare at the stars, wondering whether Eren was watching them from above, wondering if she'd ever have the chance to see him again, she would love to.
"That hurts my pride. Are you actually going to disappoint me after all I did for you?" It had been almost three months since they began training together, and they both had some good times together. Even if she never really forgot, but he knew for sure, those moments meant something for her, right? Levi's hand reached to rest on her head, and forced her to look at him.
"Perhaps. Because there is nothing for me to live for anymore. I lost the reason why I had to keep fighting. I have no reason to fight." She mumbled.
Levi sighed softly, "You know you're stronger than that. You're precious, Mikasa...Just because you lost the one you love doesn't mean you should stop..." He hated to admit it a lot, but Levi was always aware of Mikasa's feelings for Eren, one reason why he was sure she'd never be his. She was loyal, always been loyal to Eren, to everyone else. "Do you think Eren would be happy to see you like this? Do you think...Eren would have given up if it was you the one who died?"
"P-Please...don't...talk about him..." Just a mention of his name could have her crying for hours, and she brought her knees closer, hugging them when the tears began rolling down her cheeks.
"How else are you going to get over it then? You're not the only one Mikasa...I, too,…lost everyone I had." He spoke as a picture of Isabel and Farlan flashed before his eyes, not forgetting about his whole squad for sure. And all of the people he had witnessed dying throughout the years. "So many people. This is life...You live to see your love ones dying…until you die." He patted her head gently.
"I-I can't... I lost too many people." Recalling her brutally murdered parents, Carla being devoured, her friends from the 104th trainee squad whom didn't make it, and Eren topping them all. It was too painful, and she found herself in Levi's arms, sobbing to his chest, and he held her strongly. This was all he needed from her; he needed to her to let him in. He needed her to know that he was there for her. He had always been there for her, and she finally realized it after the long wait.
"What if I promised you...that I'll always be by your side...until the end...until we die together? Will you trust me?" He whispered, his fingers running through her hair, caressing it gently.
She paused for a brief second then looked up into his eyes. The eyes she had always refused to look into. The eyes she had believed but kept running away from only so she wouldn't have to go through the same pain if ever anything happened to him, "Y-Yes." She whispered back, "I-I trust you. J-Just please…don't ever…leave me." She placed a hand on his cheek, "Please."
"I won't. I promise." His words were all she ever wanted to hear, were all she needed to finally feel safe again, to finally feel loved again, to finally feel in love again.
And her lips found his for a kiss, her first kiss. The kiss which had been saving for the one and only, Eren, but was never destined for him. Though she knew, Levi wasn't a bad choice.
"So, the expedition is tomorrow!" She asked while walking with him in the corridor, heading to his room. It had been two months since that night, and they had spending even more time together now.
"Yes. I hope you're ready for it." He said, holding her hand.
"I am." She smiled, locking her fingers with his as they walked.
"Shouldn't you go to sleep then? You need to rest." He stood at his room's door.
"You wouldn't mind if I spent the night with you, would you?" Her words surprised him. Sure she had already stayed in his room before, but he was always the one to ask her for it.
"No. Of course I wouldn't mind." He opened the door and walked in. She followed behind him and he closed the door afterwards. He took off his shoes and she did the same before they sat together on the bed.
"Levi," she might have found it hard at first, but eventually, she started calling him by his name, it suited him, and was a lot easier, too, "How much do you love me?" She suddenly asked.
He was clueless on the reason why she asked him that. She never really asked him about such things, ever, and he somehow felt concerned, "You already know, Mikasa. I love you…to the point that I would never give you up, and I never did."
She looked at him, then moved to sit on his lap, her hands tugging lightly on his shirt while her cheeks flushed, "Would you make love to me?"
Speechless, his eyes widened in complete shock. Not that he never wanted to, in fact he once was about to, but she wasn't ready and he had to stop and apologize for it, he couldn't look her in the eyes for almost a week, until she came to him and told him it was alright and she was sorry. But to have her asking him for it now, it was shocking.
"I-I want you—I need you to." She gulped and looked down, embarrassed. Levi then held her chin and made her look at him. He was smiling, not a big smile, but it was clear that he was smiling, and it comforted her, but as well made her feel somewhat nervous. He didn't ask whether she was ready this time, and simply brought her face closer for a passionate kiss, his hands traced her arms gently all the way down to finally rest on her waist, holding the kiss longer just enough to get her in the mood.
He then slowly leaned down and laid her on her back, having him on top. He kept her lips busy with soft kisses, as his hands were roaming around her waist and back. His touch was never rough like she imagined it to be. It was gentle and warm, and she couldn't wait until he was touching her skin directly, feeling the warmth and gentleness of his hand on her flesh. And when she felt her desires growing, her lips parted, widely, sharing some deeper, open-mouthed kisses with him. Her own hands began getting to act, feeling his arms' muscles over his shirt.
When Levi finally slid a hand under her shirt, her need to feel his touch over her skin grew even further, mixed with the need to touch him in return. She lifted his shirt up which he paused for a moment to take it off for her, giving her the opportunity to touch him as much as she needed, and her hands went restlessly along his back and muscled chest, his neck and waist, not leaving a spot of his hot flesh without touching it.
She hummed in pleasure into his mouth when he caressed her breasts, and her moans were impossible to hold back when his kisses moved from her lips to burn the skin of her neck and down. She felt her body's temperature rising nonstop, as if she was thrown in hell, burning in her own desires.
Levi drew random lines with his fingers around her chest and marked those lines with wet kisses, as if he knew exactly how to treat her, as if he had experienced this with her before. He was doing her so good, so good she'd never ask him for more, yet she craved a lot more, and she knew it was a reflection of the love he always held for her, and she knew that she loved him just as much, took her a while to realize it, but she did.
When their hunger for each other's skin grew wider, they got rid of the rest clothing that had been covering them. And Mikasa loved the way he leaned close to her ear, how he circled her earlobe with his tongue and then whispered softly to her ear, "Do you know how much I love you now? Or do you still need more?"
Though he did great, she still wanted to be greedy and ask for more. "I'm not satisfied yet." She still wanted him to go all the way. She wanted him to get rid of all the burdens she had carried for so long. She wanted him to make her his and only his, and he did.
Though it was painful for the first time when he entered her, not even her hands were able to muffle her moans. She was scratching the fabric beneath her, grasping it tight, tears rolling down her cheeks as she cried. Levi was concerned, and wasn't sure if he should stop. He didn't want to hurt her, but the pain didn't last for so long until it was forgotten with another amount of pleasure that hit her senses, -Levi was relieved at last-. And it only had her thinking about life, indeed. Though she had went through some hard times, and she had cried a lot of times, too, she always had a joyful moment where she'd smile. That was how Levi made her feel, he made her feel alive, as if she experienced her life all over again in that one one moment of lovemaking.
And those lustful moments only continued with each thrust, her back arching in response and her lips parting to let out a long sigh when she hit the bliss, leaving her in a weak state, unable to move a single bone. He soon hit climax, too, his weight dropped on hers. And when they paused to stare at each other, breathless, her hands cupped his face and brought him closer, wiping all the sweat off of it. She kissed it from his forehead and down to his eyes and nose, his cheeks and jaw and lastly his lips. And Levi felt happy, so happy…
"You better take good care of my love, because I gave it all to you." She whispered to his ear, pressing her forehead to his.
"Your love is safe with me." He buried his face to her neck, and she wrapped her arms around him.
She could trust his words. She could trust him. She could love him, but she couldn't lose him.
"What is it?" She asked him one night when they were together . He had been staring at her for a while.
"Nothing." He lied and ran his fingers through her hair.
"You've been staring at me like this for half an hour now. What is it?" She knew there was something behind those gazes. She could read it in his eyes. She had learnt how to after the time they had spent together.
"I was just thinking," He paused.
"About?"
"We've been together for few months now, right? And you've even moved to my room. I think it's…time to make some changes." He stroked her cheek and she felt her heart skipping a beat at his words.
"Changes? What kind of changes?" She gulped, already having a clear thought of what he meant.
"Marry me, Mikasa." He looked into her eyes and said.
She only giggled and kissed him. "No."
"I'm serious…." He pulled back.
"I know, and I'm serious, too." She paused for a moment and stared into his eyes, his eyes that only she, from all people, could see his honesty through. She knew he was serious. She knew very well he was, and it's not that she didn't want to or that she didn't love him, she just couldn't.
"I'm not kidding, Mikasa . Are you actually rejecting my proposal?" He sat up and looked down at her in denial.
"And if I say yes, what will happen next?" She looked at him with piercing eyes.
"We…buy a house…move to it…have a family." He spoke with an unsure tone, feeling uneasy by her gazes.
"And then what?" He paused at her question.
"And then what?" He repeated her question, since he didn't really have an answer for it.
"Having a family…is something so precious, Levi. And sadly, our cruel world doesn't appreciate this precious gift. This world is merciless, and I'm not ready…to lose my family one more time," She sat up and looked at him.
"No one will lose anything, Mikasa…"
"You can't guarantee that. I'm happy like this. I have you, for now, and I'm happy. I won't ask for more, unless I'm ready for more." And he knew what she meant by that, just like when she asked him to make love to her. She didn't ask him that until she felt ready, and she even rejected him when he tried before, and that was what she was doing now. Though it hurt him, he still respected her choices and he wouldn't push her. He could wait some more. In the end, that was what he always did: waiting for her.
She would come once she was ready.
"Where is Commander Levi?" Jean asked Armin on his right.
"He asked about Mik—Corporal Mikasa and…I told him she was in her room, so he probably went to see her." Historia answered Jean.
"Aren't they coming to the celebrations? Come on, like, sure they want to be together, but this is a big day. They can't miss it." Jean frowned.
"I'll go call them if they ever are late." Historia reassured.
"Mikasa…" There was a knock on the door, and she knew exactly who that was, his voice even confirmed it.
"It's open." She answered, sitting at the edge of the bed when the door opened, and he walked in.
"What are you doing here, alone?" He asked while making few more steps towards her.
"It's obvious." Her answer sounded just like back then, when he found her sitting on the bench that one night.
"Not really," He faced her, and she looked up to meet his gaze.
"We've made it, Levi. We won." He could see some tears already glistening in her eyes, and he couldn't tell whether they were out of joy or something else. "We made Eren's dream come true, and he's not even here to see this…." But he soon understood the reason behind those tears, and he should have guessed anyway. She never cried unless it had something to do with Eren. Her answer never changed since back then, it was still the same: Eren. That little brat still made her cry even when he wasn't present.
"I'm sure he wouldn't be missing the celebrations like you're doing now." Levi knelt down before her.
"What is left to celebrate? Let mankind celebrate. All we did was for their sake anyway, right?" She gave a sad smile.
"There is so much for us to celebrate too, Mikasa, so much…" He took her hand gently in his and kissed it. She looked down at him, and she felt her pulse racing, exactly like that one night.
"You have no excuses now. I have been waiting for you, for four fucking years, Mikasa. Marry me." And before she could say anything, he continued, "Let me give you what you always wanted, a home to return to, a family to live with, a reason to live for from now on."
She cried, and this time for sure he knew, those tears were for him, and only for him. And she finally gave him a nod, a nod that changed their life, a nod that gave them both a new hope for a better life, a nod that held nothing but happy times, a lot of happy times they deserved to live after being tortured in this cruel world.
They had lived, and loved.
They were humans…
before being Humanity's strongest soldiers.
Fin.